Lack of Birthday effort

[Springtoday]

AIBU to be annoyed and sad at the lack of Birthday effort made by my family? Every Birthday, I buy/wrap gifts, hang a bday sign, get a card, make sure the kids make cards. I do this for the kids and for dh. For my bday, I got absolutely nothing. Not one card, drawing or flower. I reminded them several times. My eldest at least made me some bday cookies. My youngest wanted to do something like go to the shop to buy me flowers, but she is 6 so that takes help from someone else. Anyway, I am not expecting the world, but I do so much for the holidays and bdays....I expected at least a card or a drawing or a note. And freaking flowers, which are so easy to get. I know kids usually need some help from an adult or a reminder....so I am super annoyed at dh. I told him I was very disappointed. I told everyone I will do nothing for the next holidays and bdays. Dh can take over to make things special. I am taken for granted. I told my oldest, I will still do something for her, because at least she made me cookies :) We did go out to eat as a family, but again that was at a typical place we go to anyway and it was no way different then a typical dinner out.

Anyway, I know you should never expect things back, but it did make me sad and annoyed, as I make an effort for everyone.

Haha...no! LOL. Dh has a good job and is a high earner. That was my son, who said he did not have money, which is not true exactly (he has pocket money weekly and a pile of cash...but anyway I did say to him it is not about buying my a gift, as I don't need that, but he could have at least made a card or a nice gesture like its your bday, ill help out a bit today so you can relax, I explained these things don't cost anything ands its the thought. I don't expect my kids to buy me gifts, of course not. But perhaps hanging up the bday sign that I always do for everyone else or perhaps making a card or writing a note. Or perhaps helping around the house so I coud relax w out me asking them.

As for dh, I told him I was upset and disappointed. He also was told that its up to the parent to help the kids make an effort. So he knows it was not great what he did. His lame excuse was he was working late Friday. Well, he had all day Saturday to do something. Anyway, he knows I am disappointed.

Also, I don't want to paint dh as the complete bad guy. He does work very very hard and I am able to not work because of it. He pays for our holidays, the kids school fees etc. He knows I am thankful of this.

I would tell him now you expect him to make up for it on mother’s day, and help the children do something nice for you

You are right. It is not really the dc fault. He should be taking the lead for sure. As for MD, we never celebrate that lol. I don't mind it really. Of course it would be nice if someone did something, but I don't even think about it or know what day it is etc

I am just going to try and move on from it. We never celebrate it other then if the kids school got them to make something when younger. I think my youngest might still make something at school, but they eventually stop doing that.

My mum does this shit whenever she's called out for her behaviour. Oh woe is me I'm just the worst person ever....I do my best....I'm such a martyr.....
She's emotionally immature, selfish, and frankly exhausting and I remember a lot of dramatics like this from my childhood.
Yanbu to be annoyed at your husband or for wanting your birthday to be celebrated. Yabu for blaming your children. 6 years old and getting 'well I just won't make any effort for them in future'. FFS.

As mums we need to start to realise that it is only us who place importance on occasions like birthdays, mothers day or valentines. They are not as important to other people. Especially men. They are also highly commercialised.

Then we end up bitterly disappointed when we put effort in for others and it is not returned. There is no pleasure in receiving gifts that are forced either.
The only answer is to celebrate your children while they are small but mirror DH effort when it comes to his. Then on your special day book yourself a spa day or show and tell him he is looking after the kids

Okay. Let’s fix this. If you generally have a good, happy, loving marriage, surely you can have a proper conversation with your husband about this? Sit down together and talk to him about how you feel. Tell him it breaks your heart that your daughter wanted to get you flowers but he didn’t take her. Tell him you want him to model to his son how to treat a woman, how he should’ve encouraged his son to make you a lovely card.

I think it’s pointless to say you’re not going to bother with his birthday anymore as I doubt he’d be that bothered. You’re better off having an adult conversation.

For sure, sit back and show him what it's like!

I do agree with another post, not letting your son turn into the same, but he is only 12... So maybe encourage him to make cards for other family members (aunts, nans, grandad's etc ) and hopefully he won't be like his dad too much! 😂

I don’t imagine Christmas Day is a barrel of laughs around @Springtoday ‘s house

And Mother’s Day…. Must be a dark day

How could this be a generally good and happy marriage? I don’t get that impression at all

These posts are always so alien to me.

We don't make a massive fuss with birthdays but DP always has a card and gifts for me and DC dad (divorced) has always taken them out to buy me (and DP on his birthday) a small gift and makes a card etc with them.

ExH usually pops a card from him in with the DCs card and gift. Like OP has said its not the monetary value that's important, it's the effort and recognition that's appreciated.

Someone asked OP if she had an otherwise good, happy marriage and she replied with “probably better than most marriages” so I was using that for my response!

I do agree with you though, it’s hard to imagine!

I agree with you ive been with partner 5 years and my son i may get a card or a txt but his family nothing not even a txt and especially on purpose i gwt absolutely ignored by step daughter dispite reminders by dad, now im not saying i want anything other than a quick text or visit,my partner it usually a takeaway and a card no matter what ,he never makes a real effort and noone ever has yet again xmas and birthdays no effort at all,so guess what 2025 year i changed token gifts for kids (both earn alot better than us)and zero effort for hubbys 50th,a voucher card and i had to work ,later date went for a meal and his daughter expected me to pay ordering stupid price drinks etc and when bill came i put 100 pound down more than enough to cover our costs and let /made them pay rest ,stop doing it,ive always made fuss and been generous with people and im alowly learning nope dont do it,make a point of buying myaelf treats on such dates instead!
Birthdays step daughter ive always gone mad,xmas events and i just know its not appreciatwd juat expected,partner is gonna get a shock this year when noine geta atuff bourght by me his family his domain i have decided,thwy get away with treating me like crap so vice versa!😳

Keep doing something for your kids but match your husband's energy. Do not buy that man as much as a card for his birthday. See how mother's day goes then do exactly the same thing on father's Day. You might be able to turn things around by the time the kids are old enough to really understand.

why unfair on the older 2? Unless they live in the middle of nowhere, 12 and 14 are more than old enough to go to the local shop and get a card and some chocolates/flowers on the way to school, and help the younger one make a card.

I agree that it's 95% on the DH but to me it seemed obvious that OP wouldn't actually completely ignore their birthdays, but it didn't do them any harm to show her that their complete lack of effort really upset her.

if you husband hasn’t made an effort for the past however many years… why would you suddenly expect different?

Simply ignore your DH’s birthday and don’t do anything to help your DC give him a gift:treat etc.
Let him feel how it stings.

What a way to live

It’s an awful way to live but the only way some selfish men learn to think of others. What should the DH have a fuss made of them and not the OP?

The op has told him repeatedly how hurt she is
and… makes no difference

playing tit for tat is just going to make this an even unhappier family home for the kids

This is the mistake that women make imo, ie society says that they should put an effort in, in fact put others first, and if you don’t you’re mean and everyone will suffer. Not so. The DH clearly doesn’t think a fuss of birthdays is important so must include his own. In the same way my DP has never bothered with cards and gifts for his family as he clearly doesn’t see it as important. The OP can make things lovely for her DC and bring them up in her traditions, they may not carry those on but she’s doing what’s right for her and putting her energy into her children.

The truth is this though in my experience. Men like a fuss made of them, many are very self centred. They just can’t be bothered to reciprocate.

FFS I am not your mother. Nor do I act like I am such a martyr. I am hoping to raise dc that make an effort. And they also have brains so they understand I won't really go through with it. They are not insecure children who worry about a small remark made once in their lives and have had a lovely day. No drama.

They’ve had a lovely day? Really?

Yes, exactly this makes sense. Esp if they are older/adult children. They should know better.

What do you expect a 12 year old to do? Does he have money?

Your 14 year old made you biscuits