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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH said “I’m the main cause of his depression “

121 replies

Needacupofteaandcrackers · 27/02/2026 07:23

Dh says I’m the main cause of his depression. I work full time do food cooking and shopping all chores we have 4 children together, at home 1 starting work others studying. I don’t get on with his family so can only think this is what he is referring to !

OP posts:
Faceon · 27/02/2026 07:24

This reply has been deleted

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Thesofathatwas · 27/02/2026 07:25

You haven’t asked him for any more information or details?

Eng · 27/02/2026 07:25

Tell him to fuck off and find his 'happiness' elsewhere then seeing as it's his responsibility not yours.

What does he actually do for your family?

somanychristmaslights · 27/02/2026 07:25

Tell him off he pops then!

Dolphinnoises · 27/02/2026 07:25

That is a very unfair thing for him to say to you. I’m sorry. I very much doubt it is true.

He may be suffering with his depression but I hope you’ve made clear how hurtful that statement is to you.

SparklyGlitterballs · 27/02/2026 07:29

So is he blaming you for the disconnect with his family? Are they (in his eyes) clear of any blame? It's bad enough if you have no relationship with ILs, but if your DH doesn't have your back and thinks it's all your fault, then this marriage is not likely to last much longer.

Teresavonlichenstein · 27/02/2026 07:30

My ex told me I was the cause of his piles and anger problems because I didn’t get on with his abusive (physically abusive) family 🤪🤥🤬. He told me his piles (which I have had and wouldn’t on anyone) were 100% down to me. We divorced over 10 years ago - he still has anger problems and according to the kids still has problems with piles. He’s still single, still has issues and well I’m not!

SoftIce · 27/02/2026 07:31

It sounds like you resent him and maybe he picks up on that and this is what depresses him?

To be honest, if you do all chores on top of everything else, you have every reason to resent him. I would kick him for that, not for his comment.

Theunamedcat · 27/02/2026 07:34

Well it must be difficult living with someone so competent that they do everything

Sorry that's the best I can come up with

Maybe ask him what he is expecting you to do about it? If its do more then I would split up

Also consider some people with depression lash out and blame others because looking inwards hurts you looking outwards hurts others

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/02/2026 07:36

Is he looking for an excuse to leave? 'Oh, she was making me depressed so I had to leave her.'?

Because this sounds like an excuse that a man who doesn't want to look the bad guy but wants out might give.

Or he might be depressed and unable to see what's really going on in his life. It's hard to tell.

Owly11 · 27/02/2026 07:36

Well the fact you haven't asked him what he means and instead are trying to guess and come onto the internet for an AIBU speaks volumes about the state of your relationship. I suggest you ask him what he means - it's really not fair to blame someone else for one's own mental health unless there is actual abuse going on.

Newthreadnewme11 · 27/02/2026 07:42

He’s lookng for someone/thing to blame, as he can’t face addressing the real cause (whatever that is). My friend’s ex-husband did the same. They weren’t the best match but she certainly didn’t cause his depression!

Itstimeforachangeagain · 27/02/2026 07:43

Surely he didn't just come out with this statement and that was the end of the conversation?

Endofyear · 27/02/2026 07:43

Have you asked him what he thinks you have done to be the main cause of his depression? That would be my first question!

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2026 07:46

Far more context needed. All we can say is that’s a nasty thing to say. Why do you do all the chores?

BollyMolly · 27/02/2026 07:48

Maybe he doesn’t mean you personally, but he doesn’t want family life and the responsibility that comes with it so he sees you as the default person to blame.

ThatCyanCat · 27/02/2026 08:02

Well, clearly that was part of a wider conversation? Do you love him?

Original poster
Needacupofteaandcrackers · 27/02/2026 08:04

Thankyou your question help me get to an understanding. I don’t hate him, we agreed for him to start reducing hrs as doesn’t like his job much so thought that would help. He also said it’s the way I talk to him …. I asked him to pick up some shopping on his way back … and apparently the way I asked was off …. I remember I was in a rush so asked quickly. But I ask too often and rudely … didn’t think I did. Also I dominate the discussion at dinner and give advice….. but otherwise we’d all sit in silence as he looks sad and doesn’t say anything. He says he doesn’t want me to talk…

OP posts:
simpledeer · 27/02/2026 08:05

He sounds draining…

geminicancerean · 27/02/2026 08:07

IME men can get very ‘depressed’ when their wives are busier with kids, house etc. It’s usually because they’re having less sex. I hate writing it out baldly like that but generally IME that’s what it all boils down to. Of course your husband is being ridiculous OP, he may very well be depressed but it’s certainly not because of you.

HootyMcB00b · 27/02/2026 08:08

Can you go to couple's counselling? One thing I've learned is that it's never just one partner who's creating issues - they're created in the dynamic between both partners. Could be useful to get guidance and insight in counselling.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/02/2026 08:09

Needacupofteaandcrackers · 27/02/2026 08:04

Thankyou your question help me get to an understanding. I don’t hate him, we agreed for him to start reducing hrs as doesn’t like his job much so thought that would help. He also said it’s the way I talk to him …. I asked him to pick up some shopping on his way back … and apparently the way I asked was off …. I remember I was in a rush so asked quickly. But I ask too often and rudely … didn’t think I did. Also I dominate the discussion at dinner and give advice….. but otherwise we’d all sit in silence as he looks sad and doesn’t say anything. He says he doesn’t want me to talk…

He doesn't want you to talk? So you sit in silence? Are you allowed to communicate about the children, or is it just when you have something to say that he doesn't want to hear...

Be careful, OP. It might be that he is just a bit down. But I had a now-XH who 'didn't like the way I spoke to him'. It meant that I stopped asking him to do anything (he didn't do a lot to start with) and it meant that he therefore never had to lift a finger because of the way I asked him to help out...

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 27/02/2026 08:11

So the entire family have to sit in silence because he's depressed? Has he been diagnosed with depression or is he telling you he is? There's a difference.
I think he's a controlling twat

HellsBells13 · 27/02/2026 08:12

I'd split up. He does not like you at all.

dudsville · 27/02/2026 08:13

Op, I wouldn't agree to him reducing his hours. If he succeeds in getting you to agree that you are the cause for his depression, then you will agree to him becoming increasingly reliant upon you until you (for his so called wellbeing) get to the point of being unable to leave him because he can't function independently. As he's said this, it's best to end it now, nip it in the bud before it festers further.