In laws didn't give a birthday card for my 40th

[Doeslifebeginat40ornot]

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable here?

Last month I turned 40 and lots of family and friends made me feel truly treasured with their wishes, cards and presents.

However, my in laws didn't get me anything, not even a card. Just a standard happy birthday on my facebook from MIL.

DH and I have been together 3 years and it just feels really crap that they think so little of me they couldn't even be bothered to make an effort on a milestone birthday.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it not the big deal I think it is?

They've never particularly warmed to me and haven't made any attempts to get to know me. This just feels a bit deliberate from them...

That’s terribly rude. On the plus side, you are absolved from any in law birthday related celebrations that you don’t fancy for ever more!

Haha this
How are they at celebrating other events?

Why would you expect one if you know how they feel about you?

They are very clever at never saying it directly as such, but just never really make an effort with me. DH insists they like me. I have gone above and beyond to be polite, caring and warm with them but it's never reciprocated.

I guess I just thought this would be a great opportunity to show they do care, but apparently not.

I think they are making it clear by not even bothering with a card. That's sent a message really.

Have they ever given you cards and gifts? Do they do it for everyone but you?

If they have never done it before then I don't see why you think they would start now.

Family bbqs and dinners for their immediate family birthdays. But they've never done anything for mine. With it being my 40th I hoped they may have 😔

Yes when we got engaged but not for me specifically. They do for DH though.

Do they do it for other in-laws? For each other? If they aren't generally big card or celebration people it doesn't really mean anything. I suspect my parents probably send SIL birthday cards, they usually do for DH but I wouldn't say for certain they always remember.

DB and I don't to each other let alone in-laws.

It doesn't sound like you've got the sort of relationship where they send you cards/gifts. Do you send them (just from you) on birthdays/milestones? Are you having a party/meal and are they invited? If so I would expect a card at a gathering as a social nicety.

My partner of 5 years will remind his kids and family yet u still am treated like nothing not even a text on my birthdays, yet when it comes to partners kids and their partners god it's all drama and what they would like I've decided as of this year zero effort on my part from now on, and all expense and decisions can be met by my partner!!

Ohhh that's a good point actually, I will do a little investigating and see if they do it for DH's brother's wife! It will make me feel better if they don't bother with hers too!

I inly send birthday cards to my husband and children. I don't send cards to their wives/husbands.

No party or anything for me, just DH and I went on holiday for my birthday to Iceland. Which was fab!

We send them birthday cards signed from us both, and turn up with presents to their birthday celebrations.

I may end up doing the same as you! It's upsetting though isn't it.

Then leave them to it and stop going above and beyond for them.

If it’s ok to them to ignore you then it is perfectly ok for you to do the same and bring it down to just politeness and leave it to your DH to sort out stuff for them.

Thank you, you're right. It's just puzzling to me. DH is cross about it too and says it's upset him too that they didn't bother.

But yes maybe I should step back and stop making the effort. I can't force them to like me.

It would be enough for me personally but I’d give back exactly the same amount of effort.

Yes I think I will start treating them how they treat me. It will be awkward though!

Unless you have 50 children, who are all married, and you also have no hands then that’s really weird.

I'd been married to dh nearly 20 years on my 40th. Still got nothing from ILs.
They only sent cards to dh after we moved across the country, ignoring our dc as well. However after MiL died, SiL (dh sister) started sending us all cards again.

Why? You don’t have to announce or tell them. Your DH/ their son does what he usually does for them and you can simply say ‘Happy Birthday’ and whatever events verbally. You acknowledged them and done.

Well what a relief @Doeslifebeginat40ornot! You can now match their energy with no guilt whatsoever!

Now that you don’t need to make any effort, you’ve freed up your time to focus on friends and family who appreciate you!

Exactly. OP are you saying prior to this you bought them birthday cards from you alone separate to your DH? If so that's really weird. If not then you don't need to do anything to "match their energy". Just carry on with your name in a card from both of you. It's no big deal.

This is well without the normal variety in human life I would say. It would never occur to me to either expect it or do it.

1st marriage for you both? Any kids?