AIBU - not invited to friend's wedding

[Grovescamp15]

My friend and ex work colleague is getting married this year. We aren't super close but get together outside of work now and again, and worked together for several years until she went on maternity leave then I went on maternity leave just as she returned to work recently. Also, for context, I went to school with her fiancé and I was the one who introduced them, but I wouldn't say I'm 'friends' with him as such, more someone I would just say hi to when I saw him.

Anyway, when she got engaged last year she was talking about the hen do and the wedding as if I would be there and asking my opinion on outfits etc so I (perhaps wrongly) assumed I would be invited.

She has her hen party coming up and it became clear a little while ago I'm not invited - no big deal, I thought she is probably keeping it for close friends/family. Then, speaking to a mutual colleague a few weeks ago, I realise the invites for the wedding were sent out electronically and I haven't been sent one. I met with the friend getting married and a mutual colleague for coffee yesterday and asked about the wedding (how plans are going etc). They looked awkwardly at each other and changed the subject. Later, when the friend went to the toilet the colleague told me our friend feels bad but I'm not invited to the wedding as I'm on maternity leave so she doesn't see me as much anymore. The rest of our colleagues are invited.

AIBU to be hurt by this? She could have at least just told me this herself, I understand weddings are expensive but she has invited colleagues who I would say aren't as 'close' as we are, including the woman covering my maternity leave who only started a few months ago!

If you've not kept in touch much with her whilst on maternity leave then YABU.

Weddings have limits and there has to be a cut off point. Relationships change with time.

Yanbu. It is really hurtful to be excluding you like this, and also to let you find out second hand.

I can understand why it might sting but YABU as you're not close.

It would be a lot more awkward to not invite colleagues who she actually works with, than to not invite you.

There needs to be a cut off somewhere.

You don’t really keep in touch but expect to go to her wedding?

What now, who on earth messages every acquaintance to say you are not invited,

Initially I was going to say that I think it’s fair enough you’re not invited if you don’t see each other much but then you said all your other colleagues are invited and you’ve been left out because you’re on maternity - that’s pretty shitty!

I have met up with her twice since I went on maternity leave 3 months ago. Once to drop off a Christmas present for her son and once 2 weeks after my baby was born when she met him etc. I do get there's a cut off but I feel like I'm being excluded solely because I'm on maternity leave and she doesn't see me everyday anymore whereas other people who she barely knows are invited.

She’s been not invited as they haven’t stayed in touch, nor as she’s on maternity.

She is hardly an acquaintance. She describes her as a friend with whom she has discussed a lot of wedding plans.

She also says she’s not kept in touch and fhey aren’t close.

I don't know where I said we don't keep in touch? I just said we aren't super close as in, I wouldnt expect to be a bridesmaid and wouldn't even be offended not being invited to the ceremony. We text regularly and I still respond to our work WhatsApp group etc. I've seen her twice in the last three months before we got together yesterday so 3 times in three months. We've worked together before mat. leaves for over 6 years.

Sorry OP I can understand this stings a bit but no one owes anyone an invite to a wedding, its always only the couples choices etc. I'd be a little upset yes but she's done nothing wrong and doesnt deserve any anger or bitterness.

She hasn't said that at all!

Posters are being deliberately disingenuous.

Someone you thought was a good friend clearly isn’t. You know now that she’s not bothered about you so time to stop the Christmas presents etc

OP, read what you have said -

“We aren't super close”
”I wouldn't say I'm 'friends' with him as such”
”it became clear a little while ago I'm not invited (to the hen)”

So why on earth are you now all bent out of shape and taking exception over the fact that you haven’t been invited to the wedding? The guest list is every bride’s nightmare - unless it’s a very big wedding, there are always more people deserving of an invitation than there are places, and a line has to be drawn somewhere. As you are on maternity leave, she probably thought it would be fine not to invite you, whereas your maternity replacement who’s in the office with her every day might be a little more problematic. Don’t take exception - you’re not bosom buddies, and don’t make her feel awkward (or indeed be hurt) about the fact that you didn’t make the cut. If you have a partner and a baby, she may well have been thinking it would be three places rather than one - weddings are very expensive. Just move on, and if you do consider yourself her friend, send her a card when she gets married.

I would say I'm friends with the bride but not super close as in best friends, texting every day type of friends. Her husband to be no I'm not friends with him really but neither are the rest of our colleagues other than her best friend who we also work with.
I can completely understand if the numbers didn't work out for whatever reason that she may not have been able to invite me. I just feel a little hurt that colleagues who she's known for months will be there and I've been overlooked due to maternity as I'm pretty sure if I wasn't on mat. Leave I would have been invited too from what has been said. I'm not angry or 'taking exception' as such, it is her wedding and none of my business really at the end of the day. Ai just felt hurt and wondered if others would feel the same way or perhaps I'm being a little sensitive.

Someone who is close enough to you that they bring Christmas presents for your child and who you visit mere weeks after they’ve given birth to meet the baby. Is someone you’re close enough to, to invite to your wedding.

She’s clearly doesn’t see you as a friend so pull back now and leave her to it.

I think you're perhaps right and she doesn't she me as a friend as I see her. At least I know where I stand now I suppose!

I don't understand why people are misunderstanding you. I think it's really poor behaviour, especially given that you see each other and actually introduced them.

You could excuse almost everything except inviting the person who's covering your maternity leave, which feels like a really low blow.

I'm sorry, OP. Friends being shitty really sucks, but now you know, treat her the way she treats you xx

Working in an environment where we rotated, met few women that would just move on with friendships. I was quite hurt initially but saw over time they did it again & again as soon as they moved area they had a new BF. Try not to take personally but put a bit of distance between you & her. They are users, if anything it shows what a good person you are that’s why they chose you, not sure if this is helped sending hugs.

Thanks so much for your kindness. Maybe I didn't write what I meant very clearly or because it's long people skim and don't read all the information 🤷🏼‍♀️

Thank you, I think I will just take it as a learning curve and maybe not make as much effort as I have been. It's usually me that suggests meeting up etc. I just hope it's not awkward when I return to work at the end of the year as it will have just been her wedding when I return 😬

Thank so much that does help to know it's not just me!

I’m surprised you’re surprised

The three occasions in 3 months… who initiated contact? First being you dropped Christmas present at hers. Did she give you one? next being you met her baby (alone or with others?) and yesterday with a mutual friend

So if you worked with someone for over 6 years, introduced them to their now fiancé, bought birthday and Christmas presents every year for them and now their child, talked about their hen party and wedding with them and they even joked you should make a speech to tell the story of how they met, you wouldn't then be a little surprised you weren't even invited to the evening reception, even though your maternity leave replacement who they've known for a few months is invited?

You don't have to agree but you could at least be kind about it.