AIBU - not invited to friend's wedding

[Grovescamp15]

My friend and ex work colleague is getting married this year. We aren't super close but get together outside of work now and again, and worked together for several years until she went on maternity leave then I went on maternity leave just as she returned to work recently. Also, for context, I went to school with her fiancé and I was the one who introduced them, but I wouldn't say I'm 'friends' with him as such, more someone I would just say hi to when I saw him.

Anyway, when she got engaged last year she was talking about the hen do and the wedding as if I would be there and asking my opinion on outfits etc so I (perhaps wrongly) assumed I would be invited.

She has her hen party coming up and it became clear a little while ago I'm not invited - no big deal, I thought she is probably keeping it for close friends/family. Then, speaking to a mutual colleague a few weeks ago, I realise the invites for the wedding were sent out electronically and I haven't been sent one. I met with the friend getting married and a mutual colleague for coffee yesterday and asked about the wedding (how plans are going etc). They looked awkwardly at each other and changed the subject. Later, when the friend went to the toilet the colleague told me our friend feels bad but I'm not invited to the wedding as I'm on maternity leave so she doesn't see me as much anymore. The rest of our colleagues are invited.

AIBU to be hurt by this? She could have at least just told me this herself, I understand weddings are expensive but she has invited colleagues who I would say aren't as 'close' as we are, including the woman covering my maternity leave who only started a few months ago!

Yes, this is what it sounds like to me. The friendship is a bigger deal to the OP than it is to the other woman. The basis on which she’d have been inviting her to the wedding would have been because she was a member of the same small work team, not their relationship as such, and when she decided to invite the maternity cover on that grounds, it meant she’d used that place.

I’d feel the same as you I think, yes it’s her wedding but no-one likes to be excluded. Turn it into a positive & be glad you have no worries about childcare arrangements for the hen & wedding, what to wear, money saved on gifts, clothes etc. She will possibly feel more awkward than you on your return to work if she’s already feeling bad - let it be her problem, not yours. Enjoy your maternity leave x

I don't think so. We were friends at primary school and just lost touch when we went to different high schools. On the night I introduced them years ago we happened to bump into each other, recognised each other, and were catching up and still got on fine. We just aren't friends in the sense I wouldn't message him separately to her or anything like that. He's always friendly when we cross paths and often says what a weird twist of fate that he happened to bump into me that night and that's how he met his now fiancé and mother if his child.

I'm normally in the 'no one is entitled to a wedding invite' camp, but I'm with you on this one, OP. You sound like close colleagues and friends, and as she has invited the others on the team including your mat leave cover...! YANBU. Leaving someone out because they are on maternity leave is shitty.

It must feel really hurtful. I think I’d have expected to be invited and been hurt had I not been.

I suppose now you know she doesn’t consider you a friend and can consider the contact you have with her from now on.

Unfortunately on here you will get people being mean just because they can. I think in this instance you have every right to feel offended. Could it be because you have a small baby.

Are you saying that a colleague she’s known for three months is invited but you’re not? If that’s the case then she is either very odd with her ‘friendships’ or has some other reluctance to invite you. I don’t suppose there’s any way it’s coming from the groom eg he has a mate you went to school with that doesn’t want to see you?

Either way, I would not be particularly friendly with her and if it’s awkward then that’s on her not you and I imagine any colleagues with sense will see it that way.

When I initially spoke to her about wedding plans last year she said she was going to have children at the wedding as she has a young son and lots of her friends have young children/babies, she thought it would be nice to hire some soft play for them or something for the evening. She hasnt mentioned anything else about it but I wouldn't have minded at all not taking my baby if that was what she asked - he will be almost 1 when she gets married and the venue is only 20 minutes away from my house. We both did that for our mutual friend's wedding a couple of years ago so I'm sure she'd know I wouldn't mind.

OP I can see why you feel quite upset. The bride sounds a bit shallow to me .

Yes that's right. The reasoning I've been given is because she now sees this colleague every day but she only sees me once a month ish.
The only time we've ever had a slight disagreement was over 3 years ago when we both went for the same role which was a promotion at work. She got it and I congratulated her then she said some not very nice comments behind my back as I walked away (thinking I was out of earshot and basically saying I had cheek to go against her to try to get the role anyway as she has been there longer than me and was better liked by the manager). I told her there was no need for the comments at the time and we had a few cross words but it blew over after a week or so. I honestly can't think of anything that would make her want to exclude me specifically as that's all water under the bridge now.

Water under the bridge for you maybe...her not so much

I think she’s probably just not a great person. I hope you hold your head high and limit contact with her going forward as she doesn’t sound worth the efforts you’ve shown her so far, which is not a criticism of you

Very strange. I guess you’ll never really know. Best to move on and realise it was probably her not you. At least you’ve saved a small fortune 😉

I think she is not a nice person from what you have said.

3 times in 3 months is more than I see my close friends who I have been friends with since primary school....

Unfortunately OP, it sounds like you see her as more of a friend then she sees you. It is odd that she would exclude just one person out of a small group, a colleague she has known for years, who she exchanges gifts with and spends time with them outside work, for someone who is new into the company and going on maternity leave. I don't blame you for feeling hurt, she doesn't value the friendship in the same way, otherwise you would have been invited. Take a step back and stop initiating plans to meet up, and just a card for her wedding is fine.

I think this sounds really sad so I’m not surprised you are upset. I could only assume if it was me, that we were never friends i the first place even though I thought we were.

to invite the maternity cover person, but not you who she has known for years is rude. She should have just not invited any work colleagues rather than doing that. It’s like she’s given your invite to the cover person?

You do seem quite close tbh? It’s a little weird to invite your cover and every one you work with!

I suppose everyone has a slightly different idea of what a close friend is. I would say she's a good friend definitely but not somebody I would confide in or anything like that.

On the group chat yesterday they added the maternity cover lady and they were all talking about the hen party and what they are going to wear so I think I'm definitely done with them all now. Feels like it was being flaunted in my face that I'm not going on purpose so leaning towards I must have done something to annoy the bride and not realised. Have muted the chat and will only go back on when I go back to work I think.

I’d feel upset as well. I know the bride will be limited in numbers, but as the rest of your colleagues have been invited, then you shouldn’t as well. Plus you introduced them, bought presents etc.

It sounds like a power play from the bride-to-be. Maybe she's jealous about your new baby. Try not to waste your time wondering.

I'd mute the work chat group and focus on your lovely family, you won't get this time back. Enjoy the baby groups, springtime walks etc and watching your children's relationship develop.

As a long shot, your invite hasn’t been lost?

Stop spending money on her and feel free to invite mutuel friends to things without her. It cuts both ways.

Sadly not, our mutual colleague told me she feels awkward but hasn't been able invite me due to numbers and as I'm on maternity leave and she doesn't see me everyday like other people at work, she's decided not to invite me. Essentially, my maternity cover who started 3 months ago has the invite instead of me. The bride herself hasn't said anything to me about it.

3 months is no time at all! Maybe she was worried about having a small baby at the wedding, but at least she should have the decency to tell you, or ask you not to bring baby.

YANBU, OP.

Time to drop the rope.

Mute the chats, definitely no wedding gift and no more bday gifts either. Don't initiate catch ups.

💐