Will you want your parents' stuff when they die?

[OneWorthyLemonCat]

I'm a big declutterer, and now live pretty minimally. I have a one in, one out policy on new possessions, and try to only buy quality items that I really love.

I've just been thinking about my parents and in laws. They often make reference to DH and me and our siblings having their "stuff" when they die.

We'll barely wany any if it though.

Of my mums, I'd love her Ercol sideboard. Of my inlaws, we would love my MIL's collection of LeCreuset pans.

That's it. EVERYTHING else that they own will go to charity, or in a skip.

We don't share the same taste, and although DH and I have plenty of space, I know so many people have much smaller homes now. We also live differently to them - I would never use fine China, or serve cakes on a glass cake stand, or poach a whole salmon in a fish kettle, or serve drinks in crystal glasses, or use solid silver cutlery!

Which of your parents' possessions would you want? How do you think it will feel taking their worldly possessions to a charity shop? (I wonder if shops will be so inundated in 5-10 years that they stop taking donations anyway. I know many have stopped already). Does it make you live or think differently about your own approach to acquiring "stuff" through your lifetime?

DH and I dont have kids, and I'm very comfortable with the idea that our much loved possessions will have brought us happiness through our lives, but will end up at the rubbish tip when we're no longer here!

(Btw she also has a lot of expensive jewellery which is not really to my taste, lots of big diamonds in simple settings and 24 kt gold- but that takes almost no space up so I will keep it all and probably pass it on to my daughter if it's more her thing.)

My mum has shelves and shelves of trinkets. Most isn't me but there are a few small bits I'd like but in reality I have nowhere for them so I don't know.

They have a peice of land that in my head I'd love to have a small holding on but in reality that will never happen. If I was serious about it, I could probably persuade them to give it to me now tbh.

My mum has loads of jewellery but non of it is to my taste and she's already told me she's leaving it all to someone else anyway. 🤣

My Dad has a room piled up with items belonging to his hobby. I've no doubt some of it is valuable but I wouldnt have a clue where to start.

I deal with wills at work and some make me laugh. When people write I give my BHS polka dot crockery missing 3 plates to my daughter and everything else I leave to my son.

My MIL has so many fine pieces of furniture, paintings, antiques, glassware, even gorgeous garden urns. There is other stuff in an attic, in a barn - including a classic car. It’s a beautiful listed Queen Anne house. I just want to live simply in a bungalow preferably by the sea. We are going to have to clear the house very soon as she’s very frail and extremely elderly. I would maybe love some of her china and a few little ornaments but I’m not really an ornament person. We will probably get a firm of auctioneers in to handle most of it, ask relatives if they want anything but we’re at an age ourselves where we need to declutter and get ready to downsize.

I wanted to keep everything of my mums.
There had been stuff of hers stolen between her death & her partners death, all during lockdown.
Whether it had been his carers or (adult) kids I wasn't able to point a finger or prove anything.
Most of the house stuff went in a skip.
Broke my heart.
Glad now that I couldn't get more stuff home tbh. But fucking awful at the time

When mum died I got her engagement ring and had it redesigned, it's to my taste now! I also got mum and dad's collection of Waterford crystal wine and champagne glasses (flutes), whisky tumblers and brandy glasses, which are used every time we have a glass of.... and they are not just for good use at all. Very heavy to lift to your mouth though especially when full ha ha. May they rest in peace, the best parents anyone could wish for.

My mum is a hoarder much to my dad's dismay. She said when we cleared my grandparents chockfull house that we wouldn't have to do the same after she went. Hmm...
Anyway, there are only a few things I'd like, a particular book, their LPs, plants from the garden, and their photos. Everything else will sadly go

I think having jewellery redesigned is a really nice way to keep a part of your loved one with you.

Personally, having one or two items, or jewellry from parents, that does not take up much space is fine.
The problem is that parents may not know what it is that you want, and in decluttering, throw out too much.
I have already given away some items to DC and DDIL, and would probably give away more, if it were not for DH, who wants to hang onto stuff.
I remember my DM telling me that when her grandparents died (large victorian house full of clutter), her mother (that is my DGM), asked for ONE item from the house, but her brother had already given it away, and she was rather upset.
So, to my mind, I am inclined to ask my DC if there is anything they want first, before taking to charity shops.

We have just been through this, clearing a house, which fortunately MiL had already cleared when she downsized.

Helpful thoughts.

• Some items are so much better quality than currently made. We love having our breakfast orange in MiL’s crystal glasses rather than our cheap supermarket tumblers! The hand blown glass water jug is also a joy. We smile at the handcrafted side table brought back from travels abroad.

• Let relatives ‘choose’ their own sentimental items, it can surprising what others value and remember. It was a great ‘coming to terms’ talking point especially for our young adult DC’s.

• Clear your own clutter. I was under the impression that ‘house clearance’ companies, came, valued stuff, bought it, cleared the rest and paid us, minus their transport/removal costs. How wrong was I - clearly other peoples ‘stuff’ is mainly not worth much. We were quoted upwards of £1000 for clearance of a small two bed bungalow!

• Local sale rooms are a great option. We put together ‘banana boxes’ of household items, which went to auction. Averaged £12 per box of which there were loads - bought us a family meal out! Additionally they also sold the furniture, dinner sets etc.

• MiL put labels on so many things - such as a bagged set of cards - labelled with ‘please look at these, they are all HANDMADE’ (mainly by one of her friends, over 20 years!). It did make us smile, imagining her insisting we did as asked!

• It was easier for me to clear MiL’s clothes, than my DH, slightly less personal.

MIL just died recently so we are discussing this and his siblings each have different views about it. Obviously the majority of stuff will not be useful for us inheriting in our 50s but I wish I'd got some of my grandparent's stuff when they died so I think that it makes sense to ask the grandchildren what they want - I've told DH to suggest all the granddaughters get to choose from the jewellery for example. But also friends and extended family might want reminders of loved ones rather than just keeping it for direct decendents.

I've started putting together a list of what we'd like, some furniture, lot of the art (DH's grandmother was a reasonably well known artist so her art is being split evenly between the siblings), some jewellery, some Christmas decorations. Mum's house has things I loved from my grandparent's house. Maybe it depends how good quality the things are in the first place, to take an extreme, I'm sure the King didn't put anything in a skip when his mother died but if your family are poorer there might be a lot of stuff but not actually anything valuable.

Yes I do hope that poster meant you’d pay for a clearance out of the proceeds of the will. If not why would you spend your own money ?!

Mum is end of life at the moment and Im looking through her stuff now.

She's had her own rooms here in my house the past 20 years and they are rammed with stuff

She hoards everything and because everything needs a home she has more furniture then enough

One of her spare rooms she has her husbands grandparents bedroom furniture and the huge sofa bed from her house, and 2 Ikea bedside cabinets, then she's filled that furniture and then got hold of a huge big stationary cupboard and has filled that and a filing cabinet - and they are all filled with things are are neither use nor ornament

Every drawer and cupboard has stuff .

Even in hospital she's hoarding. - the wee plastic cups they give her oral meds in, every visit she has a pile of them to give to DH - cos they will come in handy for something

There's one chest of drawers that she has linens in that I will keep and the fitted wardrobes in one of the bedrooms and that's it . I think it will take us a year to go through it all. Luckily its already in my house so I have time

The sad thing is shes always thought that things she's hoarded are worth something , this ornament, that painting, and they arent worth anything . Maybe they were at one time but fashions and tastes change.

She has a few bits of jewellery that's she's bequeathed. Her will states that her possessions are to be split between me and my little sister who is in Oz who has told me to get rid of the lot as she's still dealing with her late mother in laws - died 6 years ago

I’m worried about it already as my DH cannot throw stuff out. Our kitchen utensils are his great grandmother’s. I’ve got a feeling that we will end up living in a mausoleum when his parents are gone. And their house is a throwback to the 80s.

Mum died nearly 30 years ago and dad 15 years ago. Thankfully my dad downsized fairly ruthlessly as he moved to a flat after mum died. I’m not very sentimental about things. I’ve got some bits of jewellery and some nice serving dishes and cookware that remind me of her when I use them. I’m sure she’d be miffed that I haven’t kept any of her Lladro or Royal Doulton ornaments that were so expensive when she got them but can scarcely be given away now, but I have always disliked clutter. DH kept some football memorabilia and model railway stuff from his dad, and I’ve got some lovely glass vases and an antique metronome which I’m fond of. MIL also left me some of her jewellery. All the furniture went to house clearance apart from an antique bureau of dad’s. I don’t expect my DC to keep much of mine. Tastes change, and unlike my mum, I acknowledge this and aren’t offended by it.

When my dad passed away I had his art materials, a few books, his tweed cap, watch, DAB radio, binoculars and a couple of rugby shirts.

So mum is still in the family home. She's very organised and tidy so has more or less done the Swedish death cleaning thing. When the time comes it'll be:

Her and my nan's wedding rings
A Murano glass bowl and paperweight that were gifts from my uncle
The button tin
My dad's little collection of Buddhas
The stamp and coin collections
Photos

I'd also like a cutting of the hydrangea in the garden. It grew from my nans plant after she died in 1982 so it would be nice to keep it going.

I’m intrigued by the wedding rings. Do they not go with the person who has died I mean stay on their finger? My dad didn’t have one , my mums still alive and had stopped wearing hers but when my dad died she bought one ( I wonder if she still wears it I’ve not noticed). But I’d assumed she’d keep it on.

I don’t want anything at all. Probably some art work I did years ago that is hanging on their walls but wouldn’t be bothered if I don’t recover it, other than that… absolutely nothing.

I don’t want to be left with all the clutter they will leave behind either. Apart of food, my mother doesn’t bin anything!

Wedding rings are removed for cremation. Most people are cremated these days.

@FruAashild Regarding the King not getting rid of QE11 stuff. Obviously not jewelry or State crowns, etc . but what about her clothes , shoes , handbags . Whose going to want those ? There is only so many things for for display in museums maybe . Wonder do they store all the rest - and is the State paying storage fees ?

My MiL has decluttered and downsized several times over the past 50 years or so and we have been given lots of things that were important to DH and which I have appreciated as well. We have the dining table and chairs which were made tor DH's Gt Grandparents by the workers on the farm they owned and a non functioning Grandfather clock. We also have the same grandfather's desk - a massive roll top affair with secret compartments and drawers. We also have boxes of old photos and family records.

No one who knew my parents would have called them hoarders however they had a habit of filling packing cases when they moved house and never unpacking them. We live in the house that they bought in 1978 and rumour has it that at the back of the loft there are still boxes from their first move in 1967! I reckon my DC will abandon most of our stuff and head straight for those.

Although we do have some collections that I know that one or two of the DC will want - vintage books and vintage toys. But so far as the rest of the stuff is concerned they can do whatever they want.

My daughters have put their mental markers on various things, if I buy something new one may say That's got my sticker on it!, but I hav no illusions about the majority of my things.
My late MIL was the end of various family lines and had the most amazing amount of junk, we went one weekend and she was in the process of throwing stuff out. We had a look through and rescued lots of stuff, Christmas cards and poems from the Somme, birth, marriage death certificates for example but there were also hundreds of photos of people no-one recognised which we chucked.

My mother was like you. One in one out and quality over quantity. She moved countries a few short years before she died so really got rid of any extra stuff too. When she died I took a couple pieces jewellery, a couple scarves from the 70s, and I want her hand painted dessert set but that has yet to be located (my sisters packed her stuff and it’s still in boxes under their own stuff). That’s it.
I will be putting my house on the market this time next year as we are off to live abroad for a year. I have way too much stuff. Of course I love it, but my kids don’t! But I’m still alive, as are your parents, so don’t want to get rid of all of it now. But clearing the house out will definitely concentrate things. I am under no illusion though that what I treasure my kids will in turn.

I’m currently in the middle of sorting out a house stuffed to the gills with stuff.
So far the only thing I have kept is the 10 bottles of Ariel liquid detergent, (why so many?) I don’t want anything else and neither it appears does anyone else. I have asked everyone I know and asked them to enquire with their families and friends but no takers at all.
We are currently on our 300th trip to the tip and have hardly made a dent in their belongings.

Speaking as a daughter, I’m eyeing up stuff and thinking how the hell are we going to get rid of it.

what a horrid and disgusting post. Raking over your parents things like this !