I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

Heavy masker at school.

Can she be left at home with someone so she misses the party but her sibling doesn’t? This sounds so hard, give yourself a break.

I’ve tried asking social services for help but they aren’t interested in us.

Husband and I are professionals, child is privately educated and goes to school, fed and looked after.

So she’s not a priority

Op I recognise/remember these behaviours from my 2 ND teens. It probably peaked aged 14. There were constant demands and fixations - and yes I remember it going on into the night. It was absolutely terrible with them for a few years. I would often give in as was so exhausted and wanted it to stop. However this never satisfied or eased their anxiety.

It was a lose, lose situation for me as if I gave in they would move on to new demands. If I refused their demands and meltdowns would continue. I was at the end of my tether.

The only thing that worked was time, maturity and sertraline for their anxiety.

They are 16 and 18. They don't do it anymore. They have their own part time jobs and can buy and sell on vinted.

As I said in my other posts - they need to ask for support

What support is this please? As I am pretty sure none exists for parents in this situation.

I think you could use some therapy and some respite

Christ Almighty, its not a boadroom negotiation over budgets. Be the parent, put strong boundaries with consequences in place and don't entertain poor behavior due to an autism label.

I suspect this could be a fall out from that. Are the school supportive? Would they work with you to try and make accommodations for her so that she doesn't have to mask so much? Relieving the pressure there would hopefully make things easier at home over time as she will not be so exhausted.

You mentioned that she is privately educated, would you be able to afford to get her some professional help privately?

Oh OP, you have my absolute sympathy.
Forgive yourself for last night.
It sounds like she would break a saint.
Unfortunately on MN you will read about children who are allowed to dominate the house growing up and it only gets worse and worse.
I think you need to keep saying No to her on a loop.
Have you considered asking for some fostering respite via SS?
It may read as dramatic but you sound absolutely worn out and maybe a break might give you all the reset you need.
Sending you strength.

You need to disengage from this completely.

It is anxiety driven.

The best results I have had (same social and school situation as you, older kids) have been where I have disengaged entirely from what was causing the stress, and made it completely black and white - such as not buying anything ad hoc any more.

Mistakes I have made included giving a (large amount of) money for shopping, thinking this would be excellent as no need to think about whether she had enough to buy what she saw and liked etc - it was HORRENDOUS. This was where I realised it was all anxiety based and we from that point on had a blanket rule of she wouldn’t be given spending money again. My other child, if he had money from birthdays/Christmas etc literally could not rest until it was all spent (and therefore mostly wasted). It’s so hard to work out how to handle it, but in my experience there needs to be no grey scale.

I won’t discuss with you buying things, ever. If something is needed, we will go on X day and get it and I won’t talk to you about it before then. And then mean it, stick to it, expect initial explosions and pushback but in my experience it settled down far more quickly than expected - and both of my kids communicated afterwards that this approach is helpful as it stopped the overthinking about it.

Hi OP, this sounds really hard. I have been in a similar predicament when DC was younger and I was struggling with being physically hurt all the time. I found a great audio book called 'calm parents, happy kids' which is all about how to manage and regulate your own emotions in heated moments.

With your DCs obsessions with stuff, all these objects have meaning to her. It sounds like football is a huge new obsession, and so she wants all the things that go with it. I am with PP who suggested a board. Write up the thing 'football boots', the criteris for getting them 'when you've done 6 training sessions' and the logic 'because that shows you are committed to the sport'

You can do this with other things too. Like the world book day costume, 'will be delivered on Wednesday' etc.

Then she has all the information she needs when she starys to panic that something is missing, and when she asks you can broken record 'check the board'

Edit to add: you can also put things on there you wont buy and the reasons i.e.
Silk scarf from Paris, too expensive, would need to be a main Chistmas or Birthday present

I’ve asked everyone - school are great. GP gave me a leaflet. Social services said no.

repsite would be good but I wouldn’t want her to feel bad that she was taken away from the rest of us

Can you plan in regular mental health days for you and your husband? Maybe every month/3 months/6 months, either together or separately?

Just a day where you use annual leave (or a sick day if things are really bad), to rest and recuperate, or to have fun together. Either that, or really prioritise buying in some practical help for your daughter, maybe by paying off current debts more slowly.

It would give you a break and knowing that you'll have a peaceful day off/a break in x days or weeks time might help you to cope when life with your daughter becomes really difficult.

I really feel for you, my dd is in a similar situation, but DH and I are able to help out and give them breaks (we both have long careers in working with very challenging SEN and ND children, so it's relatively 'easy' for us).

Thank you. I tried the written thing but it was torn up and ripped int little pieces this morning. DH let me sleep this morning whilst he got up with her. She was asking for frehc toast and pancakes at 5. I’m at home now with her missing mums party. She’s asking for me to set up the Easter tree now so like nothing has happened

Ah come on, OP knows it was bad. Have you ever had someone go on and on and on at you. And felt sick because you’re so bloody tired. I have and at times I’ve snapped too. It’s bloody relentless sometimes.

You physically and verbally abused your 11 year old daughter because she was displaying symptoms of her disability? And her Dad didn't step in to protect her?

The pair of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Please contact social services. Your DD deserves to live in a home free from this kind of abuse.

You need to look at the bigger picture: she may or may not feel bad until she gets used to it (she may also come to love it), but you'd be able to parent her with much more understanding, tolerance and patience, having had a break.

You and your husband need to put your own oxygen masks on first, to be able to best help your children.

Could you get a white board and put it high up out of reach? Something she can't destroy when angry, can't lose but can easily see?

School are wonderful.

no I can’t - I can cope with school fees and forked out for the diagnose privately but I don’t have any more money to spend.

she was worse in the state sector.

TBH whether she’s ND or not, she has to learn that she can’t have everything she wants, when she wants it! Non ND children can and do behave like this too - I’d recommend a terse ‘I can’t afford it, so stop asking!’ And repeat ad lib if necessary.

Have you discussed the possibility of trying medication with a specialist? I know 10 is young, but maybe even just knowing there are options to try in a few years time could be helpful for you? Also I agree with previous posters who suggested behavioural therapy for dd. I don’t think you can go on like this as a family for very long. Your daughter deserves help and you all deserve a happy and calm home.

You’re so setting her against the rest of the family and she will sense that. You really need help to break out of this.

She sounds exhausting Op, and you seem exhausted.

People tend to criticise ChatGPT on mumsnet but if I were you, I would use it to try train and disciplin her. I would explain the daily behaviour day by day and how you should firmly react to her countless demands. That may mean you have several sleepless nights for a while as she reacts.
Sometimes Chat Gpt is a fantastic support when there is noone else to help and guide. Its my go-to with difficult dynamics that others dont understand.

This. She's a child. I think that some people are forgetting that. Let's not normalise what's going on here. Read the posts. Had enough of her. Sick of her. Going to write her a letter telling her she's not getting her football boots

She didn't choose to be autistic and as I said in previous posts if the Op is completely at the end of her tether she needs to ask for support - her GP might be a good place to start - before this escalates - because at the moment the OP seems to think that screaming and shouting and saying horrible things and shoving and dragging her daughter from her bed is normal - it's not normal.

It is abuse.