To go see DD1

[BurnoutGP]

I am a single parent to DD1 (24)and DD2 (18) doing A levels, neurodivergent.
DD1 has been in Australia for a year and is now travelling in Asia.
I am close to both but different relationships and needs.
I have a week off work over Easter, DD2 will be revising. So I am going to go and see DD1 in Asia for 6 days.
I have never done anything like this. I rarely do anything spontaneous or for myself. DD2 almost always takes priority because of her anxiety and neurodiversity.
She is very upset and cross I am going. I am now feeling very guilty and sad and doubting my spontaneous decision.
For clarity. She is very capable, drives, cooks, is very responsible. Has a lovely sensible close friendship group. I have close friends nearby who will keep an eye on her and will be available in an emergency. Her dad (as useless as he is) and stepmother are 5 mins away. But she has struggled with her mental health.
AIBU to go.

YANBU. Your DD2 sounds like she’s perfectly capable and has friends and family around anyway.

What is it your DD is upset about - that you are going, or that she isn’t going as well? You’re not doing anything wrong either way, but I’d have more sympathy with her if she’d like to go but can’t because of exams.

Hope you have a great time.

That close to A levels and with known MH issues... I wouldn't. Too much at stake. I was an early independent one, but those last few weeks before A levels I needed all the support I could get.

Dd1 is doing A levels this year and not neurodivergent and generally stable but it’s such a high pressure time, I’m sorry but I’d be waiting until after exams are over before going to see another dc abroad. Will you actually be able to relax and be fully present for your dd1 with dd2 stressing at home?

If dd2 had a better relationship with her dad than you describe, and would stay with him, then I might feel differently but overall I’m working hard to keep home calm and stable for my own dd1 at this time (not easy with younger twin girls who are rather dramatic teens).

Exams will be over by May? Go anytime after then. For the sake of a couple of months I wouldn’t risk any upset. It can be very soothing to people who are not actively leaning on you, but to her, hearing you move around the house, smelling your soap and shampoo after you’ve used the shower, you making her a cup of tea can make all the difference.

OP! I would wait until after A levels - your DD might be a bit less anxious then. I might also think about going to Asia for ten days - it’s a long flight!

I absolutely wouldn’t. I probably wouldn’t even if she wasn’t neurodivergent with mental health issues, it’s too close to her A levels. For the sake of an extra month or two it makes more sense to wait

I would wait until after her exams. Madness to go on an exciting trip (especially so far away) and leave her at home on her own fretting about her exams. However spectacularly capable she is for her age this isnt a good idea. Having mum around as reassurance, bringing snacks, offering to participate in quizzes/revision flashcards, someone to chat to at mealtimes, someone to watch a bit of tv with after a long day revising. Theres not a chance I would abandon one in favour of visiting another during exam revision time. Big nope.

For more clarity. DD1 will be home in June. After exams .
They do not get on at all and I won't be going on holiday with both of them again after yet another disastrous family holiday where I felt torn in 2.
DD2 and I have a trip planned for the 2 of us after exams.
I will be gone for 6 days. Exams dont start till mid May I wouldn't go if they were closer or during them.
This is more about doing something for me and for DD1 who has always taken rather a back seat to DD2 needs.
And also about starting to set some boundaries before she goes to uni. Usually I acquiese to DD2.

I get it, but with pre exam stress at its peak you’ve picked totally the wrong time for it

I'd go. It's helicopter parenting to have to be there 24/7 every single day - you're only going for a few days. Even with exams coming- she does have other support.

Hmm it sounds idyllic for dd1 but it's ill timed @BurnoutGP why then?

It's the only time that works. I have a very heavy full in job but have this week off which happens to be when DD1 is in a relatively accessible place midway in her travels. And about 6 weeks before exams start.
But honestly for DD2 there would never be a good time for me to go away. There would always be a reason.

It doesn't work for dd2 @BurnoutGP
You'll reap what you sow.
I feel sorry for your dd2. In fact you're out of order.
Don't you care about her?
Wow

I have 2 DD i care about them both. I don't have the luxury of an involved 2nd parent so unfortunately I have to try to do what's best for both of them.

I agree.

I’d go, DD2 is 18 not 8, I never understand the drama about exams on MN, life must stop if anyone has exams!
Its 6 days, go!

GO 💐💐💐

"But honestly for DD2 there would never be a good time for me to go away."

I get this, but there are bad times and worse times, and a few weeks before her A levels start are very much a worse time. This principle of doing what DD2 doesn't want seems an important part of your decision making and it's the wrong time to pick this fight. She doesn't need to be taught this lesson this side of her exams. I think this recalibration will happen naturally over the next year as she heads off to uni.

Go and have a wonderful time. Your DD 2 will be fine.

I don't think you actually were independent tbh. I genuinely don't think my mum knew when my A levels started or ended. I was living at home and she was a caring person but she trusted me to do them and I didn't need help, I was basically (and legally) an adult by then.

6 weeks before is tonnes of time! What on earth are you going to actually do to help her that early unless you're a professor in that subject.

Just go and have a lovely time, sounds like your DD1 will really appreciate you not putting her last

Surprised by these responses. Go and enjoy some time with DD1, who, as you say, has always taken a back seat to dd2 and her needs. She has plenty of time once you’re back before exams start. It’s only 6 days and dd2 is 18!

I’d definitely go.

My dc were not neurodivergent or with mental health issues but l would not have gone on holidays so close to their exams. I just kept everything at home the same, cooked good meals and generally was in the background keeping stress away from them. They didn't ask for this but it felt the right thing to do.My mother did the same for me although the big exam thing wasn't as focused in those days. I appreciated the stability. Don't go!
Your dd is a high need daughter and you need to accept that . 18 is young. She needs you now. Stay home with her and give her every support you can. Sorry!!

Seriously??? Op has already stated DD1 has more a less always been 2nd fiddle. Its 6 days.... time for her father to step up maybe.

She is 18 and I presume wants to treated like an adult for evertything else, if it was not exams what other reasons would she come up with, you cant put your life on hold forever