Lack of Birthday effort

[Springtoday]

AIBU to be annoyed and sad at the lack of Birthday effort made by my family? Every Birthday, I buy/wrap gifts, hang a bday sign, get a card, make sure the kids make cards. I do this for the kids and for dh. For my bday, I got absolutely nothing. Not one card, drawing or flower. I reminded them several times. My eldest at least made me some bday cookies. My youngest wanted to do something like go to the shop to buy me flowers, but she is 6 so that takes help from someone else. Anyway, I am not expecting the world, but I do so much for the holidays and bdays....I expected at least a card or a drawing or a note. And freaking flowers, which are so easy to get. I know kids usually need some help from an adult or a reminder....so I am super annoyed at dh. I told him I was very disappointed. I told everyone I will do nothing for the next holidays and bdays. Dh can take over to make things special. I am taken for granted. I told my oldest, I will still do something for her, because at least she made me cookies :) We did go out to eat as a family, but again that was at a typical place we go to anyway and it was no way different then a typical dinner out.

Anyway, I know you should never expect things back, but it did make me sad and annoyed, as I make an effort for everyone.

Don't excuse your DS because he's a boy. He could and should have done more. You are allowing him to turn into his Dad.

Your eldest DD did great, your youngest is too young

You need to speak to DH. Does he do anything for his DC or you?

Also, I celebrate my kids birthday because there is a meaning behind it. They grow up, have reached new milestones, I enjoy doing this for them.
I'm teaching them to celebrate each others too, I don't just do everything for them because I have to. They help prepping the cake, choose a present etc. My family did this too when we were kids, same for Xmas and other celebrations.

If my husband wasn't into it, I would still aim to get my children understand those values because they are important to me.
YOU could have taken your daughter to the shop to get flowers too. Or do something with her on your birthday. But instead you chose to sulk and make her feel guilty!

I find it really sad that my in-laws view of those celebrations is dropping presents at the door or sending a card. There is 0 joy or meaning behind it. My kids would much rather spending time with them, and getting to know each other.

These kids deal with unhappily married parents and their mother saying she is going to do bugger all for their birthday because they didn’t make her a card

I never said I expected her to get him to do something. She will on her own. I did express my disappointment. And now I am venting further one here.

So you’re punishing your kids? YABU this is a DH issue not your children’s fault. Rather narcissistic behaviour.

YABU. You had cookies? Why didn't you take the 6yo to get flowers? You could have got a cake at the same time & had a little party (minus DH).

YANBU to be disappointed in your DH but it sounds like this is typical for him.

Don't take it out on the kids because your DH is useless.

She's 6... My child at 6 wouldn't think to make a card unless prompted by someone because days/days aren't really a thing for children that age. Unless you've been counting down your birthday in hopes they'd all get the point.

Even at 12 I'd expect some adult input, because they are 12! They don't really think about much else.

Your anger should all be directed at DH who needs to be encouraging and helping your children with these tasks.

Make his birthday naff! He deserves it, not your children! There will come a time when they do give you the world so to speak! Let them be kids!

I can totally imagine being upset, however I don’t think I would’ve told everyone I’m not doing anything for their birthdays etc in the future.

I would say the issue lays with your Husband. He should be the driving force in all of this really. He should be getting the kids together to decorate, buy a cake, couple of gifts etc,

Yes, you are right. I don't want this either. He claimed he could not get me anything because he has no money. I told him I was not expecting a gift, but perhaps a card or a nice gesture. I will have a word with him, as I hope he would make an effort for his future family, even if a small one! Problem is, dh never teachers the kids about doing anything for me. But other way around yes, I have taught them to make cards for him etc.

If I was not around, no one would get anything for bdays or holidays!

You are right. It was more of an empty comment that would not really happen. They know this and were not upset by it, but I was hoping to get them thinking a bit. They are too young to think about these things on their own.

I will definitely sit back on dh bday, which is next btw and do nothing.

Next year, I am going to take initiative for myself. I plan to go for a spa weekend and treat myself to a relaxing weekend.

Your children are learning from their dad unfortunately. This is very much a him problem, and sadly all of these years it sounds like he has shown you how much he isnt bothered about you. Tit for tat not getting him anything wont help this toxic cycle- i would wager its not just about presents is it? The relationship cant be in a good place overall.

He rarely buys the kids stuff for bdays or holidays.

It’s weird that you’re directing all of your anger at children and none at your useless adult husband.

Its sad isnt it :( the spitefulness of wanting to go away alone next year to punish them is gross as well.

Excuse me? How dare you. I don't stomp around yearly on my bday. This one was particularly bad. I am actually laid back about it, but do expect the bare minimum. It is about showing kindness and being thoughtful towards someone you love. This is why I am upset. And stop yourself before you make another stupid comment. My kids know I would never really skip out on their bday. I always do something for them and they are confident and secure. Bugger off.

Agree. All that she is said is that she won't bother doing anything for his birthday....which might not be a punishment anyway. Maybe he doesn't really care either way hence not bothering for his wife.
It sounds like they don't communicate at all.

Not sure how you get this? I made it very clear with him my disappointment. I did not do a big song and dance about this to the children. I just made a flippant comment and they were in no way upset about it. They know I always do and always will do something for their bdays.

You’re hardly likely to admit to stomping around

It is your birthday and you are clearly in a foul mood and throwing out “empty threats”

Otherwise happy and loving marriage? Doubt it

Oh yea, I am so gross for being upset the day after my bday...yes you are right. i am awful.

In reality give it a few days and I will be over it.

I get it! It is horrible to feel that no one cares enough to do anything for you.
The 12 and 14 year old are old enough to have done something themselves or at least badgered your DH for some money to buy you a small token, especially as they knew it was your birthday.
The 6 year old is old enough to have made a card.
My DH doesn't think birthdays are important and never suggests or does anything. I usually buy something myself....not the point, I know..... but my DC always made him give them money to buy me something from them.
I know it is tempting not to do anything for them in return, but I wouldn't do that to your DC. However, I would do it to DH. Don't mention his birthday and don't do anything for him at all. He probably won't care, but at least you won't feel as though you are the one always making an effort.

Probably better than most marriages. No one has a perfect marriage. 50% end in divorce.

Me coming on here to vent is one thing, was not asking for you to judge my marriage.

Agree with others this is on your DH not your children. So your DH didn’t even get you a card? I assume this has happened previously? Why expect it to change. He clearly doesn’t like birthdays (and/or think about you/what you would like) so it’s easy - you organise your own birthday celebrations and he can do his.

Presumably he either doesn’t bother with his family for any events?

As regards your children - the eldest 2 are old enough/starting to be taught that successful relationships are built on respect and love and being thoughtful, open and honest. I would be asking them if they like special birthdays with a fuss etc and then explaining that you do to. Point out that you do also but Daddy clearly doesn’t and that’s fine, we’re all different. Ensure to say it’s not about buying ‘stuff’, just small things like making a card, a cup of tea, a cake - being thoughtful.

Having a tantrum is not the way to build a good relationship with your children. In my view as parents we need to gradually move from an adult to child to adult to adult relationship with our children.

Your kids will remember it though. ‘Empty’ threat or
not. You’ve put up with this from your DH for 14 years and allowed it to be a totally normal thing in their lives and now you express your disappointment at it like it’s their fault. You’ve chosen this man to raise them with who doesn’t value your birthday or care how you feel about it for over a decade. Sounds like a lovely healthy marriage to raise children in