I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

This is good advice. My best friends dd has ADHD (and possibly, but undiagnosed Autism) and is an "asker".

It's always, "When are we doing X?" Then as soon as you start doing X, within 5 minutes it's "When are we doing Y?"
It's not so much "things" she's requesting, but when is the next event? When she was younger, she was especially difficult to go on holiday with, because she just couldn't settle to anything. She'd ask and ask and ask to go swimming, but within 5 minutes of being in the pool, it would turn to "when are we going for lunch? When are we going for lunch? When are we going for lunch?"

She's a teenager now, and has some strategies of her own, that have come with maturity, but between the ages of about 7 and 11, she was very difficult.

She was much the same at school. Constant questions. And in the end, an Ed. Psych. recommended she have a notebook on her table, so that when a question occurred to her, that wasn't relevant to the lesson, she could write it down, and ask her teacher at break or lunch if it still mattered. That helped MASSIVELY. They started doing a timetable of the day at home, and that helped as well.

But basically, she grew out of it with time and maturity.

‘i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something’

This is worrying op. I appreciate that being woken startled you and you are at the end of your tether. But this isn’t ok. She is a disabled child who has hyper fixated on something. And whilst she needs to know that waking you in the middle of the night is out of line, you need to work on how to set a boundary and meet the need appropriately. Screaming at her and dragging her out of bed is abusive. Imagine if she’d told you another adult had done this - you’d be livid.

Your nervous system is overloaded too, I get that. But you’re the adult, so you learn the coping strategies, you ask for help, and you get on with it.

My house. My (other) daughter. My family.

pulling her out of bed and screaming at her.

shoving her outside.

honestly you really need help. She’s disabled. Would you drag her down the stairs if she couldn’t walk and scream at her to walk harder?

CAn you make things more visual for her? Have a sheet of paper on the fridge and list money she has earned and a section for her to write things down that she would like. Explain that if she wants something she must write it on the list and then pick a day when you will sit down with her and discuss those things. You look at how much money she has, why she wants/needs it and then sit with her while you order stuff and then clearly write the date of arrival on a calendar. Once that has been done if she asks about stuff you simply refer her to her visual reminders and don't get into any discussion. I imagine it won't be an instant success, but will eventually become a habit that might take away some of the endless pestering.

My 7yo does this when they’re feeling anxious. It’s like they just fixate on one thing thinking it will solve their problems.

I take it as that they’re seeking reassurance that something will happen so now, whenever I say we’re doing something, etc, I make sure I do it.

I do just tell them to add it to their birthday/Christmas list too which works if they’re not super anxious but has lead to them just focussing on how many days until their birthday.

It is really hard…mine is in therapy for anxiety which really helped.

And so what if it does remain a memory for her 🤷‍♀️
ASD or not (I have immediate family with autism) she overstepped the mark and needs firm boundaries in place. I'm not saying you are allowing it by any means, but so many people use it as an excuse for poor behaviour. She had to learn to integrate into society such as friendship groups, school, clubs, work etc and they will not tolerate that kind of behaviour. It is your job as a parent to help her and the occasional bollocking will not do her any harm!
You're only human, give yourself a break

And so what if it does remain a memory for her 🤷‍♀️
ASD or not (I have immediate family with autism) she overstepped the mark and needs firm boundaries in place. I'm not saying you are allowing it by any means, but so many people use it as an excuse for poor behaviour. She had to learn to integrate into society such as friendship groups, school, clubs, work etc and they will not tolerate that kind of behaviour. It is your job as a parent to help her and the occasional bollocking will not do her any harm!
You're only human, give yourself a break

Loving all the suggestions saying ‘ask for help’ !

Have you not read the OP’s posts where she has clearly stated she has asked and there is no help?

How relentlessly stressful for you.

I would try never buying her anything except for birthday and Christmas.
Remind her to write the item on her Christmas list every time and say that she might be lucky to get some of her ideas from Santa.

Teach DD some crafts that are not irritating when she is really involved with them. Teach her to Knitting Nancy and then to sew them together into mats. Teach her to crochet and make tank tops for as many people as she wants .. or to knit a scarf as long as she can etc..

Pay her in coins for chores and have her save her pocket money for items that she wants before her birthday etc.
If DD repeatedly begs or wakes people up or is inconsiderate of other people she is to have a coin taken out ofher pocket money jar, every time. Make the rewards, and the punishments, very visual and immediate.

Fellow mum to an ASD DD here - firstly, sending a massive hug. 18 months ago things were BAD here. Stuff that helped - 3 x sessions occupational therapy (we got via LA, had to wait but I’d pay for if could), understanding heavy work activities/games to help her regulate has been life changing,alongside understanding how much have to destress/regulate when things appear calm. Did the £89 online Parenting Matters course - got lucky and had funded child psychologist sessions to go with, but even course alone helped me build a better connection and crucially set boundaries (I’d be inconsistent/presumed ASD meant some stuff ‘couldn’t be helped’ that actually was bad behaviour that needed addressing). Boundary setting will mean some mega tantrums/meltdowns/screaming - can get worse before it gets better - but I was shocked how quickly she ‘got it’ and understood I was serious. Had to be so consistent though! Writing stuff down for her - research Carol Gray social stories then prompt chat gpt to ‘write a social story in style of carol gray for DD about xyz’ which then edit and print for her - again, these are game changing in helping her understand what she can expect. Hadn’t realised how much she’d nod and say yes but not actually have processed the info: writing it down helps. Autistic girls network for info and resources. Read everything you can to understand how challenging life is for her - Emily Katy’s book helped me and DH be so much more compassionate. Understanding that she’s not giving you a hard time, she’s having a really hard time, can be transformational (though hard to remember in stressful times). Draw up list of her good points, strengths, lovely bits. Prioritise decompression times for you and DH, even taking turns for an hour away at a time; this life is tough, but more you can think of it as you as a family team against a world built for NT ppl, instead of you against her, the more it’ll help. Read Explosive child book for co-creating solutions to problems. YOU’RE NOT ALONE AND IT CAN BE BETTER. Sending so much love and solidarity x

Wow great way to tell all of the women on here that it’s acceptable for their husbands to drag them out of bed and scream in their face if they ‘overstep’ the mark 🙄

Oh and I just want to add, to all the posters telling you how abusive you are as a parent can go do one! Until you've been in this situation, they have absolutely no idea how wearing it really is EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY!!! And to anyone who then pipes up and says yes I do I have a child with autism and I dont shout, well then good for you, parent of the year 🙄🙄
From your posts, it sounds as though your daughter does understand right from wrong btw, shes just use to pushing boundaries and she gets a reaction from you which is what she wants. I would just explain the plan, write it down for her to refer back to and the next time she asks, set a firm No and ignore any requests thereafter

I am diagnosed AuDHD and I was like this as a kid, brain always jumped to the next fixation. Honestly I fully understand why you lost it and I don't think her remembering this is the worst thing. My mum lost it with me a couple of times and it has done our relationship no harm in the long run, it's important fir children, including ND children to understand that they're actions impact others . Autism or not this is totally unacceptable behaviour. I find a worrying trend to be permissive of any behaviour from autustic kids. Autistic factors may underly some of the drivers behind a behaviour but that doesn't make the behaviour acceptable and austistic kids should be directed to acceptable ways to handle whatever it is going on to drive the behaviour but you can be firm on specific behaviour itself. You cannot discipline a child out of neurodiversity but you absolutely can use behavioural modifications on specific behaviours, I wish this was better understood.

I am Autistic and I have adhd. I have 2 now adult children with autism. One with the full suite of audhd and a pda profile.

I’ve been in that situation.

Ah right. So people can "do one". So it's ok to shove your 11 year old autistic kid out of a front door. It's ok to scream at them and call them horrible names and drag them out of bed?

Would you say the same if the child wasn't ND? Can you see how bad that looks?

Seriously. Parent of the year bollocks. Let's see what happens when the kid goes to school and tells them she's being shoved around and screamed at - while the dad watches on and does nothing

You say school are great but how? It sounds like she masks at school (possibly because she has to hold it all in and they don't allow her behaviours) and they haven't referred you for any support.
Early help is what you need.

Hi OP I have a 12 year old with autism. I get the relentlessness of parenting an autistic child. I don’t have much to offer but I’m wondering if you would be able to have her assessed for EHCP? It might be whilst she is managing better than before in a smaller class size etc in a private school, the EHCP might identify other areas where she needs support which is not currently being met?

The level of masking needed to survive school should not be underestimated and the anxiety of trying to fit in may well be driving the constant requests for reassurance and for material things to ‘fit in’. It might be that a very low demand environment might be helpful for a while to reduce her state of fight/flight.

Unfortunately there is no magic wand and there may be times that you meltdown and have moments that you’re not proud of. Have you applied for DLA, that could potentially pay for things like counselling for you or her?

Sending a hug to you

OP had clearly stated she’s asked for support time and time again. It’s not there!
And I believe her when she says this. My youngest DS (18) has ADHD and has had me at the end of my rope since he was about 5. I’ve been a punchbag for him (not in recent years) he’s slapped me, spat at me, pulled my hair, trashed my house, called me horrendous names. He used to wake me up at stupid o’clock regularly to tell me things.
its exhausting. I won’t lie. I’ve snapped a few times, I’m only bloody human.
Ive begged for help for years and got none.
He was arrested recently and went to court. Probation services have been fantastic. He and I have both been getting support. But fuck me, is that what it takes, him doing something stupid, being arrested, ending up in court and having a criminal record before someone listens!!?

I shout, I think that’s fairly normal but not ideal.

Dragging out of bed, screaming (not shouting) in her face, and then on a separate occasion shoving her out of the house. This is not just shouting at them to stop asking or be quiet, get shoes on etc.

There is a difference

Yes. Very much. My son lives to accumulate. He’s been like it since very young.

I’m kind, I’m gentle, but I’m firm and I brook no tolerance for the bollocks. We have a broadly very calm relationships because all have firm boundaries.

Have you contacted Autisme awareness or support groups? They will be able to help you understand how an austistic brain works (you clearly don’t understand this) and be able to help you with strategies to help both you and her. Please, you need to be more pro-active in getting help for you as parents and for her. Ffs, what did you say when the GP just gave you a leaflet?

@imsoverytired82 have you applied for DLA? I don’t know but I think it’s none means tested and if awarded it could be used to pay for therapy and potentially for someone to maybe spend time with her so you can get some respite with your husband.

How supportive is her father?

Does he leave it all to you?

Hi op
When I ws having Google about wanting stuff and autism. Pda seemed to pop up quite a bit. Might be worth doing a bit of research and see if she matches a pda profile as they need a totally different parenting approach thats opposite to usual parenting styles.

Theres a lady who pops up on my fb all the time called 'at peace parents' she seems very good at talking about different situations with her pda child

Contact some autism charities. Many have parent support groups