To go see DD1

[BurnoutGP]

I am a single parent to DD1 (24)and DD2 (18) doing A levels, neurodivergent.
DD1 has been in Australia for a year and is now travelling in Asia.
I am close to both but different relationships and needs.
I have a week off work over Easter, DD2 will be revising. So I am going to go and see DD1 in Asia for 6 days.
I have never done anything like this. I rarely do anything spontaneous or for myself. DD2 almost always takes priority because of her anxiety and neurodiversity.
She is very upset and cross I am going. I am now feeling very guilty and sad and doubting my spontaneous decision.
For clarity. She is very capable, drives, cooks, is very responsible. Has a lovely sensible close friendship group. I have close friends nearby who will keep an eye on her and will be available in an emergency. Her dad (as useless as he is) and stepmother are 5 mins away. But she has struggled with her mental health.
AIBU to go.

Oh stop it, you can’t be serious. “Bad luck DD1! Once again DD2 needs to take priority”.

At 18 they can vote, get married, fight in the military, drive. They are adults. Yes, young adults. But adults. Maybe she can't live alone. But she should be able to cope in her mum's house, clean, stocked with food, basics, paid for heating, power, water. All she has to do is manage herself.

Helicopter parenting isn't doing these adults any favours. Her mum will be at the end of a phone and her dad lives 5 minutes away. It's not exactly hardship.

She's 18, she's an adult! She can manage for 6 days, surely?

Is this really about an 18 year old being unable to look after themselves for a few days, or is it more about there being a competition between your dds for your attention?

I’d go.

I’d fill the house with food and arrange for regular fixed visits from friends and family- like her dad 2/3 times for an evening meal, family friends, other family.

I’d also arrange a regular time to FaceTime every day for at least half an hour and discuss with her a daily timetable where she gets up at a sensible time, has a decent breakfast, revises but has regular breaks and fresh air. Of course she can also contact you outside the FaceTime call too.

I do not think a 17 yrs old who sounds decently independent needs helicoptering. It also sounds as though she has a tricky relationship with your DD1 and I suspect that this might be behind her reaction.

Exactly this, posters on MN can be so dramatic.

I would go. DH has a very high functioning ND sister who always took priority. It has resulted in him having a terrible relationship with his parents and they have no contact at all now. Your children have 2 parents and this is on of those situations where your ex needs to step up and do his part to help with DD2.

I’d also be interested in how many people over the age of 35/40 had parents who basically walked them through every step of their exams. I bet they didn’t.

My own parents provided food, a roof over my head and would have chatted to me if I was obviously upset, and got help if I was really ill but it was absolutely not their job to micromanage my revision timetable or exams at that age. We’d all have thought that was batshit.

I did my own timetable, arranged to meet with friends to revise, had a chat to teachers if there was something I was worried about, made sure I had the right books (bought a few revision guides), and then got on with it.

Also how the hell are kids going to get on at Uni or in a workplace if their parents are micromanaging revision and exams to this extent when they are 18? Yes exams are stressful but part of getting older and becoming an adult is learning how to deal with stress on your own- without mummy doing it for you. And if you think A levels are stressful what about uni finals, job interviews or a massive real-life crisis at work?

Go absolutely go. She has another parent nearby and it sounds as if you and your other daughter need this.

@BurnoutGP Please go! You need to show dd1 that she's important as well! Don't know if you have hear the term glass children, if not Google it.

You have made sure that there is a security network around her- she will be fine. She's used to be a priority at all times so ofcourse will have no comprehension of other people's needs and desires. I also think that you need to gradually start thinking about yourself because you sound like a prisoner catering to dd2. Not good for anyone of you.

Enjoy your trip!

Thanks all of both sides. I am reading and digesting. Busy work day but will respond this evening.

Absolutely go, she's an adult. I was due to go away for a friend's wedding in June but my 15yo will be in the middle of GCSEs so I've decided not to go. If it was Easter I'd definitely be going, life can't stop for months on end because exams are coming up.

Omg I’ve never read anything like this. FaceTime an 18 year old every day to discuss them having breakfast, fresh air & a timetable? I’d be worried sick if at 18 my dc needed a FaceTime everyday to remind them of things like this.

How on earth would your kids cope in the real world?

Just go she will be fine and has friends and family close by . Kids can be selfish and of course she'd rather you gave her all your attention.

I would go. She has a support system and her other parent, who you know could step up and be a parent.
She is 18 and will be going to uni are you to stay close by for her entire life. You're with her 100% of the time. It is only 6 days. She needs to get a grip.

🤣 what a ridiculous post. Smacks of tell me you're an entitled prat without telling me.
🤔 projecting much..

this - I am sorry but having had a nd child we supported during A levels the pressure ramps up at easter since their exams are soon.

in uk a level exams start from may 11

The FaceTime was to discuss exams primarily and how she was doing- not go through the daily schedule (which was an idea for before the mum goes on holiday). You’ll see from my later post I agree with leaving the DD2 but this was an idea to support her without having to cancel the whole trip (and would stilll enable the DD2 to feel in touch with her mum). So save the moraL outrage FFS.

For goodness sake, don’t let her make her doubt yourself, she cannot dictate every aspect of your life, try though she might. Go and have a wonderful time with your eldest. It’s shit to be the one who is considered to be ‘less’ in terms of needs, attention etc etc.

Not sure why you've asked for opinions, as it sounds like you've already made your mind up.

The timing isn’t great but she’s an adult and shouldn’t be guilt tripping you. Is she jealous of her older sister getting to spend time with you if they don’t get on?

Go, as a mum there’s a never ending list of things to feel guilt tripped over.
You’ve got something nice planned for DD2 to look forward to.
Less than a week away is not the end of the world and if DF is close by let him take the strain.

6 days to travel to Asia snd back
You will ve wrecked.

Definitely go. It’s plenty of time before her exams, you get to see DD1, it works with your work, etc. It sounds like you can’t win with DD2, and if it wasn’t exams it will be something else. DD1 has always been put to one side for DD2 by the sounds of it, don’t back out now or DD1 may never forgive you. DD2 is old enough to be fine, she’s an adult now and wants to be, and should be treated as one.
Slightly separate issue but why all the angst and insistence from parents they need to be/should be around for exam study? The actual exams themselves maybe (although most of us did fine without, if we were away from home), but this is weeks before exam time, DD2 needs to knuckle down and do the study, she doesn’t need her mum for that, surely.

I think parents who have children with anxiety or who have ND traits which significantly affect their daily lives have a different perspective on what an 18 year old is capable of in the lead up to A levels.

OP you yourself know this, which is why you asked the question.

I have no doubt that you would not have asked this question if the roles were reversed and you were thinking of a holiday this easter while your oldest child (the one travelling) was prepping for her A levels.

Your oldest daughter is back in June - when does you youngest daughter finish her exams, is there a period where you can still see the older daughter overseas?

Its understandable that you would want to make an easter holiday work, parents of children who need such a high level of emotion support are always juggling providing that with competing needs. But a group of strangers - many whose frame of reference is their NT children or midly affected ND children - don't know your daughter. The reality is, only you know how much you going away in this study period will impact her prep for exams. Not only the time period you are away, but the lead up and the after effect as some ND kids have problems processing both change and their emotions.