I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

You are entitled safe space and rest. What locks do you have on your bathroom and bedroom? Sounds like she responded better to DH.

If she understands how to earn pocket money, you can do same for her “wants”. Search “marble jar” on mn for ideas. The shopping is about instant gratification as is the inappropriate shouting at night, she needs help to learn how to suppress that impulse. Do you have any NAS groups locally?

Yes and no.

My DS is 10 and autistic. He has no sense of waiting still so when he wants something it is NOW!

This means that boundaries have time be VERY clear. If he had moaned about a world book day costume I would have sent it back. If he had woken me at almost midnight to demand football boots he would have lost his tablet for a week as that is not appropriate time to ask and he should be sleeping.

You need to make the boundaries much clearer to her along with consequences for pushing boundaries.

You need to forgive yourself for the yelling.... sometimes people who have autism are only able to see their needs and wants and are unable to process the impact they have on others, they cant help it but it is extremly difficult for those around them and you sound at breaking point!
I would be contacting the social work again and explain our in crisis and you need help, be very detailed about how you cannot cope any longer!!
Also try looking for charities or family run support groups in your area. They maybe able to offer some aid or support.

We tested for adhd and apparently not

She’s abused her autistic child and you’re condoning it? She needs anger management classes and no doubt her daughter will tell school what happened so she can also expect contact from Social Services!

The only human line seems to be getting trotted out a lot on this thread. An 11 year old ND kid is being verbally abused and man handled and it's ok. Only human

Since when is it OK to do this to minors? It's really odd because on some other threads on here -people make a huge deal about safeguarding. Keep your kids safe. Don't let people you don't trust into your own home

But when it's the parent shouting and screaming and shoving it's ok? Ok because the child is ND?

The child needs support. They all do. But this isn't the way to deal with it

And it's not the first time the OP has done this to the kid. The dad's response was to tell the child off! After she had been dragged out of her bed and screamed at.

Yes it can be partially age. I would imagine autism can exacerbate elements of it. The incessant requests for 'stuff' is exactly why we teach children about money, pocket money, budgeting etc. So it can be age and is probably a combination in your case.

You sound exhausted and I hope you and your husband can find a way through to take the load off each other.

@imsoverytired82 do you claim DLA for her? It's based on need rather than diagnosis so you may not qualify, but that money could go towards private therapy.

My daughter is older but I totally hear you on the lack of support. There's so much need that the thresholds are high - unless your child is at crisis point, no-one wants to know and even then they only help until the crisis has passed, so short term.

I know you feel bad for what happened. But apology without change is just paying lip service to something you think you should do.

I can’t stress strongly enough how much sorting your own issues out will help.

I do also think that if this had been the op’s husband who had dragged the daughter from her bed and screamed in her face everyone on here would be telling the op to LTB.

I think this is very good advice. Also if her empathy levels are that low the odd boll*cking probably does her good. Don't be too hard on yourself you're only human

It sounds awful, OP, and I am truly sympathetic, but I have to ask: when she nags on and on and on, do you eventually give in to get some peace? If so, she has learned that she will get what she wants if she nags for long enough. If she has the capacity to understand that she can’t afford things from her pocket money, she has the capacity to understand that you sometimes can’t afford things - and that people cannot have everything they want even if it’s not a question of money.

You need a reset. If she asks and you say no, that has to be the end of it. Ignore any nagging or remove yourself from the room.

Don't be too hard on yourself. She needs to learn that other people have feelings and boundaries.

Surely time to start saying no and for her to realise (autistic or not) that we can’t always have everything we want in life.

It sounds incredibly hard. I have a relative with autism (though no experience of raising a child with autism - that must be even harder) and I know how difficult and lonely it can feel when it appears that they simply do not care about you or your feelings, as long as everything works out in the way that feels best for them. (I know many people with autism are not like this at all, but it's my experience, and OP's daughter sounds similar).

However, whilst I think the shouting is probably forgivable as long as it doesn't happen often, laying hands on her to physically drag her can never happen again (unless she is about to hurt herself or others).

Can you speak to your partner about how best to support each other when either of you is feeling at the end of the line with her?

Are there any other family members who could give you a break - a grandparent or aunt or uncle who could have her over night for example when you feel really overwhelmed?

Believe me, you really have my sympathy. I don't know how you find the strength to keep going in the situation you describe.....

You had a big meltdown. It's horrible. You weren't in full control. That's the whole thing about a meltdown. You became overloaded and malfunctioned!

That doesn't make it all fine, but actually I think you have been dealing with a really challenging thing. It's triggered a lot of feelings of being used and exploited and disrespected and now not even allowed to rest or sleep.

In my house we are all neurodivergent and it's a lot. I have had many parenting moments I am not proud of and have had to forgive myself for. Especially from when I was undiagnosed and didn't have the tools or understanding of triggers.

I think that your daughter needs some help to learn how to enjoy free activities. New things is such a dopamine hit and it sounds like she's looking for that feeling, but it's not satisfying for long enough. She's not mature enough to understand that asking for things from you all the time , her provider, is actually making you feel shit.
She just 'needs' the thing and you're the only way of getting it.
She needs to practice delayed gratification and find at least one activity that doesn't need a spending spree.
Activities that still mean she gets something to bring home might be nice. Shell or fossil collecting, or visit to the library.
Def put boundaries on how much into an activity she would need to be or how many sessions, before getting any equipment for it, or a limit on costs.

Spot the person who has no experience dealing with autistic children...

Don't judge unless you've walked in the same shoes, and then you would be able to show empathy with the OP.

Dealing with autistic children can be exasperating even for the most patient person.

If that spot the person comment who has no experience dealing with autistic children was aimed at me - wrong. It's wise not to assume. But that's mumsnet for you isn't it?

I worked with young people for decades - including young people who were ND, people who had addictions and serious mental health issues.

That is no excuse for abusing your child. OP could have walked out of the house, there was another adult there. Instead she dragged her child out of bed. Dragged her! Screamed at her. Shouted in her face. Said terrible things. Throws her out of the house. Are people reading the same thing that I am.

Seems not by the looks of it.

The OPs daughter is more vulnerable due to being autistic. I'm sure there are parents who think it's ok that a parent does hit or man handle a child but this child is vulnerable - look at the previous posts - the OP talks like she can't stand her.

It is not OK to drag a child out of bed. It is not OK to scream at them. It's not OK to shove them outside - and it's not OK to blame what happened on work stress either.

And the OP says it's not the first time. So if it happens another time I hope they are prepared that the child might tell friends or a teacher what's gone on at home

Go look at the first post. There wasn't a hint of I'm sorry I did that - it was I'm sick of her.

The boundary needs to be - that some stuff she can save up for herself.
can I x? - you may save up for it and buy it yourself if you really want it.

Bear in mind the OP is also autistic, and I think she dragged the daughter of of her bed where she'd been woken up, not out of the daughter's bed.

Not saying it's ideal what happened, but OP sounds desperate here, I'm not sure what berating her is going to achieve.

I have a 7 year old with autism/PDA profile/ADHD.

He self harms, threatens suicide, hurts us, screams, has frequent meltdowns, constantly demands attention, and does often wake us. He’s an anxious child suffering with neurological overwhelm so we, as the adults, do our best to help him navigate this. I am also autistic with ADHD, DH is likely undiagnosed neurodivergent.

I DO NOT condone abusing a child in ANY circumstances. Having similar challenges to your child should make you more empathetic, not make it ok to abuse them.

Again, no excuse for abusing a child. Why is OP allowed to be violent because of autism but her DD is not?

I think OP needs a wake up call, not tea and sympathy. Or perhaps both but she simply cannot brush this under the carpet. She's crossed a line. In fact it sounds like she crossed the line a long time ago.

Op doesn't talk about any strategies or support groups. If she came here looking for that I would applaud her.

I think she sounds absolutely at the end of her rope, I honestly don't see what's to be gained in making her feel worse. A bit of support so that she copes better would help both her and her daughter.