In laws didn't give a birthday card for my 40th

[Doeslifebeginat40ornot]

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable here?

Last month I turned 40 and lots of family and friends made me feel truly treasured with their wishes, cards and presents.

However, my in laws didn't get me anything, not even a card. Just a standard happy birthday on my facebook from MIL.

DH and I have been together 3 years and it just feels really crap that they think so little of me they couldn't even be bothered to make an effort on a milestone birthday.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it not the big deal I think it is?

They've never particularly warmed to me and haven't made any attempts to get to know me. This just feels a bit deliberate from them...

A lot of people don’t attach meaning to “milestone” birthdays. I do celebrate my birthday, but I celebrated my 40th in the same was as I celebrated my 39th and 41st, each birthday is the same to me. So in that sense, I think you’re a little unreasonable to expect different treatment from them this year.
But if they have another DIL-to-be who they shower with gifts and treats regularly then yes, take offence at that!

So could it be plausible that in their eyes, you just add a signature onto the cards and gifts from their son?

If you sent a gift and card from you specifically, it would have set a different precedence.

I don't send cards to my in-laws. I just tag on to DH's. My PIL do usually send me a card from overseas, but if they didn't, it wouldn't bother me. A message is a nice acknowledgement IMO.

Now change your ways... Stop bothering with them. Let dh sign their cards. Beware if you have dc you will likely become flavour of the month. Well 9 months.. Then be back to being ignored imo.
They are rude fuckers.

Tell dh to stop pretending otherwise.

I think that's fair enough.

Is it?

Oh well.

Match their energy. I'm 30 years into the game. We had a couple of Xmas when the recipients of quite a generous gift failed to thank me or even acknowledge receipt or use so I halved the gift the following year, some again.so now nothing.

Then on the big family group chat for GPs, siblings & partners plus all Grand kids only two people from 12 said happy birthday when previously most people get an emoji. So no more effort there. If they can't manage a smiley face no they cannot stay in our convenient for festival house anymore.

My MIL used to send me a card and gift voucher for my birthday. My DM never sent my DH or my SIL a card or gave them a present. I don’t think she was being mean, she just never thought to do it.

I turned 50 a few weeks ago. Didn't get one card off my family (apart from my dad) 🤷🏼

I think cards are dying out, on my birthday a couple of weeks ago I got two cards, one from my DH and one from my best friend. However I did lots of lovely texts and messages and felt that people had remembered it was my birthday which was really nice.

Don't try and work out why, it won't work as you are not them, the reason they have would I imagine not be one you'd ever come up with.

My mum didn't bother with my husbands birthday last year, we've only been married 24 years and I am an only child with one child so she only needs to remember three dates. When she realised (as she saw a post a friend had put on fb wishing him happy birthday ) on the day of his birthday did she go and get a card and drop it off (lives 10 mins away and drives) no of course not, she messaged me and said tell Mr TF that I forgot his birthday, I will give him some money for a drink when I next see him. She saw him probably a month later and gave him £20.

Precedent.

I don't agree, you are a couple op and they should acknowledge you. It's poor form but at least you know where you stand.

Do they do cards/gifts for your husband?

What about when you got married?

Jesus wept OP🤦🏻‍♀️ it must be just me, but I never understand grown adults making such a drama out of birthdays.

Thanks for the grammar lesson (, although this was a missed autocorrect). Kindly advise on your sentence above. Would a semi-colon or full-stop have been more appropriate than your comma? I'm always happy to learn 😀.

I thought a Facebook message was a type of acknowledgement, but apparently not 🤷‍♀️.

I haven't made a drama, I've not mentioned it to anyone in real life. Apart from DH as he asked if I'd received a card or present from them.

I asked mumsnet if I was being unreasonable that they hadn't sent their daughter in law a birthday card on her 40th, as I personally find their behaviour unkind and this was one of many times where they have been thoughtless.

Sorry, i was a dick doing that - bad day today, I saw my mother!!

Some people don’t differentiate between ‘milestone’ birthdays and ordinary ones. I got a generic card from my in laws for my 50th, as did my DC for their 18th & 21st birthdays. Nothing personal and they’ve probably lost track of everyone’s ages anyway. Has either of your inlaws had a ‘milestone’ birthday since you’ve known them?
Do you interact with them separately from your DH eg visits, emails, phone calls, FB messenger to one or both of them, or is it always joint visits with presents & cards from both of you? When you say they haven’t made an attempt to get to know you, have you made attempts to get to know them which haven’t been reciprocated or has neither party bothered?

If they've not been particularly friendly up until now I'm not sure why you are suddenly expecting something different for your 40th? Do you have kids together? Sometimes in laws think when kids come along they just buy for them. I wouldn't bother with them in the future.

Why not though? Genuinely interested why you are deliberately not sending DIL/SIL? I can't get my head round why you wouldn't include the parents of your grandchildren as part of your family.

My MIL didn't ever send me one nor our son but I knew she sent ex wife and Dh's son from previous marriage. One time I asked why she didn't send our son one and she said she didn't do cards. So I told DH I was no longer doing cards for her and if he wanted to then it was now up to him to buy and send any. Next up was mother's day and he didn't send one. FIL called me and said she was upset we hadn't sent a card and I simply said but she told me she doesn't do cards!

My PIL’s wouldn’t have a clue when my birthday is! They remember the children’s birthdays so that’s all that matters.
my b/sil’s will post on Facebook but that’s as far as it goes.
my family remember (sometimes)

OP, I can sense you are very sad and disappointed and that is understandable, as birthdays seem to be important to you. As such, they should know that and should try to make it a bit special for you.

I am from a biological family that your b/days card must be posted, must be through your letter box day of (or day before) your b/day and there is HUGE stock given to what the verse says. It actually doesn’t bother me in the slightest and I’m ok with a text or a call. Any cards I get are recycled by that w/end. Different importance on the same things is ok, in family dynamics, as long as you don’t deliberately hurt someone.

My only suggestion is…match their energy…don’t go to great lengths for their b/days as, it won’t likely be appreciated.
It’s very ok to be sad, just don’t dwell there, learn from this and move onwards in day to day encounters with them.

I don't know anyone who sends cards to their IL's. So it wouldn't bother me

So you wouldn’t give a relative of yours even a card for a milestone birthday? Jesus wept, that’s really shitty.

I had a milestone birthday, got a few cards, not one single person chose a card with the milestone age on it. I was pretty surprised. No reference to it at all. I didn’t bring it up but I did feel quite flat, like it was just another ordinary birthday.