Will you want your parents' stuff when they die?

[OneWorthyLemonCat]

I'm a big declutterer, and now live pretty minimally. I have a one in, one out policy on new possessions, and try to only buy quality items that I really love.

I've just been thinking about my parents and in laws. They often make reference to DH and me and our siblings having their "stuff" when they die.

We'll barely wany any if it though.

Of my mums, I'd love her Ercol sideboard. Of my inlaws, we would love my MIL's collection of LeCreuset pans.

That's it. EVERYTHING else that they own will go to charity, or in a skip.

We don't share the same taste, and although DH and I have plenty of space, I know so many people have much smaller homes now. We also live differently to them - I would never use fine China, or serve cakes on a glass cake stand, or poach a whole salmon in a fish kettle, or serve drinks in crystal glasses, or use solid silver cutlery!

Which of your parents' possessions would you want? How do you think it will feel taking their worldly possessions to a charity shop? (I wonder if shops will be so inundated in 5-10 years that they stop taking donations anyway. I know many have stopped already). Does it make you live or think differently about your own approach to acquiring "stuff" through your lifetime?

DH and I dont have kids, and I'm very comfortable with the idea that our much loved possessions will have brought us happiness through our lives, but will end up at the rubbish tip when we're no longer here!

We have started our declutter at 60/62 due to my recent illness. I was given two years.

My DC knows who is having what and a lot of furniture is moving next week with our son.

I collect blue and white antique china and Persian rugs. Both will go to auction when I die.

My designer bags are listed for my friends, my jewellery to my daughter and my largest ring to my son for a future wife.
My parents lived with us so we cherry picked the best furniture twenty odd years ago. I don't own any Ikea.
My husband gets my house, cars and my money. My bff will do my clothes. Others may send designer togs to the charity shop.
I am doing a cull weekly anyway.

To everyone worrying just don’t. The owner of the stuff has loved and cherished it during their lifetime that’s the bit that matters.

if a few special bits go to a relation that’s great. If some wonderful things go to junk/antique stores also great. As someone will go in that store find it and it will be theirs to cherish for the next few decades.

me personally - stuff of my childhood I would have liked was disposed of years ago. Left somewhere and ruined. I have a couple of books my grandparent wrote in the front of for me in a special box with things like that. That’s all I have. I’ve added little things like that from when my dc was young to also keep.

I’d have loved some of my maternal grandmas things it was all disposed of and I got nothing. I was called to say she had passed (not given a chance to get there in time to say goodbye) and then called 24 hours later to say it’s all been sorted through and gone to charity. I’m still heartbroken about that.

My mum has stuff everywhere but it’s all just upsetting. Special gifts from me shoved in cupboards never even opened, mementoes we bought her as kids not out but then random stuff she’s found for 10p in a jumble sale everywhere. Really upsets me. She now gives me stuff like this as gifts or just to get rid of it I think as she says she’s decluttering to sale (she said that for ten years). Anything she passes on to me I get rid of. If it was precious things related to my grandma or from our childhoods I’d love it.

I inherited my GP's 1960s teak table and it's a thing of beauty! It was bought from Heals, and expands to seat 12 people. It was a bit marked when I got it, so I stripped/varnished it. This saw us through the child-rearing years, when it withstood plenty of punishment, then a couple of years ago I threw money at it, and had it properly restored and french polished. I adore it, and there are so many memories of happy family meals, past and present. One day will shell out for some better midcentury chairs to go with it.

DM, on the other hand, has some ghastly shiny repro thing, and DDad has a massive gloomy dark oak table. I am very glad GP's table skipped a generation and ended up with me.

I have cleared a couple of houses now and it's not easy for some people . My mother died suddenly and my father asked us to clear out her things as it made him sad. She didn't have much jewelry so my sis and I took what we wanted . My aunt , her sister took her shoes . Clothes were donated and received gratefully as she had nice. My father then decided to have a look at what else he could get rid of . Such a shame to see unopened and unused things some too old or dated to use. Makes me determined to use all my stuff .
So I use the crystal for salad or stick Easter candles in the silver candelabra drink from expensive wine glasses , stick flowers in the vases or use them in garden . Even though I had my own I preferred to use the copper bottomed pots from the 70s so gave away the newer stuff. I do have large display cabinets that have random items that mean stuff to me and I like having them as everything has a story . But my kids can just chuck it . Lately as they have become older they have taken an interest in some items . My DD has taken some jewelry, DIL also took some household things .

We say we are not interested in stuff and yet there are so many shops that sell ornamental stuff , baskets , wreaths , flowers so somebody must like acquiring stuff !

My mother wanted me to have so much of her things that were important her, that she treasured like the "good" furniture, china, crystal etc but I have my own home and belongings.

I ended up keeping her jewellery, the odd small item and cried when the guys came to take what could be auctioned and house clear the rest. Not so much because of the things themselves or the value but because of the sentiments attached to them.

Definitely not. My MIL is dying to pass on numerous dinner sets that she inherited from her mother, old fashioned copper “glass” ware and books. We don’t use more than one dinner set, wine tastes revolting in copper glasses and we have diametrically opposed tastes in reading material so we’ll have to cross that bridge when we get to it.

Very fortunately for this family, we have a cousin who is greedy. Not sure if they are defined as a hoarder, because house is spotless but loft, storage, sheds, garage stuffed to the roof - but all super tidy. The volume is staggering. If there's a death in the fam, this cousin arrives, with trailer 'to help'. They take anything and everything, even rubbish! In case there's something useful there. Their DC beg them to stop, but are laughed off, because 'you never know when you might need all this stuff, then you'll see'
Nightmare.

My MIL has serious issues with letting stuff go. I’m dreading when they pass.

I’ve got designs on the 80s electric knife at my mums house don’t make them like they used to 😆 also photos, sentimental items etc

No, my parents aren’t together, they’ve both moved and all of their stuff has changed from when I was a child so there’s nothing that would jump out at me that I’d want to keep for sentimental reasons. I already have all of my old photos we had, there weren’t many. They also don’t own anything valuable. But neither of them are the type to hold on to stuff, so it’s not like I’m going to have a house they’ve lived in for 50 years full to the brim of memories to go through.

My DW on the other hand is the opposite, when we cleared her DGPs house, (they raised her) she kept way more than I was comfortable with. Have boxes of their things upstairs that I want her to go through. I think in grief it was hard for her to let go of everything - and we got rid of a lot, but towards the end she just started putting more and more in the keep pile. The only thing I think was nice to keep was an old Santa, as we can put it out each year and is something we’d use.

But we’re trying for a baby so if we have a baby the stuff needs to be whittled down. We have her bag, purse, comb, hairspray, money jar, skirt, paperwork, some dolls and teddy’s, ornaments, clocks, alarm clock, huge folders with family trees in. But there’s also a box of her grandads sisters belongings, and her nans cousin. All old and interesting things, but of no interest to us. Our only cupboard and under both beds in our room and spare room is just full of it. I hate clutter so it’s annoying to be but it’s not just my house so it will stay there until something forces us to get rid of it

I lost my Dad last week. I’ve spent more time at their house than usual. I don’t normally go in the upstairs rooms, but I was shocked at how full they are. My Dad was very into local and family history, and he has so many files of research. No idea what we’ll do with them. I’m determined to help my Mum declutter when she’s ready, so that it’s more manageable for her.
I don’t think there’s much of my Dad’s stuff I’d want. Maybe a shirt to make into a memory cushion or bear. Photos will be the most important thing to me when my Mum goes.

I did bring some things home when we cleared our parents' house. Some of that I have re-homed. I'm using the craft stuff, there were some books I kept, a couple of small pieces of furniture and some jewellery. I have siblings and they kept some things also but the vast majority of the 60 years' worth of stuff was either donated or cleared & binned.

I kept a few pieces of furniture and my dad’s car. I obviously kept lots of photos and a few school reports, letters etc. The things I’m most glad I kept were a few items of clothing. Some of my Dad’s socks and a hoodie. Some of my Mum’s pyjamas. Keeping stuff that can be used or worn has helped me to feel close to them.

But taking to the tip dozens of cards my Mum had received from pupils she taught and their parents… that absolutely broke my heart. I kept some of course but just couldn’t keep them all.

I am an only child, I live overseas.
no kids of my own.
My mum is 86, has dementia, fiercely independent and stubborn as fuck.
I get back to see her every 3 months or so and suggest clearing some of her clutter … the house is heaving with all manner of shit.
She says she can’t be bothered and I can do it when she’s dead 🙄😏
There is soooo much glassware, crockery and cutlery and loads of ornaments. It will all be going in a skip. I really can’t be arsed with it all.
I regularly throw stuff in the bin when she’s not looking. The stuff is ridiculous- I don’t want any of it😩

My DGMIL started decluttering her house while she was alive. Then she got cancer and died before she could finish. Such a morbid thing to do but actually really thoughtful and was much appreciated when it was all left to me and my wife to sort as her sister was preganant and her dad abroad.

Can understand why your mum doesn’t want to do it though. I’d probably just hire someone to do it for me if I was in your shoes. It’s a horrible and heartbreaking jobs

DH is a total hoarder so if he dies before me I am doing a MASSIVE declutter. I keep telling him every time he brings in some new crap ( most recently was a portable forge).

parents are both quite minimalist, but most of their stuff is art and sculptures. They have brilliant taste IMO- both grew up in poverty and as soon as they had disposable income they set about buying really lovely things. None of it massively pricey really, just very thoughtfully collected. I think my sister and i will divide things up fairly amicably, but as she lives in Australia with them i expect she will probably take on the house and we will just have an understanding of what is mine so to speak. We have done something similar with DH's cousin- she inherited some massive oil paintings from her parents she can't fit in her small flat so we are hanging them along our stairs but everyone knows they are hers.

@whymadam ,some people are tidy hoarders. My DH was one, lots of stuff, all sorted into the type of thing, but tons and tons of it.

When my eldest moved, I let her take some things she wanted, like some Le Crueset and other kitchen stuff and some vintage clothes. I have a couple more things that she wanted for her to take on her next visit.

I do have a nice teak MCM dining room set, a Concept rower, and a few other nice things that they can keep or sell. I'm in the let go phase so I've decluttered a lot and keep it up. I don't want them to have to have a huge job clearing out my stuff when I take the long dirt nap.

I've already said to my mum that if she doesn't clear out of the loft before she passes, I will just burn the house down!

When my grandma died (grandfather had passed a few year before) I cleared her house with the assistance of youngest DS. Jesus bloody wept! The loft, I kid you not had probably 30+ sets of seat cushions for outdoor furniture. I reckon she got my granddad to put them up there every autumn and then either forgot or didn't like them anymore and she'd make a new set (she was a seamstress). There's was even the rolled up wool carpet from from the lounge from 40+ years ago!!!!

I had 3 pieces of Ercol furniture from the 60's, which are still sold new today. My aunt had the Ercol sideboard.

I also bought back 8 larges boxes of dinnerware, Royal Doulton, copious amounts of Mindwinter pottery, ornaments, decorative plates, glassware, the list went on and on. Couldn't get anyone to buy any of it, so the lot went to auction. Stuff that would have cost thousands over the years, but completely out of fashion now, and I think I got £24 for everything after commission.

I have all her jewellery, multiple photo albums, my granddad's photo negatives - which were all mounted in cardboard frames for those machines that you could project on to the wall to see them bigger.

My granddad was an artist so I have framed some of his watercolours. There are still loads more unframed ones at my mums that she doesn't know what to do with.

As well as being an artist, my granddad was also an Art teacher. Not that we knew until after he'd died, he'd created a scrap book of his students work newspaper articles of his and their achievements. I've tried contacting the school he worked at (for well over 40 years), thinking it would be good for their alumni, but never heard back.

My Dad died in December and I only asked for three things from his possessions - his cardigan, his watch and his glasses.

I have his glasses and watch in my office at home and his cardigan, I like to cuddle up to if I cant sleep.

He had heaps and I mean heaps of stuff and it's unrealistic to expect his kids to take it all. So we all picked out what was important to us.

I am struggling to accept how the glasses, cardigan and watch are all that is left of the huge character that was my old Dad. But I am so grateful and glad that I have them.

I think the current charity shop policies of not accepting goods has effected people's generosity.
I worked in the sector for years and I noted the power play some staff had saying no to donors who had brought things in. Yes some was rubbish but that was the minority.
We have a local hospice charity and they use to have a Saturday morning collection point at their warehouse. Great for young working people. They closed it because they couldn't be arsed (I was SLT so I I knew the reasons).
They now have a funding crisis again and it may help to accept donations not turn away stock.

Fortunately I have 4 younger siblings, and I and 3 of them aren't especially sentimental, so clearing out will be easier.

The one who is sentimental will want to have (and will be welcome to) Mum's immense perfume, clothes and shoe collections. The only things I would want are maybe some kitchen gadgets, and Christmas tree decorations. I know I'm already willed some jewellery items, which I will store to keep for my own daughter. But since their demise is a long time away I hope most of it will be outdated and can just be either donated or into the bin.

My husband's parents on the other hand.... There will be very little I would ever want, but my husband is all kinds of sentimental (our attic is already packed with his junk) and will want a load of it. Maybe I should start a storage fund for the future.....

My Mum is an artist and her whole home is full of carefully chosen items to fit with the theme and colour scheme of the room. My parents live in a very large 5 bed house which has been further extended to add a conservatory and every room has many displays of tastefully arranged items. She has a huge kitchen and every gadget known to man and woman, and a studio packed to the rafters with art supplies for every type of art you can imagine. Crochet, knitting, embroidery, dress-making, batik, painting (from watercolours to acrylics to oils), sketching, it's all there. Even the garden is full of statuettes and potted plants.

It will break my heart to give or throw it all away one day, as everything in it is so personal to her, but there's just no way that all that stuff (all of it good quality and beautiful) can be fitted into our already full 3 bed terrace.

All my Dad has that is personal to him is a collection of wooden animals, some DVDs and a few teddy bears so I'm not so worried about that.

I had some of my mum's jewelry when she died and also medals that were my great grandads
Dad went on a bit of a mad clear out after my mum died so I doubt there's much left now.

When my grandparents died, I was taking everything as I knew what it had meant to them and felt I was throwing things out like they didn’t matter. I was being silly, my mum took me to one side and said “take a couple of things which you love and treasure them, they aren’t your memories, they aren’t your life, build your home to suit you and your life, not theirs”. I thought thst was brilliant advice, which I have passed in to my dc. I have given mine permission to just throw the lot, if that’s what they want. I think taking what you’ve said is enough. I have some jewellery and a couple of special pieces and think of my grandparents every time I look at them, they make me happy.

We have been through this in recent years, following the deaths of my MIL, then my mum and most recently, my FIL. I have kept some smaller things, that I have a sentimental attachment to, but the big things - furniture etc - were not things I wanted or needed. As you said, @OneWorthyLemonCat, they didn’t fit with our style - and to be honest, we have all the furniture we need, and we want the stuff we chose, not the stuff our parents chose.

I know my mum wanted one of my adult dses to have her dining table and chairs, but it was not at all practical for them to have them - one already has a family home, with furniture they have chosen, one lives in Australia, and the other would not like my mum’s style of furniture at all. So we nodded along when mum talked about it, and then made the right decisions for our family. So far, she isn’t haunting us.