I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

I have experience of this with my SEN daughter. I find some of it is anxiety driven. Visual reminders can be reassuring and comforting. There is also a 'dopamine hit' reward from obtaining 'stuff' - to the point where it can have nothing to do with the possessions so much as the obsessive focusing on it and then the very temporary reward feeling of having obtained that item. Then it is on to the next obsession.

So perhaps worth a try - a little whiteboard specifically for her and you. Put it in a prominent location and then write down the things she's bothered by that you need to remember. E g. World book day costume, world book day hair - and how she wants you to do it - and then ?football boots. Every time she starts off again - redirect to the board. "Yes, I know. It's on your important stuff to remember board."

Something like the football boots - I'd want an agreement re: how many sessions she'd attend before I consider buying them, and given her obsession with 'stuff' I would want a contribution from her pocket money. I would also look on Vinted for new/new without tags as you can often get things like that a lot cheaper that way.

Anything else, she needs to save for or wait for birthday and Christmas. Perhaps you can help her set up a separate visual tracker in a notebook. If you look at bullet journals, you will see lots of ways people track all sorts of things. For some people, the satisfaction of tracking the things that are important to them is rewarding and meets a need.

The team that diagnosed her, wherever that was, did they give you any contact numbers or links to organisations or resources that can provide advice or support?

This!!! Thank you so much.

I didn’t behave well last night but I feel not alone.

@imsoverytired82 I'm Autistic with an Autistic dc too. You know yourself that the situation was not ideal so try to focus on moving forward and finding ways to cope for you both

It sounds like you are both (unsurprisingly) getting very overwhelmed, and your daughter then has dopamine seeking behaviour added in on top of that. Like some others have said already, she probably needs clearly defined rules put in place regarding stuff being bought, whether they are based on cost or frequency. And some rules around asking for stuff. Most importantly, once rules have been made, they need be to followed!

I really recommend finding a way for her (and you!) to decompress when she needs to, preferably something physical whether it's an exercise bike/rowing machine/punching bag, or an exercise ball that she can sit and bounce on, or balance board. It really really helps with overwhelm

"The autistic thing" is rumination and perseveration. "Stuff" just happend to be the sticking point.
But it could also be behavioural and not linked to autism diagnosis at all. Does she always get what she wants? Is she more likely to get it when she asks repeatedly? Have firm boundaries been established? Has she been told "no"?

My nd kids ask the same question over and over again. I read somewhere that it could be something to do with the predictability of the response when they’re feeling that everything is unpredictable. Needing the reassurance. It’s so easy to underestimate how much support ‘high functioning’ or high masking girls need with their autism. Things like visual timetables might seem unnecessary but they still help with this end of the spectrum. Could be worth finding the time and strength from somewhere to put some simple bits in place.

My kids don’t leave us alone at all, they need 1:1 support almost any time they’re awake (and my eldest barely sleeps). It’s often because they feel dysregulated and need to be near us to regulate them. It seems like they’re attention seeking but it’s more than that. They’re borrowing our nervous systems to co-regulate which is hard when you’re struggling to regulate yourself. My kids also pick up on the slightest ‘vibe’ of stress or worry and it panics them. My son in particular will try and dysregulate everyone else when he feels dysregulated, seems to be almost as a way to get everyone on the same level as him, a sort of co-regulation attempt? Or maybe he’s just trying to push our boundaries or get a dopamine hit from being told off?! I haven’t fully worked it all out myself yet.

The requests for you to tidy could signal that it’s making her feel overwhelmed/out of sorts as the room looks different or things aren’t ‘just so’. I’m not saying you have to always cater to this but understanding where it comes from will help you all. The request for you to buy things could be making sure you are listening to her and are able to meet her needs etc. She may have a strong sense of justice so when you ‘owe her’ money she’s earned, She may be carrying worry around that it hasn’t been paid yet. Also my eldest panics that it will be forgotten and often struggles to move on from something until it feels ‘complete’; does your daughter feel that not having been paid for a job means it’s not ‘done’? I know some of her behaviours can’t be allowed to continue unchecked but sounds like you’re exhausted and empathy is hard to find when you’re feeling like this so just trying to draw attention to these things for you.

It sounds like she may also be worrying about world book day - dress up days are a nightmare in our house. Give her a picture of the outfit and the hair she’s chosen or do a dry run one evening and take a photo that she can look at. She may not have the executive function to work out what that morning will look like (and is worried as it’s a change to routine) so explaining that to her will help. Also asking school to explain to her ahead of time what will be different in school on that day could help.

It sounds like the constant need for stuff could also be dopamine seeking, is she also adhd? Does she also have a poor memory, at least working memory or short term memory? My youngest does and asks things constantly due to genuinely having forgotten the answer I think. Maddening though!

My eldest also regularly refuses to leave the house and it’s so hard. She is so overloaded all the time (socially, sensory, demands, etc) that she just needs to splodge at the weekends but it has a huge effect on the whole family.

ND parenting is very tough. You’re overwhelmed and that’s ok. The most important thing is that you repair the relationship with a discussion today. Can you also book a day off with your husband while the kids are in school? That’s the only way we ever get any time together.

Hope you have a better day today.

This is something else other than autism.

No advise but this is also my autistic daughter. She is exactly the same, your post is describing her to a tee! I feel you!

Hi OP, not read all comments but just wanted to say my son is 16 and is exactly the same and had been since similar age to your daughter. He is diagnosed with autism.
He goes through phases of interests and demands and wants something there and then. He has birthday and Christmas money but doesn't like spending it or if he does he only wants to spend a round figure ending in a 0 or 5 as can't cope with his balance being like £122 foe example!
I only Friday bought him couple items and then I accidentally used his card for £2 in the shop and he is constantly going on I owe him etc.
No advice and afraid it gets harder as they get older. You just have to keep going xx

Forgot to say he is the same and cannot be on his own at all. As soon as he wakes up he is wants me up at same time and literally dragging me out of bed. Week days are ok as we are up for school but weekends are hard as I want to sleep and he is waking me up by 7.30am. He also can't go to bed on his own and I end up having to wait until til he is ready as he won't go until 10.20pm at the earliest and I usually ready by 9pm! He has strong anxiety and attachment issues and its hard very hard. I struggle but have to cope

My child is like this about computer games, always wanting new ones. I've had some luck explaining that I can't afford them all at full price so we need to put them on a list and wait for a Steam sale date, and that also I expect to see the previous purchases being used before entertaining buying anything new. I've also explained that it's wasteful buying everything straight away as we can potentially get twice as many games or get them for half the price if we wait for the sale, and using a wishlist that I can point to for reassurance to say I haven't forgotten about the desired games.

I also tell my child they won't get what they want at all if they ask in disrespectful ways like shouting, and otherwise point them to the list.

If they are extremely and unusually insistent about wanting something quickly, I then ask them if they want to spend their own money, or wait, and I point out again that on sale the game has previously cost X amount less so I will not be contributing more than that.

Delaying, logic and a list to refer to seems to generally be a good set of tactics for us to reduce the nagging.

Good luck, I know how relentless and distressing it can be to cope with!

I have had this with my DD who I believe to be ND (not diagnosed). I really sympathise as it feels like bullying from the child. Whatever you do, whatever you spend isn't enough and I definitely lost it at times. It was at its worst at 11/12. We gave her an allowance at 13 to include everything except a twice a year trip for clothes. Everything else had to come out of (fairly generous) allowance. Overall it's worked very well. Now she's a bit older she is pretty savvy with money and needs it anyway for going out with friends etc. Havent had the demands for a long time. I think it's also broken the dopamine hit she used to get when we would crack and buy whatever it was for her. It definiteky used to be worse when she was tired and anxious - a way to regulate her mood.

I’m not surprised you lost your shit, i think
most people would be at the end of their
tether from what you’ve described.

I honestly think that you need to stop buying her anything at all for an extended period of time.

Sit her down, tell her that moving forward she will not get anything unless you, the adult, decides that she needs it. Put clear conditions and clear consequences in place e.g if you ask for X and I say no and you continue to ask your consequence will be X. If you damage XYZ then your consequence will be X for X amount of time. Break the want cycle and make her realise that constant nagging for stuff isn’t going to get her what she wants.

with the chores maybe give a very clear checklist I.e if her job is to tidy her room, break that down (or chat gpt will do it for you) into very clear small steps like - put your books on the bookshelf, hang your clothes up in the wardrobe on hangars etc so she knows exactly what a tidy room should look like. Also add a photo for a visual reference. Then when she demands the money you can go through the checklist and point out well you haven’t done this step so no I won’t pay you yet.

Autistic children need very clear routines and boundaries, they need to know exactly what is going to happen, so put those clear expectations into place and do not give in. It’ll be really hard at first but if you stick with it eventually it’ll sink in.

No. Bear in mind it’s possible to be both autistic and a brat.

So you have assaulted your autistic child?

if your husband done this to you what would you do and how would you feel?

I haven't read the thread so I apooogise if this has been suggested already but have your tried Early Help in your area? They can be brilliant with support and putting strategies in place.

I would suggest try decoupling the pocket money from completing a task if she isn’t getting the concept. But then saying anything above x, y and z (your criteria) she has to save up and buy herself with you getting the core things.

Would it help to sit her down and talk to her about budgets? Do you have a household budget? I have a basic spreadsheet, maybe to help her understand that money is not is finite and everyone has to budget. Then maybe help her create her own, so an amount per month for clothing and then an amount for treats etc. and when it's gone it's gone, and maybe she could write a list and work out how long it will take to save up for each item. Totally understand though sometimes they drive you to the edge, im at a similar point with my DS 11 with screen time at the moment!

Tbh, I wouldn't worry about this. Autism or not, kids need to know that you are human and you can only be pushed so far. Was it ideal? No. Is it likely to do any lasting damage? Also no.

Sympathies OP.
Some good advice on this thread. I think reframing it as dopamine/sensory seeking is helpful.
Plus effective redirection.
I've not had this with my DD (she's quite opposite to this with stuff and hates spending money) but as a child could be incredibly persistent about wanting to involve me with her current hyperfocus. Sometimes I could do this but occasionally she was fixated on something that drove me a bit crazy. Such as Minecraft...
I would put on a firm boundary - I would give her 30 minutes of my undivided and engaged attention but after that we had to talk about something else.
She's older now and admits this tactic was absolutely infuriating for her and she would rage internally at the limit but it did help to teach her a little bit that other people have feelings as well.
DD also experiences OCD and fluctuating anxiety and has learned that seeking reassurance - whilst there's an immensely strong urge - only provides short term relief. She does seek support and reassurance, but can mostly recognise when that is slipping into an OCD like behaviour.
At 11 your DD has a lot to learn and understand about her ASD. She's also probably less emotionally mature than her peers. I reckon my DD has consistently lagged by a couple of years on this and only now in her late teens is at the same place in terms of maturity as her friends.
You have to help your DD navigate the world - challenging as a ND parent yourself, but equally you understand the challenges more than most people.

My autistic son is like this. Does she have ‘collections?’ I think that it’s a kind of hoarding thing, my son is mad on Lego and will row all the figures up in lines on the base plates. He has settled down with the buying stuff, however can’t cope with the anticipation of waiting for something to arrive when it’s been ordered and badgers us over when it will turn up. The constant need to acquire is definitely an autistic almost obsessive compulsive trait.

In terms of support if you haven't already then contact your local NHS autism assessment service, tell them your daughter has a private diagnosis and ask to access their post diagnostic support offer. What this will be (and how helpful) varies hugely from area to area but there will be something. You can also join a local parent carer group to find out what is going on with charities and third sector organisations.

Some people use card system for autistic kids around their special interests. I think it's too mean to use for special interests but potentially could work here?

You basically give them a number of cards at the beginning of the day (3 can work well). Then every time she asks you for something like this, you listen and engage with her but you take a card. Once she's out of cards she's not able to talk about it until the next day's 3 cards / you refuse to engage.

I agree you're only human and it can be extremely difficult (and de-humanising) to be on the receiving end of this.

OP I think unless people have an autistic child themselves they have no idea how mentally and physically exhausting it is parenting them. They also dont realise most people with autistic kids dont have a village or even another person to help because nobody wants to help when the child is difficult.

First of all stop beating yourself up. You lost it because your human and she pushed you beyond what you are capable of dealing with. Secondly your behaviour was unacceptable so apologise to dd but make it clear her behaviour is unacceptable and you are exhausted and cannot cope with it anymore. She is 11 not 1 and she needs to start her learning behaviour has consequences and reactions. Tell her clearly enough is enough and the next time she does it you will ensure she doesn't get what she wants. Although part of this behaviour will be her autism part of it is learned so that needs to change.

You are not alone OP. So much of what you and others have said mirrors my own experience. Try to forgive yourself for losing it. I know I lost it on a couple of occasions with my DD when she was displaying exactly these behaviours. No one should judge who hasn’t experienced the extreme stress of it.

I do wonder if ASD & ADHD conditions are being exacerbated by social media and screen time generally. The harm to children generally is only just beginning to be recognised and their brains may be particularly vulnerable.