Dd, autism and cake - Thread 2

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I had no idea that my first thread would fill up and I am in awe and overwhelmed at the amount of support.

I am going to re-read all the responses and make a plan. Thank you, this has been eye opening.

Why doesn’t DD1 discuss DD3? Have you spoken to DD3 about the impact of her actions on her sisters?

@Jellybelly80
You truly are a horrible person, to mock a child losing her dad.
I used it as an example of being able to still have a uni education even without attending school, to demonstrate OPs DD could get to uni.
Im more than aware everyone is different you clearly don’t! expecting everyone to comment and agree with you.

I’m letting you know that I’m not rising to the bait with your very confusing post and you can think of me what you want.

@Whattodo1610 , it’s been pointed out to me that the last post from @HortiGal was probably meant for you, based on what you said in your reply to her about everyone being different.

My DD lost her dad at 15, left school at 16 due to trauma/grief and then done a uni access course and is now at 20 in her 3rd year and uni.
Great for your dd - but you are very aware that every single person is different, copes, and does things in a different way, right?

OP simply doesn’t know what to do for the best, she’s drowning in all of this uncertainty. Making a huge change like this will likely be very detrimental to her dd. This kind of change needs time.

@Whattodo1610 exactly this 100%. Making changes needs careful consideration. This is has been the situation for 2.5 years so if it takes me and dh another few weeks or even months to make a plan then so be it.

Ok but are you sure you aren’t in “analysis paralysis”? Sounds rather like it and you could go round and round and round forever here.

@bendmeoverbackwards I’m not sure that advice about claiming benefits for her is a good idea. It sounds like you could do with doing less for her to encourage some independence, not more. You can claim benefits for someone else, but that’s really meant for people who can't understand or do it themselves, like people with severe learning disabilities.
I think your idea of stopping her allowance is a great one. Right now it sounds like she can live very comfortably without lifting a finger. If you stop the money and let her know you'll only start it up again if she goes back into education, gets a job, or even starts volunteering, it might actually motivate her to do something.
If you keep doing everything for her, she’ll never find out what she’s capable of. It’ll be far too easy for her to spend the rest of her life sat in her room, watching endless TikToks that encourage her to believe she’s permanently traumatised by a couple of normal setbacks in what seems like a very fortunate life. There's no reason to think that she's not capable of going on to study, work, and live a full life, she might just need a bit of a push and for you and your dh to stop wrapping her in cotton wool.

Hi op, I agree you have to make a change. There is autism in my family, not everyone diagnosed as that started to happen in gen z. But everyone works in some capacity.

The only reason she isn't working is because you are allowing her not to. Whether that's good or bad for autism I've no idea. I do know I'd feel awful if I spent all day in my room and had no structure. It wouldn't be good for me personally.

Could you perhaps appease her by saying something like 'ok you don't have autism we accept that. We are so sorry we have treated you like you do for so long. We will now be stopping your allowance as of x date. As of x date, further in the future if you want to remain living at home we require a financial contribution of £x a week to cover costs.'

Basically show her you respect her and believe in her by giving her the same treatment as your other children? I think just letting her carry on with no responsibility must be completely eroding her confidence and you need to show her that you think her capable.

I thought your husband’s reference to Ross Green is interesting - “children do well when they can.” It absolutely ignores the bare facts that she can’t do well, because she isn’t. And nor will she, because her entire life is set up to avoid any of the discomfort that real living involves. And it’s a handy get out clause for both her parents to continue to maintain the status quo.

Be that as it may, given that you strongly believe you’re ND too, if you were to be assessed and diagnosed, then she would see that actually it’s not that big a deal anyway and your life has turned out fine, and the sky didn’t fall in and no one died. She doesn’t have to do anything except observe this.

@PinkPhonyClub you are so right. I’m scared of making the wrong decision and making things worse. We’ve made wrong choices previously and I want to make sure what we do actually helps her.

Regarding the allowance - Dh and I saw the therapist this week and she suggested that rather than cut it off (ie making the decision as if dd were a child), we have an honest discussion with dd about money going forwards. To get her involved as an adult.

Are you seeing the therapist in relation to the issues around your daughter?

I think this is a good idea, but I also think you need to have an idea of what you want to get from the conversation if she doesn't contribute any useful suggestions.

My instinct would be to say she had 3 months to figure out a plan as that will be when her allowance is finishing and that you are available to discuss options further..eg uni, a job, benefits.

• Otherwise you could have the conversation, stir lots up on both sides and still not have taken even a baby step forward..

From previous threads she really doesn’t care, as no one is important as her.
The entire family must walk on eggshells around her to the extent that I think she expected her eldest sister to be banned from Family meals on her demand, and if she wished to be in the kitchen this sister must be made to leave?

@bendmeoverbackwards Op it’s great that your therapist has given you advice on going forward but you’ve been given the same advice here as well. For example this is a reply from me 4 days ago, and I’m not alone in saying what I did.

Then going forward you have to get your daughter’s finances sorted out. I don’t mean punish her by using money as a weapon. I mean explaining real life, that you can’t support her forever (even if you can and would be willing to) and if she won’t try to get a job then she can earn some pay at home from you for jobs done whilst waiting for her benefits to come through.
Edited

Can you maybe use what the therapist has said along with all the other posts saying the same thing to try and help you with the ‘analysis paralysis’ mentioned above.

💐

Some exaggeration here but it is true that we allowed dd3’s needs to dominate for some time. I am hugely regretful of this and we have made changes. There was a time that I was so invested in dd3 joining family events, my own happiness was largely dependent on her attendance (or not). Not any more - I shrug my shoulders and enjoy time with the rest of the family. And dd1 can sit in the kitchen for as long as she pleases, it’s her home. Dd3 has to wait and work around others and if she wants to eat alone she has to wait. I no longer get emotionally involved in this.

Dd1 is pretty busy with work, dance classes and so on and is out a lot. She is probably pretty pissed off with us as parents for not fighting her corner a bit more. But I think she can sense the change in me and I hope our relationship will recover. I just want to do my best by all of them and want them to feel loved and supported. Dd1 has always been a closed book and isn’t one for emotional talks so it’s hard to tell her feelings.

I’ve never heard of analysis paralysis before, thank you for mentioning this. I probably inherited an element of this from my late mum, who could never decide about ANYTHING. Used to drive me mad!

Thank you for reminding me to not be like her.

@bendmeoverbackwards your post of 17.21 was heartfelt and I’m sure I’m not the only who feels for you and can recognise themselves (at times) in your post.

At least not the bits that drove you potty. 😊

I agree with others that it’s good advice to treat her like an adult but I also think you need to set the parameters of the discussion ie that the allowance will be reducing/ ending but she can negotiate on the time frame or what to do instead. If she asks for the status quo just to continue indefinitely that is not an option.

I assume you don’t give the other girls an allowance? Treating them all fairly would be a good reason for it to stop.

The therapists suggestion of involving dd in conversation seems a good step forward but I think you need to be firmly on same page with your dh and not let it be controlled by her.
I can easily see it going pear shaped.
Eg you say we are stopping allowance from x date. She says you gave dd1 and dd2 an allowance until they were 21, I’m only 19. You say well they were studying and that was our required contribution. She says it’s not my fault I’m not studying I’m not studying because you paid for a false diagnosis/sent me to private school/whatever her latest complaint is. Everyone upset and still no decision made.

Out of left field is she arty at all? I know a teen with autism who has done art foundation yr as a sort of gap year. They have A levels and will be off to study an academic subject at uni eventually. The course is at a local college, lives ant home and seems to be very low demand. She’s doing something with textiles. Look for something as a gentle reintroduction to study. You could reassure her she is an adult you won’t have any involvement with college and if she chooses to put n/a in disability/additional needs box she is entitled to do so.

@Hellometime you’ve got her down to a tee. This is exactly the sort of thing she would say. And because she’s a damn fine arguer and knows how to get me, I might well be stumped at this point. What would you suggest I say next if the conversation goes this way?

I personally don’t think having a discussion about what you will do with the allowance will be productive because it’s about what you are doing not your daughter.

And the thing is you seem to get sucked into her excellent arguments… good for her… but ask her to be eloquent about what she is going to do (future focus) rather than endlessly debating what you did
(Not past focused).

My suggestion is that it’s time for DD3 to decide what she is going to do and then you can agree how the allowance will help her do that thing.

eg going to get a job - she can have the allowance for a 3 month maximum search and then it can taper down to a lower amount for a few months and still completely if she doesn’t get one within 9 months.

eg going to study / she can keep her allowance while she’s on the course but it will finish 3 months after the course ends or immediately if she drops out

eg volunteering- she can have the allowance for a year’s worth of volunteering of minimum 3 days a week

if she doesn’t want to do anything I suggest that’s when you tell her (not ask) that the allowance will be finishing on a particular date / maybe in a month - because it’s not helping her be an adult. And that she can can use that month to come up with a plan.

people with autism are more comfortable with black/white thinking, yes/no options so putting more firm boundaries in place would actually make your daughter feel more in control of herself (even as she hates the process of change).

And specifically if your DD keeps repeating the same old accusations, just keep refocusing her to future plans… broken record style.