Struggling with response to friend re circumcision

[cultureclash]

A close friend of mine gave birth a week ago and she messaged me yesterday to tell me that her son has just been circumcised with crying faces and that she is an emotional wreck. I was shocked at this as it’s not something we have ever spoke about before so I enquired as to is her son ok and did he have some medical issues and she said no, cultural reasons. I kept the responses short and factual but Aibu that I struggled to show any compassion or empathy for her that she has just paid over £200 to have bits chopped off her precious newborn baby and she is more upset for herself than the pain that she has just put her newborn infant through. I am suprised at how strongly I have reacted to this, I just cannot imagine doing this to my baby. Aibu to feel like this? I obviously would never voice my opinions to her and cause upset but I am struggling with my own emotions around this.

The fact that there are clinics that “specialise” in cutting off babies body parts is a scandal in itself.

Most men I know wouldn’t. Sorry that most men you know do.

It’s so gross to look at a baby boy and wonder if their penis will be desirable to women in the future 🤮

Nobody should be slicing bits off babies unless it's medically necessary. Same with ear piercing. Why would anyone look at their perfect baby's perfect skin and think ooh I need to chop/pierce that?

Wait until they're old enough to make decisions about their own bodies.

I was not being sarcastic.

I think you misunderstood what I was saying really. What I was trying to get across was that if you believe that you must circumcise boys or you believe that you must vaccinate children you are doing it with the same intent, to protect your child. Those who don’t share your convictions are not inherently evil nor are they seeking to harm. The righteousness you feel in defending vaccines is the same that they feel defending their religious practices.
Of course you can both vaccinate your child and be desperately upset when it is done. In fact it’s a common reaction. The same is true of OPs friend.

Absolutely barbaric. Send her another message asking why she felt it necessary to mutilate her baby and then block the disgusting abuser

What a horrible thing to do to a new mum

What a horrible thing to do to a new baby.

@Ohthatsabitshit I think you misunderstood what I was saying really. What I was trying to get across was that if you believe that you must circumcise boys or you believe that you must vaccinate children you are doing it with the same intent, to protect your child.

Irrelevant.

Those who don’t share your convictions are not inherently evil nor are they seeking to harm.

I didn't say otherwise.

The righteousness you feel in defending vaccines is the same that they feel defending their religious practices.

A large % of circumcisions (although not the majority) are cultural only, and not religious (eg US, Australia, Phillippines, South Korea).

Oh no, the foreskin is not just an excess flap of skin, it's there for a reason. There's a whole community of men who are angry they were circumcised as babies. Meanwhile little boys have died from it, and it's often done without anesthetic, the pain of which is traumatic for tiny babies. It's not being as bad as FGM doesn't mean it's not terrible in it's own way, there's degrees of awfulness.

I live in North America and had to deal with this when my son was born. There was a lot of pressure to circumcise him, as it was the norm when my DH, DH’s friends, in-laws etc were born. I point blank refused, which is becoming more common these days, as education on the topic improves. I think it’s wrong to permanently alter a child’s body, if there is no medical reason. In your case, OP, I’d agree with PP and explain to your friend that you aren’t the person to commiserate with on this occasion.

Male circumcision cuts of an excess flap of skin.

Male circumcision cuts off the foreskin (which protects the glans)

Agreed - it is not comparable to FGM but then neither are lots of things that are ethically indefensible.

There is nothing “excess” about the body of a baby

Culture is irrelevant. This is a situation where you just don’t respond. It’s done. It can’t be undone. There is no point in having a conversation about it. Comforting her is inappropriate. It’s best just to stay silent.

OP - If you want to I think you can support your friend in her upset without condoning her decision.

I would say something like "This sounds very upsetting. Did you expect to feel like this?"

If she asks you what you think of her having it done you can say "It isn't what I would have chosen to have done as it doesn't align with my beliefs or values - so I am upset for both you and your baby"

Yikes I just discovered reading up on this that male circumcision is legal as long as it is done by someone “competent”. It doesn’t even need to be done by a doctor in a hospital. That needs to change. I wouldn’t even get my dog done by someone who’s not medically qualified.

In the UK it is a cultural norm common amongst certain sections of society to pierce their (mainly girl) children's ears. This is done even to very small toddlers.

I saw it being done once in a high street chain shop that sold pretty trinkets to children. The child was held still by the parent and the child absolutely screamed in pain and distress.

I wonder how many here who are busy affirming their cultural, religious and moral superiority have had their child's ears pierced?

And before anyone lipflaps that it is not remotely similar - it is a mutilation, it is painful and it is absolutely and TOTALLY unnecessary. But you still did it, didn't you?

My friend married into another culture. The pressure to circumcise was huge. Her partner and family harassed her and normalised it. I his culture it is completely normal and he said no one remembers being a baby or having foreskin... but they will remember when their bits are different later. He was really upset at the idea of his son having a different penis from him! Genuinely . He's not really religious it s cultural. So she got a private doctor and the did it. She was racked with guilt and upset. So your friend may have been persuaded or pushed and the reality of the procedure minimised. So be nice to her.

Not Personally no. My teen DD still doesn’t have them pierced

And earlobes are not the same as a penis.

HTH

My son had it for medical reasons, bloody awful witnessing how much pain he was in. Screaming when going for a wee.
Im totally with you on this.

"FGM cuts off the entire clitorios"

Type 1a is the removal of the clitoral hood only. This would be the equivalent of the foreskin and is rightly illegal worldwide.

Yet baby boys are not offered the same legal protections and can have their foreskins removed on a whim in someone's house.

They consider it dirty to not be circumsized, it's harder to keep it clean and looks better.

She would have had to give consent, surely?

But if you live in the uk and know about its culture you know its incredibly unusual for a shop to pierce the ears of a screaming held down child too