MIL planning her own party and didn’t invite me!

[ImaMothertoo]

MIL has planned a Mother’s Day afternoon tea party for herself.

She called dh to invite him today and made it clear the invite is ONLY for him ! He’s one of 5. She only wants her dc there ! Told him she’s arranged it early so that nobody else makes plans and we (the partners) all have notice 😂😂 she’s mad !

He told her that he already has plans and he will pop round the day before with her gifts !

AIBU to think she’s really rude to do this !

I have spent the last 5 years having MIL visiting over Mothers Day.

It falls around the time of DH's birthday, and she has always managed to book out visiting the week that includes Mothers Day. Which has ended up being a day of doing what she wants. And me, wrangling the kids. Even when Mothers Day is a good time after DH's birthday, she has managed to book that week.

My DM lives the same distance away, but still works. And we get told in early Jan, that MIL has booked up to visit, at which point. I can't then visit my DM.

We've 2 small children.

This year, on Mothers Day, I shall be running a half marathon. For me. Something I want to do. I shall relish every moment, wave to my DC and enjoy not having to be in charge.

I booked it in October last year.

YANBU, OP. I love my children, but I would much rather have my DH present and engaged, rather than it being me, solo wrangling, like any other afternoon.

Maybe she’s just a mum who wants to do something on Mother’s Day? Has anyone done things for her recently? I wonder if she’s feeling a bit unloved and left out?

yes it’s probably strange not inviting partners and kids but that sounds like a lot of people and not what she wanted. She’s a mum too. Is it all day? Could it be a couple of hours with you and a couple of hours with her?

Go to the park.

People on mumsnet seem to think if it’s not a big deal to them then it’s almost alien that anyone else would care! For some of us Mother’s Day is lovely and in some cases extra special for those who have lost their mum or struggled to become a mum.

My children always want to make it special. For that they sometimes need dad’s help/credit card and ability to carry up my breakfast tray.

If it makes you feel good to be shitty to people on the internet then I hope this interaction has helped.

My DH isn’t perfect, and it’s an open forum so I didn’t butt into anything if you want a private audience with the Op, go send her a DM.

I’d say don’t bother responding to me, but you strike me as the type that desperately needs the last word. But I’m done with this so I won’t be responding again.

Presumably you think MIL is nuts then for wanting all 5 of her children to leave their families for a tea party dedicated to her as a mother (at the exclusion of all others)? She should be happy with a card.

Yes, I said posts ago I thought it was far more funny that rude or offensive.

If she wants a big fuss that's fine. If OP wants a big fuss there's fine too but it creates a conflict. For me there would be no conflict because I wouldn't care.

The point is I don't think wife trumps mum for the man in the scenario and it's completely reasonable that he prioritises his actual mother on mother's day if he wants to.

Do you say that to your friends when they have a month old baby too? That you’re all mums and they need to get over themselves?

it is a very different life stage to have babies and young children to grown up adults.

And what about if the MIL had struggled to conceive, or has sadly had a miscarriage?

Some of us just think it’s not the worst thing in the world that a mother would want to see her children alone for a few hours. And for people to come on here calling her entitled/selfish/narcissistic/insane just seems like a massive overreaction to something that isn’t even going to happen.

For anyone who doesn’t get it, especially if you don’t have children: the whole point of contemporary Mother’s Day is for mothers of small children to be , for one day a year, pampered and given a break. Everything else is secondary to that. I’m not bothered about Mother’s Day now my kids are grown up, but I was really really bothered about it when my children were tiny and I was exhausted and doing everything. The mothers of small children get priority. All other mothers rank after this in priority . Any MIL who doesn’t get that is selfish. Surely everyone here knows this really and some here are just being goady.

The fact that they should prioritise spending Mother's Day with their own children and/or with their children's mother?

There's a difference between "I would like to do this, are you free?" and "I have arranged all this with expectations that you will leave behind your partner's and have not checked if you have plans."

I think, if I'm correct, that's the sentiment driving the negativity towards MIL. Not that fact she wants to have quality time with her children or to feel special as a Mum.

Well. For me there's a big difference anyway. I wouldn't make any plans with anyone like this!

I can't see the relevance of any MiL's putative miscarriage or struggle to conceive, given that by definition she has become a mother. I had two miscarriages thirty years ago, it's never once occurred to me for a moment that that entitles me to extra attention from my children now. It's lovely to see them or hear from them on the day, but I certainly expect them to prioritise being with their own children.

In my family this would be fine. About once a year us three adult kids go out for lunch or an afternoon tea with Mum. It's lovely for her and we really enjoy it. No harm in leaving the spouses and children at home occasionally. It's a different dynamic without them. I think you're making a fuss about nothing and being mean op.

The person I quoted said MD was extra special for some people who had struggled to conceive or had lost their mum. My point being that maybe the op’s mil had also suffered those things so the day is extra special to her?

Nope, a mother of 2 young kids and who solo parents a lot due to DH’s job. Still don’t have an issue with my DH seeing his mum alone on Mother’s Day.

Yeah, that's exactly like having time to sit in a calm environment and have quality time with the five people she loves most. And which there would never be the opportunity to do unless she arranges it. Normal life is never going to give her that space.

Yes, it should have been a question "this is what I'd really like to book for the six of us, are you available?" but it's really not unreasonable.

My in-laws lived nearly three hours away, and it eventually dawned on me that they never got their son to themselves. Due to the distance, we'd go up regularly for a few days as a family, but that's very different. So I encouraged my DH to go up on his own occasionally.
I adored my MIL, so it wasn't a cop-out on my part. But I recognised that she loved him every bit as much as I loved my kids. And that it would be nice for her (and my FIL when he was alive) to have him to themselves.

If you read the first post the op says ‘mil called DH today to INVITE him’ so it wasn’t a summons or a demand as people have claimed on this thread. She told him she’d arranged it early so the partners had notice and it wasn’t last minute. Which again isn’t unreasonable. But it was an invite that the op’s DH was clearly able to turn down.

But she's not your mother, OP! As it's a Mother's Day thing, it seems logical that she has just invited her kids. Most people would be thrilled to be let off the hook in this way, and not have to go out with the ma-in-law..... you can just stay at home in your PJs, lie on the sofa and have a drink/chocolate/whatever. Result!

I'd be interested to know what the phone conversation actually was, and what wording she used. This is a bit of a Chinese whispers situation as we only have OP 's version of what MIL said to DH. It might even be that she's booked to hold a table temporarily while she consults with her kids on their availability.

If you have 5 kids, having to have 5 partners and then kids as well is a big difference as to whether you can manage hosting / organising for that number. If it doesn't happen regularly I don't see the big deal, and seems a nice thing to do.

I’d understand this viewpoint if the three grandchildren were invited as well, but how much rest and relaxation is the OP going to get when her DH is off having an easy adult dinner and she’s at home entertaining three primary age DC?

Presumably that’s because Mother’s Day has no relevance to you and you don’t give a shit about it. Both the OP and her MIL clearly feel differently.

Mother’s Day is for moms & small kids after that do as you please.

Love her spirt all the same (glad she isn’t my mil)

@MynameisJune

I guess this is where interpretation matters. Why even state she's done it early so noone else makes plans. What type of husband wouldn't make plans for his wife on Mother's Day.

You're correct, invite not a summons. But one the son has happily declined and again, it doesn't come across as if he's sad about it.

As I said previously, I just wouldn't make plans with anyone in this manner. So I can only see that it's less than ideal to arrange something that leaves OP parenting 3 very young children on a day where she'd maybe like to put her feet up.