Eating beef in the house

[Frazzled252]

Partner is an atheist but was raised Hindu and is very aggressive about me eating beef. I have told him I will eat beef as it’s his belief not mine. I ate it in the house tonight and he has called me an a**ehole and is demanding I throw away the plate and cutlery I ate it on, yet he goes to many restaurants where they serve beef and eats on those plates. AIBU?

Yes, I know but we aren't talking about actual animal welfare here. We are talking about people's sentiments. Yes, it's not like the holy status of cows actually guarantees them proper care but they just aren't seen as a food source. Just as in the UK not everyone who mistreats pets or dogs would be happy to also eat them.

Accidents do happen but in most cases just as people will try not to hit pedestrians walking on the road they will also just drive around the cows and try not to hit them. Sometimes the cows become temporary round abouts 🙂

My extremely unreasonable (if she wasn’t happy, no-one else was allowed to be happy) and extremely devout grandmother tolerated other people eating beef in the house. OP’s atheist british born boyfriend is less tolerant than a 90yr old religious actual Indian woman was.

Because he’s trying to shame OP into complying, which makes him a dickhead, he probably knew calling her a racist would be beyond the pale but he’s bumping up against it isn’t he.

Identity politics, bringing misery to all colours of women equally now. People don’t understand when they support people like OP’s boyfriend and ask her to just ignore or comply it’s even worse for ethnic minority women married to ethnic minority men. Providing cover for males who try to bully their girlfriends and wives because they have some sort of mystical cultural values or religious beliefs harms all women. Normally it’s just women in their own communities.

I think this sort of issue needs to be agreed in advance before you live together.

I am vegetarian, have been so all my adult life and when my second husband planned to move into my house I made it clear that it was a no meat household but I had no problem with him eating meat out of the house.

I could not and would not have meat in my fridge, cooked in my oven or eaten from my plates and if he could not accept that then we wouldn’t have lived together.

He was happy to agree and I was happy that if we ate out in a restaurant together he ate meat if he wanted to.

There are various issues which are deal breakers in relationships. This is definitely a big one for me and not something I would be able to compromise on.

It sounds like it is a deal breaker for you that you can eat beef in the house so up to you to weigh up what is more important.

So what? People feel differently about things and they are allowed to set their own boundaries with regard to what they are willing to tolerate within their own homes.

I'm white British and would not choose to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to eat meat in my home. That's my prerogative.

If a meat eater decided that they didn't want to be in a relationship with me because it was important to them to be able to eat meat at home, that would be their prerogative, and I would absolutely respect their right to make that choice.

In that scenario, it would be for both of us to consider whether or not there was a compromise we could both live with, and if not, then it would be pretty obvious that we were incompatible and we would go our separate ways.

I don't think the OP's ex had any right to dictate what she should or shouldn't eat, but I don't think he was wrong to have his own boundaries around what he could and couldn't live with. Most of us do tbh.

As things turned out, the OP decided that a compromise wasn't desirable and so she walked away. Her prerogative.

He has no business being aggressive or calling you an arsehole

Or telling you what you can eat

You have no business dismissing his cultural boundaries. Cultural habits and beliefs are held as strong as religion. Plenty of MNers freak out about dogs eating from plates / dog bowls in the dishwasher etc. I was brought up not to put pants and socks on the wash with tea towels and still find it a horrible thing to do whether it is ‘rational’ or not.

This sounds like an overall communication / mutual sensitivity/ mutual respect issue.

Because he doesn't have consistent strong feelings about it ,and he's not religious anyway.

The cow is sacred in India and this is something that cuts deeper than religion. It's a way of life for millions of people, regardless of how 'religious' they are. The cow is the 'Gau mata' - the mother of all life. People worship cows and daily acts of feeding them or leaving them water is a form of dharma, even in urban contexts. I'm not Hindu, but spent time in an urban gaushala - which is a cow shelter. Locals come all day to light candles and make offerings etc as puja, but inside the gaushala, they make an eco fertiliser from cow urine; all kinds of foods and face / body products from milk; the dung is burned as cooking fuel; the ash from the dung is used as a detergent; etc etc etc. There is a primary school in the gaushala and the children learn alongside the cows. Nobody notices the smell of the dung, and even if they do it's not regarded as unclean. These kind of practices and reverence for the cow is a way of life for millions which predates religions as we know it, including Christianity. The cow is the life-giver. You don't need to strongly identify as a Hindu to have internalised this. Just like in the West we have internalised other arbitrary ideas about which animals are deemed pets and which are 'cattle.' Cows are highly intelligent beings with strong familial connections. If you actually stop and look into a cows eyes, you see a unique wisdom, as with so many animals. In the West, we only permit their existence as cattle. The beef industry is one of the greatest evils in the world. Cows are just a product. Maybe try talking to your partner, you may gain some different and invaluable perspectives and maybe challenge some things you just take for granted, just 'because.'

My ex husband was Jewish. Completely and utterly unobservant, ate everything, no issues at all. However, when I was pregnant with our first child he suddenly found that the idea of a baby eating pork hugely turned his stomach. Couldn’t explain it rationally, just that it felt monumentally ‘wrong’ and asked, when it came to weaning if we could wait until the baby was at least a year old before introducing pork. No skin off my nose so that’s what we did (pork not being one of the healthiest meats anyway it was probably a good thing in that regard but it did mean a few odd looks from other baby group parents!) Sometimes these cultural/childhood ‘hangovers’ can strike something within us that go against all logic and that’s generally ok (if it’s a food for example!) However if my husband had suddenly decided after living with me for years to unilaterally ban pork for all of us or call me an arsehole because I ate it then that would be a much much bigger problem. It’s a relationship, it should be based on respect, communication and agreed compromise not dictation and name calling

His manner towards you sounds horrible, and so I would be reconsidering the relationship for that reason alone.

Re the beef specifically, it’s not totally unreasonable for him to want to avoid using plates that have touched it in his own home, as it’s clearly a deeply ingrained cultural issue for him, and doesn’t harm anyone for him to avoid it.

As many have said, just have different beef plates and wash them separately.

I am veggie as is Dd and we don’t bother about separate meat plates for DS, but it’s something a person could easily do if they wanted.

I’m not vegetarian or Jewish I’m not sure what you’re referring to?

I am a 'non-practising' Hindu and my husband is white. When I say non-practising I mean I do not pray everyday or go to temple all the time but I follow the religion/culture/religious beliefs, whatever people want to call it.

I do not eat beef or pork. My husband and children eat everything. BUT they do not cook or eat it in the house....it is not about the fact that they eat it outside sat next to me, or that in restaurants they use same plates etc. It is because in the house I know for a fact and i also have my parents who visit and are fully practising Hindus and I have statues in the home. My husband does it out of respect.

When you are with someone of different religion and faith, it is important to respect and compromise. Just eat it outside the home.

I’m half Jewish and veggie. Pork is a big no no for me, not on religious grounds because I’m also atheist but I actually cannot abide the scent of it. As a result DH doesn’t cook it and only eats it when we’re out and about. The smell is just so repulsive and permeates through the house. I think the beef thing is more cultural than religious. I don’t think it’s a big deal for someone not to cook beef personally so I’d say YABU.

I think his beliefs sound a bit irrational regarding use of tablewear. But beliefs often are.

It seems to me that you had the opportunity to spend about £5 to avoid the confrontation knowing that not doing this would cause issues and chose not too.

I suppose there is a greater questionmark over what other beliefs he has that might become apparent as your relationship develops.

Ultimately you don't sound very compromising, and he sounds like he has some issues that he is not willing to compromise on. So the question needs to be asked, are you best suited to one another.

I think you may well have a point, in general. However, I'm concerned that in the UK we let a lot of things go because "they are cultural". The fact is that I have friends who have worked in Saudi and other Muslim countries and accepted they cannot drink there.

The op is clearly white British and her partner is Hindu...so her culture is to eat beef...afterall the French call the English "la roast beefs". So why should his culture trump hers.

Why does she have to compromise to fit his culture, surely he could also compromise to fit hers

Remember he gladly sits next to her in a car when she's big maccing

No cultures need to 'trump' anything @MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack , but if you are living with someone who is vegetarian, or who doesn't eat certain meats - for whatever reason - then you have to accept it and compromise. It's hardly a massive issue for most people - just a conversation.

Yep they can both insist that the other gives in.

And the relationship goes absolutely nowhere.

And if such grief is going to be caused by something so trivial now, probably best to end it before a real problem occurs.

But is it trivial. The hypocrisy shown by the male of the partnership.

I'm not religious but follow my religious rules
I can sit next to you when you eat a beef burger in a car but not our house
You're an arsehole

Sorry but if my partner behaved in such a controlling way...

No it's just refusal on both parties to come to a reasonable compromise. Which is what successful relationships are all about.

Clearly neither party feels its worth making the accommodations to save the relationship. So if it doesn't end here it will end on something else pretty rapidly.

I am still flummoxed as to how this was never discussed in advance of moving in together!

Agreed. It all hinges on what (if anything) was discussed and agreed before. And given OP has studiously avoided all posts where posters have asked what was discussed I think I know the answer.

What a bonkers thing to say. Everybody is allowed boundaries as to what they will and will not permit in their home and age is irrelevant to that.

Who said anything about one culture trumping another?

What I said is that people get to decide on their own boundaries - whether religious, cultural or just personal. Each individual gets to decide what is important to them and what they are willing to tolerate.

Where people have very different boundaries, they have to decide whether there is a compromise that will work for both of them, or whether one person is willing to make changes for the benefit of the other. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. If they can't find a mutually acceptable way forward, then they are incompatible and they should go their separate ways.

I agree that these things aren't a massive issue for most couples - in a situation like this, it is very likely that, either the non-beef eater might agree to tolerate having beef in their home after all, or the beef eater might just agree not to eat it, or else they may reach some sort of compromise involving the frequency of beef eating permitted or separate plates or beef in certain forms only or whatever. But if each partner decides that the issue is not something that they are able to tolerate or compromise on, then that is their prerogative. Neither is wrong to feel what they feel.

OP is not white British and your comparison makes no sense.

What is there to “let go”? People are allowed to set whatever boundaries they wish in their own home.

The culture thing is a red herring in this regard. It’s just people trying to understand his aversion to beef in his home.