Went to wedding reception without me

[Caton]

Yesterday morning, I asked my partner whether one of his friends got married last year - he had said mid year that his friend was getting married after the summer. I had heard nothing since and it popped into my head - thinking oh did the wedding actually go ahead. He said, yes I went to the reception. Unbeknownst to me. That weekend, he had stayed at his brothers house which is a 3/4 hour drive to this wedding reception. His only child also attends university about 20 minutes away from the venue. He only told me he was driving up to spend some time with his child. I had no idea about that being the reception/wedding date. He reserved a hotel when he got the invite (which I never saw) and didn't say that either. I was incensed - and frankly incandescent - so much that I hopped in the car drove to get a coffee and some fresh air. He had been staying at mine whilst he had appointments in town - His current situation is rather chaotic. He separated from his long term partner 18 months ago and moved out of the house definitively in October last year. For the past 6 months he has stayed either with his family or with a set of friends house-sitting as they travel quite a bit. He has looked to get his own place but that is still awhile away - and also he will have to put this jointly owned property up for sale in the next 12 months. It seems to me he likes to separate and compartmentalise his relationships. I have never met his child - nor any of his long term friends nor his family members. As a mature woman (formerly married) I find his behaviour, and secrecy very very odd. He seems to think he has done nothing wrong. Oh I didn't mention the difficulty I also have as the friend who got married is female and her close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner - and naturally was present - with her partner at this wedding reception. I just find this odd and am reconsidering this relationship. He is panicking and wants to go to couples counselling to discuss - as he doesn't understand why I am so incensed. Am I being unreasonable as I feel like I'm being asked to accept what is frankly unacceptable. He also said the invite was only for him - and that (conveniently) the invite was part of the whatsapp messages that were lost when he upgraded his phone.

He’s a cheat, a liar (by omission) and of no fixed abode. What are you doing with him?

Well you would say that wouldn’t you.

Heres some bullet points for you

1. Hes not your partner. He is - at best - a casual boyfriend
2. He only separated properly from his long term partner last October
3. He cheated on that partner for FIFTEEN YEARS
4. He hasn’t introduced you to any family, his child or any friends.
5. He lies to you
6. Hes clearly not financially stable
7. He is a cheater so if he hasn’t already then he will cheat on you
8. Hes clearly using you and is not that into you.
9. Get yourself an STD test and a bit of backbone- bin him fgs.

What a Prince among men he sounds. Seriously - did the barrel make a noise when you scraped the bottom to catch him? He sounds utterly awful. Why on earth do you want to be with a man who cheated for fifteen years???

close friend was in a casual relationship for many years with my partner, whilst he was living with his former partner

This confusion and secrecy is just life when you share it with a man capable of being unfaithful. You will never truly know what's truth or lies, always on unsteady ground, always second guessing everything. If he told you it was raining you would need to look out the window before you could believe him. Only you can know if you can live like that OP. This is just who he is, and while you say he's not been unfaithful to you, your gut knows what he's capable of and you will always be hyper vigilant.

So, he only moved out of the marital home in October, and you’re wondering why he didn’t think that was the ideal time for you to meet all his friends at a wedding? I’d say it was totally too soon.

i soundly like the secrecy though.

Well, to me, there was a reason why he didn't mention to you that he went/was going. He knew his ex would be there and he didn't want you giving him a hard time about it or giving him grief so chose the easy option. I assume he knows you are jealous of her? I don't agree with a PP who said that you would 'be in the way' as you mention she would have been there with her new partner, so that is not necessarily the case.

I think he just chose not to mention it to you for an easy life. It could well be that it wasn't a big deal to him.

Its up to you how big a deal this is to you and if you can move past it.

He left out the mention of the wedding, and all the small plans put in place to make it happen, and obviously didn’t mention it afterwards either. He screened. He made a few choices in each of those steps, but he’s not prepared to talk about them. For one, he didn’t want to introduce a new woman/partner into the group. That’s fine, but how about he says the uncomfortable thing and has a real conversation with you now? Maybe that’s how he felt at the time, maybe it’s still how he feels, who knows, he’s not open to talking.

secondly, you’re in a spin somewhat because he has this on/off sexual partner and I guess you might be wondering if her presence was being factored into his plans at that wedding? Or maybe not at all but it’s difficult for you to air out your thoughts if he’s not talking.

it isn’t really about whether or not you should have been invited, but it’s about the not being straight up, and now he’s acting all “whadididohuh??”

I think you’ll be really up against it trying to have a relationship with him. I’ve realised these types of blockers are not possible to ignore - Ty have to be able to say truthful things when if they are uncomfortable to say.. and it sounds like he’s just avoiding that.

Well apart from the fact that every update makes him more and more like someone I wouldn't touch with a very long barge pole...

Something else that occurs to me. Usually there is no-one more in love than a man with nowhere to live who meets a woman with a house. But although he stays sometimes (what appointments, exactly?) he hasn't actually pushed to move in with you. So he knows that would cramp his style and curtail his activities - whatever they may be.

I don't think this man sees you as his partner tbh.
He lied by omission because he knew it may be contentious and thinks its none of your business what he does .
You dont trust him ,get rid.

So he only moved out of the house he shared with his ex in October? He clearly doesnt take the relationship with you seriously and keeps everything seperate for a reason. Are you sure he was even 'separated' from his wife before October?

She reached out to you because she knows you are dating this man or do you know her for another reason?

Did she reach out to warn you about him?

Do you have kids, OP?
If so, imagine they were telling you about their partner and describing the chain of events of your partner / current situation.... would you be rejoicing that they found such a catch

Or would you hope they threw that catch back in the sea

Nothing illegal or reported in the news - but can't elaborate more.

Huh?!?! So he's done something dodgy then?

@JustAnotherWhinger She reached out to me to ask a favour not to warn me. And yes she knows we are and have been in a relationship for quite some time.

Can I ask, sorry if this has been said before, but why did the FWB’s stop being a thing? I mean it had been going on for 15 years!! So why stop?

I find it odd that a man you've been dating 18 months hasn't introduced you to his friends and family. His son is an adult, if he's at university, and not little, so again surely it's time you were introduced? Either your partner is trying to hide your existence or he doesn't view you or your relationship as long-term.

Are you absolutely sure he's separated from his partner? Or is there a possibility that you're not the only woman he's having a relationship with? In that he's living elsewhere some of the time, but he's telling you he's house-sitting or staying with his brother? It may be he met someone prior to you, who has been introduced to his family/friends/son, so he can hardly introduce you as well!!

You have no proof of you were invited to the wedding reception or not. It's possible the invitation was only for your partner but equally it could have been for him and another woman! Regardless, he's not being honest with you and is evasive.

He’s not going to change, is he!
Think this 1 needs chucking back, sorry hope you find a better 1.

@Kimsey1509 According to him, they fell out of lust. She was married at the time - separated ten years later and they had another 5 years post her separation. They had an on-off affair whilst both of them were partnered - she married and he with his partner. They also had kids at the same time during this period. Of note is that one of hers and his do resemble each other like siblings.

Maybe he was scared about how you would react. You’ve said you are jealous of his ex. Maybe he didn’t want the agro. I know I wouldn’t

Do you realise that you are another FWB to him rather than a partner? If you haven’t met any of his friends or family after 18 months he isn’t serious about you.

If you are after a long term relationship with honesty, respect and commitment you are not going to find that with this loser.

So you know her separately from him?

@JustAnotherWhinger Nope. I know her because of him - and vice versa in her case.

He’s only panicking that he might lose his very convenient living arrangements with you. I hope he does!

At the simplest level, he’s not emotionally available. It sounds like he has a track record of emotional unavailability even when he was married. He’s unlikely to change. He’s not your partner. This sounds like a convenient and semi-casual thing for him. He knew you already so didn’t have to put much effort in to get the benefits of a relationship but he’s not giving you much back. You clearly want more which isn’t unreasonable. Unless you’re just looking for casual companionship and sex and that’s enough for you, throw this one back.

It's not at all normal that he didn't mention the fact that he was attending this wedding to you. Attending a wedding is the kind of weekend plan you would mention to a partner, even one you didn't live with. He has made an express decision not to tell you. At best, he is trying to keep a clear division between you and other aspects of his social life, which isn't exactly indicative of a promising future.

Relationships aren't supposed to be hard and stressful. He wants relationship counselling now, but does he really need a counsellor to tell him it's odd to be secretive and separationist about you? Or is he actually just throwing you a bone in the hope of stringing you along for a few more months?

I didn’t think he was living with the op?