To go see DD1

[BurnoutGP]

I am a single parent to DD1 (24)and DD2 (18) doing A levels, neurodivergent.
DD1 has been in Australia for a year and is now travelling in Asia.
I am close to both but different relationships and needs.
I have a week off work over Easter, DD2 will be revising. So I am going to go and see DD1 in Asia for 6 days.
I have never done anything like this. I rarely do anything spontaneous or for myself. DD2 almost always takes priority because of her anxiety and neurodiversity.
She is very upset and cross I am going. I am now feeling very guilty and sad and doubting my spontaneous decision.
For clarity. She is very capable, drives, cooks, is very responsible. Has a lovely sensible close friendship group. I have close friends nearby who will keep an eye on her and will be available in an emergency. Her dad (as useless as he is) and stepmother are 5 mins away. But she has struggled with her mental health.
AIBU to go.

I wouldn’t. She’s telling you she doesn’t want you to go. Surely that increases the risk of a MH impact whilst you’re away.

Are you trying to prove to DD1 that you love her equally by leaving her much younger sister at a high pressure time? Or are you just fed up and want a holiday?

Regardless of all the dynamics I don’t actually know anyone who’s left their child for a week in the run up to A levels. Loads of people will tell me otherwise but I think it’s unusual. Maybe it’s not.

So any time the OP wants to do something all the daughter has to do is use the MH card and the OP has to just give in? when will the OP have permisson to do things in life without checking with her adult children? she is not running off to join the circus she is asking for permission for a 6 day holiday

Mental health can only control things so much for people around them

I have been in dd1 position. Still bitter about dm always prioritising dd2 (who had a lot of MH issues, sectioned at one stage etc, but also very manipulative ).
It's not as if you are going during the exams.

Yes how many times can daughter 1 have to hear hear 'sorry cant to that daughter 2 doesn't want me too' the op has 2 children

She's 18 , an adult. Go and enjoy yourself! No wonder people can't stand on their own two feet these days with all the mollycoddling from parents like the posters here!! None of us required any support when we were studying, my dm always worked. I had to fend for myself and study, shocker 🙄

Another vote for go. Dd2 will be revising, her dad is nearby.
I expect DD1 knows she always been second fiddle, this time with her alone will be important for you both.

I agree. I'm not in the UK but my parents didn't hover around when I was sitting exams, nor would I have wanted them to.

I think you should go OP, it's a great chance for DD1 to have your company and have you to herself. Life cannot revolve around DD2 indefinitely.

Go. Dd2 can stay with dad and come home each day to revise. She will have support in the evenings but have space in the day.
(I invited a friend to come see a band with me on a saturday in June and she said- i don't think so because of A levels. I have 2 doing exams - one a levels and one gcse's. What exactly will I be doing while they revise? I can still go out surely. I don't get hovering over the kids at all times.)

I vote that you go.

Go, op.
it’s for precious time with your DD1 who as you say has always taken a back seat.
DD1 has loads of support around her and it is 6 days. And you can be constantly in touch with DD1.
try to see it as building part of her independence in prep for uni or next stage.
and if she guilts you…try not to engage. Just calm, reassuring, you’ll be fine, it’s 6 days and xxxx are 5 mins away if you need them. Enjoy your freedom & tidy the kitchen before I get back!

No, it really isn't helicopter parenting. It's such a stressful time for A level students and having moral support at hand makes a huge difference for most students, even those without any ND traits.

Even when DD was at university she would ring me for moral support at exam times.

I’d go, DD2 is 18 not 8, I never understand the drama about exams on MN, life must stop if anyone has exams!

I never understand people like this who are completely lacking in empathy. A levels are a huge deal, more so these days than ever.

The fact that she might be an 18 year old adult is completely irrelevant. Young people don't suddenly turn confident and responsible one minute after midnight on their 18th birthdays. I have never understood this MN point of view.

I reckon posters who spout this nonsense either have DC who are nowhere near 18 or very bright very laid back DC who never get stressed about anything.

Also, posters who didn't need their parents' support are not the OP's daughter. They need to recognise that everyone is not the same and other young people need different levels of support.

Since DD2 has asked her mum to stay home, I think if the OP goes she will be wracked with guilt at leaving DD2 at home and not enjoy her visit as much.

Too close to A levels. You can prioritise DD1 once the exams are over.

asia for 6 days will be exhausting

Coming from someone who has an adult DD for whom there is always a reason that she genuinely believes is why I should not do something that doesn't prioritise her and her wants, I can say that if you don't carve out a bit of time and a bit of independence, there will ALWAYS be a good reason (for DD1) as to why she will take precedence. Her emotional manipulation is akin to coercive control.

You've already said how DD2 always had to come first before DD1.

It's 6 days. She should be revising. Fill the house with food. Arrange for someone to go over and check on her every other day.

Many 18 year olds live independently and manage their own lives (I did). I'm sure she can cope at home for 6 days.

Many 18 year olds live independently and manage their own lives (I did). I'm sure she can cope at home for 6 days.

And many don't.

The OP's DD is not you.

She's 18. Not 8. Talk about infantilising.

I'm not infantilising. The assumption that all 18 year olds are confident, mature and responsible adults is such a mumsnet thing.

No, it’s a basic expectation! If an 18yo can’t cope at home alone for six days with dad round the corner then something is very, very wrong.

OP - go! Enjoy your time with your eldest.

Agree with this. At any other time / after A’levels have finished I would say definitely go. A’levels can be incredibly stressful my DC both needed support in different ways.

id do it but I’d probably see if your dd wants a friend to stay and distract her

I’d go. It’s six days and it’s not during the exams. She has support around her.

I have experience of one DCs needs trumping the other through no fault of their own, and I think you should prioritise DD1 this time.

Any explanation for your words or just looking to spew vitriol and a clearly stressed @BurnoutGP ?

It is difficult but sounds like this is really important for dd1 & op’s relationship, op needs a break (look at the username) and it won’t actually impact dd2 anyway. I get it isn’t ideal but nothing is and there is no need to kick someone when they are down.

Id go, but would feel guilty the whole time and also feel I was short changing dd1 as my mind would still he on dd2.

Im sorry @BurnoutGP. You sound like you really need a nice break away from the drama, but I dont think this will be it.

Hopefully in the future nice breaks will be a reality.

These responses are weird very dramatic OP.

DD2 is 18 years old, she's not 8. And yes A-levels can be stressful, but its 6 days, she has friends and family close by, and the exams aren't for a few weeks.

One poster mentioned you needed to be there bring her snacks??? Give me strength. My mum was working all day when I was revising for A-levels, and I was cooking her dinner for when she got home.

She's doing some exams in 6 weeks, she's not just had major heart surgery.

Whereabouts in Asia? It may not be a good idea to travel there for the foreseeable future.