AIBU - not invited to friend's wedding

[Grovescamp15]

My friend and ex work colleague is getting married this year. We aren't super close but get together outside of work now and again, and worked together for several years until she went on maternity leave then I went on maternity leave just as she returned to work recently. Also, for context, I went to school with her fiancé and I was the one who introduced them, but I wouldn't say I'm 'friends' with him as such, more someone I would just say hi to when I saw him.

Anyway, when she got engaged last year she was talking about the hen do and the wedding as if I would be there and asking my opinion on outfits etc so I (perhaps wrongly) assumed I would be invited.

She has her hen party coming up and it became clear a little while ago I'm not invited - no big deal, I thought she is probably keeping it for close friends/family. Then, speaking to a mutual colleague a few weeks ago, I realise the invites for the wedding were sent out electronically and I haven't been sent one. I met with the friend getting married and a mutual colleague for coffee yesterday and asked about the wedding (how plans are going etc). They looked awkwardly at each other and changed the subject. Later, when the friend went to the toilet the colleague told me our friend feels bad but I'm not invited to the wedding as I'm on maternity leave so she doesn't see me as much anymore. The rest of our colleagues are invited.

AIBU to be hurt by this? She could have at least just told me this herself, I understand weddings are expensive but she has invited colleagues who I would say aren't as 'close' as we are, including the woman covering my maternity leave who only started a few months ago!

I don't usually think people are automatically entitled to wedding invites. However, inviting all your colleagues but not you because you're on maternity leave is cruel. I'd be upset too.

Oh for goodness sakes!…. It is not being unkind to say that I’m surprised you’re surprised

you have seen her 3x in 3 months. Once to drop off a present (did she give you one), one to meet her baby (was this 1-2-1 or more like meeting with a group?) and yesterday… who suggested a coffee meet up?

I doubt she’s initiated once?

Presumably she’s not a cruel person if @Grovescamp15 has known her for 6 years

So they’ll be a reason. The issue is sadly the Op isn’t aware what and hence rightfully feels hurt.

Can you have a word with any of the others going? Are you close to any of them?

YANBU

I think it's petty but she also sounds like a career climber, who's more worried about upsetting the people she works with than upsetting a long-standing friend.

Personally, I would have to let her know that I was upset and hurt because I doubt I could hide that in a friendship. It's your choice what to do next

it doesn’t sound like a remotely close friendship to me

Shes invited all work colleagues except you? Have I understood that correctly? If so, that's shocking. I would be easing her out of my private life. She's no friend imo

Your tone putting emphasis on you're was unkind as you're clearly mocking me feeling hurt by the situation.

For Christmas, I dropped off a gift for her child, she gave one for my older child. Second time, she text separately to the group chat to ask how I was getting on with baby and she'd love to meet him. I had an appointment not far from where she lives a few days later so I suggested I could pop in. We had a cup of tea at her house and she gave me a card and a voucher for the baby. Yesterday it was a suggestion in the group chat and it was us three who were available and could turn up.

You of course can be hurt that is your right. However it is also the right of the couple to pick who they want for their wedding. A friend of mine is getting married soon and admitted that both herself and spouse to be have so many friends that they had to sit down and look at which friends they meet up with regularly/who they contact recently/who either attended or messaged them when a parent passed away.

All in the small group we work with on a day to day basis, yes. A few from the wider team who she is closer to too.

She likely is very sociable and sees people and socialises a lot. So whilst 3 brief meets in 3 months seems a lot to you, in the context of her other friends, it likely seems not much at all to her

You're not even close friends. Why would you expect an invite.

Relationships change over the years. And there are limits on wedding places too. There are some friends I wouldn't invite to a wedding. There are some work friends I wouldn't invite either. Nothing personal but there has to be a cut off. Nor should anyone have to explain why they havnt invited someone.

Then I would be very hurt. I can't understand why she would do this (the mat leave reason is obviously rubbish). I would assume that the reality is that she doesn't like me and I'd phase her out of my private life

You simply can't say she barely knows some of the people she has invited because you don't know because you hardly see her.

When she initially spoke about the wedding I suspect it was well before they looked at venues, numbers and costings. You have to accept your friendship for what it is. If you don't want to see her at all any more then that's OK but you can still be friends and not have to be invited to the wedding. Don't make a thing about it and spoil the friendship you do have

She’s mean to ask your opinions about dresses and go on about her wedding knowing full well she wasn’t inviting you. Especially as you introduced them and other colleagues are invited. I’d take that as a huge snub and stop making any effort. No more texts, no more cards and gifts. There’s no excuse.

It's a bit unclear what your relationship with her is like now. It sounds a bit like you're a situational friend - you were a friend in work, but from her perspective you haven't been around for all her maternity leave and now however much of yours you've taken. You're kind of an an ex-colleague. She probably hasn't invited most people who she was friendly with who have left and work elsewhere now either. If that's the case, I don't think she's entirely unreasonable though maybe a bit short sighted as you'll be back in work in a few months.

It may hurt a bit more for you if you're currently feeling a bit isolated on maternity and were looking forward to it as a way to reconnect with work friends. But that's not the purpose of her wedding.

But you also said you just met up with her, that may indicate a closer friendship? If you've been meeting up with her regularly it does seem unreasonable, and a bit odd that she wouldn't invite you with all her work friends. I think upset that she didn't think you as worthy as her work colleagues is reasonable and a reason to pull away from the friendship a bit and recognise that she does not see you as a friend the way you saw her.

YANBU. It's really weird to invite your mat cover she barely knows but not you. I can't blame you for being offended when you clearly have more of a friendly relationship than just "colleagues".
But looking at other responses, it seems some consider inviting colleagues is a must do, so she might be in the same mindset.

It didn't even cross my mind for my wedding (or any of my colleagues') so I didn't even know it was a thing!

Op will had NO idea about the reality of the relationship this person has with their maternity cover

Yes you're probably right. She is the type of person who has lots of friends who she socialises with regularly. I'm more the type of person who has a few very close friends and spend more time changing nappies than going out for meals etc so I most likely have read the level of friendship completely wrong.

Don’t worry about it.

She likes you clearly but 3 brief meet ups in 3 months probably is a drop in the ocean to what she regards as a close friendship.

From the conversation I had with our colleague I think she thought it would be more awkward to not invite my maternity cover than it would be to not invite me as I don't return to work until the week after she gets married.

I think you're right about why she invited your maternity cover, although she's only known them for a few months. It could feel uncomfortable at work, as the wedding approaches, to have one member of a small team not invited. However, I would have invited you too as you're still in a group chat, have kept in contact and will return to work before the wedding. I think withdraw slightly and accept she's an "out of sight, out of mind" friend.

It’s kind of insane to not invite the person who introduced you, even on you’re not especially close! They’re both being rude. But there’s not much you can do about it.

To be honest I'm a bit confused myself now if we are friends/were ever friends or not so I'm probably not being very clear sorry.

When we were both at work we obviously saw each other every day, worked very closely and would go out at weekends together a lot in a small group from work etc. When she had her child we met up maybe once a month or so for a coffee and shared birthday and Christmas presents. During that time we also attended a mutual friend's hen party together and shared a room. I've been on maternity leave 3 months now and we chat mostly though the group chat but now and again directly and we've seen each other a few times. Most things we do together are in a small group but now and again we will see each other one on one and I'd consider her a friend but not a super close friend if that makes sense.

So you're back at work a week after her wedding and she's not going feel awkward?

I gather she is not going on a honeymoon straight after the wedding, or else she wouldn't have to face her at work that week.

She sounds like a bit of an arse. I'd keep it friendly and professional with her but at an arm's length emotionally. Stuff her.

You were friends

But like you say, she’s very sociable so in the context of her other friendships… 3 brief get togethers in 3 months was probably viewed very much as a remote friendship