Am I in the wrong?

[YourKeenOpalMember]

So been with DH for 12 plus years. When entertaining DH’s family have always made lots of effort, spent a fortune catering etc.

In the past when entertaining DH’s family either pull out on the day, have to be chased for a response. Even made me switch the days only to tell me a day before they had plans after I had made everyone change their plans. Then one Mother’s Day, I decided to host for both sets of family, I made a ridiculous amount of effort and gave plenty of notice and no one on DH’s side confirmed until just before. It appeared at the time they were waiting for a better offer.

Things like Christmas etc, they will offer to entertain a few weeks before hand which by then we have already made plans, ordered food etc.

Every year, I always invite MIL round on Mother’s Day as I entertain my side plus brother’s family and MIL. Every year she declines.

Last year, SIL and BIL who leave even talking about Mother’s day until the week before decided that they should spend Mother’s Day all together, DH included. DH said no as we already had plans which MIL was invited to. A joke was made stay why was he spending it with me as I’m not his mum (we have kids together). DH done something with MIL day before.

This year, same as above, MIL was invited, said would let me know. Now SIL has booked a table, ages away from us, for her, MIL, DH, BIL, his wife and their kids. Table booking would mean husband is out of the house for 12-4. I feel incredibly hurt. DH has declined the offer. Little side note, DH did say to SIL they could all do something together day before which was declined as she had plans, also said he wouldn’t take our kids (hence why they weren’t included). Extra points, I have very serious food allergies which aren’t taken serious by his side hence why we always entertain at home. We probably see MIL once a month and I generally get on well with everyone.

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive

Stop with the hard work and invites. No need for any drama. Just step back.

Don't tell a Coeliac what they can and can't eat, especially when you obviously haven't a clue.

I have 46 years of it under my belt.

Solidarity OP. Stop trying so hard with your IL's, life will be so much easier.

Does your husband invite and host your relatives and keep track of who did or didn't invite people?

It's his responsibility to maintain contact and relationships with his relatives.

I think you all want different things, OP.
maybe drop the rope and stop planning so much. Or just plan for your little family. Get DH to plan things if he wants for all these in laws.

A lot of these replies are either a) not reading OP's posts properly or b) being, imho, a bit harsh. It sounds to me like OP would be fine with whatever the family want to do, whether that's just MIL come to hers and the rest of the family do their own thing (which they did for years), OP hosts for everyone at theirs (which they've also tried), or even MIL go to one of her other kids and OP's DH makes his own arrangements to see her another day - as long as it's planned in advance!

The issue seems to be that none of the rest of the family plan anything until last minute, and then seem annoyed that OP has already made other plans for herself and kids (because it's also mother's day for her!) and, unsurprisingly, doesn't want to change them last minute. Which to me seems perfectly understandable and, after years of trying to please them, I would also just say 'fuck it lets just do our own thing, if MIL doesn't have any other offers she's always welcome here but I'm not planning anything elaborate for someone who either won't commit or who changes her mind if she gets a better offer!'

Thank you. This is exactly what I meant x

When will you learn to quit pulling out all the stops and making a massive great effort?

Very similar here OP, down to the gluten issue! Cross contamination is an issue.

I agree with others to drop the rope. We did a few years ago and ILs are now communicating with us and meeting us in the middle arrangements wise and it’s much healthier all around.

DH has been telling me this for years but I think he is right. Thank you for the advice x