Will you want your parents' stuff when they die?

[OneWorthyLemonCat]

I'm a big declutterer, and now live pretty minimally. I have a one in, one out policy on new possessions, and try to only buy quality items that I really love.

I've just been thinking about my parents and in laws. They often make reference to DH and me and our siblings having their "stuff" when they die.

We'll barely wany any if it though.

Of my mums, I'd love her Ercol sideboard. Of my inlaws, we would love my MIL's collection of LeCreuset pans.

That's it. EVERYTHING else that they own will go to charity, or in a skip.

We don't share the same taste, and although DH and I have plenty of space, I know so many people have much smaller homes now. We also live differently to them - I would never use fine China, or serve cakes on a glass cake stand, or poach a whole salmon in a fish kettle, or serve drinks in crystal glasses, or use solid silver cutlery!

Which of your parents' possessions would you want? How do you think it will feel taking their worldly possessions to a charity shop? (I wonder if shops will be so inundated in 5-10 years that they stop taking donations anyway. I know many have stopped already). Does it make you live or think differently about your own approach to acquiring "stuff" through your lifetime?

DH and I dont have kids, and I'm very comfortable with the idea that our much loved possessions will have brought us happiness through our lives, but will end up at the rubbish tip when we're no longer here!

I'm keeping my mum and dads wedding rings and my dads st Christopher medal. He's been slowly decluttering his possessions for a few years now. Anything else will be the charity shop

That's exactly why I chose to keep my Mum's breadboard. I know exactly how you feel.

It would have been helpful to have known the speed. Part of the reason was because they had holidays booked, but my ‘holiday’ to take a breath wasn’t allowed. They didn’t know what things belonged to whom or what would be valuable in a sentimental way. I wouldn’t have thrown or bagged anything without checking first. I’d been there with one of them them sorting out paperwork for solicitors and could have taken some silly things which were important to me had I known that they were then going to go in all guns blazing immediately. There wasn’t a ‘what date suits all of us’. It was a ‘we are free on this date, join us if you can’.

We've brought my Mom a lot of ornaments over the years and she jokes that we'll each get back what we brought her. So I guess I'd look at it all, keep a couple of special pieces, keep aside a few special pieces for my kids and donate the rest. We look a good charity shop haul so I feel like she'd be good with me taking it there for someone else to love

We had to do the same with some of mum's and my grandmother's jewellery. When my mum first got dementia she would wrap items in tissue paper then throw them in the bin forgetting what she had done and thinking it was all rubbish.

I've kept them at home for safety.

My parents have lots of lovely art and I'm sure we'll take a lot of it but we won't have room for it all. There's a big painting with my siblings and I in it, my brother doesn't have space for it and also I think likes it less so I think sister and I will have to decide who gets it. There's jewellery and a fairly valuable old book collection that I know there are some specific books I'd like.

Either my sister will take the grand piano or we'd sell it and maybe give the money to our kids!

I very much hope our kids will have all left home by the time my parents are gone so things like furniture will be ofvmore use to them.

I get that - my mum died when I was 23 and my dad a few years after that. I've gradually decluttered more and more out, because I just wouldn't use them (sherry glasses from their wedding list in 1971 are the most recent ones) but I have to keep things that they actually touched - my mum's jewellery, my dad's flat cap, her wooden spoons and his running medals. It's been 30 years since I lost my mum and I think I'm missing her more than ever and I don't know why.

I didn't take any of my parents' stuff after they died. I already had enough of my own stuff. My mother's jewellery was given to her granddaughters. My brother kept the family photos, some of my father's books and an antique chair. The rest went to a charity shop for a few things, but mostly in a skip.

YANBU to not want their belongings, but YABU to not want crystal glasses. They make wine drinking a much nicer experience (and the structure of crystal on the liquid creates more taste and aroma vs glass glasses). Minimalism is one thing, but don’t let it run your life to the extent it rules out enriching experiences.

Have you spoken to your DH, any children too? They may want a different keepsake for sentimental reasons not just practical le creuset. I have a hideous small carved desk pen holder /tidy - a bear (!), ugly as, but my mum loved it, her brother swiped it for her from another sibling when their mum died as she liked it so much as a child. I feel I have to honour that at least! I’m gifting the hideous thing to my godson when I go, back the family line who originally had it. I’m sure he’ll be delighted 😀

I took all of my FIL 's pyrex bowls.theyre brilliant.
1.3 tonnes of junk went to the skip though. He kept everything.

I had a few personal items when my parents died , although as my dad remarried and I had a stepmother the circumstances were different. My DH died 4 years ago and he was a hoarder. I do honestly mean that, I'm not exaggerating. I decided to go through everything with our kids and dispose of everything that was unwanted. They kept a few keepsakes but most just wasn't wanted. I will carry on doing the same with anything of mine that isn't used now and would be unwanted by them. It was time consuming, upsetting and infuriating to deal with so much stuff. Edited to say it took a whole year to deal with the stuff.

'Will you want your parents stuff when they die?' - I don't even want half of MY stuff, but find it really really to chuck stuff away!

This is an interesting thread. All the posters who don't want their parents belongings would you ever consider having something like an 'open day', advertised, where people can come in a take what they want? maybe even for a small entry fee? there are so many people who would love an old china set, old soft furnishings etc.Charity shops near me all put out notices to say they're not accepting anymore stuff and i bet those house clearance companies are making a fortune from all the 'tat'. There are so many people who could use those things, refugees, those in terrible accomodation etc.

Interesting question. I too hate clutter and my parents live in a very large house that isn’t cluttered but have significantly more ‘stuff’ than I would ever dream of owning.

Like you, it’s the ornaments, the pictures, the posh china & cutlery, the crystal glasses, the specialist cooking implements, the traditional furniture….. we just won’t want any of it bar perhaps a couple of sentimental items like my dad’s pen & mum’s jewellery (& if DS1 has his own place with space I’m sure he would love their grand piano)

Sad really but I’m guessing we’ll get an auctioneer in for the more valuable stuff and then ultimately charity shop/ house clearance for everything else.

I wear my mum’s wedding ring and never take it off. We’ve got all my parents’ beautiful Ercol furniture and our adult kids are already fighting over it. I kept too much of their stuff but have gradually got rid of it, when I first cleared their house I got rid of some of my things to make room for theirs because they were better quality or I liked them better.

Both parents have long gone. They had nothing of real value other than photographs which were split equally between me and my siblings plus a collection of things which had been handed down to them. We each had one sentimental item that they had which belonged to my grandparents and their parents before them. I have my great grandmother's brown earthenware mixing bowl and use it often. My brother has our great great grandfather's huge woodworking trunk full of very old carpentry tools, each stamped with his initials. My other brother has a cabinet with a medal and certificate belonging to our great grandfather when he won a prize for growing a new type of rose.

I believe that precious items of our ancestors should be kept in the family. One cousin inherited our great grandfather's cabinet he'd made when he was an apprentice carpenter. We found out recently that when he moved house he sold it for peanuts. We're all very sad about this and would have bought it from him.

We will pass down a few special bits to our children but most of our stuff will be sold as it's not their taste.

Id be concerned that they were coming to grap anything of value and sell it so no Rather give to people or sell it myself

I’ve emptied my parents house and my PILs. I kept some very personal items, sold or donated the rest.

I would say it gets easier to let stuff go as time goes on. What nearly broke my heart 10 years ago isn’t so sentimental now, so bear in mind you can take your time a bit.

No.

Thing is, there’s often a mismatch between the items the owner values and those their relatives actually want as keepsakes. I’m not even 60 and have already tried to downsize and streamline everything I own to save my children the burden of dealing with it.

Bequeathing the stuff you love to people who don’t want it - whether priceless antique or generic old tat - is not an act of generosity, it’s hostile and controlling, and guilts the recipient into a horrible situation of either going against your wishes or indefinitely storing stuff they hate.

My MIL was a horror for this - constantly impressing on us which bits of brown furniture we’d be expected to have, and what we must do to look after it. As soon as she moved into a care home the whole lot went to clearance apart from a few bits of costume jewellery and some linen tea towels and kitchen spoons. They’re things I love and I do think of her when I use them, but she’d be aghast if she ever knew what was let go versus what we chose to keep.

DF on the other hand has tried to clear his possessions a bit since my lovely mum died, but inevitably throws out the wrong stuff (think binning off a whole collection of classic 1960s-80s vinyl in favour of keeping hundreds of CDs of soft rock rubbish which he assumes his grandchildren will prefer!). He’s tried to give DSis and me loads of mum’s garish 80s jewellery, which was expensive at the time, but we’ve only chosen to keep things like her lemon squeezer, plus old family photos and Christmas decorations.

In the end it’s all just stuff, and its only value is in the meaning it has for you whilst you own it. What happens to it after that is irrelevant and I’ve told my kids to do whatever the hell they want with any of it.

No but then mine doesn’t keep anything and has no photos on display (well one of her but that’s it). I’m not sentimental for anything from my childhood though or any reminders of it or of my mum which probably makes a difference.

theres also nothing really in her house from my childhood ( probably some photos in a cupboard) and shes no jewellery, no books no records and very few ornaments- probably two and one picture. She moved house after my dad died and replaced every single item of furniture she has now is new so nothing there.

We have lots of things that we’ve inherited over the years and I love them.
Every time I use them or dust them I think of the people they used to belong to (I know you don’t need ‘things’ to do that, but I like it).

I have small, practical things like an egg slicer that was my much loved Great Aunt’s that makes me smile every time I make egg sandwiches, and every year when I make mince pies, I use my Nan’s cake tins which also makes me happy.

We do also have a baby grand piano that belonged to my Grandparents. That made looking for houses interesting when we were looking to move! We do all play it though, so it’s not just a bit of furniture…

Trying to think what else I have. A clock that was my uncle’s, a large painting that I always loved of my aunt’s, a coffee table that my great grandad made, and actually looking around lots more things! And that’s not starting on things that my husband kept when his parents died…

Each to their own though. I’m not really in to having a ‘style’ and everything fitting together, but if you are then that’s what’s right for you I think. Things were important to the person who bought them, but it doesn’t mean they have to be important to you… they enjoyed them while they had them and that’s what matters!

I don’t know what we’ll do when my parents die as there are things that I would like to have from them…

Mum here. I hope my children aren't eyeing up my household items.

My dad said he THREW away a box of old letters that my grandparents had written to one another during the war. Now THAT'S something I'd want, not a load of old China.

This keeps me awake at night. I have slight hoarder tendancies myself - find it hard to throw things out because I might need them at some point/I like to have options/I spent good money on them.....so the thought of this x 100 when my parents' possessions are thrown into the mix is truly scary.

DDad is actually terminally ill, so he and DSM have been doing some "Swedish Death Cleaning" and getting rid of a lot of clutter, but they have a large house stuffed with beautiful furniture and items that I haven't a hope of finding room for. Lots of it is of no interest - silver tea service, anyone? - but there are some lovely things. They have a canteen of solid silver cutlery that I've always loved, a couple of paintings, and a beautiful tapestry that DDad did. Some great wine glasses. Sentimental stuff like a cushion embroidered by my grandpa while convalescing after being shot in WW1. DSM has some fabulous jewellery and a Chanel handbag that she knows I covet! But all of the grand furniture I have no use for. They did have a gorgeous carriage clock that I always loved, but that has disappeared somewhere.

DM doesn't have so much stuff - she's a lot less sentimental about things. Again, her jewellery is lovely (although in a fit of decluttering a few years back she sold her solid gold charm bracelet which I always loved - I actually cried when she told me). But the stuff she always tells me "will be mine one day" includes things like a hideous Viennese tea set, which I'm afraid will be straight off to the auction house.

But it will be the mundane things, like kitchen knives or cooking bowls which will probably hold the most memories....if I can just resist too much clutter.