Am I in the wrong?

[YourKeenOpalMember]

So been with DH for 12 plus years. When entertaining DH’s family have always made lots of effort, spent a fortune catering etc.

In the past when entertaining DH’s family either pull out on the day, have to be chased for a response. Even made me switch the days only to tell me a day before they had plans after I had made everyone change their plans. Then one Mother’s Day, I decided to host for both sets of family, I made a ridiculous amount of effort and gave plenty of notice and no one on DH’s side confirmed until just before. It appeared at the time they were waiting for a better offer.

Things like Christmas etc, they will offer to entertain a few weeks before hand which by then we have already made plans, ordered food etc.

Every year, I always invite MIL round on Mother’s Day as I entertain my side plus brother’s family and MIL. Every year she declines.

Last year, SIL and BIL who leave even talking about Mother’s day until the week before decided that they should spend Mother’s Day all together, DH included. DH said no as we already had plans which MIL was invited to. A joke was made stay why was he spending it with me as I’m not his mum (we have kids together). DH done something with MIL day before.

This year, same as above, MIL was invited, said would let me know. Now SIL has booked a table, ages away from us, for her, MIL, DH, BIL, his wife and their kids. Table booking would mean husband is out of the house for 12-4. I feel incredibly hurt. DH has declined the offer. Little side note, DH did say to SIL they could all do something together day before which was declined as she had plans, also said he wouldn’t take our kids (hence why they weren’t included). Extra points, I have very serious food allergies which aren’t taken serious by his side hence why we always entertain at home. We probably see MIL once a month and I generally get on well with everyone.

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive

I think the issue here is due to your food allergies they can never ever take their mother out for Mother’s Day, it always has to be at your house. And you won’t give them a pass ever. It’s with you, at yours, or nothing.

can you really not eat out at a restaurant ever?

As 1 of 4 siblings there is NO way we would all give up Mothers day to spend 4 hrs with our DM and each other, leaving mothers/husbands/children at home. I think its an absolutely weird situation. When you get married, have children your priorities are/should be for your 'new' family. My DM could be very controlling but even she would never have suggested this!
Before my DM died we would go and see both her and my MiL on Mothers Day, both live close by,
I would continue to offer with a ' going to have get together on [date and time] would love to see you. Let us know by [date] if you'd like to come' and Id leave it that.

I do think you are in the wrong here although with good intentions. You see it as organising nice events for people while accommodating your food allergies. They may see it as"we are all supposed to go around there again". While there is no excuse for letting you down at the last minute, which is rude, you are not picking up on the clear signals they are giving you that they do not want to come to yours for these celebrations and are finding it awkward to say no, or thinking saying "something came up" is more polite than a straight no thank you we want to do something else.
This year they have said "no thank you we are doing something else" and you have proved them correct by being dramatically upset. Be gracious - not every thing needs to be according to your plans

I have coeliac disease, so can only eat gluten free and it has to be cooked separately in different fryers etc. So you can’t just go to a restaurant on a whim and especially can’t book a table for so many people a few days before. I probably should have made that clearer. I have many times been to family events and not been catered for even sat at restaurants and not been able to eat as that’s where the family wanted to eat. Constantly get told to just eat a little bit of gluten and that it won’t hurt me.

But you can have a salad, you can have veg, potatoes, meat, poultry, eggs, rice etc, none of that risks contamination in any decent restaurant.

as said, you threw the bit in about your allergies at the end, but the issue is fundamentally you are persisting in not allowing them to take their mother out for lunch on Mother’s Day ever and then take offence when they do so.

this is the issue, either go with them snd eat from a list of safe foods, or say something like every second year its with you.

I think you have misread my post only MIL was invited and minus last year they all wanted to do their own things

Absolutely, the op is even stopping her husband taking his mother out for Mother’s Day lunch, if he wishes lunch with his mother, if any of them do, it has to be at her house.

she sees it as accommodating them they see it as always forcing them to do as she wishes and never allowed to do something nice for their mother.

op, stop forcing every even to be at your home, you can eat plenty of things without risk of cross contamination, you chose not to.

You did make it clear OP, the problem is that you seem to think it should dictate every special occasion for everyone but it doesn’t. You seem to expect all sides of every family to be there every time, and that just doesn’t work for everyone.

Every year you invite her op, every year you want your husband to spend it with you, every year you do the same for Xmas etc,

millions of people have coeliac disease, there is no need for your fear, there is plenty of things you can eat.

Stop making so much effort for people who couldn't care less. Just stick with your nearest and dearest and leave the rest of them to it

I think you’re putting in way too much effort for people that don’t appreciate it. Just stick to your family and DH can organise stuff if he wants to.

@YourKeenOpalMember
I did read that but was too polite to comment on how inconsiderate you are keeping your MIL from her other children on mothers day. You are not the only mother in this instance.
And you have misread my post. They do not want to do the sort of things you are organising and do not want to come to your house for all celebratory dates!!!

It is also possible that they do not like your food.
A friend of mine is dear and sweet and keeps inviting us to dinner but it is really difficult as she could burn water. Or possibly you are a great chef but they fancy things with gluten in. It may not seem fair to you but it is not a crime.

I am losing patience because many responses say you should be flexible and all your responses are - but I planned it this way so that is the right way.
Your poor DH

All special occasions are not at my house and never did I say that. We celebrate our kids birthday and our own birthdays at our house which I think is acceptable to do. We don’t host at Easter, Christmas or Father’s Day.

Christmas, we were invited once to, last minute. DH declined as he likes to spend it at home. We don’t offer to host except for parents as our house isn’t big enough.

I do not cook my guests gluten free food. I cook them gluten food and make myself something separate.

Never said DH couldn’t see or spend time with his mum. If that was the case I wouldn’t have invited her in the first place. I never invited his siblings as they have their own families, they more than likely wouldn’t come plus their husband/wives have mums so I wouldn’t want to complicate their days even more.

Simply was saying that for 10 out of 12 years, no one made any sort of effort for MD but I invited her round every year without fail.

We stay at home as in his family it’s tradition for the man to pick up the bill for the entire party and we simply can’t afford it.

They usually arrange something a few days before hand. DH was annoyed and I was upset as all of a sudden, they expect that we should change our plans (which they were aware of) to cater for their plans but wouldn’t do a later dinner booking as it ruined their other plans for the day. MIL isn’t even bothered by any of this.

I have actually told DH multiple times to go but he is fed up of being expected to change his plans for his siblings constantly. We have had to change dates of family get togethers for our kids birthdays for them to tell us the day before that they wouldn’t be coming etc

It sounds as though your diet is very restricted. It's harsh but I think the problem is that these people are not living with your restrictions, I think that most of us try to be kind but when something doesn't directly affect us it's hard to take on something very restrictive. It's not unreasonable for them to want to do something normal to them like a more impromptu meal out.

Yet another thread where the problem is the inlaws and yet all the planning, catering and entertaining appears to be down to the OP.

Are we to take it the men in the family put in all this hard work when it's Father's Day?

They sound inconsiderate of you and your plans and lives. Whereas you've tried to work around them. All the posters feeling sorry for them would change their tune if they were actually trying to make any plans with these people! But the main thing here is that your DH is pulling in your direction and is handling this well. Let him carry on doing that. He sounds great. Go and have your own Mother's Day plan. Reply lightly to anything they say about it and go 'ah, shame it didn't work out, next time maybe'.

Forgot to add but yes, I do think it's selfish to want to plan and control what your MIL does on her Mother's Day, and to be pissed off at the thought your husband might want to spend 4 hours with his mother on that day.

I invited MIL to MD as none of her children including my DH even thought about her until I mentioned it.She probably still wouldn’t be invited anywhere if it wasn’t for me. I’m not controlling her day or how she spends it, she is free to do as she wishes.

There has been years when no one has even made plans for her birthday apart from me.

Again, never said my DH couldn’t spend time with his mum. The table booking was made without consulting with my husband whether the time was ok when they already knew we had plans. He asked them to change it and they wouldn’t as it conflicts with their other plans. Husband works very long hours, kids are often in bed when he gets home, so he likes to make the most of his weekends with them. MIL actually encouraged him to spend MD at home and arranged to go out for dinner with him Saturday night once the kids are in bed.

This isn't I hate my MIL and want to keep her son away from her post. In fact the complete opposite that no one makes the effort for her which I think is plain right rude and they should all have more respect for her.

I think you are just people who plan socialising very differently.

because of your food intolerances you plan very much in advance and then you/your dh get annoyed at their lack of commitment until the very end as it seems rude to you

they seem much happier to leave things until much shorter notice and then plan. Your very much in the future planning doesn’t work for them so they leave it invitations hanging until they are ready to deal with them

neither of you are right/wrong you are just very different in how you choose to do things and this is causing annoyance, probably on both sides.

Can you not all go to a restaurant that can cater for you all? If the reason you are not going is due to your condition then can they not book a restaurant that is suitable for everyone?
if not, then it’s quite reasonable for your DH to say no, that doesn’t work for us.

For all their faults men do tend to see fathers' day as a load of old commercialised nonsense and are generally happy with a lie in and a bottle of single malt. Tbh it's not until I joined MN quite recently that I realised quite how big a deal some people make of mothers' day. As I said upthread for my family it's always been a card, flowers and phone call affair. I obviously knew that a lot of people went out for dinner too but there was never much enthusiasm for that. If some women insist on making it a rival for Christmas in terms of the potential for hassle and family aggravation then that's their lookout.

I don’t think it’s anyone thinks you hate your mil and want to keep her son away from her,

what is thought is you don’t go out for meals, and want to eat at home, your home. So the only way for her to spend Mother’s Day with all her children is in your home. Same for Xmas. Where you tell them you’ve already planned to have it at home. So again, your husband doesn’t spend any of these occasions with his family unless it’s in your home.

why would they discuss venue with you. They know you wouldn’t go anyway, they know your husband cant go either because of it. He has to spend 9t with you at home. So they may as well pick the venue they wish.

you can eat out, there is no restaurant you can’t eat at, you can eat so many foods, from potatoes to rice to grains to meat to poultry to seafood to salad.

are you using your celiac disease as a way to avoid going out to restaurants, as it makes no sense.

Every restaurant is suitable for her, I’ve neve4 been to a restaurant ever that she couldn’t go to.

Drop the rope OP, completely.

With CD there will be some places that can’t/wont cater but with forward planning they can find somewhere.
is OP scared to go out so this is why they don’t ask? So everyone has to go to hers? If OP will go out then they are not being kind if they are not choosing restaurants that are safe for her.
if they are deliberately choosing unsuitable venues then she is indirectly being excluded.
im trying to work out who is bu