Childcare from grandparents- your experience vs your child’s experience

[Ariel269]

Growing up my grandparents babysat us all the time- to let my parents go to work, for them to go nights out/date nights, to let them go away for the weekend, sometimes just because.

I hasten to add, my mum and dad’s shifts would overlap at the weekend and I had a younger sister with a big age gap. I would babysit my sister on a Sunday morning-afternoon every week due to this while I lived at home, from when I was a teen . This inevitably meant missing nights out when I got to a certain age as I needed to be up early on the Sunday . When I left home as a student and got a job that involved weekend work, my mum was furious and I would always end up avoiding certain shifts to let me continue to help her with childcare. This meant taking my sister from the Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. This only stopped once I was a qualified nurse and couldn’t avoid these shifts. Miraculously, my mum managed to alter her own hours then.

I now have my own children and don’t really ask for help with childcare. Husband and I both work and sort childcare between us both by working opposite to each other. We have a date night maybe once every 12-18months at most. We have had one night away, for our wedding night. Other than that, I generally only ask for help if it’s really extenuating circumstances like when I was in labour. My mum usually isn’t the one to provide this childcare.

A few weeks back my daughter was hospitalised. I couldn’t stay as the resident parent, as I’m breastfeeding my youngest who is still a small baby. So, husband stayed with her and I would go to the hospital while the rest were at school/nursery and in the evenings. My sister, auntie & uncle, neighbour and friends all chipped in to help, without me needing to ask. On one of the days, we had nobody during the day because everyone was at work. I wanted to be able to attend the ward round (it’s me who generally attends all my daughters appointments due to the way our shifts are, so I know her medical history much more fluently than my husband and it would have been helpful to have me there). My mum was off work and I asked if she could collect my toddler from nursery at lunchtime and sit with her for an hour or two to let me go to ward round. My toddler naps at this time, the nursery is a 3 minute walk from my front door. My mum
herself stays a 5 minute drive from my house. I would have been home within 2 hours max as needed home for school pick up. She said no. She gave no rationale other than it would be “a lot” for her. She is in her late 50’s, physically well and still works etc. she would not have found this physically taxing.

I feel as if there is a huge disconnect between her expectations of childcare when she had us as kids and what she thinks she should provide as a grandparent. I think it bothers me more as I helped her with childcare for years, which was never complained about but was a pain as meant missing friend’s birthday parties, nights out etc if they fell on a Saturday night.

Is this similar to the experiences of others? I feel like everyone else I know has much more help from grandparents.

Hands-off parents are likely to be hands-off grandparents.

Unfortunately that’s the crux of it.

You were a mother figure to your younger sibling, you have a nurturing profession in nursing and are, I presume, a caring and nurturing person. It doesn’t sound like your parents are. The likelihood of a person who is lazy in caregiving to their own offspring freely offering caregiving to GC or other people is low. It’s shit, but that’s who they are.

Sadly there are a lot of people who want the “village” to raise their DC, but don’t want to contribute to the village once their children are grown. Usually these people are selfish arseholes and I’m sorry you have them for parents.

Growing up, we saw my grandparents on both sides regularly, but not for childcare. My Dad's parents always helped in an emergency, though.

When we had DD, we lived 45 mins from my parents and 1.5 hours from ILs. No expectation of being helped, but they did when we were in a pinch. We have since moved and ILs live 10 mins walk away - MIL is fantastic and helps out a couple of days a week during school holidays, and if we ask at other times (not a huge amount). She also looks after one of the younger nephews a few days a week as nursery costs are high.

DM will also travel to us if needed (mainly because she prefer where we live- I find it stressful!).

I still prefer not to ask too much of them as they are all early 70s

I was rarely looked after by grandparents as a child, maybe one weekend every couple of years. My DD has never been looked after by grandparents, she has one (my mum) who isn't even interested in how she is.

My grandparents on both sides were very negative, mentally ill people who would have me round (as my poor single mum needed to work and my dad didn't give her a penny) but I would be sat in front of a TV and knew to keep quiet and out of the way. They hardly offered food or a drink and they never really played with me. Thankfully my Mum and Step-dad are amazing and I don't ask for much help with my DC but when I do they are there and have quality time with DC farms, parks, softplay etc. So glad DC has a much different experience. I should add my grandparents were in their mid forties when I was born, so not old at all, but very selfish. Not made to be parents or grandparents.

I suspect your mum doesn't enjoy looking after children, going by your description of your childhood and now.

It's really out of order how ahe got mad with you when you finally withdrew yourself from Sunday morning childcare for your sister - HER DAUGHTER.

She sounds very selfish.
Is she nice to you in other ways?

Very disappointing the way your mother reacted on this occasion. Your reasons are so valid wanting to be there for your hospitalised child . I can't imagine refusing anyone this at all even a passing acquaintance never my daughter and grandchild . My experience is so different as my friends will travel great distances to cover childcare . One friend planned an OZ trip to coincide with childminder holiday and stayed so couple could go to wedding abroad .

I totally agree with @StrawberryElephants
that you need to have it out with your mother, explaining all the care you gave as a teenager and how it affected your lack of social life. Really I think you have a shit mother who won’t help you in an emergency. I am a GP that does regular childcare and in your circumstances of course we ( my husband and I) would do anything to help. It works both ways because we have a wonderful relationship with our grandchildren. My mother was like yours which is one of the many reasons I am LC with her.

True! I was 67 when the youngest Gdc was born, and did willingly do one day a week (often with dh to help) even from 60 miles away. However by the time the 2nd arrived only 15 months later, I knew 2 would be too much - unless they could be guaranteed to have 2 good naps a day, at the same time!

So by the time mat. leave was over, we helped with childcare costs instead - I do realise we were fortunate to be able to do so.

I think there's probably quite a lot of confirmation bias going on. There are more of us than you think who have very little help or interaction with their parents and also no support from wider family such as your sister etc. You will be much more inclined to notice those who have more help. But still what you describe sounds really unpleasant and hurtful.

Some people are just very main character and selfish. I don't think my mum really thinks of me as a real person at all, it's just the way she is. It is important for me to really internalise that I don't need validation from her in my life choices, I'm never going to win her aproval. In your case as PP said, it sounds like your mum created a mental map where your job is to serve her, when you were far too young to be able to challenge that, and she has never moved on from that. There's no quid pro quo because there never had been, that is not something your respective roles (as she has them set up in her mind) demand. It's not fair or nice but perhaps it's all she is capable of giving you.

@Changename12 She does sound a poor mother, however I disagree on having it out with her, better to go low contact. I've known people get themselves in knots having it out with people over such things and their mental health has spiralled. As I've got older I've come to the conclusion least said soonest mended, and to keep toxic people at arms length.

What is your relationship like in general because she sounds awful. I’m not sure I’d be putting much effort in. You don’t need to ditch her completely but I wouldn’t put much energy into it. And I definitely wouldn’t be doing care as she ages.

Hope your DH told them they actually had to see their GC to get a photo with them.

How fucking ridiculous that they want to be seen as doting GPs, but aren’t actually prepared to visit for a single photo let alone any emotional connection 🙄

Your mum is and always was profoundly selfish. I hope you return the favour and never help her out again.

@HairyToity
It helped me a lot having it out with my mother. My sister has also had it out with her so I have someone to agree with me but I suppose everyone is different.

You may well be right, I know some people whom it's helped too.

I know one who had it out, didn't get the response she wanted, and then had a breakdown. I think it depends on the person. For this person she had a parent who was a big personality, and someone you could never win an argument with as he believes himself to be right on absolutely everything, a master manipulator and will not listen to other perspectives. I think she'd have been better just going low contact. He wasn't an abusive dad, he is very rich so his children never went without and attended top boarding schools, but he was very self centered, and always put his needs first. Mum wasn't around.

Whatever people's own experiences are, I think k your mum was really harsh here. You've said yourself that other people have chipped in. Most people would help a friend / neighbour with a one off hours childcare if their other child was hospitalised, and most parents would be falling over themselves to do whatever they could to help you when they're having a difficult time. I would be really hurt and disappointed. I hope she is not expecting you to provide care for her when she is elderly

Oh that's awful and I would be telling her in no uncertain terms that I'm upset and she's a bloody disgrace to not help when a child was in hospital. I'd also be reminding her that she used you as a free nanny and the social sacrifices you made.

Personally I was left on the care of my grandparents from 3 months - 6 years. I think I lived with my parents at the weekend between 2-6. We then emigrated and I've seen my grandparents twice since then. One of my earliest memories is being strapped in the pram outside and I was fighting it so much that I fell forward and smashed my face up on the concrete. I don't know how long I was left out there or if this was common practice.

My own mum is desperate to look after my children but she lives 2 hours away and I don't trust her judgement. She wanted to move in with me for 6 months after the birth of my second baby 🤯

My parents were older parents so all my grandparents were dead/nearly dead by the time I was born. Then sadly my parents had both died before I had kids - I was 26 when my eldest was born, I wanted to be relatively young mum as id very much like to meet my grandkids one day! I intend helping as much as my kids would like me to.

This infuriates me to OP. When my siblings and I were little my Nanna had us a LOT. My Dad worked 5 days a week. My Mum did various jobs that mostly worked around school timings - cleaning, pub work, dinner lady, childminding, salon work and various points of not being in work. Yet my Nanna did most school runs, had us all for tea, sleepovers, when Mum and Dad were out for the night or away (which was quite a lot).

Now my parents are divorced. Mum still works part time hours and will reluctantly help out but made a huge deal of not being regular childcare. Not overly reliable. Dad and his wife both retired agreed to help temporarily with youngest while we were awaiting nursery placement (a few weeks) very specific about end date. Funny thing is they are more helpful with younger siblings kids.

We only ask for help if we really need it. Usually so we can work. On the rare occasion we have asked for a bit of us time it’s met with eye rolls.

Definitely double standards with a lot this generation of grandparents. DH family are similar but his Dad has the cheek to expect us to care for him as he won’t go in a care home. Definitely NOT happening. We are planning very carefully so that we can retire and help out with potential grandchildren and be able to do things just the 2 of us 🙌🏻

DM was a single parent who worked FT as a teacher. Very occasionally we would got to GP if ill, but generally we had to go to school!!!
she was in a babysitting circle in our community so we often had friends to stay over when their DP went out or we would have sleepovers so DM could have some time out - never GP in the evenings.
now, DM is retired and will help with DD if ever needed but that’s rare as XH and I co-parent well and tend to work it out between us generally.

This breaks my heart a little, OP.

As well as not helping you, her daughter, out in her hour of need, your mother doesn't seem to want a relationship with her grandchildren which is saddening to me. Especially since you've done so much for her when she needed help.

I have a complicated relationship with my own mother and she does have health issues so we don't want to rely on her too much, but she would definitely be there if she could when I asked. My PIL are steady healthwise and have looked after my DC weekly (one afternoon til dinner) for the past 10 yrs. This was in part to allow us to work on that day or to give us a break, but they (grandparents as well as DC's) loved it and it created a bond and a 'second home' my children will cherish forever. They have more grandchildren since so we wanted to give them a break as we didnt need it as much any more with ours getting older etc, but even now, when we ask, they love to have them over.

A lot of typical, working full time/weekend football, pub going, 1960/70s Dads have become hands on granddads. I do the school run/childcare for my GC and there's as many grandads as nans. My Nan had me/us, my mum had mine and I have my grandchildren. Some people are more hands on with grandchildren than with their children.

@Ariel269 that was shit, most people would even help a neighbour out in those circumstances. When you do give any help, do only what you can easily manage and at a time that suits you.

My parents never looked after my children. My mother didn't want to, I don't think she really enjoys children, but more importantly than that they didn't have the confidence. I think they would have but they worried about the responsibility if something happened.

I feel the same - I look after my grandchild 3 mornings a week and he's now 18 months, been walking since 11 months and it's becoming really hard work.
He's just so active and into everything and I have to be on it every second.
It's different looking after someone else's child. It's much more worrisome than looking after your own children, not to mention I'm not 30 any more and have less energy and flexibility at almost 70.

So my experience is opposite to your OP. I got no help from parents and I feel I help my dd quite a lot. But everyone's experience is unique.
I can't imagine not helping out in the circumstance you describe.
Is there a little more to it than you've explained?

I’m afraid I would have reminded her if how much I helped her out in the past 😣

My maternal gran provided a lot of childcare- after school almost every day and even more during the holidays. She did this despite the fact she she still worked part time as a pub cleaner. In fact, sometimes we would go to work with her and play or draw or read in a small area while she did her cleaning. We loved it. Overnights and nights out for my parents not so much. For that we went to my mums sister, our auntie. She and her partner baby sat a lot. She’s like one of my best friends now.

I don’t think my parents provide as much childcare as my gran did, but still a lot. I think it’s more to do with my expectations of them than them not wanting to. I was a lot older when I had my daughter than she was when she had her children- she was 23-27, I was 35. That naturally means she was an older granny than my granny was. My mum is gone now but my dad still provides a sizeable amount of childcare for my daughter and her cousins. My in laws are also deceased and have been since dd was small.
So I think much of them providing less childcare might be due to people having children older, so they are older. Also more women are working whereas in the past grannies were more available for childcare. I also think there are many grans who have a caring role for their parents due to the ageing population. Some of my work colleagues are becoming grans in their sixties but also help look after their own elderly parents, which will impact on time available for childcare. And they are still working!