Childcare from grandparents- your experience vs your child’s experience

[Ariel269]

Growing up my grandparents babysat us all the time- to let my parents go to work, for them to go nights out/date nights, to let them go away for the weekend, sometimes just because.

I hasten to add, my mum and dad’s shifts would overlap at the weekend and I had a younger sister with a big age gap. I would babysit my sister on a Sunday morning-afternoon every week due to this while I lived at home, from when I was a teen . This inevitably meant missing nights out when I got to a certain age as I needed to be up early on the Sunday . When I left home as a student and got a job that involved weekend work, my mum was furious and I would always end up avoiding certain shifts to let me continue to help her with childcare. This meant taking my sister from the Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. This only stopped once I was a qualified nurse and couldn’t avoid these shifts. Miraculously, my mum managed to alter her own hours then.

I now have my own children and don’t really ask for help with childcare. Husband and I both work and sort childcare between us both by working opposite to each other. We have a date night maybe once every 12-18months at most. We have had one night away, for our wedding night. Other than that, I generally only ask for help if it’s really extenuating circumstances like when I was in labour. My mum usually isn’t the one to provide this childcare.

A few weeks back my daughter was hospitalised. I couldn’t stay as the resident parent, as I’m breastfeeding my youngest who is still a small baby. So, husband stayed with her and I would go to the hospital while the rest were at school/nursery and in the evenings. My sister, auntie & uncle, neighbour and friends all chipped in to help, without me needing to ask. On one of the days, we had nobody during the day because everyone was at work. I wanted to be able to attend the ward round (it’s me who generally attends all my daughters appointments due to the way our shifts are, so I know her medical history much more fluently than my husband and it would have been helpful to have me there). My mum was off work and I asked if she could collect my toddler from nursery at lunchtime and sit with her for an hour or two to let me go to ward round. My toddler naps at this time, the nursery is a 3 minute walk from my front door. My mum
herself stays a 5 minute drive from my house. I would have been home within 2 hours max as needed home for school pick up. She said no. She gave no rationale other than it would be “a lot” for her. She is in her late 50’s, physically well and still works etc. she would not have found this physically taxing.

I feel as if there is a huge disconnect between her expectations of childcare when she had us as kids and what she thinks she should provide as a grandparent. I think it bothers me more as I helped her with childcare for years, which was never complained about but was a pain as meant missing friend’s birthday parties, nights out etc if they fell on a Saturday night.

Is this similar to the experiences of others? I feel like everyone else I know has much more help from grandparents.

I can understand grandparents who make it clear they can't help (due to health or work etc) but you would usually find they will try their best to help out in an emergency situation. Even those who won't provide regular childcare you would assume wouldn't see their family stuck. However, when you have not only had your grandparents take care of you and then you looking after your sister and missing our on so much, it's utterly selfish. I'd be reminding her of that and not going out of my way to make any effort with her in future.

I’d tell her now how disappointed you are and that she shouldn’t expect help from you when she’s older if she won’t support you in your time of need.

No doubt she’ll want you to drop everything again for her when she’s elderly.

My nana was in her 70s and looked after us alot, for mum's work or so she could go ot and when she had driving lessons. Mum's much younger than her siblings so I was looked after alot by my aunt an uncle, I think I live there for a short while, they talk about it but I don't remember alot from my childhood. My dad's mum looked after all the grandkids loads, but not me as much as I wasn't "real family".

We have 3 sets of grandparents available to us. My mum has babysat eldest once while I worked and called me to pick him up. She has taken him on two day trips. We've never had any other help at all. DSs are 4 and 1.

I would have said yes if my next door neighbour asked me to help to go to other child's ward round. Your mum is being completely unreasonable.

The fact you dont ask much of her for child care and you helped her a lot as a teen make it even worse, but even if that wasnt the case mum is unreasonable.

My mum was a sahp until I was around 8 then she found a job within school hours. My sisters were 14 and 16 so they babysat when my parents went to the pub (twice a week) and in the holidays (3 days a week 9-3) occasionally I went to my dads parents for the day. They were in their 70’s and lived close by although we did not see them loads. My mums mum lived about a thirty min drive away (which seems very far at the time as no one drove and it was two buses) we saw her a few times a year and twice i stayed with her in the holidays for a few days. I stayed home alone from age of 12.

When I had DDs my mil had them whenever we needed (2/3 days a week for work and occasional evenings) plus extra. My mum had health issues and my dad wouldn’t have helped. When I had DS (different dad) dhs parents occasionally have him (like 4/5 times a year) they live a hour away. But we used a nursery when he was little. Similar to my upbringing my DDs were 13 and 15 when he was born and have always helped with babysitting but I pay them and it’s totally optional.

I wasn’t ever a regular child carer for my grandchildren. I was working, elderly parents and a disabled husband.

If people choose to have children, then they need to sort out childcare properly.

People having children later in life than they used to is making a difference. My cousin is about to become a grandmother at 76 and having to say no to pressure from her DD to look after the baby on alternative weeks when DD goes back to work full time. She's just too old for that, though she wants to be involved and help out.

Hopefully, this is aimed at OP's mum rather than at OP. OP was regularly used as childcare for her younger siblings but her mum wouldn't help OP even once in a medical emergency.

Your mum is spoiled and selfish @Ariel269. Surely after years of dancing to her tune, you know that?

My grandparents lived a few minutes walk from us and would come to look after us if needed, or we would go there, but my parents didn't really do nights out or anything. My grandmother couldn't drive and my grandad had to give up driving when I was small, so they wouldn't have taken us far, but they were lovely and would do things like take us for a walk while my mum was cooking Sunday lunch, for example. But my mum didn't work for a lot of my childhood.
I live nearly an hour's drive away from my mum, but she always made an effort to help out when my children were small, although work wise she would only help once a week because of the distance mainly. I didn't expect her to do anything, whatever she did, she offered to.

Sorry to hear that your daughter is unwell op. I would be quite hurt if my mum refused to help with one toddler unless she was very old or infirm.

Yes, my experience with grandparents is different to my own kids. I had a lot of time with my maternal grandparents who would watch us a lot. My mum was a sahm so it was just because or to let my parents go out or go on mini breaks etc.

My mum passed away in her fifties unfortunately, so obviously we don't get much help there (sorry, dark humour but my mum would 100% approve 😄). My dad has never been great with small kids and anyway, he lives overseas (I went away for university and stayed here in Merry Olde Englande).

Dh's parents are nearby and not old, but they are old for their age. They worked till their mid 60s and had their first grandchildren, (sil's kids), in their early fifties, and they helped a lot with those grandchildren, so I they are just done in! We don't get a lot of help from them but they are lovely.

To answer the question you asked - my mum received more help from her mother than she provided to me. She did a little babysitting for my brother who had his earlier than I did and I’m sure she would have babysat for me if I’d asked her too - but I did not consider her physically capable of babysitting by the time I had mine and never asked.

With more people moving away from their families so making babysitting harder and sometimes impossible, women providing more financially to their household budget than their mothers would have, working longer hours and until an older age, and being older on average than their own mothers would have been when providing babysitting for them etc., I expect grandparents now provide a little less care on average than they received. But I don’t think what you have with your mother is due to a generational change - some individuals are takers, and some mothers just don’t really like looking after kids. This has always been true.

I’m sorry your mum is so unsupportive. I would be hurt if my mum had refused in those circumstances as would most.

(I refer to women in this because it was such a gendered role for most people of the current grandparent generation and even more so for their parents generation. Grandfathers today probably provide more babysitting than they received from their own fathers, on average, but it will still pale by comparison to the care grandmothers provide).

I was wondering if there were others in a similar situation and if it’s more a generational thing. Although, I feel like a lot of people I know do get good support from grandparents. No, I didn’t ask my Dad, he lives abroad with his new wife and I think we have seen him twice in the last 7/8 years (both times when he has came back for funerals), possibly longer now I think about it. He hasn’t met several of my children at all and we have very little contact.

My experience is similar to yours OP. My mum lives about 25 minutes away from me, and I have seen her 3 times since Christmas.

When I was a child I was with my grandparents a LOT. Like yours they would provide childcare while my parents worked, I would spend most weekend nights there as I just loved being with my grandparents. They took us on holidays and days out. I would sometimes go to my nanas straight from school and she’d have bought me my favourite treat and I’d have my tea there before going home.

My mum on the other hand, will babysit if I ask her with plenty of notice but she never particularly seems to want to do it. She most recently had them for a couple of hours in the morning while me and DH went to the cinema. She made a point of telling me to not be too long because she was getting her nails done before and had plans after. The time she babysat before this was about a year ago. She never asks to see the DC, never asks if she can have them, never takes them on days out. Then she gets offended when they don’t run up and cuddle her when they do see her.

I also have a big age gap with my younger siblings and provided childcare for them when I was growing up. The whole situation makes me very resentful to be honest and sad that my kids don’t have that wonderful, cuddly second mother figure in their life like I did.

That's really extreme imbalance.

My parents tried to pressure me in to giving them grandparents ,(I did it for my own reasons of course and when I was happy). As soon as I was pregnant, they put in loads of boundaries on childcare and maintained those.

I found the intense messaging on both those fronts surprising because I never asked their opinion on either. They are generally quite controlling and I'm not that controllable.

So they got their wishes and aren't asked to help. They aren't close to my kids either. We work such long hours and want to be with our kids when we aren't working, it doesn't leave much time for grandparents. I used to see my parents more before I was pregnant.

My grandparents seemed very supportive of my parents. They were very flexible and accommodating. My grandparents moved to be closer to us. My mum didn't work but they regularly watched us when they could.

I think my parents were sold the idea that retirement was a life of luxury. They painted a picture of freedom. My grandparents thought retirement was a life of family. Looking at both their experiences, i would choose family. I feel a bit sorry for my parents, they can do their leisure activities when they want and get a tea but to me that feels a bit hollow.

I think your mom is selfish and shortsighted, too.

You helped her with childcare when it wasn’t even your place to do it really. Now she is saying no to helping you. In some years time she will need help from you yourself again as she ages, she is forgetting that. But i bet she will be fully expecting that as you was a ‘helper’ from very early on.

Thank you everyone for your replies. My daughter is now home and doing a lot better, hopefully back to her usual self soon.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole situation over the last few days, now that she is home and things are less hectic feeling. I know grandparents are often retiring later in life than their own parents and lifestyles are so different now. I feel like my grandparents seemed a lot older when they the age my mum is now.
I was probably wondering if it’s generational to try and make myself feel better about it all, as I’ve been upset now I’ve started reflecting on it. Like some of you have pointed out, she will anticipate help as she gets older. The reality is, that will likely be expected from me as there is a big age gap with my younger sister and she will likely be starting out having kids etc and be a lot less available than I will be.

The situation you describe with your own grandparents was so similar to my own- I can remember going after school and being so excited in school all day at the thought of it. I stayed very close to my gran up until she passed away. Whereas my children see my mum a handful of times a year, and I honestly don’t think they would notice if we never saw her again, as awful as that sounds.

I hear you, my grandparents were givers my parents are takers. I still have a relationship with my parents and never fallen out, but DH and I have raised our children with minimal grandparent support from my side. It's okay I've come to terms with it, and think it's healthier for my DC having them at arms length.

My experience is the opposite to yours. Growing up my Dads parents ( his mum actually, his dad was and is useless) my grandma was involved to some extent and would babysit every now and then, but never overnight and only for really special occasions. My mums parents were financially supportive but never babysat ever, genuinely cannot remember one single time my grandad, either one actually, took me out for a day or even an afternoon out. Now I have 3 kids my parents are my rock. They love my children more than I knew grandparents could love their grandchildren. They show up for everything, assemblies, shows, football matches, take me to doctors/hospital appointments. When I had my second and third baby they were there instantly to watch my other children. After my 3rd they would come and take my other two to school for the next week in the mornings so me and DH had that time with baby. Any emergency they are there willingly. More importantly they WANT to spend the time with them, will call and ask to have them as have booked a day out etc, or will talk with my eldest ( 11) and plan a sleepover and then just tell me it’s happening haha! They are incredible and I’m so very lucky and it’s made me realise that I never did have that growing up, and how difficult it must have been for my parents. Im obviously so grateful for the support and tell them all the time how amazing they are, but more than anything I’m just happy they want to do that, and I think if they didn’t want to or it was a boundary of theirs I was crossing I wouldn’t do it, I think it’s important that their feelings are taken into account. Just feel so sad for those who don’t babe that kind of relationship as I know how awful it feels and how much my kids get from their relationship with my parents.

My dad's life goal was to retire early. He's 20 years older than your mum and that was more possible than it for those 50 now - house prices etc.

He was sold the idea that retirement was for leisure.

He saw the joy we brought my grandparents. I think that meant grandkids were on the wish list too.

But my grandparents were brought up during ww2. They valued family over everything. They were happy with a simple life and lots of love.

My grandparents didn't do adventure. My parents do.

It meant that my dad wanted grandkids in theory but wanted the life of leisure and had a clear idea of what that would entail. I think my mum would love to do more but it's restricted by my dad.

It meant there was a very different attitude to me vs my kids. My parents will but then lots of stuff, see them occasionally and not want to do childcare. Lots of boundaries and expectations on me. My grandparents prioritised family and were relaxed and flexible to my parents.

I kind of see it that the flexibility that my grandparents have my parents wasn't an example but an entitlement. They expect me to be as flexible and as accommodating as their parents were to them. So they are the ones with boundaries and expectations in both their relationships with kids and parents, the dynamic didn't shift for them.

When I was very small I got looked after a lot by my grandma or my cousins grandma (they'd take it in turns to look after a bunch of us). Then when we moved to the UK DM was a SAHM, and all the grandparents were in another country.

Now I have DC my DM looks after them a lot, MIL used to look after DS1 one day a week but now we have moved back to my hometown so they see DM more.

I am hoping to have stopped working and be available for babysitting by the time I have grand children...because frankly it sounds more fun than still working in my late 60s!

Sounds like people are experiencing parents doing the opposite from the experience they had. I feel like I would do the opposite to what my parents are doing. Is there something to that?

But if needing childcare from grandparents is what is needed then do people check with their parents before deciding to have children?

It is nice to have but shouldn't be expected

This would be it for me if my Mum did that. My Mum has never done regular childcare due to distance but she is always there without hesitation if we need her in emergency situations for as long as we need. She is late 60's and now does the same for my siblings children. Your Mum has shown her true colours....well arguable she also did by taking massive advantage of you as a teen for her own childcare.