To go see DD1

[BurnoutGP]

I am a single parent to DD1 (24)and DD2 (18) doing A levels, neurodivergent.
DD1 has been in Australia for a year and is now travelling in Asia.
I am close to both but different relationships and needs.
I have a week off work over Easter, DD2 will be revising. So I am going to go and see DD1 in Asia for 6 days.
I have never done anything like this. I rarely do anything spontaneous or for myself. DD2 almost always takes priority because of her anxiety and neurodiversity.
She is very upset and cross I am going. I am now feeling very guilty and sad and doubting my spontaneous decision.
For clarity. She is very capable, drives, cooks, is very responsible. Has a lovely sensible close friendship group. I have close friends nearby who will keep an eye on her and will be available in an emergency. Her dad (as useless as he is) and stepmother are 5 mins away. But she has struggled with her mental health.
AIBU to go.

Utter, utter nonsense. My own DD is a very independent young lady, who stayed on in her university city and worked for 2 years between undergrad and post grad, and is doing exceptionally well in her clinical placements.

She had a wobble pre A levels (aged a young 17) and during her university exams and is out the other side. I have not had the tearful phone calls during her post grad exams, which she passed with very high grades.

You are completely lacking in empathy and failing to understand that young people mature at different rates.

You horrible post has made me very angry.

My mum went to Australia for 3 weeks for a family event when I was preparing for A Levels. I reckon it helped me revise. House to myself and no distractions.

Go and enjoy yourself

I did have anxiety at the time and was still dealing with my father's death. Maybe 6 months earlier.

The truth is only the OP can judge her daughters needs. Labels do not tell us about the individual. She has judged this sensible and is now having a wobble. I believe that she will have thought this through and definitely knows her daughter way better than some labels can tell us.

But you weren't the OP's daughter.

Are you unable to picture yourself in other people's shoes?

No and as I said we cannot tell much about the daughter from a few labels

Please go. The relationship with your older daughter needs to have the same value. It's one week and if you don't go it could permanently alter your relationship with your daughter.

OP you should go. Your DD2 will be fine she just needs time to digest. This is not the plan she had in her head (that she didn’t consult anyone about, tbf probably that includes her) and she is now in full blown internal panic (not about anything real just because of the change).

Let her process, empathise with her feelings (validate without escalating, „yes, it can feel unsettling when plans change unexpectedly”), and provide real workable solutions to actual problems. She will be fine, but she needs to process before you go, so you cannot get into power struggles with her as then she’s entrenching her position. So no: „it will all be fine, you’re 18, you have support, plenty of time to your exams” - she doesn’t feel like she will be fine and she needs to get to that realisation herself not feel forced into it. But you should definitely go, it will good for all of you in the long term.

From all these comments I thought you were going away the week before her A Levels or something.... go. As you say, there will always be something.
What has she specifically said to you about you going away, OP?

You should go, it’s only 6 days and it’s 6 weeks before her exams. She has friends and family around and is basically an adult anyway!

I have a DD doing Alevels- i think she would be happy if we all went on holiday during easter and left her alone - less distractions and more time to revise! It sounds like dd1 had always taken the backseat so far i would go and see her.

My parents did similar when I was 18, went to Canada and USA on holiday for two weeks with my younger sibling. I’m autistic, but wasn’t diagnosed then. I was being treated for severe anxiety and depression and had been for two years at that point. I wasn’t able to be alone for two weeks by myself, or even six days. They had to rush me down to my grandmothers while my dad shouted at me the whole time about how I wasn’t going to ruin his holiday. It was really traumatic and not my fault. I’d never do this to my kids, and I would know if they weren’t ready.

I think this clearly illustrates just how many posters don't understand the OP's dilemma.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

The "At 18 they are an adult" one size simply isn't true of all 18 year olds. The lack of understanding on this thread and ignorant judgements are depressing.

But what about the other dd who is obviously looking forward to seeing her mother? Where's your empathy & compassion for her? Why do you only show concern for the daughter who has her mother at her beck & call? They are both adults so you can't use the argument that one is still a child.

What if you get stuck in the current circumstances? Also I wouldn’t go so close to A levels

I am going against the grain here. I am in a different country but DS1 is ND and has poor mental health. He is in his final year of high school. i work a demanding job and I have 100% custody of both my kids.

I am going away for a week in late March and leaving him at home. I am completely physically, mentally and emotionally drained and exhausted. I need to do something to attempt to refill my tank so I can help him through this year. His needs are completely relentless and I honestly can’t keep going without a break.

As someone with anxiety, offering endless amounts of support every time someone is anxious does them no favours, it teaches them that without it they can’t cope. The best way to manage anxiety is by building confidence and resilience by gradually doing things which make you anxious, you then realise it’s nowhere near as bad as you thought it would be and you feel a lot better about doing it next time.

If you keep pandering and coddling to someone’s anxiety you are making it worse. She’s 18 years old, sounds like her anxiety is fairly well managed, the exams are not for 6 weeks, it’s only 6 days away and she has plenty of family support nearby. There’s nothing OP has written to indicate this is a situation her daughter wouldn’t actually be able to cope with.

I think some posters are well meaning, but they are doing their teenagers and young adult children no favours by infantilising them and pandering to them, resilience and independence should be encouraged, especially as they enter the adult world, where it will be expected of them by employers, universities, partners, friends etc.

I may be in the minority, but I think you should go. It's only 6 days and your older daughter is having a once-in-a-lifetime experience. My guess is (maybe wrong) that she has spent a lifetime hearing that her younger sister's needs come first. She deserves her time with you too.

Go and have a good time!