Lack of Birthday effort

[Springtoday]

AIBU to be annoyed and sad at the lack of Birthday effort made by my family? Every Birthday, I buy/wrap gifts, hang a bday sign, get a card, make sure the kids make cards. I do this for the kids and for dh. For my bday, I got absolutely nothing. Not one card, drawing or flower. I reminded them several times. My eldest at least made me some bday cookies. My youngest wanted to do something like go to the shop to buy me flowers, but she is 6 so that takes help from someone else. Anyway, I am not expecting the world, but I do so much for the holidays and bdays....I expected at least a card or a drawing or a note. And freaking flowers, which are so easy to get. I know kids usually need some help from an adult or a reminder....so I am super annoyed at dh. I told him I was very disappointed. I told everyone I will do nothing for the next holidays and bdays. Dh can take over to make things special. I am taken for granted. I told my oldest, I will still do something for her, because at least she made me cookies :) We did go out to eat as a family, but again that was at a typical place we go to anyway and it was no way different then a typical dinner out.

Anyway, I know you should never expect things back, but it did make me sad and annoyed, as I make an effort for everyone.

You are focusing your anger at the children which is wrong.

You need to sit down with your husband and have a clear and direct conversation about how you’re not happy with his lack of effort and tell him what you need changing.

Thanks for this. Yes, you are right. I would not really skip out on doing things for the kids bdays. They know that and that is why they were not upset by the comment. I do hope however they learn to make efforts in the future for people they love.

You are right, maybe dh won't mind having know celebration or acknowledgement on his bday.

Do not punish your kids for having a useless father!

I am not focusing any anger on them! Its towards my husband for sure. It was just one flippant comment, which they were not bothered by as they know it would never happen. My dc know me and they know I would never not really do this!

I let dh know. It is still fresh in my mind, so I am still upset, but come Monday will have moved on from this.

This is good advice.

DH used to make a small effort, but over the years less and less. I admit, I make less of an effort towards him as well, as my focus is more on the kids. But he does get some effort at least on his bday.

The dc hardly noticed my comment about not making efforts for their bdays or holidays, as they know I would never do that. But they did understand I was upset. But I did not make them upset by it if that makes sense. They are secure and happy children. They know I love them.

This is so sad. I’d be devastated if DH did this to me. It’s typical that the mum/wife makes al the effort and arrangements and the man just gets the appreciation and reward. I’d definitely have another talk with him and ask him why he thinks this was acceptable. I certainly wouldn’t be over it in a few days.

Your kids wont forget though, gross.

But you did specify to one of them you’d still make the effort for her… were the others not present for that comment?

Yes, they were there, but the way the comment was made they knew it was not something that would actually happen.

Oh how gross. Of course they will forget. My kids are resilient. People can be upset and move on from it. Geez. No one was upset by it. I woke up feeling a little upset, as it just happened. Kids are up and happily getting ready for the day. I am not sulking towards them. I am venting on here and then will go about my day and move on from it.

It is lovely you make an effort but that is your choice

OP perhaps take yourself and the DC out today for coffee and cake to celebrate your birthday?

Dont waste energy in your DH, be positive and happy.

BTW I hope you don’t do all his families birthdays and Christmas stuff. If so sit him down and tell
him that you rent be doing it anymore as you understand he doesn’t think these things are important.

Yes, this is exactly it. A lot of time it is the women putting all the effort in, while the man sits back. I know this is not always the case, but I do see it more than not the woman taking charge. I honestly don't mind making the effort for others, but would hope to have the teeniest effort as well for my day.

Others suggested I should have taken charge to get my kids making an effort for my own bday, but tbh that is just not cutting it for me.

Unfortunately, he is like the Christmas grinch. If it were up to him we would not have a tree. I do everything. This year though, I did say he has to help with cooking, as it does put a lot of pressure for me to do all the gifts for the kids, Santa gifts, cooking, decorating the house, getting the tree, decorating the tree (kids help a little, but I do end up having to then later fixing it a bit, as my youngest for example has the habit of putting too many decorations in one spot lol). Anyway, we don't exchange gifts anymore for the adults for xmas, which is fine. I dont need gifts for my bday either...we have everything we want/need. It was just more the thoughtlessness on my bday that upset. I could have dont with a little card, note or drawing. Someone hanging up the bday sign, which btw was left out on the side table bc my eldest has a bday just before mine. I should not having to do all this for my bday and I dont bc that would make me more annoyed.

I think I will just be a little indulgent towards myself at some point today....take a nice hot bath and have a treat. I kind of want to move on from this and don't want to celebrate my bday much anymore. I will try to snap out of this mood and be positive and happy. At least it looks like we might have some nice weather coming and that always cheers up my mood. :)

You are absolutely kidding yourself that they won’t remember. Hopefully you also laid some of the guilt trip on your husband and not just your kids

Disappointed for you op. I match the energy now Im January its always overlooked. But yes they should have done something for you. Most shops have cards.

I can empathise, it's rubbish if you make the effort for others and get no effort back. My 40th was like this, no celebration or gift, although I did get cards.

I think it's unreasonable to tell everyone you're not bothering with birthdays and holidays anymore, even if thats how you feel. I dont think the children can really be to blame for your husbands lack of effort. Some people don't put much weight on birthday celebrations, so efforts may not seem aligned.

My only advice would be, lower your efforts for your husband to match his, and buy yourself something nice instead.

Its worse they know what youre like and that you say hurtful things without meaning it, no wonder they arent bothered about it though!

DH didn’t do anything as he “has no money”? Sounds like an absolute prince. Does her seriously have no money? Sounds like he’s contributing absolutely nothing then, emotionally or physically.

I think there should be a special section "I had a rubbish b/day due to DH" The times I have read on here, Mums are upset at no effort from families (where DH should be taking the lead).My DH isnt exactly the Milk tray man, but even he can remember BD and MD.I think maybe when calmer ,say you were hurt at lack of effort . Dont blame DC though .Your older ones are taking the lead from Dad! You had some nice cookies from your older DD.Maybe she can take the younger DD to the shop for some flowers? Daffs are around £1 .00 per bunch ATM.Going forward can you discuss with DH how hurt you felt .Maybe on MD he could get some small things from DC for you .

Wow, I am shocked if you have kids who are not able to forget a small comment made. Of course, I let dh know and the dc barely noticed my comment! They don't sit dwelling on a small comment made, as actions speak louder than words (and my actions show love, effort etc on their bdays/holidays for the last 14 years!). I would be worried if my dc were the type to years later think their lives were ruined because their mummy was upset and made an empty threat, which never materialized. 😂My kids are strong, resilient and confident.

Anyway, I spent enough time on this, so onwards and upwards. I am off to enjoy my Sunday. Ciao.

And OP ignore all the posters going on and on about your comment to the children.

There is nothing wrong, imo, with children seeing their parents upset/annoyed and seeing us say things in anger. No one is perfect. What’s important is how it’s dealt with afterwards. You are clearly a lovely thoughtful mum, you’ve simply shown them that the way your DH has treated you/the way he acts is different from what you do. They are being taught that being respectful and loving doesn’t cost anything but makes us all feel happier and warmer inside.

Oh yes, I will def be doing this :)

I didn’t say their lives would be ruined, don’t be so dramatic. I said they would remember. Kids do remember the slightly harsh/snide comments like that. It doesn’t mean they aren’t resilient or happy, it means you made a shitty comment and they will remember it. Weird you think your teens are oblivious to the things you say to them.