Lack of Birthday effort

Springtoday · 2026-03-01T08:13:57+00:00

AIBU to be annoyed and sad at the lack of Birthday effort made by my family? Every Birthday, I buy/wrap gifts, hang a bday sign, get a card, make sure the kids make cards. I do this for the kids and for dh. For my bday, I got absolutely nothing. Not one card, drawing or flower. I reminded them several times. My eldest at least made me some bday cookies. My youngest wanted to do something like go to the shop to buy me flowers, but she is 6 so that takes help from someone else. Anyway, I am not expecting the world, but I do so much for the holidays and bdays....I expected at least a card or a drawing or a note. And freaking flowers, which are so easy to get. I know kids usually need some help from an adult or a reminder....so I am super annoyed at dh. I told him I was very disappointed. I told everyone I will do nothing for the next holidays and bdays. Dh can take over to make things special. I am taken for granted. I told my oldest, I will still do something for her, because at least she made me cookies :) We did go out to eat as a family, but again that was at a typical place we go to anyway and it was no way different then a typical dinner out. Anyway, I know you should never expect things back, but it did make me sad and annoyed, as I make an effort for everyone.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/03/2026 08:17

It sounds like all your children are young so this is on your DH.

It's mother's day in a couple of weeks, he'd better redeem himself....

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:22

So it’s like this every year? From your entire family?

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:23

told my oldest, I will still do something for her, because at least she made me cookies :)

how old is your eldest?

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:25

. I told everyone I will do nothing for the next holidays and bdays.

your children are very young. This seems rather cruel.

added to which…. I LOVE my children’s birthday so would actually hate not to be buying them prezzies, wrapping and sorting treats

DappledThings · 01/03/2026 08:26

Do they like all the fuss you make? Not that it is at all an excuse for them not to celebrate your birthday the way you want but what you do for them might not be what they want either so a conversation making everyone's wishes and expectations clear would be sensible.

Otherwise "I won't bother doing all that for them anymore" might have the effect of them breathing a sigh of relief rather than it being the taste of their own medicine you intend it to be.

Xnz2022 · 01/03/2026 08:29

Don't punish your kids..

If it were me I would still go all out for my kids and on my birthday I would help the little ones do something for me..

But if the level of effort my partner wanted was 0, then they is what I would give them in return.

It might be malicious but it also might just be how they are. I've known some lovely people who just hate giving and receiving gifts, and would rather do neither. As long as it's fair, and you can both live with it, then fine.

Moonnstarz · 01/03/2026 08:31

I think YABU for punishing the children when it's not their fault. How old is the eldest? I am guessing a lot older if they were using an oven unsupervised, however it's not up to them to parent their younger siblings and get them to make you a card or take them to buy a gift. Your 6 year old said she wanted to buy you flowers, so why would you want to punish her by saying you won't do anything for their birthdays or anything nice in holidays? It's up to their dad to remember and organise these things. Fair enough being mad at him but I don't think you are right in taking it out on the kids.

Cornonthecob17 · 01/03/2026 08:33

Hugely unreasonable to speak to your children like that. Both saying you’ll do nothing for the youngest and telling the oldest she’ll get something because she got you something. Parental love is not transactional. This is all on your adult DH! And you’re not being unreasonable to not bother with his birthdays again. Genuinely who are these men that do this? Like not even a card? My DP is generally not very thoughtful but he’s never ever done nothing for my birthday!

sakura06 · 01/03/2026 08:35

I’m sorry. This really sucks. I had a similar situation with my DH this year whose excuse was he was taking me out to dinner (but then failed to book and the restaurant was fully booked). Don’t stop buying for your children. That would be unnecessarily cruel. For your own birthday, you may need to be explicit i.e. say when out and about ‘buy me this for my birthday’. Buy yourself flowers (I know you shouldn’t have to, but if you want them and they bring joy, buy them).

Original poster

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:37

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/03/2026 08:17

It sounds like all your children are young so this is on your DH.

It's mother's day in a couple of weeks, he'd better redeem himself....

HaHa, mothers day!? I don't even know the date, I have been a mother for 14 years and never has he done anything, so not having any hope for that. At least for mothers day I dont really mind. Of course, would be nice if something was done. I used to do for fathers day, but stopped all together when nothing was ever done for mothers day.

OP posts:

Bearbookagainandagain · 01/03/2026 08:37

It reads as if you're planning to "punish" your 6yo for not being able to go to the shop to get you flowers... I'm sure that's not what you meant, but I don't understand what the kids have anything to do with this.

What did your husband say? He's the only one to blame here, and why do you continue celebrating his birthday then?

Ultimately you can continue to do the same thing year after year, and expect a different result. Or you can take things into your own hands, plan something nice for yourself, or yourself and the kids.

Original poster

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:38

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:22

So it’s like this every year? From your entire family?

Yup, my eldest will usually attempt some effort, by making a cake or cookies. She will sometimes do some art work for me or perhaps a card or attempt to get dh to do something...

OP posts:

Moonnstarz · 01/03/2026 08:40

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:38

Yup, my eldest will usually attempt some effort, by making a cake or cookies. She will sometimes do some art work for me or perhaps a card or attempt to get dh to do something...

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Why are you expecting your eldest to take responsibility for your 'D'H? It's not on them to attempt to get their dad to do something. You are the adult, you need to express your disappointment to him.

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:40

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:38

Yup, my eldest will usually attempt some effort, by making a cake or cookies. She will sometimes do some art work for me or perhaps a card or attempt to get dh to do something...

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It’s your husband that’s not making the effort not your kids

so why spite them?

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 01/03/2026 08:40

Punishing young children fir this? That is insane

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:40

I imagine your kids dress your birthday as they know the day will you be stomping around throwing out threats

Original poster

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:41

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:25

. I told everyone I will do nothing for the next holidays and bdays.

your children are very young. This seems rather cruel.

added to which…. I LOVE my children’s birthday so would actually hate not to be buying them prezzies, wrapping and sorting treats

My eldest is 14, the next one is 12 (but a boy, so perhaps boys just put less effort in these things?). So they are old enough. Youngest is 6, so yes would not really skip out on her bday. It was just more of a comment to get them thinking. She wanted to do something, but dh just did not help her to. She was talking about going to the shop to gget my something for days and he just never took her. She could have made a card though at home....so yea I was very disappointed.

OP posts:

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:42

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:41

My eldest is 14, the next one is 12 (but a boy, so perhaps boys just put less effort in these things?). So they are old enough. Youngest is 6, so yes would not really skip out on her bday. It was just more of a comment to get them thinking. She wanted to do something, but dh just did not help her to. She was talking about going to the shop to gget my something for days and he just never took her. She could have made a card though at home....so yea I was very disappointed.

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But you would “skip out” on your elder two birthdays?

This is insane. As oli say, your kids probably dread your birthday

Moonnstarz · 01/03/2026 08:42

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:41

My eldest is 14, the next one is 12 (but a boy, so perhaps boys just put less effort in these things?). So they are old enough. Youngest is 6, so yes would not really skip out on her bday. It was just more of a comment to get them thinking. She wanted to do something, but dh just did not help her to. She was talking about going to the shop to gget my something for days and he just never took her. She could have made a card though at home....so yea I was very disappointed.

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I still think you are being unfair on the teenagers.
You still haven't said anything about your husband. Is it because it's easier to punish the children than it is him?

Original poster

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:42

DappledThings · 01/03/2026 08:26

Do they like all the fuss you make? Not that it is at all an excuse for them not to celebrate your birthday the way you want but what you do for them might not be what they want either so a conversation making everyone's wishes and expectations clear would be sensible.

Otherwise "I won't bother doing all that for them anymore" might have the effect of them breathing a sigh of relief rather than it being the taste of their own medicine you intend it to be.

They love it. That is the thing. I don't like a big fuss, I am not asking for a big grand gesture. But I am asking to show me a little love. It hurt.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 01/03/2026 08:43

This is nothing to do with your children. This is all on your DH. Focus your ire on him.

Original poster

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:45

Moonnstarz · 01/03/2026 08:31

I think YABU for punishing the children when it's not their fault. How old is the eldest? I am guessing a lot older if they were using an oven unsupervised, however it's not up to them to parent their younger siblings and get them to make you a card or take them to buy a gift. Your 6 year old said she wanted to buy you flowers, so why would you want to punish her by saying you won't do anything for their birthdays or anything nice in holidays? It's up to their dad to remember and organise these things. Fair enough being mad at him but I don't think you are right in taking it out on the kids.

I would not seriously punish them for this. It was more of a empty threat and a feeling I have like perhaps should leave it up to Dh for once to make effort for their bdays/holidays.

As for dh, I will most definitely do nothing for his bday.

OP posts:

Moonnstarz · 01/03/2026 08:46

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:45

I would not seriously punish them for this. It was more of a empty threat and a feeling I have like perhaps should leave it up to Dh for once to make effort for their bdays/holidays.

As for dh, I will most definitely do nothing for his bday.

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Will he even be bothered though if you don't do anything?
Do you communicate in your household?

Insidesains · 01/03/2026 08:47

Springtoday · 01/03/2026 08:45

I would not seriously punish them for this. It was more of a empty threat and a feeling I have like perhaps should leave it up to Dh for once to make effort for their bdays/holidays.

As for dh, I will most definitely do nothing for his bday.

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That’s why I think they dread your birthday

You furious throwing around threats

Imaginingdragonsagain · 01/03/2026 08:47

This is on your dh for not modelling the behaviour when they were little. Before Mother’s Day, make your dh give them a little money and take them to choose something. Show them where the birthday signs and decorations are, and get the other children to help when it’s the next child’s birthday.