Lack of Birthday effort

[Springtoday]

AIBU to be annoyed and sad at the lack of Birthday effort made by my family? Every Birthday, I buy/wrap gifts, hang a bday sign, get a card, make sure the kids make cards. I do this for the kids and for dh. For my bday, I got absolutely nothing. Not one card, drawing or flower. I reminded them several times. My eldest at least made me some bday cookies. My youngest wanted to do something like go to the shop to buy me flowers, but she is 6 so that takes help from someone else. Anyway, I am not expecting the world, but I do so much for the holidays and bdays....I expected at least a card or a drawing or a note. And freaking flowers, which are so easy to get. I know kids usually need some help from an adult or a reminder....so I am super annoyed at dh. I told him I was very disappointed. I told everyone I will do nothing for the next holidays and bdays. Dh can take over to make things special. I am taken for granted. I told my oldest, I will still do something for her, because at least she made me cookies :) We did go out to eat as a family, but again that was at a typical place we go to anyway and it was no way different then a typical dinner out.

Anyway, I know you should never expect things back, but it did make me sad and annoyed, as I make an effort for everyone.

Yup, all is happy and btw they had a good day yesterday too. One tiny comment at the end of the day, does not ruin my children for 48 hours or for the rest of their lives. It's quite worrying that some people think it would. Dc are not wrapped in cotton wool.

I told my oldest, I will still do something for her, because at least she made me cookies

oh that was kind of you

So at the end of a lovely day - you kicked off with empty threats?

So for the past 14 years - your husband has made bugger all effort?

I don’t think you should punish the kids.

The eldest was very sweet to make cookies which is quite a big effort.

The kids are just kids at the end of the day. Especially the poor 6 yo who would need adult assistance to get anything.

it would only be your husband losing out if it were my decision.

I don’t think boys are inherently less able to make an effort than girls though

This is actually very true. Lesson learned. DH did say he does not care for effort on his bday, but not sure this is really true since he has never had it like that. But since he insists...lets see how it is.

This is not your kids fault. Don’t punish them.

As for dh, I will most definitely do nothing for his bday.

Good!

Ignore him 100%, don’t wish him a happy birthday and do not remind the children it’s his birthday.

One comment really can stick with kids for the rest of their lives I think.

I still remember my Mum coming home when I was quite young making a massive fuss because she “felt sure” I would have cleared the dishwasher whilst she was out.

She hadn’t asked me to, it wasn’t my designated job or anything, I didn’t even know it was on. My two brothers were also in the house but apparently she “felt sure”
that I as a young teen would have somehow realised and done it.

OP hasn’t singled out any of them though. So it’s not the same.

Just going to update - DH did come to his senses and took the youngest to go buy my flowers and a plant. He did this in the morning as soon as the shop opened. We had a talk and he understands why I am upset and explained he does not need effort on his bday. We have now moved on. The children had a normal happy day as usual. They were not ruined as some people thing might have happened. I took the girls out for a nice lunch while the boys did some sport. The little one is playing now and the older two are studying. I have now moved on from this.

Thanks to those who offered a bit of empathy and good advice.

Well the Op singled out the eldest - telling her that because she made cookies, she would do something for her birthday!

For the first time in 14 years he’s done something? The power of communication!!

OMG. The dc did not take this seriously! It was said through frustration and a flippant remark. I was not serious. I was upset, but they know when I said that it was not set in stone or a legally signed document stating they would never get a birthday celebration 😂

So you threatened to cancel the kids’ birthdays, on the assumption they’ll know you don’t really mean it?

How do you know they’ll understand you don’t mean it?

Are you in the habit of flying off the handle and threatening things like this in the heat of the moment?

I still don’t get why you’ve put this on the kids.

Used to mum throwing around empty threats. Fair enough

I'm a big believer in communicating clearly where you have expectations, whatever they may be and whatever the situation may be. So have you told your DH clearly that you would like cards from him and the children, and to do something you wouldn't ordinarily do day-to-day to mark the occasion?

Birthdays aren't important to some people and that's absolutely fine. But birthdays are about the individual who's birthday it is. So if they're important to them, you do something to mark the occasion because surely you'd want to do things to being happiness to people you love?

Oh they’re probably used to mum throwing around threats in a grump

I'm glad DH went and got something.

As for his birthday, I would give the older two a small amount of money and tell them to buy him something. I'd encourage the youngest to make a card. You still need to help them, like you expect him to do for you.

Just because he's crap doesn't mean you stop showing your children how to behave correctly.

Hopefully next year they'll all remember.

My son pulled out a key chain he made at school Friday from his coat pocket. I told him, that would have been perfect to give me for my bday :) He smiled a gave it to me. He had a second one, so I suggested he give that to dh for his bday (he actually needs a key chain lol).

I think dh got the message. I will encourage the dc to do something, because you are right I don't want them repeating his type of behaviour. I don't think he will do this again.

Did not realise you were the saint of all mums? 😂

Did not realise you won the perfect mother award who is happy at all times? Well done! Perfect you!

OMG because they are smart. That is why they get it. GEEZ.

This is on your husband.
Yanbu to be very hurt.
I would stop doing anything for him that makes his life any easier for a start.
There is nothing wrong with telling your children you are very disappointed with their lack of effort.

Don't take it out on your kids. This is on any adult in the house - your husband. Ridiculous to do nothing at all for you.