Childcare from grandparents- your experience vs your child’s experience

[Ariel269]

Growing up my grandparents babysat us all the time- to let my parents go to work, for them to go nights out/date nights, to let them go away for the weekend, sometimes just because.

I hasten to add, my mum and dad’s shifts would overlap at the weekend and I had a younger sister with a big age gap. I would babysit my sister on a Sunday morning-afternoon every week due to this while I lived at home, from when I was a teen . This inevitably meant missing nights out when I got to a certain age as I needed to be up early on the Sunday . When I left home as a student and got a job that involved weekend work, my mum was furious and I would always end up avoiding certain shifts to let me continue to help her with childcare. This meant taking my sister from the Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. This only stopped once I was a qualified nurse and couldn’t avoid these shifts. Miraculously, my mum managed to alter her own hours then.

I now have my own children and don’t really ask for help with childcare. Husband and I both work and sort childcare between us both by working opposite to each other. We have a date night maybe once every 12-18months at most. We have had one night away, for our wedding night. Other than that, I generally only ask for help if it’s really extenuating circumstances like when I was in labour. My mum usually isn’t the one to provide this childcare.

A few weeks back my daughter was hospitalised. I couldn’t stay as the resident parent, as I’m breastfeeding my youngest who is still a small baby. So, husband stayed with her and I would go to the hospital while the rest were at school/nursery and in the evenings. My sister, auntie & uncle, neighbour and friends all chipped in to help, without me needing to ask. On one of the days, we had nobody during the day because everyone was at work. I wanted to be able to attend the ward round (it’s me who generally attends all my daughters appointments due to the way our shifts are, so I know her medical history much more fluently than my husband and it would have been helpful to have me there). My mum was off work and I asked if she could collect my toddler from nursery at lunchtime and sit with her for an hour or two to let me go to ward round. My toddler naps at this time, the nursery is a 3 minute walk from my front door. My mum
herself stays a 5 minute drive from my house. I would have been home within 2 hours max as needed home for school pick up. She said no. She gave no rationale other than it would be “a lot” for her. She is in her late 50’s, physically well and still works etc. she would not have found this physically taxing.

I feel as if there is a huge disconnect between her expectations of childcare when she had us as kids and what she thinks she should provide as a grandparent. I think it bothers me more as I helped her with childcare for years, which was never complained about but was a pain as meant missing friend’s birthday parties, nights out etc if they fell on a Saturday night.

Is this similar to the experiences of others? I feel like everyone else I know has much more help from grandparents.

Neither grandparents lived near, so no childcare help from them , or any other family member. Neighbour used to occasionally babysit.

My children’s grandparents lived nearer. No regular childcare, but occasional babysitting. Never asked or expected them to have my children on a regular basis.

Similar to you op.
I was in hospital and needed emergency childcare for the afternoon for my one very chilled easy child at the time. My mum flat out said no. No reason given although I suspect she was needed for my siblings childcare who she priotises even till this day almost 10 years later.

The corker is that I have provided care for her when she has come out of hospital many times over the years. Plus lots of general life support over the years, paying for things for her.She has often turned nasty towards me so I'm now stepping right back to minimal contact. Throughout she has provided all the childcare in the world to my sibling. We have never had a night away whilst my sibling has had weeks at a time and childfree holidays. Been able to retrain for work which has completely changed their finances plus my mum has helped pay for nursery. I have had to give up work due to my autistic child not being able to access suitable childcare. My sibling also has children with additional needs and has never had to worry for childcare. It's a different world.

It's bizarre the level of golden child dynamic going on. I was practically raised by my grandparents there was never a concern for childcare ever for my parents. I can't imagine that level of freedom.

I stand in line at school and nursery amongst 90% grandparents it's hard not to feel sad that my children don't have grandparent involvement knowing how much It would change their lives. Even just a day out a month christ even being taken out for a hour to get ice cream or something would mean the world to my children.

Just caught up with op’s posts. You parents were out of order not looking after your child in an emergency situation, especially as only in fifties, and no medical reasons not to.

It's a hard question to ask fairly.

Firstly it's probably not a game changer, most of us would choose children without support, we are doing it.

Secondly, if it was a game changer, it is unfair to ask without it being manipulative (intentionally or not). You can have grandkids if you chip in.

Maybe it's a reality and should be OK.

Thirdly, I found it so hard to imagine what having kids would be like. It's life changing. I think my parents might have liked the idea in the abstract too. But the reality is it's a no

Finally, I think that none of need the grandparent support. We are OK. But it's not our intuitive model of what a family is. That causes a sense of "huh", I thought the fundamental relationships and roles were set by the previous generation. Logical that might not be fair, but it's natural to find the discontinuity between generations surprising

When I was born my grandmother was a registered child minder. She didn't have other children but looked after me 5 days a week from being 3 months until I went to school at 5. She then did school pick up 5 days a week and all my holiday care until my sister was born a year later, after which my mum was off for 2 years and then worked part time.

My nana was paid by parents, but has saved all the money they ever paid her and split it between her grandchildren and have it to them on their 18th birthday along with other money and presents. She always said she had never wanted paying and only cared for us because she loved us.

I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents because of how much they looked after me and I visited with them weekly at least all through high school and then as often as I could during uni and beyond. I was devastated when she died 2 years ago, but so lucky to have the time with her I had had.

She was my dad's mum, but my mum really valued the relationship I had with my nana and wanted that with her grandchild. Unfortunately mum still worked full time in the NHS when her first 4 grandchildren were born so was limited in the day to day support she could provide but has them on weekends whenever she can - at her request, not ours (though we do ask her of we have a wedding or such and need a babysitter).

My mum would definitely do more childcare if she had time or we would let her! She very much wants to be remembered like my paternal nana and not her own mum (who loved us but was hands off).

Aww, I would find it hard to let my grandparents look after my kids without me when I'm not working. Work too many hours as it is.

We don’t normally need it. We both work but work opposite shifts to each other/ each others days off. We very very rarely go on date nights etc. when we do, it’s normally because my aunt or friend has given us a voucher for a meal as a gift for Xmas/birthday or concert tickets, and has offered to babysit to let us use it. I have asked for help with childcare when I’ve been in labour, again, this hasn’t been my mum I’ve asked. There is no expectation from anyone for routine childcare and the only reason we needed help was because my daughter was incredibly unwell and was hospitalised, I was looking for help to let me attend the ward round.

My mother had passed away before I had kids and my father was in his 80s. My MIL was 62 and has never helped (or shown interest, to be fair) though she took early retirement aged 50 and is hale & hearty enough to take 3-4 foreign holidays/year. She is just a cold fish and I have no expectations of her. I don’t think that’s a cultural/generational shift, I think it’s individual outlook and circumstances.

Similar experience I looked after younger siblings often .so my parents could go out most weekends . Even tricked me into taking my siblings on holiday by myself when I was 18 my siblings were 10 and 16 at the time . She has hardly watched my kids aged 16 ,20 probably about 5 time if that .

If your parents had such active lives when raising you that they relied so heavily on their parents and you for childcare, it's perhaps a little unrealistic to believe that in their 50s they will suddenly morph into the type of people who will prioritise looking after children who aren't their's over their own lives.
Some people who had a lot of help do pay it forward. Others took a lot of help because they didn't much enjoy childcare themselves.

We spent a lot of time with my parents at my paternal grandparents and would have sleepovers there too whilst my parents went out. We had less time with maternal grandparents.

We used my parents a lot for childcare when the kids were younger. We both work FT and they bridged the gap and helped us avoid putting them in childcare FT. We would pay for their travel on the train down into London, give them a budget for spends etc. They did two days a week but it was more for work cover than socialising (our choice).

My MIL did very little hands on care when the kids were younger. Now I would say the situation is reversed. She is much better with tweens and teenagers and they now choose to stay with her in school holidays / she will take them away for weekends. They have a lot of shared interests though. They still stay with my parents too but it's more equal.

My DM had zero help and is amazing.

My mil has never once offered to look after GC. My DHs aunt describes the GPs as having "raised him". They even cooked for and left it on a friday for the weekend!
She has never changed or burpped them.
She did one or 2 ceremonial bottles and now just wants photos to show her friends!

I definitely hope that I’m the polar opposite when it’s time for me to be a grandparent. I wonder if it is something that shifts depending on your own experience. I suppose, if my mum never struggled to get childcare, she might not realise what it’s like to need it. We genuinely do not mind not having help and feel like if it’s sorted between us both, then there isn’t any chance of it falling through, for example, if my mum was due to babysit then fell ill. However, this is one of the rare times we did need help and I’m not sure what more we could have done differently. I suppose that if it wasn’t breastfeeding, I could have just been the resident parent rather than DH.

A lot would often seem to depend on whether you had family close by.

My DM, born 1918, once married with children, never lived anywhere near either her own parents or her in laws. Nor did any of her siblings.

My own siblings and I are the same - we have never lived anything like near enough for help with childcare. Nothing to do with not getting on, I hasten to add, usually because of where the main earner worked.

I’m surprised as I’m now a grandmother (9 grandkids under 10yrs) and I do a lot of childcare. When dropping or picking up from school I see so many grandparents doing the school run. When I had my kids (in 1980s) I didn’t get much help from my parents.

And perhaps don't have the learnt habits that help them

I do think this is true. She has a very active social life, travels lots, is dating as single at the moment and works full time. But I’m not asking her to help day to day. Im happy with the set up we have in general between myself and my husband. It was just in this situation, I really would have appreciated the help.

Just to add, we have regularly helped our dd, even though we are 60 miles away. Perfectly doable when you have a car, which parents and grandparents didn’t, when we were small enough to need childcare.

I mean its hardly surprising she dumped her own kids of half the time and had little interest in them so why would she suddenly become super gran and care about looking after kids now

That’s awful. You don’t need to back story for you to expect to be a decent person but obviously it makes it all the worse. Sounds like she doesn’t like children (hence palming off your sister to you repeatedly) and is a very selfish person. I’m sorry you were dealt that hand. This is not about you. I’m sure you are lovely and loveable. This is about your mum. I’m sorry.

My grandparents didn't do childcare other than once when my Dad was working full-time and my Mum had to go abroad with work for a week. Never any other times that I can recall

Before we moved, we did childcare frequently, including during children's illnesses (which we then caught of course).

My mum and dad relied on both sets of grandparents A LOT. To the point where both me and my brother actually lived with them for a yr whilst my parents were starting a business etc.
My mum and dad really don't like having both my kids at the same time, they make comments about the inconvenience about collecting them from school a couple of times a week etc.

If I say anything about the comparison on what they expected their parents to do to what they do for my kids they get defensive and say their parents were much younger than they are at the age of the kids...

It's not like they are old, they are on their 60's. It is disappointing

To answer your question, my grandparents were very reluctant to offer any sort of practical help when we were younger. I remember my aunt and uncle babysitting for us once. I have an elder sister with SEN and I suspect my GPs thought she was too difficult to look after. So they just didn’t. My parents juggled everything between them.

My parents and my PILs have also not provided any sort of practical help with our dc. But that’s because we had our dc later in life and by the time we did, all 4 GPs had health problems.

There is a big difference between looking after a toddler if you are a fit and healthy 58 year old compared to a 75 year old with arthritis or undergoing cancer treatment.

I echo @Ariel269what others have posted about your mum needing care later on in life and expecting you to step up. As you always have. You would be wise to think very carefully about this and what this could mean for you and your own family.

I’m not sure if this has been posted already, but I would also question what you were expected to do in the past. The past can not be changed but I would assume that the countless Saturday night to Sunday afternoon babysitting might not always have been for your mum to work.

Fingers crossed that your dd will be back to full health very soon. You were not unreasonable to ask for support in that situation. And it is not surprising that the lack of help has given you a jolt. These experiences tend to make us re-evaluate situations.

DH was looked after a lot by his grandmother. She loved having the kids... his parents had a lot of support. He's an only child and he went to school and then a childminder, and in any holidays and half the weekends, his grandmother had him.

They don't offer any childcare; or actually see their grandchildren at all.

They sent us a photo of a card for our 3 year old's birthday in November. We've not heard from them until today when they've sent a photo of a card for our soon-to-be one year old, and asked their son to photoshop them into a birthday photo so that they can show their friends 😐

They do moan about not seeing DH enough; but he has very little interest in seeing or talking to them given how they are.

I would say it is a personality thing. Your mother never saw that she should have to make sacrifices to have children and doesn't feel she has to make sacrifices as a grandparent i.e. she has always been selfish.
We don't have any help for nights out etc but in laws would take my oldest if we were in a bind e.g. when he was off school unwell and we were both working. I miss date nights a lot!

I think your mum was very cruel but it is her personality so not sure she would change if you raised it with her.