I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

It’s dopamine addiction. Similar to sensory-seeking behaviour, and you’re right that she can’t help it, but that doesn’t make it any less wearing for you to deal with. You need to find strategies for yourself to withdraw and calm down when she does it, because you absolutely cannot physically dominate her again. You know that’s abusive and crossed a line. I advise also doing some reading about dopamine addiction in ND people - with my youngest we have had some success in redirecting him to other things that help scratch the itch (chime balls, dumbbells, a punchbag and certain games in his case, but different courses for different horses!)

DD12 is a bit like this. She’s got ADHD. I did find that when I bought her a Primark voucher for Xmas she was much choosier about what she bought. She does think I’m the bank of Mum. I get your frustration. I don’t think a bit of anger every now and again is a bad thing. She’s going to encounter it with other people as she gets older, better for her to learn about boundaries from you. I just keep at it, stay firm, and explain why the behaviour causes my irritation. She gets it, then forgets, but getting better as she gets older and she becomes more self aware.

When you are all calm, you and your husband need to sit down with and agree some ground rules.
She has possibly learnt to nag until you give in and knows that it gets results.
Give her an allowance and once it's spent, it's spent. Tell her there is no more money. Do not give in to tantrums or try to appease every whim. She will never be satisfied.

Could it be ADHD along with her ASD? Sounds xtremely impulsive, demanding and focused on that thing until it's in hand, then moving to the next thing.

Firm, loving, neutral language and give an amount of time to discuss it. Writing it in a shared notebook or to do list/calendar when/how it will happen might allow her to let it out of her mind and stop repeatedly demanding it. Keep saying that's in the diary, it will happen on X day. I'm not discussing it again. You can check the diary/list.

No one is at their best when woken and you snapped. Try to get some you time away from her and the same for your partner. Divide and conquer, this phase will pass.

Earning points or tokens visually might be helpful for her. Each £ is 1 point of token and she can earn 1 each day for doing XYZ until she reaches her goal.
Or only ever being able to use her pocket money (if you can, give her a little more to facilitate this) but this needs to be earned.

My autistic son went from never asking for stuff, even as a small child, to asking for everything. I set up a rooster card and now if he ever asks I just hand him the card. He usually says no and doesn't buy it. Initially he spent his money every week now he doesn't bother and has £150 saved.

It does sound like you are burned out, exhausted and it just tipped you over. I hope you feel better today

I will apologise to her in the morning.

she also needs to realise shouting at 11pm from her bed is not acceptable.

If my husband dragged me out of bed and screamed in my face then that would be abusive and my relationship would be over immediately.
There would be multiple posters telling me that I should ring the police.

You are not seeming to understand how bad your actions were.
You say you will apologise to her but then immediately put the blame back on her and say she needs to stop shouting from her bed - that is irrelevant compared to your behaviour.

As a child, her behaviour is her parents responsibility.
You both need to teach her how to behave, which is an ongoing thing that all parents need to do and do things to reward/sanction her - not by being abusive.

I assumed you were a single parent but knowing that you share responsibility with her dad shows that you’re even more U.

As a single parent with an autistic child, I literally had no one else to share it with and I still didn’t get physical.

She does not sound like a difficult child at all.

Obviously you need to work on teaching her better behaviour but you and DH really need to ensure you both get time out of the house to do your own things and have that break.

If you and DH can work on your own resilience and anger issues, then you’ll be able to do with her much better.

I think you need to do the same to her.

So if she wakes you up screaming, try waking her up screaming.

If she’s nagging you through the door, you do the same.

She sounds like she needs a taste of her own behaviour.

I agree with the first few responses on this thread. You are clearly not an abusive parent OP, you sound like a very nice parent who understandably lost their shit on this occasion.

The behaviour sounds so difficult, then throw in sleep deprivation and being woken up and honestly I'd have lost it at that point too.

I actually don't think it's a terrible thing to occasionally get really cross. Waking you up to shout again about football boots was really naughty, autism or no autism. It's good that your DH backed you up by telling her off as well. As others have said - she got a bollocking and she'll survive.

I think this is a good idea as the OP said her DD is doing jobs without being asked and then demanding money for them.

I do feel for you OP being in a situation where it is very difficult to find help. I worked in primary schools in deprived areas and there seemed to be a lot of help available for parents and children - subsidised clubs, support groups, direction to external providers etc. There was nothing like that at my kids’ nice middle class school. You can feel very isolated because you have enough to put on a surface show but underneath you are drowning.

I think it can be. Mine is the same, addicted to the novelty of new things. As soon as he gets them
they are nested away and forgotten. I’m trying to manage it better now - introducing pocket money, he can have one thing once a week. Also trying to let go of using stuff to keep him regulated as it never ends. It’s sometimes better to just have the meltdown and try to use other methods for regulation.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her

WTF you are abusive.

Have you thought about going cold turkey for a week or month, absolutely no purchases apart from food? Just thought. Just want to say obviously you what you did wasn’t great but it’s done, you are human after all and clearly had enough. Strive to work for a solution. Anyone who judges you on here, just remember they lose thier temper just like everybody else.

If the daughter tells the school this is going on its going to be quite rightly raised as a safeguarding concern.

Assuming all of this is factual the daughter will more than likely end up in foster care if this carries on.

Solidarity OP I have 2 ND teenagers and I recognise a lot of what you're saying. Have you tried contacting National Austic Society or found any parent support groups locally?

I recognise the dopamine seeking behaviour and constant desire to be bought stuff. In my child's case it's mainly supermarkets. I cannot afford her constant need for 'stuff'. E.g specific snack foods etc.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Sincerely, a social worker.

No that’s ridiculous.

How can you teach good behaviour if you’re modelling bad behaviour.

So you’ll tell her that she can’t do it but you’ll be doing the same thing - how confusing for her.

Our kids learn how to behave from us.
We need to firstly model appropriate behaviour and then reinforce it by teaching it.

Assuming all of this is factual the daughter will more than likely end up in foster care if this carries on.

Sorry but this is utter bollocks. Like social care have the resources to be removing children who got yelled at once for being a pain in the bum.

You don’t think that being dragged out of bed and being screamed at is a safeguarding issue?

Do you think that would be acceptable for a man to do that to his wife?

JFC- the number of judging posts in here- for many of you, unless and until you have the limitless never ending distress that comes with managing an autistic child, really are in no position to make some of these comments. It’s a full time job regulating yourself and trying to teach your child coping mechanisms, resilience, and advocating endlessly for your child, exhausting doesn’t really begin to cover it. It’s constant grief and despair that they will ever have anything approaching normality and independence. There is no end In Sight. Challenging behaviour can be managed with good support but there really isn’t teams of people out there wanting to throw resources at parents, even the basics have to be fought for tooth and nail. OP- yes- you lost your shit, it wasn’t your finest moment, but every parent at some point will feel something similar. You learn from it and try not to ruminate endlessly if you can avoid it, but you definitely need some plan in place. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this level of stress, you’re not a terrible parent, you’re just having a terrible time, I know it’s never ending. Copilot for starting to find a way, be kind to yourself, best of luck.

She said if it carries on - you can’t get physical with your kids and be immune to consequences because you’re tired.

If this behaviour continues then of course the consequences could escalate.

I'm sorry but that's not the case. I was brought up in a home where I was never hit by my mum. It's actually illegal in parts of the UK to put your hands on your child.

Losing your temper doesn't justify dragging a child out of bed. Screaming in their face. Shoving them out a door. This kid is a minor and she clearly has additional needs - that's clear - don't justify abuse of an 11 year old kid by saying you are only human and you had had enough

How do you think this kid feels about being screamed at and man handled.

As I said in my other posts - they need to ask for support - before they end up losing their child or having her put on the child protection register because if that kid goes into school and says she's being shouted and screamed at and shoved around - the school are going to have to involve other agencies.

Please don't do this OP. She will not relate the two things together.

I agree that you need to put some boundaries in place. I think getting her to write down what she wants and then discussing it once a week/2 weeks/month is a good way to go. You could also undertake an activity to help her understand the difference between want and need by dividing up the items into the two categories and discussing why each item falls into that area, and maybe even have a monthly budget so she understands that she cannot have everything that she wants. You could also put a boundary in place that she is not able to walk into your bedroom without being expressly invited. Perhaps a visual sign on the door indicating whether she is allowed in or not. This might give you some physical space too when you are finding the behaviour overwhelming. I would make it clear to her that also means no communicating through the door.

This sounds bloody difficult though. I am not surprised that you snapped at all. Have you spoken to school about it at all? I wonder if there is a compulsive element to it. Is she masking a lot at school?

Many of us responding to the OP have brought up multiple ND children and are very familiar with the challenges and frustrations. There’s plenty of supportive and practical advice here, but of course people are also saying that the OP’s behaviour crossed the line into abuse and can’t happen again. Physically dragging a child out of bed and screaming at them is not acceptable, and it wouldn’t be remotely helpful to pretend otherwise.

There is a tendency on these threads for some posters to attempt to comfort the OP by minimising the situation and claiming that it’s just “getting cross”, “we’ve all done it” - that is simply not the case, and OP knows that or she wouldn’t have posted.

The child didn't just get yelled at. Go and read the post where the OP talks about shoving the child out of the front door. If you think a child being abused is "utter bollocks" then I don't know what to say to you. Read the OPs posts - she talks like she hates her child. Over and over.

I appreciate that she's at the end of her tether but look at the tone of the posts. I hate her. I'm sick of her

Dragged her out of bed - I expect that means that the child was physically dragged out of her bed. Do you think that's acceptable?

Let's see what would happen if an 11 year old child went into school and said my mum screamed at me on Saturday night - dragged me out of my bed -and it's not the first time she's laid her hands on me - she shoved me out of the front door a few months ago

The reason that schools and other agencies need to take this stuff seriously - is incase it escalates into something worse. Go read some other threads on these boards. There have been families put on child protection orders for much less.

Thank you. I know how I dealt with it wasn’t right.

this morning she’s kicking off big style because she won’t get dressed for a party. She’s hissed at my younger daughter she’s doing it so my daughter can’t give her a present she’s made her. Literally hissing.

i need help and so does she, but it’s just not there. My family keep their distance because of her behaviour impacts every event, visit or interaction.