AIBU - not invited to friend's wedding

[Grovescamp15]

My friend and ex work colleague is getting married this year. We aren't super close but get together outside of work now and again, and worked together for several years until she went on maternity leave then I went on maternity leave just as she returned to work recently. Also, for context, I went to school with her fiancé and I was the one who introduced them, but I wouldn't say I'm 'friends' with him as such, more someone I would just say hi to when I saw him.

Anyway, when she got engaged last year she was talking about the hen do and the wedding as if I would be there and asking my opinion on outfits etc so I (perhaps wrongly) assumed I would be invited.

She has her hen party coming up and it became clear a little while ago I'm not invited - no big deal, I thought she is probably keeping it for close friends/family. Then, speaking to a mutual colleague a few weeks ago, I realise the invites for the wedding were sent out electronically and I haven't been sent one. I met with the friend getting married and a mutual colleague for coffee yesterday and asked about the wedding (how plans are going etc). They looked awkwardly at each other and changed the subject. Later, when the friend went to the toilet the colleague told me our friend feels bad but I'm not invited to the wedding as I'm on maternity leave so she doesn't see me as much anymore. The rest of our colleagues are invited.

AIBU to be hurt by this? She could have at least just told me this herself, I understand weddings are expensive but she has invited colleagues who I would say aren't as 'close' as we are, including the woman covering my maternity leave who only started a few months ago!

I sort of see both sides.

I can see her side - it's as she says - she doesn't see you much any more. If this was because you had moved to a new job, I don't think it would be an issue.

But I also understand what it's like to be on maternity leave and all your collegues just kind of drop you. It's normal, but feels awful.

Obviously, its up to the bride who she invites and for what reasons. But I think she is a bit off to invite all her colleagues except you, seemingly because you are on maternity leave and she isn't seeing you as much as she did. Presumably you would pick-up where you left off once you return to work.

Out of sight out of mind is a phrase that springs to mind.

As I said, she can invite who she wants, but in these circumstances I would feel a bit miffed.

Yanbu to be upset op.

She sounds like a bitch tbh and she’s not a friend.

I had the same thing OP so I can relate to how you're feeling.

Worked with someone for 10 years, they left and we continued to see each other outside of work every 3 months or so. I'd say we were closer even after she'd left work. Celebrated her engagement with a meal, got flowers/champagne/card. Celebrated when she moved into her first home with fiancé with flowers/card. Had her round to dinner at my house on occasion as well as meals out.

I spent a lot of time giving advice about a family member who was trying to sabotage the wedding (think narcist who wanted to make it all about them). Discussed all the wedding plans with her. Supported her with nightmare bridesmaid.

Found out from a mutual friend that I wasn't invited to the wedding. Or the evening do. She never said anything to me about not being invited, the last time I saw her was a couple of weeks before the wedding where she was prattling on how her dad was paying for their honeymoon to Antigua (lovely for them).

I've not seen her since. We texted occasionally, she contacted me a about a year after the wedding to meet up to meet her new baby, I said something non-committal and haven't replied since.

I was hurt that she didn't see me as a friend in the same way so I decided to respect my own boundaries and not continue putting effort into something which was one sided.

This. I'd be pretty hurt if I was you.
You gave her child a Christmas gift and she's been to see your baby. You thought of her as more than just a colleague

The only excuse I can come up with is she doesn't want your baby at wedding. But that still doesn't explain it.

I think I'd distance myself

Is your workplace/manager the type who thinks it's bullying if a work colleague is left out? Not everyone turns up to a evening do, so still no excuse. They've decided between them that you shouldn't get an invite, so I'd be offhand with both the bride and groom. The gifts etc should stop. At least you know who would stay friends if you change jobs.

I don’t know about muting the group chat, I’d be petty and pass-ago and leave the group. If you’re being seen as an outsider because you’re on mat leave, you might as well stay outside the group until you return to work, and rejoin then.

Yes I’d leave the group chat.

if they are all discussing a party you are not invited to on that, they are all rude. Surely no one does that whether it’s a hen party or just the office xmas party!

It’s hurtful and embarrassing to be excluded.

A friend had a baby shower many years ago. I think I was the only one in the group not invited. To make it more embarrassing I had given her an expensive car seat that I had barely used (I don’t have children but occasionally transported my neice) as well as a lovey proper gift when the baby was born. I only found out about the baby shower about six months after it happened.

i have accepted the friendship was a bit one sided on my side - still enjoy her company, still see her regularly but I have adjusted my view of the friendship. I was sad, and embarrassed, for a while but it passed!

To add to what I said above, as I missed your later updates, she was unpleasant about you after the interview and you are now stuck in a group chat about hen and wedding which you have been excluded from. All very inconsiderate, and hurtful, from her.

I would flounce and leave the group, not just mute it.

She is very much up bosom buddies with our manager so she can do no wrong in her eyes anyway but our manager wouldn't go anyway I wouldn't think. She's quite antisocial outside of work.

Yes there won't be any gifts any more. I just hope it's not too awkward when I go back!

Going back to work I would be business only. Pleasant but not get involved in an social stuff.

I wouldn't leave the group chat, thats petty and will leave more awkwardness but I'd mute it and only reply occasionally, if that makes sense.
The chances are they will have seperate one for the wedding without you.

Lesson 1.1 in how to lose all your work mates.

Would you leave the group chat?
That's hardly going to be a way of keeping friends.

I would be Hurt too op
I don't understand her rationale at all re: not inviting you but inviting your work cover.
When colleagues were on mat leave it didn't make them less important to me. You aren't reporting a strictly work colleague relationship. you've seen her 3 times in 3 months and people suggesting that's not a lot is ridiculous.
She clearly doesnt see you in the same way and has irreversibly damaged your relationship with her and the rest of the team.
Really really shitty but at least you know where you stand

I feel really sorry for you OP, she is no friend. She is a big fat fake and a disingenuous person! I cannot believe some of the other posts. She's a coward who needs to grow a backbone. Why didn't she tell you herself that you unfortunately didn't make the cut? She didn't have the guts, because she knows she's being spineless and mean by leaving you out. Just because you happen to be on mat leave. Imagine inviting people to your wedding you've only recently started working with when you are paying how much per head?! It makes no sense, other than she wants to suck up and climb the greasy pole. You are better off without her, and I hope it is awkward for her when you return to work because she's a two faced cow and you sound lovely.

YANBU

Bride sounds like a very nasty and petty individual. I wouldn't even acknowledge the wedding again going forward.

Once you're back at work, just remain professional and civil; no more friendly get together etc. Any awkwardness that may arise would be all her own doing.

So ugly and nasty.
Don't leave the chat, but definitely keep it muted.
Focus on local mum groups and making friends outside of work.
Make work relationships strictly work only.
Long term you will be better off.
At least you know how what they are like.
Clarity can be painful but at least it's real.

In your update that she's invited your maternity cover who she has known all of 3 months then yanbu
Mute chat, consider her just an at work friend and nothing more.

You’re understandably piqued but it’s not worth wasting time thinking about it.