In laws didn't give a birthday card for my 40th

[Doeslifebeginat40ornot]

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable here?

Last month I turned 40 and lots of family and friends made me feel truly treasured with their wishes, cards and presents.

However, my in laws didn't get me anything, not even a card. Just a standard happy birthday on my facebook from MIL.

DH and I have been together 3 years and it just feels really crap that they think so little of me they couldn't even be bothered to make an effort on a milestone birthday.

Am I being unreasonable? Or is it not the big deal I think it is?

They've never particularly warmed to me and haven't made any attempts to get to know me. This just feels a bit deliberate from them...

I think they have no interest in you rather than actively disliking you

Oh this is familiar. My in laws send cards to everyone for every occasion possible. Except for me. Never received a card or anything. !!! It’s very odd

And in the real world, birthdays are meaningful to most people. And it’s ok if someone feels hurt that to have a lack of real acknowledgment made (social media message is not a real acknowledgment) especially on a milestone birthday.

Gosh, that's really cold.

I think that's really sad. My in laws very much treat me as part of the familly, and my family do my husband too.

But I don't suppose there's anything you can do except making the same level of effort for them as they do you.

These threads always surprise me. In 2026 people still send cards? Messages yes, often gifts if you're going to someone's actual party, but I'd say giving cards is a really niche pursuit these days. Can't remember the last time I bought cards for any occasion. Certainly have never given or received them from my in-laws (with whom I get on well). Card-giving isn't the litmus test of whether anyone cares about me. (That's turning up to the party in the first place and not flaking/bailing, tbh.)

But it seems like the larger issue is the OP doesn't like her in-laws and doesn't think they like her. I guess that might be awkward but honestly, some people just don't click with each other and that's fine. You don't have to be besties with your in-laws. They don't have to embrace you. It's fine to just have a surface-level civil relationship with them. And that's also great because if you just have a surface-level relationship with someone, it doesn't really matter if they get you a card or not.

We are similar. Nobody thinks anything of it. We don’t send cards between in laws, cousins or anything like that. Literally just immediate family. We don’t even send them to siblings.

But you’re speaking from the position of someone who has great in-laws. OP has clearly said hers make little effort with her and haven’t warmed to her. So its not a comparable situation.

Oh, for goodness sake. I send fewer pieces of folded card than some other people do.

I doubt my FIL even knows what month my birthday is in and I see him 4-5 times a week and we have a good relationship.

I really don’t understand all this adult drama around birthdays and I definitely can’t imagine getting upset about my husbands parents not buying me some folded up paper 🫣

My uncle (dad's brother) has never once in my entire life given me a birthday card, birthday present or Christmas card or Christmas presents. He's a multi millionaire so it isn't money he's short of, he just doesn't do it. He didn't come to our wedding either (he was invited, along with his long term partner) and I didn't receive a card for that either, or a present. Tbh I wasn't "looking" for a present, or a card but he didn't even text me on the day or after to say congratulations. It's just him, he just doesn't do any of that.

The thing is, when I was younger I used to find it strange and would be hurt but then I just decided after the wedding (he met up with me to tell me he wouldn't be going as weddings weren't his thing) I just decided to match the energy. Instead of being upset (which I think he was expecting me to react like and "beg him" to come) I just smiled and said, well it's not a summons, we would love you to be there but if it's not for you, then that's fine, sorry you'll miss it but hopefully we can meet up after and I'll tell you about it.

When I had my children I didn't receive any card or anything for them either, I still don't, but now he will actually meet them sometimes, but it's always me that reaches out. He is odd, he's always been odd, his partner is really bubbly and outgoing and she has loads of friends so when he met her (he'd been a bachelor for a long time, they met when he was in his 50s) I thought perhaps we'd see him more (as in, she'd encourage him to get in touch more as whenever we do meet up she always says "oh I say to him to get in touch with you more, it's lovely to see you"), but it's not happened like that so I just get in touch every 6 months to organise a meet. Matching his energy and just accepting it is quite freeing actually. I used to tie myself in knots worrying about it.

But a card isn't going to change that. If they don't like her or don't want to get to know her then a card is meaningless.

I don't really understand why you'd care whether someone you don't get on with feigns a meaningless gesture or not.

Why is it deemed so cool to not give a shit about birthday cards for your friends and family? How hard can it be to pick one up during your weekly shop?

I never believe these rolling eyes ‘oh so much DRAMA over just a CARD’ or ‘nobody does cards now’ posts….Nah. Just own it. You can’t be arsed is the simple truth. And that’s why op is upset. It’s not about the card. It’s the lack of care and thought. It doesn’t take a lot but it means a lot.

Hmm I’m not sure about being nice and they will be shamed. You are thinking about what you’d feel. I’ve been guilty of this, my mum is totally thoughtless on birthdays and I’ve overcompensated with hers , perhaps not to embarrass (well a bit) but to model what a decent human being might do! Shes not changed she is worse if anything.

A drama over a card.

Who said anything about it being “cool”?

I don’t know anyone who bothers with cards these days - they’re a waste of money, bad for the environment and 95% of them get binned after a day or two.

So, despite your assertions, it has nothing to do with not caring. I show the people I love that I care about them every single day - the fact that I don’t waste my money on a card once a year doesn’t suddenly mean I don’t give a shit 🤣

If OP really needs a folded up piece of paper once a year to show her in-laws care about her, then she has way bigger issues in their relationship.

It's neither cool nor uncool. It's just not the norm in 2026 any more.

I threw a big party recently. About 60 people came. 10-15 of them brought cards. I can assure you I didn't feel any more cared about by the card-bringers compared to the non-card bringers.

If that were true you would have multiple card outlets on the high street. It’s still very much the norm to buy cards for the thoughtful among us. 😇

What a snide and unpleasant dig.

My in-laws didn't give me a card for my 40th either. I think I got a generic shower set (it's what I normally get) well after my birthday. They just said they'd save the card till next year 😂 I guess they didn't even realise it was my 40th

You're not unreasonable but my in law (mil sadly passed) never gets me a card for birthdays or Christmas not even on my 30th after goving birth to their only grandchild. I've got over it, his family is his responsibility and I've reached a point where I have "dropped the rope". Would it be nice to have extended my lovely family to include a loving group of in laws - yes. Has it happened - no. Can I change this, or force it, or do anything about it - sadly not, so I choose not to worry about it. It's a reflection of them not you! Do whatever you wish regarding them and no more, feel no obligation to them and remember whatever they think about you is irrelevant to how great, loved, special you are :-)

Im waiting for MN oh your an adult!. Op my mam gave me nothing on my 50th she mean though. Its not nice as you say. In my husband family they not big into birthdays

Amen!

As someone who has adopted a similar philosophy with "in law family", it's intensely freeing!

But to give them the benefit of the doubt... Perhaps they didn't realise it was a milestone birthday?

If they never got to know you wouldn't it be more odd for them to suddenly start showering you with gifts?

Do you usually buy them cards and gifts? If you expect them yourself then you should do.

If you don't think they like you then any card surely would just be an insincere waste of paper and the cost of a stamp. Do you really need false good wishes from them? They said happy birthday so didn't totally ignore you.

I'd day at 40 you shouldn't be that bothered over how many cards and gifts you got.

Focus on the people in your life who clearly do love and care for you deeply.

They do not like you . do not do anything for them