Page 4 | DH said “I’m the main cause of his depression “

Needacupofteaandcrackers · 2026-02-27T07:23:02+00:00

Dh says I’m the main cause of his depression. I work full time do food cooking and shopping all chores we have 4 children together, at home 1 starting work others studying. I don’t get on with his family so can only think this is what he is referring to !

Supporting2026 · 27/02/2026 10:13

This seems to be a common theme for some people (and i fear particularly men) - they are very marginally depressed and so find life stressful, and so they do less and less, which undermines their sense of self-worth (because ultimately not doing anything productive does make you less valuable as a member of society), which makes them more depressed, which means they do less... etc. They justify it by convincing themselves that it is just too hard to do what the world expects of them (which to be fair as a parent is a lot) but in that context you doing more and more shines a light on how little they are doing and makes it harder to lie to themselves. The answer in my view is usually they need to do more whether it is work or contributing to home life in some way - but they need to choose to do that and break the negative spiral. In the meantime, it is not your fault and you need to build some resilience because its unlikely to be the last time that your partner who is currently being a weak team member in your family decides to blame you for that and try and make it your fault.

FatTumNoBum · 27/02/2026 10:18

My ex said he was depressed. I think he was trying to lay the foundations because a few weeks later I discovered he was having an affair with a woman at work.

Your relationship doesn’t sound very positive and you’re definitely not responsible for his state of mind, so maybe it’s time to review if it’s worth staying married to him?

Would you be happier overall if he wasn’t hanging around looking miserable and bringing the mood down?

Moveoverdarlin · 27/02/2026 10:24

I’d say ‘Am I? Well there’s an easy solution to that. Off you fuck then’.

CantBreathe90 · 27/02/2026 10:26

Is he doing anything to address his depression, eg taking medication for it?

If you have four older children, they should also be helping with chores, if they're not already. Just as a side. Picking up after four other adults will be wearying on any couple!

Epidote · 27/02/2026 10:30

Eng · 27/02/2026 07:25

Tell him to fuck off and find his 'happiness' elsewhere then seeing as it's his responsibility not yours.

What does he actually do for your family?

💯

RedTulip86 · 27/02/2026 10:32

Surely if you’re causing his depression as he said you should split up?

Seriously OP.

You’re not the one responsible of any adult MH. You’re not their therapist. As a loving spouse you can support them any way you can including getting in touch with professionals to access help and make him get better.

A serious talk is needed. What he said is hurtful like hell. Either he’ll seek professional help and you agree the timeline for that or it’s time for both of you to go separate ways.

You’re not the one to blame for his depression(if he has one) and you’re not his emotional punchbag.At the moment he says and does what he wants and you’re bearing the brunt of it with your MH plummeting

Please take care of yourself 💐

Aluna · 27/02/2026 10:32

Why are you living like this OP - what does he actually bring to your life?

bananafake · 27/02/2026 10:37

Gliblet · 27/02/2026 08:33

The first reaction to feeling depressed is usually for people to try and ignore it. Once it turns out they can't do that, the easiest thing to do next is look for things and people to blame it on, because that's easier and requires less introspection and emotional effort than thinking about what's going on internally. He's tried blaming his job, reduced his hours, and he's still depressed. Now he's blaming you. For other people it might be blaming where they live, moving house, and then finding they're still depressed. Eventually he'll run out of things to blame...

Has he been to the GP for medical support? Has he tried making lifestyle changes that might help him feel better, like diet and exercise improvements?

You can't fix this for him because it's not your fault, and it's not your depression. Be clear with him that you're sorry he's finding things difficult but that isn't your fault, and ask him what he's doing to help himself.

Show quote history

https://therapyinanutshell.com/self-blame/

Actually people with depression are more likely to blame themselves for things going wrong and the self-blame feeds into the depression.

OP I wonder if your husband is passive aggressively trying to manipulate you into thinking you’re in the wrong so you put him and his needs first. You ask less and less of him and you do more to jolly him along. Meanwhile you feel more and more burdened and undermined.

It’s telling to me that he doesn’t think counselling is useful. I think it’s because he doesn’t want to take any responsibility for his own problems and for the issues in your relationship. It’s not a happy situation and I fear he will continue to manipulate you into trying harder while feeling you are at fault for not magically making him happy. The thing is we can’t make anyone happy. We have to do it for ourselves. We can get support and help with this but we need to make our own lives better.

I also think it’s telling that you’ve felt you had to come on here to make sense of it because he won’t communicate what’s going on for him. He doesn’t want you to understand it because that might mean you could work together to actually improve things. But then he wouldn’t be able to abdicate responsibility and blame you for everything.

The Science of Self-Blame and Depression - Therapy in a Nutshell

Are you stuck in a cycle of guilt, self-blame and depression? Do you constantly think, "It’s my fault I feel this way"? In this post I dive deep into the

https://therapyinanutshell.com/self-blame/

Summerhillsquare · 27/02/2026 10:38

geminicancerean · 27/02/2026 08:07

IME men can get very ‘depressed’ when their wives are busier with kids, house etc. It’s usually because they’re having less sex. I hate writing it out baldly like that but generally IME that’s what it all boils down to. Of course your husband is being ridiculous OP, he may very well be depressed but it’s certainly not because of you.

I think they just get grumpy and more mysoginistic as they age too.

sprigatito · 27/02/2026 10:40

Does he mean that you caused his depression, or does he actually mean that it’s your job to solve it for him, because you’re everyone’s mummy and he’s a useless passive manchild who can’t take responsibility for himself?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/02/2026 10:42

Needacupofteaandcrackers · 27/02/2026 08:04

Thankyou your question help me get to an understanding. I don’t hate him, we agreed for him to start reducing hrs as doesn’t like his job much so thought that would help. He also said it’s the way I talk to him …. I asked him to pick up some shopping on his way back … and apparently the way I asked was off …. I remember I was in a rush so asked quickly. But I ask too often and rudely … didn’t think I did. Also I dominate the discussion at dinner and give advice….. but otherwise we’d all sit in silence as he looks sad and doesn’t say anything. He says he doesn’t want me to talk…

Sit down and shut up.

Charming.

You'd be better off without this horrible person

diddl · 27/02/2026 10:43

If you are the main cause of his depression then he needs to leave.

Does he not see his family because of you?(I'm guessing not)

Has he tried looking for other work?

SunshineOnARainyLeith · 27/02/2026 10:45

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 27/02/2026 08:11

So the entire family have to sit in silence because he's depressed? Has he been diagnosed with depression or is he telling you he is? There's a difference.
I think he's a controlling twat

Agreed.

Hellohelga · 27/02/2026 10:47

He sounds like a dead weight. I assume once the kids have left you’ll sell up and split up.

Gettingbysomehow · 27/02/2026 10:50

So basically he doent want to do anything in the house or look after the kids and doesn't want to work either.
And of you dont agree to this then his depression is your fault.
There is no way Id tolerate a man like this in my house.

bananafake · 27/02/2026 10:52

saraclara · 27/02/2026 10:13

My late husband had depression at one point (which he didn't blame me for) and I'm truly shocked at some of the posts on here. It's real, and it's potentially serious.

But back to your situation @Needacupofteaandcrackers . No you're not to blame, and your children need a normal family life, which included chatting about their day over a meal.
But your DH's thinking is disordered, and he needs professional help. You say that counselling wasn't helpful so he doesn't want it, but is he on medication?

Whatever he thinks of you, he also has children and at some point he has to understand that just as he thinks you're causing his depression, his behaviour around the house is affecting his children, and he needs help for himself and for them.

My DH desperately tried to keep family life normal when he was ill, but there were occasional episodes that affected our kids (who were in their late teens when he got ill) and I hate that they happened, as did he. But he got all the help that he could because he wanted to be well and a good dad.

It fits without saying though, that any expressions of how you feel about your on laws need to be kept on the back burner.

Edited

Can’t you see the difference though? Your husband recognised his depression and his responsibility to address it. He also did everything he could to make himself better. He also didn’t blame you for it or tell you to sit in silence or ask you to not make any demands on him. It’s an entirely different situation and you’re projecting.

Happyjoe · 27/02/2026 10:53

I think it's a horrific thing to say to your wife, how cruel.

lessglittermoremud · 27/02/2026 10:54

Are you sure he’s not paving the way to leave/get you to end the relationship?
It sounds like it’s you he’s particularly finding fault with, rather than anything else?
I couldn’t sit in silence at the dinner table and I offer advise/ask about our children’s day etc surely that’s normal?!
When my BIL was depressed (diagnosed by a gp and put on medication) he blamed himself for everything and thought my sister was better off going alone.
He didn’t sit there criticising her and the things she did. It took quite a number of years for him to work through it and is now out the other side.
Your DH seems to be aiming his dissatisfaction at you and doing nothing to help himself.

DeQuin · 27/02/2026 10:55

Telling you not to talk is a massive red flag.

I know a man who left his DW because she was the cause of all his woes. He went to live elsewhere. Then he was made redundant. Did get another job, felt much better. Realised his misery was because of his job, and it had little to do with her and was really sorry and, once he was feeling better, missed her and living with his kids.

Your H needs to own and address his depression and frankly, needs to leave. It's not you, it's him and how he is responding to this situation.

Ceramiq · 27/02/2026 11:03

Not feeling aligned with one's partner can most definitely be a cause of depression. However, it is also very easy to blame one's partner when other issues are also contributing to feeling down about life. Maybe the OP's DH needs to move out temporarily and see whether he gains clarity away from his family?

scottishgirl69 · 27/02/2026 11:13

Owly11 · 27/02/2026 07:36

Well the fact you haven't asked him what he means and instead are trying to guess and come onto the internet for an AIBU speaks volumes about the state of your relationship. I suggest you ask him what he means - it's really not fair to blame someone else for one's own mental health unless there is actual abuse going on.

Lots of people post on here for advice rather than speaking to their partner first

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 27/02/2026 11:14

Moveoverdarlin · 27/02/2026 10:24

I’d say ‘Am I? Well there’s an easy solution to that. Off you fuck then’.

Couldn’t have put it better.

nomas · 27/02/2026 11:16

Tell him to fuck off to his parents.

bigboykitty · 27/02/2026 11:19

I can heartily recommend leaving someone who won't take any responsibility and blames you for everything. My parting words were "you'll have to find someone else to hate now". Why do you think you deserve to be treated like this? What's in it for you? As you're doing all the work now, do you not think your life would be better without him.

atno · 27/02/2026 11:31

My ex had depression like this. He was absolutely fine until I asked him to actually do something, like look for work or do some chores, and then he'd straight away start saying "I'm not feeling very happy at the moment. I'm in a big black hole of despair. It's your fault because x, y, z".

He should leave if he feels like this. And I do wonder if he wants to leave, perhaps has someone else in mind, and he's laying the groundwork by starting to blame you for his depression so he can be blameless when he eventually does go.