Page 5 | In laws didn't give a birthday card for my 40th

Doeslifebeginat40ornot · 2026-02-26T16:45:49+00:00

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable here? Last month I turned 40 and lots of family and friends made me feel truly treasured with their wishes, cards and presents. However, my in laws didn't get me anything, not even a card. Just a standard happy birthday on my facebook from MIL. DH and I have been together 3 years and it just feels really crap that they think so little of me they couldn't even be bothered to make an effort on a milestone birthday. Am I being unreasonable? Or is it not the big deal I think it is? They've never particularly warmed to me and haven't made any attempts to get to know me. This just feels a bit deliberate from them...

Original poster

Doeslifebeginat40ornot · 27/02/2026 17:20

Thanks all for your comments, even the ones that called me dramatic! I wanted to get an idea of what expectations are with in laws.

So I did a little digging and it turns out my bro in law's wife IS gifted cards and presents by them and generally celebrated. They also send messages on the family group WhatsApp chat to her on special occasions. I have not been added to any group like that with them and despite MIL having my number she doesn't message me pleasantries even though I have done to her.

I think that's my answer, so from now on I will give the same effort back to them. No more favours and helping them out, no more sitting and listening to them rabbit on about themselves endlessly and taking an interest in their lives, even though they ask me NOTHING. They don't even know what my job is! They've never asked.

DH is very supportive and wants to address it with them but I told him not to bother. I can't force them to like me. Atleast now I know for sure!

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 27/02/2026 17:20

Do they do cards for adults? Some people don’t.

mrsgilfeathers · 27/02/2026 17:41

Tourmalines · 27/02/2026 05:39

Oh heavens about. My DIL would be devastated if I didn’t give her a card or gift . We always celebrate and acknowledge birthdays together. Maybe it depends on the relationship but I think it’s mean .

Not just a bit disappointed but actually devastated?? What will she do when something REALLY bad happens to her?!

BeenChangedForGood · 27/02/2026 19:58

Doeslifebeginat40ornot · 27/02/2026 17:20

Thanks all for your comments, even the ones that called me dramatic! I wanted to get an idea of what expectations are with in laws.

So I did a little digging and it turns out my bro in law's wife IS gifted cards and presents by them and generally celebrated. They also send messages on the family group WhatsApp chat to her on special occasions. I have not been added to any group like that with them and despite MIL having my number she doesn't message me pleasantries even though I have done to her.

I think that's my answer, so from now on I will give the same effort back to them. No more favours and helping them out, no more sitting and listening to them rabbit on about themselves endlessly and taking an interest in their lives, even though they ask me NOTHING. They don't even know what my job is! They've never asked.

DH is very supportive and wants to address it with them but I told him not to bother. I can't force them to like me. Atleast now I know for sure!

@Doeslifebeginat40ornot one set of my in-laws (FIL & sMIL) are the same OP so I completely understand. DH and I had been together 13 years before we got married and during that 13 years in-laws made a point of not celebrating anything to do with me at all because we weren’t married 🙄 All other SILs & DILs are celebrated - and given gifts and cards.

So then our time came and we finally got married. FIL & sMIL informed me that I was now an “actual part of the family” 🫠🤣 I should add that we’d been together by this point 9 years longer than any of the other kids and their partners just not married but however.
So my birthday rolled around the following month and I waited with bated breath to see it finally be acknowledged…and…tumbleweed 🤣 Not even a “happy birthday” in a group chat when others were.

Its been 4 years now since I became an “actual part of the family” and I’ve yet to receive a birthday greeting of any kind 🤣

Hereandthereupupthestairs · 27/02/2026 22:04

SpanThatWorld · 26/02/2026 17:49

Is it?

Oh well.

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Eeekkk I feel for your in laws.

cleanasawhistle · 27/02/2026 22:29

Its hurtful OP.
I found out that my MIL bought cards and gifts for my BIL, SIL and their partners .
My husband and I got nothing.
I did think it strange that my husband got nothing but we presumed no one received anything.

I said to OH that if he wanted to carry on with gifts/cards for his mum that was up to him but I would have nothing to do with it and I wouldn;t be reminding him on the run up to it either.

Next time I saw SIL she said oh you forgot mams birthday and I replied no I didn't.
She said but she didn't get anything from you and I replied thats because I didn't send anything.
Yes OH had forgotten.

cheeseomelette · 27/02/2026 22:39

I didn’t get a 50th card recently from mil after 15 years!
The irony is she’s been dropping massive hints for her big birthday later this year about us taking her away somewhere.

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/02/2026 23:42

Ask DH how he thinks his parents would react if one reaches a milestone birthday and all you both do is a facebook message? Or how would he feel when he hits 50 and that's it?

If those are not ok then he needs to rethink....

FettleOfKish · 27/02/2026 23:49

Solidarity OP. My SIL and her partner came to my 40th party but didn’t bring so much as a card. It only came up a few months later when DH was discussing his Sisters Birthday and I pointed out that they’d got nothing for me so I didn’t care what he was getting for her. 2 weeks later a belated gift magically appeared (a gold plate necklace - every item of jewellery I wear is silver).

It’s a theme. Each Christmas DH gets a fat envelope of cash from his Mum, I get a box of chocolates. In 2024 there were 4 missing. The 2025 box was a year out of date.

I’ve been upset about it in the past but now I’ve made the decision to let it wash over me, and I give no thought, time or input into gifts he gets for them.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/02/2026 23:53

Why can’t dh add you to the family wats app group ?

but yes if she buys for dh brothers wife , then a bit shit she doesn’t for you

OpheliaNightingale · 27/02/2026 23:55

@Doeslifebeginat40ornot I personally think it’s respectful to your adult children to include their partners, and foster good relations. You are just hurting your own child by being mean and spiteful to their partners, causing friction in their relationship.

My in-laws send my husband a Christmas card without my name on it! And buy a gift for every family member except me! It’s caused a lot of issues within the marriage.

Original poster

Doeslifebeginat40ornot · 28/02/2026 09:32

Teenagehorrorbag · 27/02/2026 23:42

Ask DH how he thinks his parents would react if one reaches a milestone birthday and all you both do is a facebook message? Or how would he feel when he hits 50 and that's it?

If those are not ok then he needs to rethink....

Yes that's a good way for him to approach it by asking them that and he wants to address it with them. However, then it will just make me look like the bad guy. Acceptance is the route I'm going to go down now and match their energy.

OP posts:

Teaandwater · 28/02/2026 09:52

I'm with my DH 27 years ( I'm 45 in April). I have never received a card, text message or any acknowledgement from my PIL for my birthday. My Aunt threw me a surprise 40th birthday party in her home, we were just coming out of Covid so it was a bbq in her garden with close family members. I sent MIL a picture of myself with DH at the bbq with my birthday balloon. I'm not on social media. She instantly blocked me on what's app . She thought we had a party and didn't invite her. DH explained the situation but she would not listen and there was a huge argument between DH and his mother, I stayed out of it. To be honest she's never like me, ruined my wedding and pregnancies and told DH she never wanted him to marry me so I think this was finally her chance to have no contact with me.

Suits me, our life is so much better without her. The only person in our family who has contact with her is our 17 year old DD.

Proudofitbabe · 28/02/2026 10:12

Unless it’s a bit of a one-off or there’s very good mitigating circumstances, it’s obviously very weird and dysfunctional not to properly acknowledge one daughter-in-law’s birthday (especially while doing it for the other!).
I’m in a similar situation to what you describe and it’s totally mean and unjustified, but you get used to it.
It’s been years now and at this point we either accept that’s how she is or say something and fall out - so we go with the former but I’ve stopped making personal effort, it’s politeness only these days. Strange people out there!

Proudofitbabe · 28/02/2026 10:23

OpheliaNightingale · 27/02/2026 23:55

@Doeslifebeginat40ornot I personally think it’s respectful to your adult children to include their partners, and foster good relations. You are just hurting your own child by being mean and spiteful to their partners, causing friction in their relationship.

My in-laws send my husband a Christmas card without my name on it! And buy a gift for every family member except me! It’s caused a lot of issues within the marriage.

I absolutely agree with your sentiments, and your in-laws are a disgrace (so are mine!)

60sbird · 28/02/2026 11:41

I’ve had similar, not mil but my husbands nieces and great nieces, every year I made sure to send birthday/Christmas cards to the three nieces and their six (between them) kids, each year they would send husband a birthday card, I never received any, I might get a “happy birthday” on Facebook from one of them but not the other two so two years ago I stopped sending them and they stopped sending them to my husband 🤷🏻‍♀️

OSTMusTisNT · 28/02/2026 11:57

That's really not on. I gave my now DIL a card and €20 towards her bday weekend European break 2 weeks after her and DS started dating!

From now on, I would leave your DH to organise everything for that side of the family and insist your name is not included in cards or gift tags.

RachelGreep87 · 28/02/2026 12:23

Did you mean to type 80th instead of 40th?
Can't imagine anyone younger than that being put out about not receiving a card.

nomas · 28/02/2026 13:10

Doeslifebeginat40ornot · 26/02/2026 17:23

Yes I think I will start treating them how they treat me. It will be awkward though!

Show quote history

Why will it be awkward? Are they the kind of twats who take but don’t give?

Seriously it shouldn’t be awakened. Just let DH do the running around. Don’t do any cards, presents or visits for birthdays or Christmas.

Original poster

Doeslifebeginat40ornot · 28/02/2026 13:23

RachelGreep87 · 28/02/2026 12:23

Did you mean to type 80th instead of 40th?
Can't imagine anyone younger than that being put out about not receiving a card.

Perhaps read all my responses, it's a pattern of behaviour from them.

OP posts:

1HappyTraveller · 08/03/2026 17:39

Doeslifebeginat40ornot · 27/02/2026 17:20

Thanks all for your comments, even the ones that called me dramatic! I wanted to get an idea of what expectations are with in laws.

So I did a little digging and it turns out my bro in law's wife IS gifted cards and presents by them and generally celebrated. They also send messages on the family group WhatsApp chat to her on special occasions. I have not been added to any group like that with them and despite MIL having my number she doesn't message me pleasantries even though I have done to her.

I think that's my answer, so from now on I will give the same effort back to them. No more favours and helping them out, no more sitting and listening to them rabbit on about themselves endlessly and taking an interest in their lives, even though they ask me NOTHING. They don't even know what my job is! They've never asked.

DH is very supportive and wants to address it with them but I told him not to bother. I can't force them to like me. Atleast now I know for sure!

Sorry to read this update OP. Family dynamics are hard. It seems that you are being purposely left out and that’s just mean. It also surprises me that everybody else in his family will be fully aware that you are not in that family chat too, so it does make me also question them and how they seem to think this is okay too. Your husband sounds supportive given the situation which is good. However (unless I have missed it though?) why has he never mentioned anything before? I agree that matching their energy is the best option here. Protect yourself. Best of luck moving forward with this.

StuffFreedom · 09/03/2026 07:21

My in-laws are weird and it's going to bite them on the arse with big, sad family events ahead.
You need the good stuff in order to roll your sleeves up and pitch in when life is tough.
It was BIL's birthday recently but no in-laws or nephews and nieces put birthday greetings on the group chat so clearly I'm not the only one matching his energy.