Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

[Lemonmeringue76]

For the last few years my DD aged 21 had talked about us doing something special for my next ‘big’ birthday. We have been to London for shows, cocktails and dinner or been on holiday for previous birthdays and always had a lovely time. Or at least I thought we did.

From being very close she has changed towards me recently and become more distant. I’m not sure if this is her age or the fact she is in a new relationship. She texts and phones far less frequently from uni. In the past we had seen a great deal of each other and regularly been out for dinner, spa days, cinema etc. She came home in uni holidays and for weekends.

She is now saying I might not even see her for my birthday, let alone do something special. I feel very hurt. I have no one else but her to celebrate with. I’ve always been a one to make a fuss over her birthdays. I can’t understand why she would be willing to leave me alone on the day.

I don't think you're unreasonable. I think you need to build up your friendship network though because it sounds very hard

I was my mother's only friend and like @mybestchildismycat I was also parentified and pulled away from my mother around this age. It was to protect myself from the immense emotional drain of being responsible for my mother. It IS sad that you have nobody to share your birthday and that your daughter won't celebrate with you, I do understand the hurt. But it is so important to carve out your own life and friends because your DD may end up very resentful if not.

Well, as harsh as it sounds, you made your bed and now you have to lie in it.

If you spend decades prioritising work and your DD to the exclusion of all else, what do you expect? You've not bothered to make friends or focus on your own life and now your DD is grown, you have nothing.

It's not your DD's job to keep coming back home to make sure you're not lonely or by yourself. You need to make your own friends and create a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around her.

Your DD is away at uni and building her own life and I’m sure she will see you at some point it just doesn’t have to be the exact day. Why can’t you invite a friend for dinner or something. From now to your birthday in 5 months surely someone will be free? I think it’s important you reach out to friends or make some because if your DD is your only person you will end up very lonely

I don't believe in the nonsense of big or milestone birthdays which are made up to pressurise people into spending more.

I get an impression that your DD wants her current relationship to last, to work so to speak, and this is more important to her than any social event. More than just age and being an independent adult. Hopefully it does and you should be supportive of that.

OP just take control and book in on a group holiday to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go (assuming you don’t want to go away by yourself). I was similar in the run up to my 50th, it feels quite painful if you can’t get a big celebration, as it feels a bit like a judgment on your whole life. I do have friends but most of them are far flung and I didn’t feel that confident with the local-ish ones and was picturing some nightmare scenario where only a couple of acquaintance turned up and would be thinking ‘wtf is there no-one closer to her’. I don’t have DC and parents live far away. In the end I booked on a holiday to a great destination with just one friend, but would have done a group holiday with Explore or other group thing if I’d found no-one else to go away with. I really didn’t want to be sitting home alone on the day.

For the relationship with your daughter, you do need to be less intense and develop your social life. My DM saw me as her ‘friend’ and that she didn’t need anyone else. In my urge to pull away from her and be less suffocated I got into bad relationships. It’s not an emotionally healthy situation for either of you.

I understand your daughters reluctance to commit to a specific date now.

She has a full summer free and will want to plan her time when it comes closer - increasing her hours at uni city job, going somewhere with friends, going somewhere with her boyfriend.

Committing to a specific day so far in advance just feels hard - and unnecessary. Yes, she will do something with you around your August birthday, but surely it doesn't need to be set in stone in February.

Why do you worry she’s about to resign from the home job if she has a uni job? You are desperately trying to pull her back home and it’s not the time to do that. Be happy for her independence and keep telling yourself that she could one day announce she’s moving to Australia or somewhere equally far flung (as millions before her have) and you’ll have to be happy with that choice too.

I would be suggesting something within 2 months of the date not the weekend before or after. That’s very rigid. I was at uni 3 hours from home and don’t remember anyone being obliged to return home particular weekends for a parent’s birthday.

Treat yourself to travelling to see her.

Having been in the position of your DD, this is exactly what I would recommend. Find a way to celebrate this milestone that doesn't involve her OR friends.

Between a full time job and raising your daughter, I can understand how you've found yourself in the position you're in. But it is absolutely critical that you act now.

If your DD feels worry, guilt and obligation, those feelings are unfortunately going to crowd out the enjoyment that I'm sure she also feels in spending time with you. In contrast, if your DD sees you taking charge of your life and investing in yourself, she will be able to relax and won't feel the same need to pull away.

Well yes but it’s not uni term. She’s off from start of June to middle of September and my birthday is July so a weekend in July or August I guess.

We also can’t spend Mothers’ Day together for the first time ever as she is representing her university that day many miles away.

I think that’s fair enough?

She is 21, she is learning to live her life, she is a young adult, not her mothers emotional crutch!

Very gently, OP, I don't think you are fully hearing the posters on this thread that have been in your DD's position.

Your DD's feelings may be much deeper and more complicated than you realise. It just isn't as simple as "Surely she can commit to one weekend over a two month period".

She may be feeling overwhelmed with the dawning realisation that she is your entire emotional life. That is she doesn't spend time with you, then you won't be spending time with anyone. You seem to think that this should make her more willing to commit to you - the reality is, it will make her feel suffocated and more likely to pull away.

Why is that an issue or even relevant?

Honestly, you really need to build a life for yourself outside of your DD. Your posts are making me feel claustrophobic and I don't even know you!

Spending time with loved ones on birthdays, especially big birthdays is a very normal part of our culture. Talking for years about what you’re going to do for that birthday and then changing your mind when it comes around is rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate behaviour. That’s not narcissistic.

Not remotely a big deal. Many people don’t spend Mother’s Day with their mothers due to distance.

At the time she was suggesting birthday plans, she had a summer job in your town and a boyfriend in your town. Now she has a job in uni town (that might be available in the summer) and a boyfriend in uni town. Things are different. I am sure she will see you over the summer for a celebration, either in your town or uni town, but it’s not unreasonable not to want to commit when she doesn’t know her summer plans yet.

Get used to it - I don't think I have spent Mother's Day with my mum since I left home at 17! I am always around for her big birthdays though.

With your best friend, OP - can you pick a weekend before she goes to the US or after she comes back? Or could you go out to the states, stay somewhere near her and do something fun with her whilst her dad babysits?

I completely agree. I've been in your daughter's situation. The pressure of being your parent's only source of support/social life is incredible. Especially when you're at your daughter's point in life, when she should be focusing on expanding her own life and setting herself up for a happy, independent future.

I used to long for my parent to have friends, more than I wanted my own friends, as I knew it would free me.

You may feel you're not putting your daughter under any pressure, but I assure you she feels it. And I suspect this is why she's pulling away a little.

I felt resentment towards my parent, then guilt (because I knew part of the reason they had no social network, was because they'd been so focused on raising kids on their own in a challenging situation). I honestly feel that being my parent's only source of support/social life damaged my own social life and relationships, and still does to this day, as nothing has really changed for them

It's bloody hard making friends when you're an adult - I don't think anyone would dispute that. But you really have to try OP. For your daughter's benefit and your own.

Have you been up to uni town to visit her?

And with your casual friends - send a quick email saying “summer birthday, it’s a big one 😀 appreciate folks will have holiday plans so quick poll, who could do 22 June/15 July/4 Aug/1 Sep for lunch/cocktails and I’ll go with the majority”

That your friends have families doesn’t mean they don’t have a lunch or evening spare, if they aren’t actually on a holiday at the time!