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Original poster

My friend has driven off and left her toddler with me after I refused to babysit…

773 replies

DojaPussy · 27/02/2026 14:15

I have been friends with “Claire” for 10 years, I have no children and she has 4.

Claire struggles with all the children and her DH left her when she was pregnant with the youngest “Barry” who is only 2.
He didn’t want more than 2 kids but a mixture of pressure and “contraceptive failures” led to number 3 where he tried to cope but issued an ultimatum about any more and booked a vasectomy as he said he couldn’t risk Claire getting pregnant on the contraceptive injection again.
Before he could go ahead with it baby Barry was on his way so he packed his bags and left, he sees the two eldest but not the youngest two now.
Claire has only ever half heartedly tried to deny it was on purpose and just said she was 40 and desperately wanted another and was nearly out of time.

Claire is constantly asking me for help with childcare and I’ve helped a bit over the years but I hate it because she’s very soft with the kids and they are a nightmare to look after and I didn’t choose not to have my own to help raise someone else’s!

I’ve been off work this week and have been having a lovely relaxing time with long lie - ins, going to the gym, the hairdresser, seeing friends, hiking and just enjoying free time.
I was supposed to go away for a short break but finances wouldn’t allow it so I’m trying to make up for that with other little treats.
I have a pedicure booked today at 3.45 at local spa hotel round the corner and bought a day pass to use the gym and pool facilities then was meeting a friend for dinner in the hotel restaurant.

Claire asked yesterday if I could look after Barry today because she “has an appointment” I suspect its meeting someone she’s been dating because she’s mentioned before that he works from home Friday mornings then finishes early and she wouldn’t elaborate on the appointment except to say “it’s important”.
I said no I wasn’t watching Barry and told her my plans, she said he could come along and I said absolutely not it wouldn’t be allowed!
She begged me to change plans but I said I’d lose money and I won’t get a chance or have the time to go for a long time - plus I just don’t want to.
Claire slammed the phone down and I thought she had got message.

She turned up at my house about half an hour ago to apologise and I let her in and we had a little chat and after 15 minutes she started begging me to babysit again, I said no again and she started crying hysterically saying she can’t cope anymore, she’s then walked off to her car and got in it and has driven off!

I think the whole performance was planned and I’m not wasting my plans being manipulated into childcare.

I have a few options and looking for advice on what people think I should do next…

I could take Barry to his dads at work but that seems unfair on him,

Take him to her sisters who works from home (another frequent reluctant target for babysitting) in the hope she is in,

take him to my neighbour who is a childminder and see if I can pay her to mind him (and get reimbursed off Claire) I know Claire would normally be against this as she usually doesn’t like leaving kids with people she doesn’t know but after today’s antics I’m not sure she’ll care.

I have so far text Claire and left messages saying I’m ringing the police if she doesn’t come back and if the other options fail how unreasonable would it be to do that? I thought I’d give her half an hour where I have typed out this post and I’ve text her parents and I’m waiting to hear back from them in the hope one of them might be free to collect him.

I’m guessing all the people above have been asked and refused so that makes it trickier.

I’m seething with anger and can’t believe she’s done this. It’s the sort of thing that’s in cheeky fucked legend but you don’t think anyone would do in real life!
It’s lucky we live in a small village where I know most of Claire’s friends and family because if I don’t track someone down Barry is getting dropped at the police station. I’ve wasted so much time on this already.

Changed my name not to be outing but tbh I don’t care if the situation is outing because if Claire didn’t want people to know what’s she’s done then she shouldn’t have done it.

OP posts:
Wiseplumant · 27/02/2026 19:35

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/02/2026 14:29

Apart from anything else, you have an appointment to get to yourself and if you take h8m to the police you’ll never get there.

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I would not apologize to the sister, this is not a situation you have caused, neither has the sister of course.

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 27/02/2026 19:35

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAtLast · 27/02/2026 19:18

No-one has said anything about needing a man's permission to come off the pill. That's a stretch and a half.

Women do have an obligation to tell their partner that they are no longer taking contraception so that he can either choose not to have sex with her any more or to use a condom (which is not a very reliable contraception - 86%) or to get a vasectomy which I would recommend to any man who doesn't want children or doesn't want any more children.

Any woman who pretends to be taking the pill in order to trick her partner into impregnating her is committing intimate partner abuse, just as a man who deliberately punches holes in his condom in order to get his female partner pregnant without her consent is doing.

Edited
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you literally said "Any woman who deliberately comes off the pill or has her coil removed without her partner's consent is an abusive person."

She doesn't need his consent.
The conversation around sex is a different matter and you shouldn't conflate the two.

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 27/02/2026 19:37

Shadowdax16 · 27/02/2026 19:21

While I agree they don’t need permission, it is their responsibility to tell him that the chances of pregnancy are now significantly increased and allow him to make a decision based on that information.

Edited
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That wasn't what was said. I don't disagree that a conversation needs to be had, but that wasn't what i was responding to.

MissRaspberry · 27/02/2026 19:38

DojaPussy · 27/02/2026 15:08

I do have sympathy because he didn’t want two more and made it very very clear that it wasn’t fair to have two more.

They lived in a small two bedroom house with the two eldest opposite sex children sharing a room with bunk beds and Claire didn’t want to go back to work full time after they started school so in an expensive area they would struggle to move.

Her exH works incredibly long hours and since having the children he wanted to reduce them and spend some family time but Claire just didn’t seem bothered about him anymore and she told me he said he felt like he was just there to produce money and sperm and laughed about it and said “that’s about accurate”.

She swore to him that she was happy with two and on the injection, he stayed after it “failed” and baby 3 arrived but was miserable and sleeping on the sofa because he wasn’t allowed in bed whilst she was sleeping with the kids.

With getting pregnant with Barry she said again she was on the injection but it wasn’t possible to get pregnant when breast feeding. Yes he should have checked but he trusted her and booked a vasectomy to be 100% and told her he wouldn’t be around for a 4th, I’d heard that too and believed her.
I don’t think it’s fair to call him a psychopath when he was being sensible not wanting to bring an unwanted child into the world they also had no room or money for!

I’m going to get on with the rest of my day now I can. I will update later but I sadly think the friendship is over.
I have sympathy for the kids but not that much for Claire right now.

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He's definitely not a psychopath but he clearly knew what she was like as he even said himself that he felt like all he was to her was a sperm donor and someone who brings the money into the house. Therefore he must have known after number 3 was produced that she's clearly a prolific liar who will bullshit him to have more babies and convince him that the contraception failed. He should have taken extra precautions too. He should be taking responsibility for all of his kids considering he took no responsibility in preventing the 3rd and 4th kids that he insisted he never wanted. Seems both her and her ex are selfish. Those other two kids must feel really unwanted especially if they see dad only bothering with two out of the four kids and now mummy's palming them off too. They both need to grow up and get a reality check. You've done more than enough for her and if she were my friend I'd be done with her after pulling this stunt she wants to think herself lucky that police and social services haven't taken her kids. The next friend she does this to may not be as nice as you and she'll end up losing her kids if she carries on with this kind of behaviour. Give it a few months and she'll be announcing that she's expecting baby number 5 I bet

MissRaspberry · 27/02/2026 19:40

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 27/02/2026 19:35

you literally said "Any woman who deliberately comes off the pill or has her coil removed without her partner's consent is an abusive person."

She doesn't need his consent.
The conversation around sex is a different matter and you shouldn't conflate the two.

Show quote history

No she doesn't need his consent but he also has the right to know if she's purposely trying to get pregnant all whilst she's telling him that she's taking precautions to prevent it

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAtLast · 27/02/2026 19:41

anterenea · 27/02/2026 18:55

No she isn't - do you realise how much this sort of discourse is patronising and infantilising to men? It is NOT difficult for men who do not want to have any more children not to have them

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Yes she is. It's called IPV - intimate partner violence.
It doesn't matter which one of the two is being deceitful with the other.
It's forcing someone to be a parent against their wishes.
No-one would say that a man sabotaging his partner's contraception or his own was being anything but abusive.
The same is true with a woman who tries to get pregnant knowing that her partner does not want a child or another child.

I don't think a lot of men realise the psychology of women who do this.

I thought it was women from an older generation but there are lots of young women who do it thinking they can be a SAHM forever or because they are afraid their partner will leave them and they think the new baby will "cement" the relationship. It won't. It has the opposite effect and it's not fair on the children.
Also, the women who do this are rarely in a position to support themselves and the children they choose to bring into the world.
They often have mental health issues or are delinquent as OP's friend appears to be - abandoning a 2 year-old so she can make baby number five with her new boyfriend.

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 27/02/2026 19:44

MissRaspberry · 27/02/2026 19:40

No she doesn't need his consent but he also has the right to know if she's purposely trying to get pregnant all whilst she's telling him that she's taking precautions to prevent it

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Why do people keep replying the same thing to me? I already answered this. TWICE.

I never said anything about anyone not needing a conversation. I was responding to the assertion that a woman needs her partners consent.

No she doesn't

JHound · 27/02/2026 19:49

NotTerfNorCis · 27/02/2026 17:34

But he does need to think of his biological children. I can't begin to imagine how odd (and heart-breaking) it would be to grow up rejected by a parent when your bio siblings were accepted, on the basis that you were surplus to design

This happened in a family I know. The bloke (alpha-male type on the surface but unfaithful and druggy) didn't want more than two kids. His wife deliberately got pregnant anyway. He upped and left. It's the eldest kids who remembered him who suffered, especially his son. I don't think the youngest cares or thinks about him at all. His wife later moved on and had a fourth kid with another man.

Did he lose control of his penis?

Oh his kids “remember him” so he completely abandoned them? What a loser.

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAtLast · 27/02/2026 19:52

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 27/02/2026 19:44

Why do people keep replying the same thing to me? I already answered this. TWICE.

I never said anything about anyone not needing a conversation. I was responding to the assertion that a woman needs her partners consent.

No she doesn't

Show quote history

My phrasing was clumsy so point made.
No woman needs a partner's explicit consent to come off the pill.

However, she does need to tell her partner that she is coming off the pill if she intends to have sex with him again to give him the opportunity to use a condom or end the relationship.

Having sex without contraception when your partner has been led to believe you are on the pill is deceptive and abusive.

MrsChristmasHasResigned · 27/02/2026 19:54

DesertRome5 · 27/02/2026 14:27

While anger is understandable, please also consider that there is no way a mother in her right mind would do this. He's 2. And you seem to have a lot of sympathy for a man who abandoned 2 children, that man is a fucking psychopath.

Call the police and social services but reserve some sympathy for your friend who is clearly just not coping.

Sorry but I just dont see it that way. She sounds incredibly selfish - she knew her husband wanted to stop after 2 children and engineered things so she had 4. She is regularly putting on people around her so she can go and meet men. She was told that OP could not babysit and ignored her.

Kokonimater · 27/02/2026 20:00

And poor poor Barry 🥺

whallaloadofbollocks · 27/02/2026 20:00

I’ve been where Claire is. Was abandoned by my ex husband when my twins were a few months old.

I have cried and gone through sleepless nights and then had to get up and get on with the day. Craving just a bit of time to be me, have some fun or excitement in my life and just a break from the norm.

But I have never left my children. Only ever with family and once they were a bit older.

I’m not the “mumsy Mum’ who wraps her kids up in cotton wool, but there’s not a chance I’d be leaving mine with a friend, unannounced and then just vanishing. This woman has some serious front.

Sunshine1500 · 27/02/2026 20:03

dreamiesformolly · 27/02/2026 18:08

This mother isn’t coping. The child could be at risk. Surely you can see that?

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The child wasn’t at risk though. It wasn’t the best time to call the police. Social services getting involved for support yes definitely but no I would not have gotten police to come to get a child in these circumstances.

ChillingWithMySnowmies · 27/02/2026 20:06

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAtLast · 27/02/2026 19:52

My phrasing was clumsy so point made.
No woman needs a partner's explicit consent to come off the pill.

However, she does need to tell her partner that she is coming off the pill if she intends to have sex with him again to give him the opportunity to use a condom or end the relationship.

Having sex without contraception when your partner has been led to believe you are on the pill is deceptive and abusive.

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i absolutely agree.

I was in that situation with my ExH while we were still together. I used to come off the minipill periodically to allow my body to rest and recalibrate.. i always told him because during those periods he was told to not come near me.. and if he couldn't do that, to have the snip because i didn't even want to risk another pregnancy. He chose to have the snip after the second time i did it.

Women who deliberately deceive and outright lie to get pregnant on purpose are absolutely 100% in the wrong.

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAtLast · 27/02/2026 20:08

Tell Claire to get a coil inserted or her tubes tied.
She's not fit to bring any more unfortunate children into the world.
They deserve better.

illbetheresunorrain · 27/02/2026 20:11

Call the police and after they return the child to her, tell her that is the end of Albert road for you and her and if she ever again dump this poor little baby like that, this time would be SS

illbetheresunorrain · 27/02/2026 20:12

whallaloadofbollocks · 27/02/2026 20:00

I’ve been where Claire is. Was abandoned by my ex husband when my twins were a few months old.

I have cried and gone through sleepless nights and then had to get up and get on with the day. Craving just a bit of time to be me, have some fun or excitement in my life and just a break from the norm.

But I have never left my children. Only ever with family and once they were a bit older.

I’m not the “mumsy Mum’ who wraps her kids up in cotton wool, but there’s not a chance I’d be leaving mine with a friend, unannounced and then just vanishing. This woman has some serious front.

some seriously missing front of her skull and her brain is hanging out

Wiseplumant · 27/02/2026 20:16

I think that some women feel validated by having babies, and the attention it gets them. However, as soon as the babies become toddlers they loose interest, or can't relate to the child developing its own personality and get pregnant again, because the pregnancy and baby phase fulfills their own needs. I am not being judgemental of women like this as they often have experienced ACE themselves and need support to get insight into their behaviour and help to stop repeating this pattern.

Ilovepastafortea · 27/02/2026 20:23

I agree with everyone who says to call the police and/or social services. She's obviously struggling & to dump a small child on you is totally unacceptable. She needs support & it's totally unfair to just dump a small child on you.

I suspect this is her motivation in dumping 'Barry' with you is her way of asking for help as she's over-whelmed. & in a strange way she's rather hoping that you will ask for help for her.

UncannyFanny · 27/02/2026 20:25

DojaPussy · 27/02/2026 15:08

I do have sympathy because he didn’t want two more and made it very very clear that it wasn’t fair to have two more.

They lived in a small two bedroom house with the two eldest opposite sex children sharing a room with bunk beds and Claire didn’t want to go back to work full time after they started school so in an expensive area they would struggle to move.

Her exH works incredibly long hours and since having the children he wanted to reduce them and spend some family time but Claire just didn’t seem bothered about him anymore and she told me he said he felt like he was just there to produce money and sperm and laughed about it and said “that’s about accurate”.

She swore to him that she was happy with two and on the injection, he stayed after it “failed” and baby 3 arrived but was miserable and sleeping on the sofa because he wasn’t allowed in bed whilst she was sleeping with the kids.

With getting pregnant with Barry she said again she was on the injection but it wasn’t possible to get pregnant when breast feeding. Yes he should have checked but he trusted her and booked a vasectomy to be 100% and told her he wouldn’t be around for a 4th, I’d heard that too and believed her.
I don’t think it’s fair to call him a psychopath when he was being sensible not wanting to bring an unwanted child into the world they also had no room or money for!

I’m going to get on with the rest of my day now I can. I will update later but I sadly think the friendship is over.
I have sympathy for the kids but not that much for Claire right now.

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I don’t think I could even look at her ever again let alone speak to her. For me after a stunt like this it would definitely be the end of the friendship and I’d make sure she knew it.

YourSassyPanda · 27/02/2026 20:25

This is for social services not the police. Nobody is in immediate danger, the police would either tell you to call SS duty team or if out of hours may attend until SS got there and then afterwards they would put in a referral to SS which you could make yourself anyway.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 27/02/2026 20:27

beadystar · 27/02/2026 15:09

Call social services, call the dad to let him know what has happened, and block her.

Id have called a social worker. But dad has already abandoned two of the children so what would be the point in calling him?

HildegardP · 27/02/2026 20:31

TonTonMacoute · 27/02/2026 14:30

I'm sorry, but a man who has made it perfectly clear that he only wants two children and who has been deceived not once, but twice, by his wife, is not a psychopath. His main mistake was not having had the vasectomy straight away.

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Abstinence & condoms both exist. He merits no sympathy.

Coffeeandbooks88 · 27/02/2026 20:31

TonTonMacoute · 27/02/2026 14:30

I'm sorry, but a man who has made it perfectly clear that he only wants two children and who has been deceived not once, but twice, by his wife, is not a psychopath. His main mistake was not having had the vasectomy straight away.

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Even so you don't pretend those later children don't exist.

Ilovepastafortea · 27/02/2026 20:32

I don’t think I could even look at her ever again let alone speak to her. For me after a stunt like this it would definitely be the end of the friendship and I’d make sure she knew it.

Question DojaPussy: WWYD in this situation? You have a little child dumped on you. OP is looking at how to deal with their immediate situation. I have no doubt that they will never allow this person to pull this stunt again.