Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

This. It’s not her fault she is the only one you have to celebrate with. It sounds like you have neglected your friends.

I think you need to let go a little bit tbh. The intensity and neediness is coming across in your posts. I'm not surprised your daughter is pulling away. It is only natural as she is becoming independent and spreading her wings. You should be celebrating that!

Yes I will see my friend either before she goes or when she returns in time for her DS to return to school. And yes I have visited DD at uni a lot. One of the problems there is cost. I used to stay with her but someone( not sure who as she was a bit cagey about it) had suggested to my DD that staying in same room is ‘weird’ so now I have to book a hotel adding to the cost.
The poll and comments are showing a huge dichotomy. I’m still a bit confused as to how much people seem
to think one should rely and depend on friends and how little one should expect from family. I suspect this is generational and cultural. I really like and, of course, love my DD and would like to see her as she means a lot to me rather than spending time with casual friends who don’t mean that much.

I also suspect a lot of people spend birthdays with a partner and, if they didn’t have one, would be quite adrift too.

MIL (who is single) lives a distance from her adult DC. She has a good group of friends who she sees more than her DC. This transition did take time and there was some guilt heaped on her DC for having their own lives/partners/family which caused quite a bit of stress at the time. But things are calmer now and we do try and see her when we can and invite her to stay.

Our DC is at uni and has a partner, so we are beginning to accept that we are lower down on their priorities and are having to make our own lives independent of them without heaping guilt on them

Are you really confused or are you deliberately misinterpreting what people are trying to tell you because it means you'd have to address your own issues?

Nobody is saying you shouldn't want to see your DD on your birthday, but her presence shouldn't be the "be all and end all". You're 50 this summer, you should have a life that doesn't revolve around your 21 year old or your job. You should have hobbies, friends, maybe a love interest or two.

Your comments about "casual friends that don't mean that much" and "wanting to see your DD because she means a lot to me" are screaming "co dependent mother", and I suspect your DD is starting to see that too.

It's nothing to do with not having a partner.

OP you are still not getting it.

If you shared a room with them I assume she lives in a share house? If so, of course her roommates won’t want her mum rocking up and staying with them!

Your comment about wanting to spend time with her over friends is all about you. What you want not her. She wants to spend time with her new friends and boyfriend and make a new life in a different city.

For the record I have spent many birthdays without a partner

You need to give her space and let her launch as an independent adult OP.
I have a DC same age and have been taken aback at them not wanting to share certain experiences / events as we always used to. But they're now in their first serious relationship. I realise that i'm a step down in their priorities now - and that is fine. My job as parent is to allow them to launch and find their own way. They are not there to be my emotional crutch. It's made me focus on making sure i develop other friendships and relationships. If it means I see less of them for a period that is fine. Much rather that than have them visit through obligation, guilt, duty, resentment etc.

I’m still a bit confused as to how much people seem
to think one should rely and depend on friends and how little one should expect from family

At 21, when I was living in another city at uni, I was busy etc, always had a lot going on. I have friends now in their late 40s who would be much more available to see a friend who lives nearby for their birthday, than they would’ve been at 21 living three hours away.

I also suspect your DD blamed her friends for you not being able to stay over anymore, whereas in reality she was fed up of you staying but didn't know how to say it!

It may be as she was happy for me to do this last year but not recently. At the time her new boyfriend was working abroad and they were FaceTiming every night for hours so she would have wanted me to go back to my hotel so she could do this.
Some of the other girls in the house have had their mums to stay but not all. There is some bitchiness and making comments about each others’ lives and choices so it might be that.

Be fair OP, most students don't want their mums crashing at their houses - it was daft of you to do it in the first place, really.

And yes I have visited DD at uni a lot. One of the problems there is cost. I used to stay with her but someone( not sure who as she was a bit cagey about it) had suggested to my DD that staying in same room is ‘weird’ so now I have to book a hotel adding to the cost.
The poll and comments are showing a huge dichotomy. I’m still a bit confused as to how much people seem to think one should rely and depend on friends and how little one should expect from family. I suspect this is generational and cultural.

OP, I’m a similar age with a child also a long way away at uni. I am married so I take that point, but going up “a lot” and sleeping on her floor in halls or shared house will be pretty disruptive to her weekend studies or sports training etc. As she didn’t settle at her first uni, it is great that she seems more integrated at this one. Going up once a term, or her coming home once a term, feels about right (and will make a hotel more affordable as it’s then only a few nights a year)

OP, I really hope you take on board some of the suggestions to build and improve your own social supports outside of just your daughter. It’s not fair to put that expectation/ guilt on her to be your everything.

I agree that she probably didn’t want you to stay with her this time, but didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

It’s great that you have a good relationship with her, but she’s a young adult now and her priorities are changing.

You coukd use this as a catalyst to look at your emotional needs and where else they could be met - take up a hobby, join a group, travel, date etc.

One thing I'm starting to realise more as a parent is that your kids don't so much need you to give them what they want but for you to model a healthy, fulfilled and sustainable lifestyle.

Op this is brutal on you but how you handle this , will set the tone for your relationship going forward.

As other posters said these things are not always a priority for young people and she's just starting out her life.

As painful as it is I would just drop the ball on the bday and come to terms with doing something alone.

Spoil yourself ! Do somerhng complety out the box for yourself !
An adventure or new expensive food ,take yourself to an amazing restaurant where they will spoil you.

Don't mention plans to DD and if at some point she asks you or talk about it....sound genuinely happy and enthusiastic and don't mention her lack of care or interest .
Try and get through this without making her feel obliged or guilty. She will come back.
Ps my DD let me down a few years ago on a birthday and i was so upset. .
It felt so cruel.

I don’t think parents should ever stay over in halls/ uni houses as that is weird and uncomfortable for their flatmates. But I do feel for you @Lemonmeringue76i can see that you poured everything into raising your daughter but have neglected your own relationships during this time.

to a certain extent I think what your daughter is doing is natural, she is becoming an independent woman however I do also feel that she should be arranging to do something with you for your birthday. I think I would be honest and say that you would like to book something but you are flexible as to what and when and work with her to find something that suits you both.

I also think you need to take this as a sign of changing times and make some changes in your life so you are less dependent on your daughter. Start some new hobbies and make some new friends to begin a new chapter of your life.

I meant a lot over the whole 18 months she’s been there. I don’t go up that often per term. Last year I did do a few to watch comps and also went up for Mothers’ day then in June to move out of halls. Stayed in late summer when we went out to buy things for her new room and uni house. Other mums did that too but on different days. And then went up the weekend before her 21st as she had big party with friends on her actual birthday.

If I visit DC at uni I stay in a hotel. No way do I want to stay in uni digs and I can’t imagine any students want their or other people’s parents staying there

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday.

The thought crossed my mind that given what you said in your op, she could actually be planning something and is just trying to put you off the scent! Is that a possibility?

This thread is so sad to read.

You’ve basically had (and therefore modelled) a co-dependent relationship with your daughter, but seem confused as to why she is repeating this dynamic in her romantic relationships.

I don’t actually think you care that your daughter is incredibly reliant on her boyfriends, I think you are bothered that she is no longer incredibly reliant on you.

I feel really sorry for her and I hope she is able to overcome this kind of relationship dynamic as it is damaging, destructive and painful.

As for you, OP. You seem like such a selfish woman and mother.

All your posts are about you and what you want.

This isn’t really about your birthday - your daughter clearly doesn’t want to be enmeshed with you anymore, and you are going to need to deal with that.

OP - could you see this is the inspiration (in a positive way) to begin a new phase of life in which you build more adult friendships?

You are only 50 ! You have so much of your life left - I am around your age and moved a couple of years ago so I know how much is involved in making new adult friends but it is absolutely possible - you just have to try and enjoy the process.

I think to not have any friends to celebrate a milestone birthday with is a sign that you have put your daughter / work / whatever else first for too long.

Take the hint from this and build up a more resilient network.

Op you say you are surprised at people mentioning relying on friends - this surprises me!

You must know that it would be considered normal by many people to celebrate a 50th with friends? It's hardly unusual to suggest or throw a party or lunch or even say to close friends, hey I'm turning 50 who is up for a drink/lunch etc

I've been to several 50ths in recent years all organised by the person turning 50.

I think you need to take a look around and really focus on building up your own life - then it won't matter if your daughter isn't around for this particular date.

People I know seem to be more family oriented. I think also there has been a change in socialising since Covid. Although I am now older and my team at work has changed, I remember 8-10 years ago people wanting to go out and people organising out of work social gatherings much more.

I’m still a bit confused as to how much people seem to think one should rely and depend on friends and how little one should expect from family. I suspect this is generational and cultural. I really like and, of course, love my DD and would like to see her as she means a lot to me rather than spending time with casual friends who don’t mean that much.

I think this part of one of your last posts is quite telling.

Casual friends can’t turn into deep friendships if you don’t think they mean much.

All my close friends started out as casual friendships, mostly at the school gates. But over years have grown into close relationships that are akin to family.

Celebrating a birthday with your friends as an adult is completely normal, particularly if it’s a big birthday. Whether that’s a dinner, a party or a trip abroad. Most people I know are more than willing to find any reason to celebrate, pop a nice dress on and head out for some lovely adult company. And a big birthday is the perfect excuse for a weekend away from family.

I think you need to focus on developing deeper connections with people instead of writing off casual friends as people that don’t matter or you’ll end up lonely.

The attitude from many on mumsnet is to be overprotective and and completely put your life and relationships on hold for your children until they reach 16 and then kick them out if they are tricky or make them pay rent. Once they are adults only a distant relationship with little communication is the done thing. It is bizarre and nothing like real life.