To go see DD1

[BurnoutGP]

I am a single parent to DD1 (24)and DD2 (18) doing A levels, neurodivergent.
DD1 has been in Australia for a year and is now travelling in Asia.
I am close to both but different relationships and needs.
I have a week off work over Easter, DD2 will be revising. So I am going to go and see DD1 in Asia for 6 days.
I have never done anything like this. I rarely do anything spontaneous or for myself. DD2 almost always takes priority because of her anxiety and neurodiversity.
She is very upset and cross I am going. I am now feeling very guilty and sad and doubting my spontaneous decision.
For clarity. She is very capable, drives, cooks, is very responsible. Has a lovely sensible close friendship group. I have close friends nearby who will keep an eye on her and will be available in an emergency. Her dad (as useless as he is) and stepmother are 5 mins away. But she has struggled with her mental health.
AIBU to go.

@thanks2 is absolutely right. We are all replying with (or some possibly without) experience of how our own ND anxious children handled A levels and an element of projection. You know your daughter and we don't, you know how she was through GCSEs, you know how well she can handle change and how much bandwidth she is likely to lose with a big change like being left home alone at this particular time. Your guess is better than ours.

My worry is that this idea of it "not being her turn" to take is being prioritised over what she might actually need just for a few short weeks more. This is more or less the last hurrah of putting her first. It will all get so much easier, and soon. Of course it sounds ridiculous to some that my autistic anxious 18 year old still needs any sort of support, emotional or practical, but you'll always get that on MN. Equally while I don't think mine would cope well at all (based on stuff that happened during her Y13 Easter hols last year), that doesn't mean yours won't.

@BurnoutGP , In your shoes, I would definitely go.
DD2 has always taken priority and there may be a bit of entitlement from her that has played a part in her reaction.

Reasons you should go:

• DD2 is capable,
• DD2 would be revising,
• You are only going to be away for 7 days,
• You will be back LONG before her exams start,
• It's time any sense of entitlement from DD2 is addressed - she needs to understand YOU are a person too with dreams, wants & feelings
• DD2 needs to learn that you deserve a life too
• DD2 can't stay dependent on you, you would not be doing her any favours
• DD1 also deserves her mum's attention. Your going to see DD1 as she is travelling in Asia would be one memory you both would always treasure
• DD1 matters too
• You matter

Reasons not to go:

• NONE

Go, have a blast.

Recent world events may have decided this for you. If flights still do not go over the Middle East by Easter, getting to Asia may be very difficult.

Should have added, this was said as a single parent and Mum of a ND child.

I’d go. This is the time to make it clear you have 2 x DD not just younger DD. My DD is same age and also has A levels coming up. I left her for 3 days Feb half term and will be doing same again at Easter. She is perfectly capable of looking after herself.

But the op has repeatedly said that dd1 has often been second best to dd2. Surely dd1 can get a look in

Dd2 has her father is 5 minutes away. In 6 months dd2 will be off in uni. Perhaps this is a good time to learn for 6 days that she doesn't need mummy about.

Go. She has a dad and step mum here, it’s weeks before her exams, she’s 18. It only 6 days.

Go and make wonderful memories with your eldest.

Put DD1 first for once and go and visit her. Must’ve been hard for DD1. DD2 lives 5 minutes from her dad so she could always stay there if she wants.

Not a great idea. With the current situation in Middle East you could be stuck over there longer than you expected. My friend is stuck in Thailand right now , as her route home to UK is through Dubai.

Yes, of course you should go.

Your DD2 can never develop confidence/independence unless you give her a chance to. As a responsibile 18 year old, it's important that she should be able to cope for a few days without her mother.

And it's A-levels - it's not going to the guillotine. We only add to the pressure and stress on young people when we behave like these are some absolutely life or death life event - they aren't.

Talk to dd, point out all the numerous sources of support she has if she does start to struggle. Then go.

Don't encourage an over-deoendence on you that very much COULD ruin her life, much more than sub-optimal A-Levels would.

Excellent post @thanks2

I think parents who have children with anxiety or who have ND traits which significantly affect their daily lives have a different perspective on what an 18 year old is capable of in the lead up to A levels.

And on the other side of the coin, I think parents of NT children who have never suffered from any kind of anxiety just don't get it, and assume that because they are 18 they can handle life and life events with aplomb and confidence.

It beggars belief when I read all the "they are 18 and adults now" is an excuse for not supporting your offspring if they require it.

I mean how many threads are there on mumsnet from posters who are well over 18 who are struggling with life? Do these same posters respond with "you are over 18 and an adult, you should be able to deal with it yourself"?

Having said that I probably would have been fine to go away in the Easter holidays when 17 year old DD was revising for A levels. In the OP's case the daughter in question is ND, very anxious and has asked her mum not to go away at this time. Also, with latest world events I think this trip might have to go on hold anyway.

I also think that some posters underestimate just how important A levels are these days, especially if the student has planned to go to a specific university.

YANBU

Go and enjoy yourself. DD2 has plenty of support and it’s fine to prioritise DD1 this time.

One word, go.

It's people like you that ridiculously prioritise dc over themselves all the time causing major problems for employers nowadays because said dc are hugely entitled and cannot take any form of criticism. They are calling in sick with anxiety etc. Absolutely ridiculous. Yes it's important to show empathy but to constantly pander to them is very damaging for them and the wider world.

I think you need to find someone who can stay a couple of nights and then it's fine. She's still quite young to be managing potential loneliness and revision by herself for a week.

She doesn't need looking after but some company will Keep her stable

It sounds fine to me. It is only a few dsys. You have backup for her and you can be whatsapping all day long and talking to her on the phone as needed. It looks as though this is the only time that works and it is an opportunity not to be missed.

Go, it’s 6 weeks before her exams, not 6 days. It sounds like she will be resentful whenever you go. It will be good practice for when she goes to uni.

I wouldn’t be going during exam/revision period. It’s a tough time physically and emotionally for ‘A’ Level students.
YABU.

Go.on your short break, make special memories with DD2. It will do DD1 good, develop some resilience instead of being pandered to.

She doesn’t want you to go. If you do, she might milk it for a long time.

It isn't DD2's fault that she was prioritised. I understand your rationale about wanting to do something for yourself, setting boundaries but this is the wrong time to do it. You have had years to do this and plenty of time after her exams. Shortly before she sits her 'A' levels with ND and MH concerns, feels harsh? Have you 'acquiesed' in the past or have you simply been meeting her needs?

So you think OP should not go on a trip that is already planned and paid for because her dd doesn't want her to? What about the other dd who hasn't seen her recently and wants her to go? Why does one dd win over the other? If we all got what we want all the time wouldn't life be peachy?

It's interesting to see such a big mismatch between the voting and the comments. I agree with the voting - yes, please GO! I think you'll regret it hugely if you don't.
Perhaps I'm out of touch, but I think 6 weeks is absolutely masses of time before exams. Yes DD2 should have started preparing by then, but it's hardly the crucial period.
I also agree with a few of the PP's that there's been a noticeable increase in recent uni grads (who look excellent on paper) who crumble with hardly any pressure. It's very frustrating as an employer. You want to mentor your employees and help them develop, but if they cry with "stress" because someone asked them once for an ETA on a project or gave them feedback that wasn't a 100% positive it's hard to know where to start.
She will need work towards building up her independence and tolerance for stress if she wants to work eventually (which is presumably the end goal of A levels and university?)
I hope you manage to have a lovely trip OP.