In laws didn't give a birthday card for my 40th

[Doeslifebeginat40ornot]

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable here?

Last month I turned 40 and lots of family and friends made me feel truly treasured with their wishes, cards and presents.

However, my in laws didn't get me anything, not even a card. Just a standard happy birthday on my facebook from MIL.

DH and I have been together 3 years and it just feels really crap that they think so little of me they couldn't even be bothered to make an effort on a milestone birthday.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it not the big deal I think it is?

They've never particularly warmed to me and haven't made any attempts to get to know me. This just feels a bit deliberate from them...

It was never a deliberate decision not to send cards; just not something we ever started. I'm not sure I've ever even thought about doing it.
FWIW, my MiL never sent me a birthday card and my parents never sent them to my husband.

Sounds fine to me. I was a little surprised when my parents started sending them to DH just because it wouldn't have occurred to me they would think to.

I guess I probably will when I have a son or daughter-in-law. Mainly if DH thinks to I expect. He's better at that stuff than me.

DH and I aren’t big on cards either and don’t usually give to each other. It’s difficult when you enjoy making birthdays special and others don’t but you can’t expect everyone to feel the same. Also I would not expect PILs to make a fuss or organise a celebration for a DIL or SIL birthday. I don’t do it for mine.

If it helps you feel any better — I haven’t spoken to my in-laws in 7 years. In that time I’ve been diagnosed with MS and was hospitalized with sepsis, and I never heard from them directly once. Not even a message. Apparently they send money to my husband to pass on to me for my birthday, but they’ve never reached out themselves.

It hurt for a long time. Eventually I realized their behaviour says more about them than about my worth.

You’re not unreasonable for feeling disappointed. A 40th is a milestone. But sometimes in-law dynamics are just… limited. Protect your peace and match their effort.

Did they know it was your 40th and some people prefer not to be reminded once they get to a certain age.

I’m not sure if you have children in your life - once we had kids, their birthdays, celebrations, achievements took priority.
We went away for one of my milestone birthdays, just to a hotel 100 miles away.
Our son was young & struggling with more ‘interesting’ food - we ended up in a chippy - it was fine!
I feel, as an adult, that my celebrations, are mine alone, and I don’t expect other adults to make a big deal - Happy Birthday on Facebook seems fine.
Adults aren’t usually ‘celebrating’ other adults birthdays, unless of course it’s your partner/spouse.
People wish me happy birthday, and move on.
If you wanted a fuss, you should have organised an event and in laws would have brought you a card/gift.
It seems a bit juvenile, to expect a big deal about you reaching a certain decade.
Sorry!

I think that's a bit mean !
They obviously knew it was your big birthday but actively chose to not acknowledge it that's rude !
My son has only been dating his g/f 3 months he told me it was her bday and I bought her a card it's just a nice gesture and being part of the family !!
My mother in law has known me since I was 19 I'm nearly 50band she hS always bought me a card and present ! She is lovely thou tbh !
Happy belated 40th to you just match their energy or be soooooo nice it will make them embarrassed 😳 x

What's amazing here is some people are unable to post a reply that isn't belittling to the OP. 🤦‍♀️

Clearly OP is bothered by IL's lack of warmth toward her. I wonder if it is a case of different vakues and ways of exoressing oneself? They did post a message on FB, just not a particularly personal one.
Would it be okay OP to make a bold move toward friendship by inviting MiL to an afternoon of shopping, a show, and then tea?
Don't get emotional, bring up any issues or perceptions and keep things friendly and neutral? It might open the door and if not then at least you tried. Sending support as i know how awkward that can be.

OP my parents have never gave my husband a birthday card and i get a special 'daughter' card for Xmas so he doesnt get in on that eithet.
They were divorced so seperate cards would of been sent (if they had a shread of decency).
We have been together 23 years.
My mother is dead now, my dad still does the daughter card to me.
They were/are just fucking rude with no social awareness. Funnily my dad does like my husband, they chat together nicely but my dad just doesn't ever think to get him a card.
There's nothing I can do about them/him, we accept they are rude. His family would never exclude me like that. No real advice, just solidarity.

Are you his first wife? Don't want it to sound horrible or anything but I've heard of this quite often when someone's in-laws still get on well with a first wife/partner etc. I still don't agree with it but was just wondering!

I found that weird to. My in laws treat me as one of the family with cards, gifts etc and my DP do the same for DH.

I have perfectly great in laws I get a card sometimes off them not other times if I never got a card no offence to them but I dont care, a card means nothing to be perfectly honest

Yes they can be lovely but they are not essential

Why not be happy what you do get not worry about what you don't? it seems an odd way of living

I don't worry about these things. I rarely receive or give cards. I hope people don't think I'm very rude. Cards don't make me feel special.

As a kid all my great aunts would send me a card, but I didn't know them. I would write lots of cards back. I wonder if that's changed my perspective

I think it's mean of them and quite rude.

Match their indifference. I guess they won't be relying on your help when they are infirm.

Oh heavens about. My DIL would be devastated if I didn’t give her a card or gift . We always celebrate and acknowledge birthdays together. Maybe it depends on the relationship but I think it’s mean .

devestated over a card and or a gift? that is a bit dramatic isnt it? I would still love my ILs even if I never ever got anything

priorities really

The poster you are replying to merely said that they don't understand grown adults making such a drama out of birthdays, they didn't say anything about not giving cards.

I actually agree with them. My parents of course remembered my birthday, but I couldn't have cared less whether my ILs had remembered it or not, much less made a drama out of it. Milestone birthdays also mean nothing to me, I treat all my birthdays the same.

Yes, it’s a bit thoughtless of them. On the other hand, it means you are off the hook with reciprocating

I was 60 late last year and only my parents made any sort of effort. No cards from any of my 4dc - dd1 asked me what I'd like for my birthday and I told her socks- still waiting. I did get presents from the other 3. I have a good relationship with them all but maybe 60 isn't a big milestone nowadays especially as you can't retire then!

Bizarrely, lots of older people think it the height of rudeness to mention an adult’s actual age on their birthday! I couldn’t get worked up about this at all.

I would also feel sad if there was a lack of reciprocated effort. My nature too is to then just stop making the effort. And it doesn’t require an announcement or any churlish weird behaviour, you just don’t need to let your brain have any space occupied by thoughts of their birthdays. turn up if you’re invited otherwise don’t bother. They’re the silly ones. What will be critical Is that you don’t let this come between you and your DH. Be neutral, even as he is annoyed and angry.

for what it’s worth I bought my stepson’s girlfriend of only six months a birthday card and a present when I found out it was her birthday recently. Their actions speak volumes

I dont think you're being unreasonable.
They could of easily bought a card for £1.
I turned 40 2 weeks ago, and i didn't even get a "Happy birthday" off my friends.
My kids dad never got me anything off the kids either, and i could tell my youngest felt bad 😢 He could of got something from poundland for her to give to me.
Ive not actually heard from my "friends" either. I'll be damned if im making an effort with them any more.

One year my Mil gave me the free gift she got from buying my DH some Clinique products. Then she forgot for about ten years to give me anything.
I was always kind and did my best with her and my fil.
At Christmas she gave me £1000
Unless people are hurting you in some way or bullying it’s best to pay the long game.

God, I just couldn’t give a monkeys what they thought. People give far too much head space worrying about what other people think of them.

I wouldn’t be bothered in the slightest. I’d be amazed if my in-laws or their extended family even knew when my birthday was. BIL definitely wouldn’t have a clue when it was.

It’s the same for my DH. My family don’t celebrate his birthday either.

We’ve been together for nearly 20 years and it has always been like this. I’d never really given it a second thought until I read this thread.