Eating beef in the house

[Frazzled252]

Partner is an atheist but was raised Hindu and is very aggressive about me eating beef. I have told him I will eat beef as it’s his belief not mine. I ate it in the house tonight and he has called me an a**ehole and is demanding I throw away the plate and cutlery I ate it on, yet he goes to many restaurants where they serve beef and eats on those plates. AIBU?

He's an ass.
Kick him into orbit.
This won't work out.

I had a colleague like him once who lectured me constantly on the evilness of eating meat including once when we were in a restaurant trying to order food...
As a result, I ordered a nice big steak and instead of my usual medium-rare asked for rare so it bled all over the plate and I've never enjoyed a steak as much.

He's being ridiculous. I'm vegan but the plates etc in my house get used for meat. They get washed! He's especially ridiculous as he's atheist, so how does he justify this stance?

I wouldn't tolerate this, he sounds awful.

Some people, and I'm not saying you're BF is, use this as a sort of control over others.
Ask me how I know. Honestly I would be reassessing the relationship.

Throw out the man and keep the plate.

As a Hindu myself, I can see both sides here.

I do feel this was a conversation that should have been had before you both moved in together. Ofc nothing can be done about that.

I think it’s fair of him to ask this as most Hindus do not accept having beef in their home, religious or not. It can also be about the way someone has been raised and a core value instilled in them. I don’t agree with the name-calling however!

I think if you value your relationship, a compromise has to be made - he has not asked you to stop eating beef around him completely (which many Hindu people would of their partner) so I think that’s a compromise on his part. Perhaps you could
compromise in return and not eat beef at home?

Have you posted about this before?

If you’re not particularly observant then what’s the issue with pork? It sounds more like a control issue.

Because all relationships, but especially intercultural relationships, require mutual respect, understanding and compromise.

I don't think the OP's partner should be able to dictate what she eats, and I am not justifying his behaviour. However, I also think that the OP should respect his wish not to have beef in the home - she can still eat it when she is out and about, so she wouldn't be giving it up entirely.

In some cultures, it is normal to eat dog. I don't think it would be unreasonable for a British person in a relationship with someone from one of those countries to request that they don't eat dog in the house. Do you?

Sounds like you are not compatible.

I was going to ask this.

I don’t eat pork and would not want it on plates / utensils / crockery in my home (although had to suck it up in houseshares. I could never be in a relationship with a man where that would be a non-starter. How did it even get to this point?

If it was me, he’d be gone quicker than he could say beef! You are correct, it’s his choice not to eat beef, not yours, and he VVVVVVV unreasonable to think he can control what you eat in your own home and call you an arsehole for it. He’s the arsehole here.

He’s not unreasonable to have his own beliefs and to not eat beef but if he can’t live with someone who wants to eat it, then you’re not compatible. You need to split.

It’s not a control issue. She was upfront and he could have easily not dated / married her.

There are different issues here. How your partner dealt with his upset is definitely not acceptable, and not how anyone should be trying to resolve an issue in a relationship.

Separately, it sounds like he has a fairly deep seated revulsion to beef, due to his cultural upbringing despite not having any current religious objection to it. It is surprising that this hasn't been an issue before in your relationship. If he finds it that repulsive, then you eating it in the house is going to be difficult for him to deal with. Have you really not ever discussed this before?

Now being an Atheist doesn't mean he likes the idea of meat on the plates and cutlery some people really can't stand the idea of it whether for religious reasons or otherwise (some vegetarians get really upset about this sort of thing). Get your own plate and cutlery only for you eating meat.

Could you come to a compromise that you have a certain plate for beef. One he will not use and is just for you?
He can’t dictate what you eat, you told him clearly they are his beliefs not yours so he is unreasonable to be so angry at you as he knew how you felt however if it’s a relationship you plan to stay in then a compromise is the only way

My husband is Muslim. As long as I wash up he's not offended by me eating a bacon sandwich when I'm hungover...

And when he called you that you packed his bags I hope. Don't let him abuse you

OP hasn't said he asked nicely. She's said they disagree on the issue, it appears they got married anyway, and describes aggressive behaviour from him when she does something she never agreed not to do anyway. There's nothing about asking nicely in here at all.

I don't think it matters that he is an atheist. It is cultural as much as it is religious.

He sounds aggressive and nasty, and you sound inconsiderate.

I think relationships should be about compromise on both sides. I'm Jewish, don't eat pork and never have. But DH isn't, and eats it regularly. If he wants bacon for breakfast in our house, fair enough. He's not making me eat it.

The thing is, it's very individual. You don't mind having pork in the house. Some people would. Neither stance is wrong.

I wouldn't want to live with someone who ate meat at home. I wouldn't be at all worried about them eating it outside the house, but I wouldn't want it in my kitchen.

It isn't about being controlling, it is about setting my own boundaries. If I were in a relationship with someone who felt strongly that they did want to eat meat at home, then I wouldn't think they were wrong to feel like that, but I would conclude that we were incompatible.

Luckily my DH is vegetarian!

Like 90% of people…should have discussed it first. DH atheist but muslim background. I’m veggie. We made our rules and stick by them or have friendly discussions.

When I was pregnant I went upstairs and turned on all the fans a few days a week when he and DS were having meat or fish or eggs. We do buy pepperoni pizza for our kids but they eat it from the box or on paper towels as it would be disrespectful to some relatives to serve them from a kitchen that handles pork.

He doesn’t mind her eating it but he doesn’t want to eat off the same plates/cutlery.

A different colour plate/cutlery set for beef would be a good compromise.

He sounds vile! My friend is Hindu and says she never has a problem with people eating beef.

I'm an atheist who doesn't eat pork or pork products and I think he's being controlling and too aggressive. I can't stop my husband eating pork if he chooses to do so, even though I hate it, it's nasty. Calling you an arsehole shows a significant lack of respect. I would not tolerate that. Not a chance.

I'm not entirely convinced he's an atheist.