Childcare from grandparents- your experience vs your child’s experience

[Ariel269]

Growing up my grandparents babysat us all the time- to let my parents go to work, for them to go nights out/date nights, to let them go away for the weekend, sometimes just because.

I hasten to add, my mum and dad’s shifts would overlap at the weekend and I had a younger sister with a big age gap. I would babysit my sister on a Sunday morning-afternoon every week due to this while I lived at home, from when I was a teen . This inevitably meant missing nights out when I got to a certain age as I needed to be up early on the Sunday . When I left home as a student and got a job that involved weekend work, my mum was furious and I would always end up avoiding certain shifts to let me continue to help her with childcare. This meant taking my sister from the Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. This only stopped once I was a qualified nurse and couldn’t avoid these shifts. Miraculously, my mum managed to alter her own hours then.

I now have my own children and don’t really ask for help with childcare. Husband and I both work and sort childcare between us both by working opposite to each other. We have a date night maybe once every 12-18months at most. We have had one night away, for our wedding night. Other than that, I generally only ask for help if it’s really extenuating circumstances like when I was in labour. My mum usually isn’t the one to provide this childcare.

A few weeks back my daughter was hospitalised. I couldn’t stay as the resident parent, as I’m breastfeeding my youngest who is still a small baby. So, husband stayed with her and I would go to the hospital while the rest were at school/nursery and in the evenings. My sister, auntie & uncle, neighbour and friends all chipped in to help, without me needing to ask. On one of the days, we had nobody during the day because everyone was at work. I wanted to be able to attend the ward round (it’s me who generally attends all my daughters appointments due to the way our shifts are, so I know her medical history much more fluently than my husband and it would have been helpful to have me there). My mum was off work and I asked if she could collect my toddler from nursery at lunchtime and sit with her for an hour or two to let me go to ward round. My toddler naps at this time, the nursery is a 3 minute walk from my front door. My mum
herself stays a 5 minute drive from my house. I would have been home within 2 hours max as needed home for school pick up. She said no. She gave no rationale other than it would be “a lot” for her. She is in her late 50’s, physically well and still works etc. she would not have found this physically taxing.

I feel as if there is a huge disconnect between her expectations of childcare when she had us as kids and what she thinks she should provide as a grandparent. I think it bothers me more as I helped her with childcare for years, which was never complained about but was a pain as meant missing friend’s birthday parties, nights out etc if they fell on a Saturday night.

Is this similar to the experiences of others? I feel like everyone else I know has much more help from grandparents.

I saw my grandparents a lot, but not for regular childcare. Emergency illness help, pickups occasionally etc. one off care.

But my mother was a childminder working from home when I was young, so we hardly had a need.

For my son, he doesn't live in the same city (of country for one) as his grandparents.. so he sees them for intensive periods, 4-6 weeks at a time, and during that time they do a lot for and with him.. but that is because for the rest of the year they won't see each other.

To your general point, I do think that the trend in the uk is away from grandparents helping. On average older people have much more going on than they used to. More of them are still working, more travel frequently, etc. my grandparents generation were very settled and sedate, so always around for childcare, but my parents generation have all sorts of things going on in their own lives that compete with childcare.

There have always been some parents who just don't want to do it, and it is hypocritical if they expected it from their own parents that will never change.

I work with a lady of a similar age to your mam and she explained to me before she finds it frustrating that's she's asked to babysit when she's off when she herself is working full-time and is asked to babysit on her only day off. She helps where she can but does need to say no sometimes as her job is intense and a weekend of babysitting on top of that would be a lot.

However, that said your mother is an absolute bitch for not helping you under the circumstances you outlined. Id address it with her!

When I was growing up, both grandparents were retired so one set in particular did mind us. My mother also worked from home so we didnt need much unless they were away. Now with my own kids, one set is retired and one set isnt. The set that are retired do get asked to do more babysitting because I feel guilty taking the others only free time. Both sets help us out a lot overall!

Hope your child is better.

My experience is the opposite of yours OP. When I was growing up, two of my grandparents were already dead (my dad's parents both died before I was born) and my mum's parents lived a few hours away and were no use at all. When my mum was hospitalised and my dad was trying to care for two small children and work full time, neither of them came to help despite being retired and healthy at the time (my dad's uncle and aunt stepped in). They never once looked after me and my brother.

My parents on the other hand have helped me in lots of ways over the years - financially, emotionally and by providing childcare for my DC once a week. I hope to do similar for my grandchildren if I have any.

i hope your DD is ok now

This is completely unfair. She needs to have it spelt out to her. I would explain to your mother that you provided childcare for her all those years and looking after your dc as a once off in an emergency situation is the least she can do for you. Also stick in the fact that you will not be caring for her when she needs it, tell her she's going to have to sort something else. She sounds like a horrible , selfish person.

Your mum is a hypocritical and selfish disgrace. She relied on you for child care for your sister when you were still technically a child yet couldn't even be bothered to help you as a one-off in a medical emergency.

She is a shit mother and even shitter grandmother. I'd stop bothering with her at all and certainly wouldn't provide her with any help and support as she ages.

I visited my grandparents a lot on weekends and holidays but they didnt provide 'regular' childcare so my mum could work. Two things have changed since then though - my gran was a SAHM and was never expected to work, she left nursing when she married 🤷‍♀️ and, my mum was a SAHM, we managed to live on my stepdad's factory wage and I think some benefits top ups? My mum did a (free) uni degree while we were little and became a teacher.

Today, my mum's still in work so can no more provide childcare than me! I am lucky to have had good WFH roles so I could juggle.

I was never looked after by grandparents as a child

my kids once had a few days with one set of grandparents (they decided after that it was too much for them) and after age 7 the occasional dats care from my mum. My dad was technically present but has never really seen children as people.

Tell her about herself here. She would get it with both barrels from me after this.

She sounds like a selfish awful mother- who has frankly used you your entire life!

Me and my older brother were always at our nans, my mum rarely worked but every summer for 2-3 weeks we were at our nans. Used to be there two weekends out of the month as well.
My mum hasn't worked in many years and point blank refuses to help me. Even for a few hours, she would never look after them for a whole weekend

My experience is pretty similar to yours OP. MY GPs used to have us every Friday overnight so my parents could have some time to themselves until the GPs moved abroad when I was about 7. After that my brother and I used to fly out to them as unaccompanied minors for the school holidays so parents could work.
My parents have looked after my kids for maybe 3 or 4 evenings (not overnight) their whole lives. In-laws are the same although to be fair they don't live nearby.
Is it generational? My parents are boomers so this fits the stereotype.

My theory is that it alternates through generations. Those who had lots of help when they were parents don't generally recognise it and don't willingly look after their grandchildren, and those who didn't get help know how much it hurt and help with their grandchildren. This theory works for my family at least.

My mother died before I had DC, and DF and DSM, and PIL were all working when DS1 was small.

DH was looked after on Saturdays by his DGPs on one side, and taken on holiday by the other DGPs. We have had practically no help, only 2 nights babysitting for ours in total. PIL’s friends all did much more and are very close to their DGC. MIL wonders why my DNs who live nearby hardly ever visit.

In your case, OP, your DM is a hypocrite and I would point it out, calmly and firmly. I’m her age and I could easily look after a toddler for a few hours.

I pointed out to DH a while back that MIL was the same age I am now when we had DS1, and worked part time. If he’d ask her to drive to ours on her own, stay overnight and help the next day, there would have been reasons why she couldn’t, although she had no problem doing motorway driving to get to her nearest shopping centre. If we were DGPs and I took the same attitude he’d think I was being ridiculous.

Why are you trying to generalise about childcare and grandparents? Surely you know everyone has different situations? Basically your mother is selfish and lazy and has always been. Did you ask your dad for help?

I am 33 and have no living grandparents and I lost my Mum last year and my Dad is disabled so there’s no option of childcare from my side.
My Mum helped a lot when my DD(8) was 2-3.
We’re NC with DP’s Mum, his Dad is in the wind and the two grandparents he knows and loves are too elderly to help.
I was never babysat by my grandparents as they all lived a 2-3 drive away… and didn’t drive.

However, your Mum’s a fucking bitch. Good god what a nasty, selfish woman!
You sacrificed so much as a child to help her and she can’t help you once so you can see your child in hospital?
How do you come back from that?
Is your child okay now?

My parents relied heavily on grandparents for childcare. My brother and I got the bus to my nans after school every day where we had tea and mum would collect after work. Every summer holiday we would spend at least 2 weeks at my grandma’s house. Everyone lived within 30 mins of our house so it was easy.

We live 3.5hrs from my parents since having children so obviously childcare isn’t as easy. It does however hurt that they never even think to offer help withh even a few days in the summer.

We have the total opposite experience with MIL (who lives 2hrs away and still works). Every Christmas we sit down with a calendar and plot when she can book off to help with school holidays and insets. She views it as being involved with my kids lives and making memories, whereas mine see it as a drain on their lives and a waste of annual leave.

So it might not be a generational thing but a personality thing

i’d be inclined to remind her of all the help you provided. In her 50’s is not old and if she can’t help when your child is in hospital then i’d be distancing myself from her.

3 of my grandparents had passed before I was born. The final one passed when I was around 7 or 8 and before that I spent time with her for a few hours at a time in her assisted living space. She usually had us for an hour, never for regular childcare and never for evening babysitting. My parents didn't socialise really until we were old enough to be left for a few hours.

My husband had involved grandparents in the summer holidays as his dad was in the navy and mum worked shifts with 3 kids. But they were mostly latchkey kids once old enough. His parents didn't really socialise in a way that required babysitting or time for themselves.

We get zero help or babysitting from anyone, my child is now 3. My mum now has alzheimers but even before that was too nervy to ever even change my child's nappy. My dad holidays every school holiday and is the most involved by popping round more as he's retired. He has occasionally (like twice) come round whilst we have gone out for dinner, but we always put the baby to bed first. Husband's parents are both now retired but point blank refuse to babysit and have only ever seen our child with us present. They aren't interested. They don't have a social life although his mum is a carer which does take a lot of her time and was still working until last year. They live 5 mins away and never even come to our house. They provided endless childcare for our niece who is now 13.

We anticipate never being able to have a night away to be honest. I think expectations around socializing and childcare have changed, but your post suggests different so I imagine it's very individual

I'm genuinely surprised that the Mumsnet mantra of 'your babies are your responsibility, your mum has already experienced her child rearing years so there is no requirement for her to help you' hasn't happened.

Not that I agree, families should help each other! My parents say 'if you can't rely on family, who can you rely on?' whilst never helping with childcare when my grandparents looked after us 5 days a week and most school holidays when I was young.

Can’t comment on the older generation and childcare because my grandparents never looked after me but your mother sounds totally selfish. Who wouldn’t step up so their daughter and visit their granddaughter in hospital? When your daughter is better I think you need to talk to your mum about how disappointed you are that you provided childcare all those years and she can’t do an odd afternoon in return.

Your mum sounds dreadful. Not wanting to look after grandkids is one thing and perfectly within her rights, although very mean to say no during genuine emergencies! But the childcare expectations when you were young yourself was totally not on. It's not your fault she chose to have another baby with no childcare plan in place! I'm sorry that was all on you.

None of my four grandparents ever looked after us. One set lived hours away, the other set were close by but very elderly and it was never even an option. We had babysitters when my parents had evenings out, and we stayed at friends houses on the very, very rare occasions my parents had a night away. I think they had about 6 nights away from us in our entire childhood.

We are very lucky my son's four grandparents all dote on him but they are all getting older themselves and we do not have a regular childcare arrangement in place with any of them. They will offer to do occasional childcare but only ever in our house, so we've given up on nights away together because it's such a faff having them to stay, prepping to leave the kids and prepping to go away ourselves.

Growing up I didn’t have a close relationship with GP. We would visit them occasionally along with our DP but I don’t ever recall spending anytime alone with GP ever. Certainly no childcare, holidays or day trips.

They lived locally but I always got the impression that my parents were never that keen on them so they were very much peripheral characters from my perspective.

I now have a DS and the situation is fairly similar albeit for different reasons. Parents/PIL all live locally but don’t have huge amounts to do with their DGC because they feel they are now too old. We visit from time to time but much like my own experiences growing up there is no time spent alone with them.

I suppose your own experiences feel normal and a lifetime of GP having little involvement is what feels normal to me so I don’t feel that I or my DS have missed out on anything.

Your mum sounds kinda mean! I don’t have kids but I spent a lot of time with my grandmother growing up because I wanted to. I don’t have kids but would prefer not to let my parents look after them too often. However my brother has my parents to babysit his young kids a lot. They are in their 70s and my mum still works. My brother complains he is tired all the time 🤣

I also have the opposite experience to you op, like a PP.

2 of my grandparents were already dead, and my other 2 lived abroad. We did see them a couple of times a year but obv they didn’t do babysitting.

I did have an amazing great aunt who helped us though.

I now live a few hours from my mum. My in laws also lived 2 hours away and only moved nearer last year. So for the first few years, we hardly had any help. But now they all help out lots and it’s brilliant. I’m lucky i can wfh so i also take DC1 who just started school to my mum’s and work from there while she looks after him.

I'm so sorry you have a mother like this. There's nothing you can do except grieve what you never had and the fact that she expected you to care for her and her children but doesn't reciprocate now. She sounds selfish and immature.

Your mum’s selfish and uncaring, sorry.