I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

[imsoverytired82]

I’ve just completely lost it with my 11 year old daughter

I’ve been so stressed this week. I’ve got issues at work and I haven’t slept

my daughter has been nagging all week about her world book day outfit. She’s asked so many times despite me telling her I’d ordered it. It arrived today and she’s still asking for more for it even though I’d said to her I can’t afford any more. Now she’s onto football boots (she’s had 1 session) and keeps asking. She is autistic so deep down I know she can’t help it. once she gets what she wants she’s onto the next thing.

its 11 and I finally got into bed and went into a deep sleep.My first in ages. She’s shouting my name lying in bed saying I need to take her to buy boots.

i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something.

im so sick because she doesn’t care about anything other than ‘getting’.

Yes.

@imsoverytired82
Capa First Response
Aspens
National Autistic Society
Banardos
School Nurses
The Explosive Child (book)
Local disability charities/ peer groups/ respite/ support groups

What are you accessing currently?

When you say “we” who are you referring to?

And was it before or after her autism diagnosis?

The problem with autism and ADHD is that often they pull in opposite directions so one can end up masking the other.

It’s particularly a problem for girls who have the inattentive or mixed type because the questions are based on typical male presentation, especially those with the hyperactive type.

Both my DC are autistic. DD was supposedly screened for ADHD too and I can remember the forms asking questions like “does your child get out of their chair when they’re supposed to be sat down?” Ridiculous. My DD is a strict obeyer of the rules and would dream of standing - but she was away with the fairies and not paying attention!

If your child is AuDHD it can be hard to tease out what’s going on, especially if one condition is particularly dominant.

Have you researched what ADHD looks like in girls and how AuDHD can present? It shouldn’t have to be the case but very often the parents need to go to the professionals with their evidence, you can’t rely on them picking things up.

It’s so important that you get a handle on things now - for the sake of everyone in your household.

My ASD dd is the same. She’s added in far flung exotic paces to her regular list of requests. It’s constant. And as soon as she has whatever the thing is she’s onto the next thing. Exhausting

I understand this. You need to set boundaries, certain times of the day where questions are okay, distraction is key too.
Using no darling I’m not buying football boots but we can go to the park/art/movie tomorrow.
Reading choice theory helps too.

I get it OP, I really do. Others will probably disagree, but at this point you need to prioritize yourself and think about what would work for you and how do you keep yourself going, rather than focusing solely on your daughter. Which may mean you get a break from her and she needs to wait for shoes. Or get a second hand ones. Or have a month without buying more stuff altogether.

She's autistic so likely struggling to see things from your perspective and empathise, but it does not mean having to say yes to all her demands. She will have to find out eventually others have their limits.

Aside from everything else (YANBU), can you buy some second hand boots on eBay or Vinted? Might save you a few quid.

Yes I will do Vinted.

Oh behave.
The OP has said she's sorry it happened.
She's only human FGS and is autistic herself.
She had a meltdown as a response to her daughter waking her up from a deep sleep, after a very trying day.

Have a word with yourself and show a bit of compassion.

What concerns me is that OP’s posts today are full of more vitriol towards her child. She seems to want to persuade us all what a terrible child her DD really is.

I’m hoping she is just venting and things are better in real life because OP seems full of resentment towards her DD. She just doesn’t seem to have any compassion at all.

The focus needs to be on getting help, making changes, and developing strategies. Now, that may not be the kind of help OP would like where someone swoops in and rescues them all. But there are charities that can provide parenting courses (which she clearly needs) and other resources that can help her to figure out what’s going on with her DD and how to deal with it more effectively.

No one is going to magically make things better. It’s going to take work.

And before anyone comes for me about not understanding, I’m AuDHD myself and I have two autistic DC, one with very significant needs. I get how hard it is but I also know that you have to put the work in yourself.

I don't think it's ok, but it's not likely to even ping the radar of social services as a one off, let alone lead to foster care FFS

We is me and my husband.

she was assessed for both at the same time. We paid extra for it but she wasn diagnosed with it.

School nurses. They are great. She walks the school dog when she’s overwhelmed and she goes to the medical centre to their sensory room. She has Elsa and support from a metal heath nurse too

Why are you still considering buying them? Guilt tripped? She has pocket money she can put towards them but what about the next thing?

I'm sorry but social services don't have the expertise or resources to support families of ND children with challenging behaviour where the parents are not neglectful or abusive. What you need is specialist autism related support and that doesn't exist for free. Parents on benefits don't get it either if that makes you feel better. The idea that you're missing out on some avenue of support because you're financially secure is just false.

Oh stop it. This is a real arsehole response. OP is human, they are living in extremely difficult circumstances and what are you suggesting? She 'puts her daughter into care'? Even if such a thing were possible, how is that better for the child?

Why are you talking as if respite is an option? It's not.

Agree. I bloody love ChatGPT as a parenting coach. If I was allowed to, I'd recommend it to all parents that I work with as a social worker but it's too left field unfortunately.

Haven't trft so this may already have been mentioned but does she have generalised anxiety? It can go hand in hand with autism. I've seen it play out that hyperfixation on 'getting something' is a coping mechanism (focusing on 'getting' is the mind avoiding addressing the anxiety). Of course once the 'thing' is obtained the anxiety isn't resolved, so the hyperfixation just moves onto obsessing about getting the next 'thing'.

If she's 11 presumably she's just started secondary school this year? Or is taking SATs soon & starting to encounter preparations for the transition to secondary. That's a huge pressure point full of potentially anxiety inducing situations she's encountering for the first time.

A parent losing their control after years of relentless challenge from their child is not in any way the same as an abusive man abusing their adult partner. OP knows it was wrong, she's here asking for support, not to be berated.

The child is 11. She's not there to be screamed at and man handled like that.

The fact that the father did nothing except tell his child off is concerning

Who exactly is supporting this child when she's being dragged out of bed and screamed at?

But what are YOU accessing? For parenting/peer support?

I am categorically not opposed to any thing new. I’ll try anything. Didn’t I try a chart this morning and it got tore up?

I really feel for you, op. My dd is very challenging at times but not this severely.
You've had practical advice already of course. I think for us what has worked best, though not always perfectly, is predictability. So have a set amount of pocket money she gets. Don't link it to chores so it is completely predictable with no argument about whether she gets it. You and DH on exactly the same messaging. No extras outside that. I guess that doesn't work for school and clubs things but it may help a lot with other asks.
If she is seeking reassurance maybe you can find some other avenues like knitting, tea, exercise, yoga that she can turn to if she recognizes this urge for stuff.
In the How to talk so kids will listen.. book there's a bit about being asked for things where you express the wish, mirrored back, but don't actually buy it or even consider it. Like: yes DD those necklaces are so pretty, I wish we could buy them all, wouldn't it be nice to see 100 necklaces laid out and choose from them blah blah blah, but without any suggestions of maybe we will buy one.

Who exactly is supporting this child when she's being dragged out of bed and screamed at?

The child knows she stepped out of line and that her parents love her.
She behaved very badly and her mother suffered a temporary loss of control.

The child is fine.

There’s nothing available. I’ll read through the names mentioned but with the nhs and local council it’s a shrug. I did get a ‘choose your battles’ from the company that did the diagnosis and offer of £120ph family counselling. I don’t have this.