7 year old child left alone whilst dad goes to the shop

[Pinkie89]

My recently turned 7 year old son has just told me that when he’s at his dad’s, he is sometimes left alone whilst dad goes to the shop. Said shop is a 10 min walk each way. So I’m thinking he’s left alone for a minimum of 30mins! Dad closes the curtains and leaves him a key to get out incase there is a fire.
I am in shock! My son can’t use a key at my house, so I doubt he could use one there! Good forbid something happened. I’m questioning my own judgement but surely this isn’t normal/acceptable? What would you do in this situation? I don’t want to ruin the relationship I have with his dad and make things awkward but I don’t feel like this is something I should have to teach him, as a grown man I’d expect him to know this isn’t ok and very dangerous! Also, he has all week to do his shopping! Or he could grow a pair, realise he’s the parent and tell my son he has to go with him!

My Mum recently choked on some popcorn when my Dad was out. It somehow dislodged itself and she thinks it is now in her lung and may need surgery to remove it. She is 66. Should we insist that 66 year olds cannot stay home alone in case they choke?

I thought this was going to be an argument for why chidlren shouldn’t be left alone.

A 66 year old may have the ability to remain calm, unlock the door, and approach a neighbour for help. Or call for help (although they wouldn’t be able to speak, I’m guessing)

A child is likely to panic and suffocate themselves.

I grew up in a village in the 1980's. Our back door was always unlocked when the family was at home and we were free to come and go to play in the garden, go to play with the neighbours, go to the park, village shop, etc.

This will panic some people on here, but I once escaped the house as a toddler and headed to the village shop on my trike to get some sweets (I didn't have any money or understand how shops worked). I was, apparently, returned to my mother by somebody in the village.

7 seems fine to sit and watch a bit of telly for half an hour. My older brother would have been 7 when he used to be trusted with the backdoor key and we used to walk home from school together and wait for our parents to come back from work.

I guess it depends upon the 7 year old, though. If he's the kind of child that's going to play with the fuse box or gas boiler, then it's probably not a good idea.

I started leaving my eldest at about 8 (probably close to 9) while I went to the corner shop but I was probably 10 minutes max. Gradually upped the amount of time until she could be left for an hour or so age 10/11.

So age 7 isn't that far off that I suppose but it's still a bit too young imo.

You can't avoid all risks and by infantilising and coddling your son you are hindering his ability to respond to risks and help himself in an emergency situation. If you wanted to avoid all risk you would need to keep him sealed in the house at all times, which would lead to vitamin D deficiency, obesity and severe social difficulties so that's an even bigger risk.

What if a fire suddenly and randomly starts in between you and your son (or him and his sister, who you seem to have forgotten should not be put in a position of parenting your son) and you cannot get to him, and he is not able to unlock the door and walk out of it? Then it's you who has been irresponsible by not teaching him.

She didn't do any of that, she panicked and (according to her version of events) nearly died. So, we must stop irresponsibly leaving our 66 year olds alone, in case a very rare incident occurs and they panic. Maybe when she's 70 she'll be safe to be left alone?

You need to call social services

Year 6 and year 2 are very different. You should know that, given how far apart 6 and 7 year olds are.

Do you think a 7 yo child wouldn't bother to use a door key or a phone in an emergency the same way they wouldn't bother to brush their teeth?
Really?

Kids aren't morons. It is of course possible for 7 yo kids (as well as 6 yo kids) to do all of these things, and more. They do them, all the time, all over the world, every day. Just maybe not where you are.

Seriously?! You think that there isn't a difference between a 7 year old and a 66 year old being left on their own?!

Don't bother replying as you obviously don't! Bonkers....

Where I live there are two nearby primary schools and a lot of the kids get themselves to and from school alone or with friends. Some are quite little, but they seem to manage.

I have to say I agree
Raising things like Soham murders has nothing to do with leaving 7 yo inside for a relatively short time.
OP keeps saying he was 6 one or two months ago. So what? He’s 7 now and a 7 year old being treated like a toddler.
I’d be more concerned about his mental than physical welfare.
As for involving police or social services, that’s simply ludicrous

It's not about bothering. You want 7 year olds to be competant to do the things you have picked but completely incapable of those that you deem too tricky or 'boring'. 7 year olds can do a lot of things, you're right - a toddler can cook dinner if you train them for long enough but I very much doubt you trained yours to.

If OP had said her son was 8 I have no doubt everyone would be claiming 8 is old enough but 7 isn't. Or if she'd said her kid was 5 suddenly everyone would come out of the woodwork with halcyon tales of getting the bus at 2 and a half. It's nonsense and most of them are fabricated. There'll always be someone who did it earlier or better or fought lions before breakfast - anything really to be a bit special.

For me that's too young to be left at home on his own. I don't know if social services would be interested? Someone has suggested calling them, but I wonder if this would just fall under "difference on parenting styles" rather than actual neglect

I'm saying that a 7 yo is able to manage by themselves for a short period of time, and that reaching for ever wilder suggestions, "What if a burglar breaks in?" "what if there's a fire?" "what if aliens invade and try to take all the children hostage?" Is a ridiculous way to assess risk.

This case was horrific. So so awful. My 7 year old would cause chaos if I left him at home. He would eat all the snacks and probably invite the neighbours over.

It is a fact though that 7 is considered old enough in many countries, especially in countries where 7 is the school starting age as it becomes a defining age, where a child stops being a little under school age child under the care of early childhood education and becomes a big 'schoolager' (as my son calls it) with different expectations of capabilities. Even in Britain there will be parents from those countries who raise their children with that same mindset so of course there will be 7 year olds considered old enough.

It’s not ideal, it’s little bit young especially as a young 7 but depending on the dc it’s not time to panic. Especially as he seems unbothered. A calm chat to say maybe leave it a year or so before considering again for these v short trips and go over some of the skills he needs before doing so again. In the mean time I do think you need to address the fact your da won’t even go downstairs without you which isn’t typical for a 7 yo but is happy to stay completely alone at dads. You state you have anxiety and suspect your ds is picking up on this?!

I'd say 7 was borderline depending on the child. By 7 a child should be able to use a variety of key types and know how to use a landline to call Dad's mobile phone or the emergency services. They should also be able to entertain themselves for 30 minutes without causing a fire, flood or choking to death. When I started leaving my DC alone we went through all sorts of safety "what-if" discussions and established some ground rules.

So I would agree that a calm conversation with Dad needs to happen to discuss the joined up plan for how your DC will get appropriate levels of independence going forward that you are both comfortable with. Kids from separated families need you to be on the same page and work together for the best outcomes. The posters saying call the police or withdraw contact are spectacularly unhelpful.

I also think you should find out the facts first. Is it possible he is just going outside to smoke ?

But I another person curious as to what level of responsibility and independence your son gets to practice. As an example, where I live kids walk to school from aged 6/7 so at 7 my kids walked to school, meeting their friends on the way, and safely crossing the street as needed.
The idea is that you maximise the opportunities that kids get to develop independence, and when you say “he’s not street smart” my question is how has that been allowed to happen and what are you going to do about it.

I wonder if you are catastophising because it’s your ex….. Subconsciously are you wanting to find fault with his parenting?

age 7 yes my child was capable of being alone if I had to pop out in an emergency - it does sound like he is babied at yours - or at least he acts more babyish when he is with you since you say he is too afraid to do downstairs alone at your house but seemingly doesn’t bat an eyelid about being alone for 20 mins at his dads. Could he be picking up on your anxiety?

I agree that you should teach your son how to open the front door, or how to get out of a window in an emergency but it baffles me how some posters think they know you boy better than you do! YOU know if he’s likely to be ok with being left alone for half an hour and if he’d know what to do if something happened.
Mind you, there’s plenty of delusional posters on here who claim to have had to walk 10 miles to school through four feet of snow when they were five.
I’d have a chat with his dad. Mind you, I’d be a bit worried what else he’s cutting corners on if he doesn’t even make sure your son has brushed his teeth!

What year was this? I can only imagine you had neglectful parents who would allow a 7 year old to do this.

Just turned 7 and 5-10 minutes I’d be fine.

But 30 minutes is a long time and the longer young children are left the more likely they are to get bored and try something unadvisable 😂

I’d just open a conversation up with him. If you think he won’t engage with you then just say you heard it from another mum as your ds told theirs and as others beyond you are concerned about you just want to make sure it doesn’t become an issue.

@Soooooo
What the heck?🤣

No, that's absolutely still the case with everyone in my country currently. (And as far as I know from friends from there, in the neighbouring European countries.)