DH said “I’m the main cause of his depression “

[Needacupofteaandcrackers]

Dh says I’m the main cause of his depression. I work full time do food cooking and shopping all chores we have 4 children together, at home 1 starting work others studying. I don’t get on with his family so can only think this is what he is referring to !

Womp womp. Not your job to fix him. Tell him to go, your life would probably be easier. And I doubt he would be any happier but at least he can't blame you then

What is he doing to help himself? What responisbiliy does he take for managing his own illness? Is he copping out of the unpleasant aspects of grown up life?

100% this isn't you, it's being a grown up. He wants to run off and be the man child he is. Anyone who was depressed would seek help and take ownership of their wellbeing not blame someone else

is this a reverse?

So you run around like a headless chicken doing everything, trying to keep him happy, wondering how you can get him happier.

does he do that for you op?

maybe start thinking about what you want. Does doing all the work at home for 2 adults, working ooh more hours than the other adult, and not being allowed to talk at the dinner table make you happy?

A friend’s H said this. He had MH issues and was emotionally abusive. After a lot of poor treatment they divorced and she was much happier. He continued to be a poor father.

Is he on medication?

If not, that’s the first point of call.

If he is, keep conversations lighthearted, off stressful topics (or to-do lists, even if not aimed at him) especially at the dinner table. Speak about rubbish, like a funny clip you’ve seen etc..

Day-to-day life is too much for him, so just don’t talk about it. Go for long walks together and chat s**t or stay silent. Nothing really matters other than getting him better.

Doesn’t seem at all likely that his depression is anything to do with you. Either he goes off to the GP and gets some treatment or he needs to
do the experiment - move back to his parents’ or live in a shared flat or something of that kind. This might bring him to the realisation that it is not to do with you. But sitting around demanding that you don’t ask him to do any shopping or indeed talk at all - hard no. Not reasonable requests.

Off he fucks then. I'm not sure if it's just my age and stage of life, but that is my reaction.

What is he bringing? He expects everything brought to him with bells and whistles and gives nothing back by the sounds of it.

I grew up in a house where we behaved as dad needed us to so dad wouldn't be depressed. Mum didn't talk about her cancer treatment at home because it upset him.

She made him leave when I was 10 because something happened that made her see the impact on me and my sibling. I didn't take it well - I was scared for him - but can you imagine the joy I felt the first time I spent my pocket money on me, not him?

He's ill, I get that. But you cannot exist in a situation where all responsibility falls on you and you cannot safely ask him to contribute. Or where you have to be silent at dinner to avoid annoying him.

Just because someone is ill doesn't change the impact of their behaviour. My grandad had severe ptsd from being a prisoner of war. My aunt has brain damage from when he beat her.

You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for you and your children.

I’m reading between the lines of course, but that sounds like ‘Counselling wasn’t helpful, I was expected to work at it’. We all have to take responsibility for our happiness. It’s a give and take, action and reaction process. He will do something that makes him happier, you respond and adjust so that you are also still happy.
Eventually you may find that you can’t both be happy, which is when you split up. He doesn’t get to sit and wait for you to make him happy.

He is not the centre of your attention so he is "depressed" tell him to grow the fuck up, do his share and get involved in family life or bugger off and live on his own. He is not your husband he is your fifth child.

You are not the problem OP.

If you are grumpy or short with him that is a normal human response to working long hours and looking after kids and being tired. A mature response from your H would be to ask if you are ok and if they can help, not to say you cause his depression.

To say you cause his depression is such an awful thing to say someone. To say that you are so terrible you cause a mental illness. He could say I know you're tired but it upsets me when you're short with me. Even just saying that your tone of voice pisses him off would be at least something you can work with. But to say you cause a mental illness that is awful.

LTB - see how depression gets on when he's washing his pants.

Is he being treated for depression? If so what is the treatment? Meds don't work instantly, and it's often hit and miss to find the right sort of meds and treatment. From having a family member with depression I can say that sometimes incessant chatter just fills the head IYSWIM. It's like having cotton wool filling the space apparently. I'm not saying no one should talk, but he might do better being in a quieter place.

I think we need more info before we can jump to a conclusion. All the cheerleaders for break ups on here will pile in on him because that’s what happens, but I’d be talking to him and trying to understand what he means

and is there any truth in what he says? People with depression aren’t rational, so he could be catastrophising small things. If he’s not well and struggling maybe see if between you things can improve rather than just dumping him.

there are some balanced posts saying maybe consider the relationship, of course there are, but there are some that are gleefully advocating breaking up that seem more about what that poster feels than what the op needs…

What is his plan to address his depression that is so severe he has to reduce hours at work and can’t bear his wife speaking to him at dinner? Therapy? Medication? Exercise? Marital Counselling? Divorce? Tell him to let you know when he’s figured it out. But it’s his responsibility, nothing you can do will fix it for him, he has to come up with a plan.

Ah OP I’m so sorry, this is the start of him projecting the stuff he can’t handle the responsibility of (his MH) onto you.
what kind of external help is he getting? Meds alone won’t cut it long term.
it’s extremely common for depression to infiltrate the other partner, id suggest you need to engage in some deep and bravely honest thinking about the current state of your relationship and the family unit. Sometimes we are hooked on the idea of how something is and having noticed a shift in reality. What I’m suggesting is this is likely a miserable and possibly toxic environment for you all.
unless your DH seeks help addressing his deep lying issues pronto and you get some couples therapy I see the path here being that he slowly erodes your sense of self and self worth and that is obviously no good for you but also really bad for your kids so you need to think big picture here.
i was in a marriage that I thought was perfect for a long time and then my DH seemed to wake up one day and not love me any more, was over in an instant. What id missed in all the years of trying to support his poor mental health is that actually he hadn’t been treating me very well and crucially I had been neglecting myself on many levels as his issues were always priority.
life is too short, show yourself some love and put some boundaries in place, he either sorts himself out (which he has a responsibility to do, especially as a parent) or you’re off, give it’s time frame.
good luck OP x

Well of course you are the main cause - how could a miserable, self absorbed man possibly think anything else?

You are the easy target and until he starts looking at himself and stops finger pointing he won't get any better

Tell him to leave then.

Cut him loose OP. Tell him he’s right so off he trots.

No advice but much sympathy.

at the risk of sounding bitter; I presume he would like you to do all housework and childcare, still be super cheerful and interested in having lots of sex, and be fantastically grateful when he does anything or you ask him to pick up some shopping. Honestly , I have no idea

This sounds awful, OP. I think you're being manipulated and controlled. You have already ended up doing most of the work inside and out of the home, with your husband constructing his life from the 'best bits'. Meanwhile he is suppressing your right to express your opinions, to have family mealtime conversations and essentially to speak to him in any way other than he dictates. I would really advise you not to let any of this happen.

If your husband is depressed, what is he doing to help himself (apart from blame you)? Has he spoken to his GP? Sought help via Talking Therapies? I suspect, he's done absolutely nothing (other than blame you!). He refuses to attend couples counselling. What does he propose he does about HIS MH????

By telling you he dislikes the way you speak to him, suggests that he simply wants you to stop asking him to do chores. He wants you on edge thinking about how you're asking, so that eventually you stop asking....which ultimately is his goal. As for talking at the dinner table, are you all supposed to sit and eat in silence????

His reasons aren't reasons, they are excuses. Why are you doing all the chores at home and working full-time? This is extremely unfair. If he's reducing his hours at work, then he starts taking on half of the domestic chores. He doesn't get to reduce his hours and still do zero at home!!

If he won't take on half of the domestic chores and still refuses to engage with a GP/counselling, then I'd be seriously considering ending my marriage.

I really get what you are saying - I always put my DH first and worked around his foibles and moods and he’s not an easy character - found out in 2016 that he had been having an emotional affair back in 2005 for about a year and it was like a light switched on - Im still married but no longer put him first above myself and if I don’t agree with him I speak up - I think a lot of men rule the roost still and it often creeps up, it isn’t always obvious either for some years

My late husband had depression at one point (which he didn't blame me for) and I'm truly shocked at some of the posts on here. It's real, and it's potentially serious.

But back to your situation @Needacupofteaandcrackers . No you're not to blame, and your children need a normal family life, which included chatting about their day over a meal.
But your DH's thinking is disordered, and he needs professional help. You say that counselling wasn't helpful so he doesn't want it, but is he on medication?

Whatever he thinks of you, he also has children and at some point he has to understand that just as he thinks you're causing his depression, his behaviour around the house is affecting his children, and he needs help for himself and for them.

My DH desperately tried to keep family life normal when he was ill, but there were occasional episodes that affected our kids (who were in their late teens when he got ill) and I hate that they happened, as did he. But he got all the help that he could because he wanted to be well and a good dad.

It fits without saying though, that any expressions of how you feel about your on laws need to be kept on the back burner.