Childcare from grandparents- your experience vs your child’s experience

[Ariel269]

Growing up my grandparents babysat us all the time- to let my parents go to work, for them to go nights out/date nights, to let them go away for the weekend, sometimes just because.

I hasten to add, my mum and dad’s shifts would overlap at the weekend and I had a younger sister with a big age gap. I would babysit my sister on a Sunday morning-afternoon every week due to this while I lived at home, from when I was a teen . This inevitably meant missing nights out when I got to a certain age as I needed to be up early on the Sunday . When I left home as a student and got a job that involved weekend work, my mum was furious and I would always end up avoiding certain shifts to let me continue to help her with childcare. This meant taking my sister from the Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. This only stopped once I was a qualified nurse and couldn’t avoid these shifts. Miraculously, my mum managed to alter her own hours then.

I now have my own children and don’t really ask for help with childcare. Husband and I both work and sort childcare between us both by working opposite to each other. We have a date night maybe once every 12-18months at most. We have had one night away, for our wedding night. Other than that, I generally only ask for help if it’s really extenuating circumstances like when I was in labour. My mum usually isn’t the one to provide this childcare.

A few weeks back my daughter was hospitalised. I couldn’t stay as the resident parent, as I’m breastfeeding my youngest who is still a small baby. So, husband stayed with her and I would go to the hospital while the rest were at school/nursery and in the evenings. My sister, auntie & uncle, neighbour and friends all chipped in to help, without me needing to ask. On one of the days, we had nobody during the day because everyone was at work. I wanted to be able to attend the ward round (it’s me who generally attends all my daughters appointments due to the way our shifts are, so I know her medical history much more fluently than my husband and it would have been helpful to have me there). My mum was off work and I asked if she could collect my toddler from nursery at lunchtime and sit with her for an hour or two to let me go to ward round. My toddler naps at this time, the nursery is a 3 minute walk from my front door. My mum
herself stays a 5 minute drive from my house. I would have been home within 2 hours max as needed home for school pick up. She said no. She gave no rationale other than it would be “a lot” for her. She is in her late 50’s, physically well and still works etc. she would not have found this physically taxing.

I feel as if there is a huge disconnect between her expectations of childcare when she had us as kids and what she thinks she should provide as a grandparent. I think it bothers me more as I helped her with childcare for years, which was never complained about but was a pain as meant missing friend’s birthday parties, nights out etc if they fell on a Saturday night.

Is this similar to the experiences of others? I feel like everyone else I know has much more help from grandparents.

Given the appalling way people treat and speak about older generations on here it is no surprise they don’t want to help.

I have both sides of this my dp live nearby and are very involved in day to day with dc. We dont need them for childcare but they are offended if we send them to wrap around clubs etc instead of asking them when we need help. On the other hand dpil are not hands on and have never kept dc even for an hour. I also wouldn't ask as I can see that it would be a burden they're slightly older and not physically fit but also have never offered when they were able. I can see both sides tho dh and I talk about our dc being grown and travelling Europe so while ill want to help I also look forward to my retirement too.

My grandparents died before I was born, my mother had no help from extended family, I had no help from my parents or in laws when my children were growing up nor did I expect any. I have provided childcare for my grandchildren whenever I can. I would certainly help in your circumstances and it's very sad that you mother won't/can't help, but perhaps there are reasons why she feels she can't do it.

My mother wouldn't help out in any way with our kids in principle. She said it was because her mother never helped her, so she wouldn't help her kids. I mean the odd babysitting night here, nothing as extreme as childcare for the purposes of work..

My DPs mum on the other hand looked after our DS a couple of days a week throughout his childhood and was delighted to have the chance to do so. She lives him to bits and the legacy is he has a great relationship with them. They were almost like a second set of parents to him. By the same token, I never interfered, never issued instructions as to what he was to be fed or anything else so it worked perfectly.

I will always be grateful for it and I know they considered themselves very lucky to be able to spend so much time with him and have such a close bond.

I know which version I would hope to emulated one day.

My grand parents had us most school holidays as a kid, from toddlers until early teens. My husband stayed with his grandparents for holidays and weekends too.

My in laws provide 0 childcare.
My parents have watched them twice in 4 years, at night only so we could go for dinner, and had my sister around to help as well.

It's also interesting that our parents (teachers/civil servants/corporate jobs) retired earlier than our grandparents (blue collar) did. Much earlier than we will ever do as well.

Boomers is a very odd generation IMO.

My parents are actively involved in helping out with my 2 daughters, they babysit when I go out one evening a week and any other times for one or both of them. I find they are flexible and have more time for us now they are both retired, when my Mum was still working it was more difficult to ask them for help especially if it was short notice, as I was made to feel an inconvenience.

I had one set of grandparents living locally and my Grandad babysat if my parents had a night out, or when they did a pub quiz on a Tuesday. They also looked after us in the holidays, inset days or if one of us was off sick and both parents were working, and looked after our cousins some nights when my Aunt and Uncle were on night shifts.

I spent a lot of time with my grandparents growing up due to my parents work overlapping so my nan would have me after school and so my parents could go out in the evenings (not loads but once maybe twice a month) I was extremely lucky that my parents and in laws are very hands on with my DD.
My mum had my DD one day a week (depending on DH shifts) from 10wks till 4yrs so I could work and my parents did any babysitting so we could go out/attend weddings etc. My in laws also helped with childcare after school. I have friends whose parents do nothing, don't offer help and expect visits etc. Which I find sad. I think grandparents shouldn't be 'expected' to help, but you'd think they would want to.

My df's parents died when he was young and dm's parents only babysat us a couple of times though they lived reasonably close. They were only 40 when I was born and still had quite young dc. They did look after their other gc a lot in later years. My ggm looked after us more, especially in the school holidays but she was quite old so we were pretty much left to our own devices.
I would always help out in an emergency but my 2 dd don't live very close so I can't do regular babysitting. Dd2 has a medical appointment and asked me last minute if I could babysit. Unfortunately I still have to work (I'm 60) and I had already altered my hours next week to accommodate dm so I couldn't. As it wasn't an emergency she has rearranged the appointment so I can help in a couple of weeks. I'd love to be able to drop everything and help them whenever. I still have a dd (18) at school as well.

Dm and df never did regular babysitting - far too busy but they did use to take them away for the odd week and to the pantomime. They much preferred it when the gc were older and my 4dc have a great relationship with them. PiL lived abroad and were much older so we didn't think it was right to ask them to look after dc.

This.

@Ariel269 it’s unforgivable the your mum wouldn’t help you out for two hours when your daughter was sick….especially given the fact she made you responsible for her sister when you should have been enjoying your life.

She is not a good mum. Can you imagine doing this to your own children? I know that must sound upsetting but I think it’s something you need to face and work through Might also be a good idea to work through the sense of obligation you’re feeling to provide care in old age when she’s never provided support to you.

Your mother obviously didn't particularly enjoy parenting you or your sister, hence her contracting out that care to your grandparents and later you. Therefore she's not going to change now. She didn't like it then and she won't like it now.

Its not fair and she is very unhelpful but that's the way its going to be. Sadly.

"Is this similar to the experiences of others? I feel like everyone else I know has much more help from grandparents."

If grandparents don't want to then it's probably best for DC that they don't. Just to reassure you that for all sorts of reasons - age/ability/proximity/willingness etc. not everyone has support from grandparents.

For us grandparents are unable so we don't ask or expect anything and we're fine with that. They visit and have a good relationship, which is great for DC.

She can be- more that she is generous with gifts etc and we do talk. I don’t think it’s a very typical mother/daughter relationship we have though.

No there genuinely isn’t any more to it. No big falling out, no hidden issues between us. My toddler naps every day after nursery and likely would have still. Apples that day.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies.

I was raised in a different country to my grandparents. One set would have me for a week in the summer holidays once I was old enough to travel alone but that was it. The other set I only ever visited with my parents.

My mum was over 70 when my kids were born. She picked dc2 up from preschool one day a week when she moved close to us and will have one or both children if we are stuck. She would definitely help out if I needed to be in hospital with one of them.

Your parents sound really rubbish and unfair to you - both in expecting so much child care from your and giving you nothing in return in terms of caring for your kids.

My Mum has helped out with my kids to a certain extent, as much as she could, but doesn’t live nearby so couldn’t do loads (we’re beyond the stage of needing it now, and also sadly she’s now ill). If I ask my 17 yo to look after my 12 yo I pay her!

My Dad didn’t really do much when they were little (parents are together), but as a couple they would have both or either kid in the holidays once or twice a year once they were past a certain again.

I am worried I won’t be physically able to look after grandkids much myself due to having a really exhausting life as a single parent working full-time, and if that means I don’t stay in good health as long! Or I may well still be working and unable to.

My parents didn’t really have much help from grandparents for us because they didn’t live nearby. We would all go and stay together in the school holidays, and then when I was a teenager I did go and stay with them with friends. That was really nice! The only actual childcare my GPs did for us was about two nights every when my parents had an overnight event.

I am a boomer. Please don't do "stereotypes " we are like every other generation not clones of each other. Find it very insulting

Your mother is a cow for not helping you out in the situation you describe and to be honest she abused your goodwill when you were younger, you should have never been put in that situation.

She has shown her true colours so you know what’s she’s like in terms of helping her out. Don’t make yourself available to help her out and bear in mind she’ll be looking for you to care for her when she’s older! So lay down the ground rules now.

This op. You need to acknowledge how bad she really is.

My grandparents provided childcare 9-6 from when I was 3 months old until I started school. They did all the school runs until I was in secondary school and had me all day every school holiday. I had a sleepover at least once a month. Dh was similar.

We’ve never had any formal childcare from grandparents. I can probably count on my 2 hands the number of times a grandparent has looked after ours - and our eldest is 13. We only have our mums, but neither of them have ever taken dc out for a day out. My dc have never been to my mum’s house (again in 13 years, she lives abroad and we are NC now but we weren’t always). Only my eldest has been to MIL’s house, even Dh and I haven’t been invited in a decade! They have each looked after dc a handful of times at our house. But it’s maybe at most once a year for a few hours.

Dh and I go out for lunch dates while dc are in school and we go away on holidays separately, so one of us can stay home while other has an adult time away.

It must skip a generation because I can’t wait to help out with any grandchildren I’m one day blessed to have. I will so be right in there for regular childcare and days out and sleepovers.

I sympathise with you though OP. My mum once tsk tsked at us because she helped us pay for nursery a handful of times (I was a postgraduate student when my eldest was small, back before any funded hours or tax free childcare existed). You would have thought we were taking her money to splurge on a yacht or something! Clearly forgetting that she had 5 years of free full time childcare and 12 years of school transport and dinner 5-6 nights a week and all school holiday care plus a few holidays away provided by my grandparents. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am a boomer. Please don't do "stereotypes " we are like every other generation not clones of each other. Find it very insulting

Isn't it Extremely Annoying? The word itself is now used in a derisory or insulting way when it never used to be.

I am a boomer and I'm not wealthy and nor are many of my peers.
My parents NEVER looked after my children, not ONCE,
I look after my gc three mornings a week and the occasional evening to boot.
I am not swanning off on cruises, splashing cash on city breaks or spending my days playing golf.

Many of us are what I've heard termed as the sandwich generation, torn between sharing out their 'caring' between their own parents and their
grandchildren. Not many parents of boomers had that burden.
I even have peers who have siblings who need general support on a daily basis.
Club sandwich generation perhaps. If any generation is unhelpful through pure
laziness and entitlement I think the last group one can point a finger at is
'boomers'

I didn't have grandparents, my last one died when I was 2, we also didn't have any extended family so my parents had absolutely no help with me and my sister. They have been brilliant with my kids though, always offering to babysit and wanting to take my kids out. I know I'm incredibly lucky.

Dh and I go out for lunch dates while dc are in school and we go away on holidays separately, so one of us can stay home while other has an adult time away

I'm a boomer and we had to do the same thing. So did a lot of us at that time.
First proper holiday we had together was when our children were 14 and 12
and went to spend a week with their friends. It's not new.

Very different experiences. Hardly saw both sets of grandparents growing up, maybe once or twice a year. Summer and Christmas.
They lived a 6hr train or car journey away. (My parents moved from where they met and grew up).
Whereas even though my inlaws live in a different country and my parents are 100 miles away (we also both moved away from where we grew up), they have had the children for holidays and spent lots of time together in all of our homes. (Grandparents x 2 and ours, we dont have multiple homes!)