Page 2 | DH said “I’m the main cause of his depression “

Needacupofteaandcrackers · 2026-02-27T07:23:02+00:00

Dh says I’m the main cause of his depression. I work full time do food cooking and shopping all chores we have 4 children together, at home 1 starting work others studying. I don’t get on with his family so can only think this is what he is referring to !

adlitem · 27/02/2026 08:14

What do you get from this marriage OP? Are you happy? Do you love him (not hating him doesn't exactly speak to the romantic feelings you have for him)? How long has he been like this?

Let's just assume you are entirely awful and causing his depression (doubt it). what then? Is it on you to change your entire personality or never talk as he is asking?

I would consider some counselling, and tell him in no uncertain terms he needs to seek help for his depression. If he refuses I'd probably leave. Life is too short to live like this OP.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/02/2026 08:15

So you need to ask him what he means and listen to his explanation. You are being very unreasonable not to do that and to go off on a tangent of your own imagination instead.

You may well conclude he’s being very unreasonable but you need to understand why.

FloralSpray · 27/02/2026 08:17

Perhaps he need more to do. Shopping and cleaning will enable him to settle into a routine. That will be therapeutic for him.
Thinking about the needs of others will take his mind off his own problems.
Seriously OP don't let him opt out, it will be bad for everyone.

Notsosweetcaroline · 27/02/2026 08:17

Needacupofteaandcrackers · 27/02/2026 08:04

Thankyou your question help me get to an understanding. I don’t hate him, we agreed for him to start reducing hrs as doesn’t like his job much so thought that would help. He also said it’s the way I talk to him …. I asked him to pick up some shopping on his way back … and apparently the way I asked was off …. I remember I was in a rush so asked quickly. But I ask too often and rudely … didn’t think I did. Also I dominate the discussion at dinner and give advice….. but otherwise we’d all sit in silence as he looks sad and doesn’t say anything. He says he doesn’t want me to talk…

People on here will always attack him and urge you to end your marriage basically,

i will take a more balanced view, is there any truth in his view of the way you talk to him? Do you ask questions of each other, chat, treat each other with respect, support each other emotionally?

Original poster

Needacupofteaandcrackers · 27/02/2026 08:17

The reduced hours has been agreed anyway, I don’t think it would have helped at all to not be supportive on that. When I suggested counselling he refused to go …. we did some early on in marriage and he didn’t think it was helpful, married 27 yrs

OP posts:

Mosman2020 · 27/02/2026 08:18

The trouble is he will find happiness at the moment. He leaves you and all of his adult responsibilities behind him.
That does not mean that you are responsible for his depression at all

Rowley456 · 27/02/2026 08:19

OP I feel for you feeling obligated to carry the conversation at dinner time as he sits there morose and silent. Doesn't sound like much fun at all.....

Eng · 27/02/2026 08:22

Notsosweetcaroline · 27/02/2026 08:17

People on here will always attack him and urge you to end your marriage basically,

i will take a more balanced view, is there any truth in his view of the way you talk to him? Do you ask questions of each other, chat, treat each other with respect, support each other emotionally?

Show quote history

A balanced view would be fine, but I'm not sure where telling your partner that they are the main cause of your depression or telling them not to talk at the dinner table shows respect or emotional support. I say that as a person with diagnosed depression, I don't go around telling my partner it's their fault, I take responsibility for my own health and wellbeing.

Iris2020 · 27/02/2026 08:25

I'm.sorry OP, what a rubbish thing of him.to say. Depression can skew perception and it's likely the case here.
I know my DH doesn't like me organising him although if I didn't nothing would get done - everything needs a prompt. We watched the PIP documentary and he was the one who laughed saying he needs PIP as he "needs prompting" to take a shower and eat.

Can you message him for things like shopping instead? And at lunch explain to him that sitting in silence isn't an option every day ask if a couple of TV tray nights a night would help?

I would be clear that what he said has hurt you deeply, he needs to hear that since you're already carrying the family.

Faceon · 27/02/2026 08:27

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EstherGreenwood63 · 27/02/2026 08:33

Yeah this is a Bye Felipe situation. Get rid of this loser. Come on OP. You can do it. 💪🏼💐

Gliblet · 27/02/2026 08:33

Needacupofteaandcrackers · 27/02/2026 08:04

Thankyou your question help me get to an understanding. I don’t hate him, we agreed for him to start reducing hrs as doesn’t like his job much so thought that would help. He also said it’s the way I talk to him …. I asked him to pick up some shopping on his way back … and apparently the way I asked was off …. I remember I was in a rush so asked quickly. But I ask too often and rudely … didn’t think I did. Also I dominate the discussion at dinner and give advice….. but otherwise we’d all sit in silence as he looks sad and doesn’t say anything. He says he doesn’t want me to talk…

The first reaction to feeling depressed is usually for people to try and ignore it. Once it turns out they can't do that, the easiest thing to do next is look for things and people to blame it on, because that's easier and requires less introspection and emotional effort than thinking about what's going on internally. He's tried blaming his job, reduced his hours, and he's still depressed. Now he's blaming you. For other people it might be blaming where they live, moving house, and then finding they're still depressed. Eventually he'll run out of things to blame...

Has he been to the GP for medical support? Has he tried making lifestyle changes that might help him feel better, like diet and exercise improvements?

You can't fix this for him because it's not your fault, and it's not your depression. Be clear with him that you're sorry he's finding things difficult but that isn't your fault, and ask him what he's doing to help himself.

HailMerry · 27/02/2026 08:39

I hope you have good support OP.

You don’t hate him but do you like him. Love him? Is he a good father at all? If no to those take the out and that mood at the table is gone. If it’s a blip and all from his ill health then maybe you try but that past need for counselling and refusal to engage doesn’t bode well.

Wellthisisdifficult · 27/02/2026 08:40

Needacupofteaandcrackers · 27/02/2026 08:04

Thankyou your question help me get to an understanding. I don’t hate him, we agreed for him to start reducing hrs as doesn’t like his job much so thought that would help. He also said it’s the way I talk to him …. I asked him to pick up some shopping on his way back … and apparently the way I asked was off …. I remember I was in a rush so asked quickly. But I ask too often and rudely … didn’t think I did. Also I dominate the discussion at dinner and give advice….. but otherwise we’d all sit in silence as he looks sad and doesn’t say anything. He says he doesn’t want me to talk…

Maybe he wants to eat his dinner without you rabbiting on. I find it really draining when people need to fill silence. Whats wrong with eating your dinner in silence? Maybe he’s just finding you overbearing?

why don’t you get on with his family?

Ohcrap082024 · 27/02/2026 08:41

He is entitled to think what he thinks and feel what he feels. We all are.

What he is not entitled to do is blame you for his medical condition and the way his life has turned out.

Honestly @Needacupofteaandcrackersthis might be a good time for a trial separation. Tell him that you are very unhappy too and that a 6 month trial separation will help you both work out if you want to stay in the marriage or move on.

Staying married is a choice. Yes, you took your wedding vows of “In sickness and in health”. But now that he is blaming you for his poor mental health, it is probably time to re-evaluate those vows.

Tacohill · 27/02/2026 08:49

You need to sit and have a conversation about the plan moving forward.

It sounds like the relationship is done and it’s time to call it a day.
After 27 years, it is reasonable that you are both different people and want different things now.

It is not ok for you to not get on with his family, be rude or controlling - but you feel like you’re not doing anything wrong and he thinks are you - then where does that leave you both?

This relationship can’t work because you’re both seeing things differently.

Time for a serious conversation about whether you give it one last shot for the next 2 months and both try hard - or just call it a day and start the separation process.

I honestly think you’ll both be happier separating.

BerryTwister · 27/02/2026 08:49

It sounds as if he doesn’t love you any more. Do you still love him? Maybe it’s time to consider separate lives, if marriage counselling isn’t an option.

LarrySherbert · 27/02/2026 08:53

Wellthisisdifficult · 27/02/2026 08:40

Maybe he wants to eat his dinner without you rabbiting on. I find it really draining when people need to fill silence. Whats wrong with eating your dinner in silence? Maybe he’s just finding you overbearing?

why don’t you get on with his family?

Show quote history

That's all very well but it sounds like everyone else does not. Why does what he wants trump everyone else? Let him put ear plugs in if he doesn't want to hear it.

Greenwitchart · 27/02/2026 08:54

He sounds like a draining waste of space. Tell him to leave.

I have had bad periods of depression since I was a teen and I have never seen it as an excuse to be randomly vile to people...instead I know it is my responsibility to try to manage this through medication, counselling and using tools like meditation and physical exercise.

It is not fair on your kids either to walk on egg shells because of their father.

Solost92 · 27/02/2026 08:55

So you fund him, feed him, clean up after him, clothe him. Is it becuase you don't actually wipe his arse for him too?

What does he bring to your life?

DontKnowWhyIfeelLonely · 27/02/2026 09:00

You are run ragged and on top of that he’s pinning his depression on you.

Tell him that because you love him so much, and gave his welfare at heart, he should leave and go find happiness.

Bet he soon changes his tune when he has to work and do his own chores.

My advice would be to go it alone I bet you’ll be happier.

Uticary · 27/02/2026 09:01

What a loser.
Does nothing.
Takes no responsibility for himself.
Confidently blames you because he doesn't like your tone when you ask for a small bit of help.
Reducing hours now?
Total waster.
Mind yourself OP.
He's a man child that you would be better cutting loose.

usedtobeaylis · 27/02/2026 09:02

Is he taking any responsibility at all in his life and in your shared life? It sounds like you're doing everything and he's having a tantrum at being asked to do anything. If he's taking responsibility you can choose to support him in that but if he's just whining and making every your responsibility and your fault - then you don't need that. That's not depression, that's just another dissatisfied man thinking the grass is greener.

TicTac80 · 27/02/2026 09:05

OK, so you work FT, do all the chores, have 4 DC, you talk otherwise there is silence....

He is on reduced hours, does no chores. Does he parent the DC? He doesn't want you to speak...but what is he doing to address his depression? What does he think will work to sort it out? What steps is he taking to sort things/help himself? Is the depression a new thing? Are the DC allowed to talk? If he's working reduced hours, can he not take on some of the chores at home?

I'm jaded and probably have a lot less tolerance than many, but I just think that you must not set fire to yourself to keep someone else warm (I read that on here and I really believe it's true!).

2catsandhappy · 27/02/2026 09:07

what responsibility is he taking for his own mental health care?
A Dr. visit? Hobbies?
Or is his mental care all on you to magically solve @Needacupofteaandcrackers as well as your other duties/jobs/responsibilities?
Take him at his word and leave his dinner in the microwave for him to enjoy where he wants in all the silence he craves.
It is bewildering, unfair and unjust. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. Say too much and you'll be nagging, say less and you'll be uncaring.