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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t move house

174 replies

sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:36

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here other than some empathy if anyone is in the same position?

It’s a simple enough story - DH and I have lived in our current house for over 10 years. We are both 40 and have young children. I’ve been wanting to move for a while now - don’t like the area and house not fit for purpose. DH always brushes me off when I suggest it. We’ve got really awful neighbours and I had it out with DH recently saying we absolutely had to get away. He could see I was really upset so he finally agreed! But since then he’s been dragging his heels - won’t put the house on the market, dismissing every house I’m interested in. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s just gaslighted me and has no intention of moving. What can I do? I feel so trapped and powerless. I can’t very well force a move without his consent seeing as he owns half of the house.

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 26/02/2026 07:37

What are his reasons for wanting to stay in that house?

Original poster
sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:38

I should add, DH earns much more than me so has contributed a lot more to this house financially than I have, so am I being a spoilt brat to want to move?!

OP posts:
Brewtiful · 26/02/2026 07:39

Why does he want to stay would be my starting point. Does he not agree that the house is not fit for purpose? Does he like the area and tolerate the neighbours?

Sassylovesbooks · 26/02/2026 07:41

Has your husband told you why he doesn't want to move? Simply saying he doesn't want to move, isn't a reason! Has he told you why he wants to stay in your current house? You need to get to the bottom of both, and the only way is to have a calm conversation.

Is your husband very reluctant to change in other areas? Some people can't deal with change, because it makes them anxious.

Unfortunately, no, you can't move without him on board. However, he owes you a proper, rational explanation, because 'I don't want to move', isn't a reason not too!!

NewYearNewMee · 26/02/2026 07:41

Why doesn’t he want to move? Can you afford to move?
Will moving mean longer commutes, further from school, further from family etc?

You say the house is unsuitable but don’t say how, is there anything that can be done to improve that? Bad area is harder to deal with though!

Original poster
sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:42

EnterFunnyNameHere · 26/02/2026 07:37

What are his reasons for wanting to stay in that house?

Pure inertia mainly. Moving house is a massive ballache. Plus the fact is that by moving to a nicer area with a bit more space around us, we’d probably have to make a slight sacrifice in terms of the house itself. Our house is admittedly nice because we’ve done so much work to it. I just wish I could pick it up and put it somewhere else. Obviously we are never going to find a house that’s done just to our taste like our current one is.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/02/2026 07:42

Why does he want to stay? Im not sure why it’s ‘gaslighting’, you want something that he doesn’t, you started an argument about it so he’d agree and now he’s dragging his feet, not sure why that makes him abusive. Moving house is a big deal and very stressful, and it’s very annoying if he won’t properly discuss it especially as you are kind of at his mercy.
But id want some good solid reasons (in a calm environment) for why he’s dragging his feet the you can talk through the issues.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 26/02/2026 07:44

How does he cope with change generally?

You dont need to look at new houses yet. Your focus is getting yours sold. If he has said he will love take him at his word and start the process yourself.

Twattergy · 26/02/2026 07:44

Have you lead a bit on the actual 'doing', ie getting several agents round to do valuations? Booked in some viewings? I this situation I think Id say 'Im more motivated than you on this so I'll lead on it and let's see what happens'. Putting house on market and looking at houses doesn't force anyone to move, but it gives you the option. If you get the ball rolling he may get more on board?

Brewtiful · 26/02/2026 07:45

It doesn't sound like the house is not fit for purpose given your update?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/02/2026 07:45

sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:42

Pure inertia mainly. Moving house is a massive ballache. Plus the fact is that by moving to a nicer area with a bit more space around us, we’d probably have to make a slight sacrifice in terms of the house itself. Our house is admittedly nice because we’ve done so much work to it. I just wish I could pick it up and put it somewhere else. Obviously we are never going to find a house that’s done just to our taste like our current one is.

Show quote history

If you stay put for another few years will you be able to afford something a little better in the new area?

Silverbirchleaf · 26/02/2026 07:45

Maybe go and visit a couple of houses to show him what’s available?

Original poster
sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:46

Sassylovesbooks · 26/02/2026 07:41

Has your husband told you why he doesn't want to move? Simply saying he doesn't want to move, isn't a reason! Has he told you why he wants to stay in your current house? You need to get to the bottom of both, and the only way is to have a calm conversation.

Is your husband very reluctant to change in other areas? Some people can't deal with change, because it makes them anxious.

Unfortunately, no, you can't move without him on board. However, he owes you a proper, rational explanation, because 'I don't want to move', isn't a reason not too!!

Well he likes the house well enough and I guess he has thicker skin than I do with regards to the neighbours. When I said the house wasn’t fit for purpose that was a bit much really, we have enough bedrooms and enough space for example. But the layout is crap and the outdoor space inadequate. And I hate the village.

OP posts:
Original poster
sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:47

Sassylovesbooks · 26/02/2026 07:41

Has your husband told you why he doesn't want to move? Simply saying he doesn't want to move, isn't a reason! Has he told you why he wants to stay in your current house? You need to get to the bottom of both, and the only way is to have a calm conversation.

Is your husband very reluctant to change in other areas? Some people can't deal with change, because it makes them anxious.

Unfortunately, no, you can't move without him on board. However, he owes you a proper, rational explanation, because 'I don't want to move', isn't a reason not too!!

Yes he is very anti-change. His parents lived in the same house their entire lives and he seems to think that’s what everyone does.

OP posts:
goz · 26/02/2026 07:48

I would struggle to move to a smaller less nice house! Particularly when it sounds like it would be more money.
In what ways is your house not fit for purpose if you admit you would have to make a sacrifice on a new house? It sounds like the new house would be even less suitable?

AltitudeCheck · 26/02/2026 07:48

Hard to know if you're being a princess without knowing what you mean by 'really awful neighbours' and house 'not fit for purpose'... how bad is it really and what are your housing aspirations?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/02/2026 07:48

sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:46

Well he likes the house well enough and I guess he has thicker skin than I do with regards to the neighbours. When I said the house wasn’t fit for purpose that was a bit much really, we have enough bedrooms and enough space for example. But the layout is crap and the outdoor space inadequate. And I hate the village.

Show quote history

You said you wish you could pick up the house and move it somewhere else though so it can’t be that bad. And obviously bad neighbours is just as likely in a new house. It’s more challenging that his reasons for staying are actually just as valid as yours for going

Original poster
sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:49

ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/02/2026 07:45

If you stay put for another few years will you be able to afford something a little better in the new area?

Show quote history

Possibly yes, but the thought of another few years here makes me feel a bit depressed.

OP posts:
EvangelineTheNightStar · 26/02/2026 07:50

sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:46

Well he likes the house well enough and I guess he has thicker skin than I do with regards to the neighbours. When I said the house wasn’t fit for purpose that was a bit much really, we have enough bedrooms and enough space for example. But the layout is crap and the outdoor space inadequate. And I hate the village.

Show quote history

So it’s mainly your personal taste? What about dc and school? Work? Where are you considering and how much of an increase to your mortgage will it be and who will that fall on? Are you both working full time?

hettie · 26/02/2026 07:50

How is he with change generally? Has he stayed with one company, not moved far from where he grew up/went to uni? Or is he more someone whose worked in different countries moved about and finds change exciting or easy? Lots of people find changes hard and will stick with the status quo even if it's shit. There is usually a worry about something. They worry they won't like it or it will go wrong. You can't predict the future but many stick with what they know because they think it's safer/won't change. It's difficult if your not like that and he is. Maybe try to really listen and ask about his concerns and really make him feel you get it and want to work with him on those?

Original poster
sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:50

ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/02/2026 07:48

You said you wish you could pick up the house and move it somewhere else though so it can’t be that bad. And obviously bad neighbours is just as likely in a new house. It’s more challenging that his reasons for staying are actually just as valid as yours for going

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Our current house is very hemmed in by the neighbours, like a goldfish bowl. A new house could give us a lot more space. We are rural so this is realistic.

OP posts:
ChangeAgainAgainAgain · 26/02/2026 07:51

How is your nice house not 'fit for purpose'?

Are you expecting him to fund the move / take on a bigger mortgage so you can have a better house?

If your current house is nice and meets your needs in terms of house size, then I don't really understand why he should be forced to move.

Bearbookagainandagain · 26/02/2026 07:51

Your opinions are equally valid, so maybe start from there. It looks like you're trying to bully him into moving instead of discussing your options.

Not wanting to move because of the additional cost, because the house meets your needs, and because he is happy with the neighborhood doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

You wanting to move because you hate the village doesn't make it the "right decision" for your family.

Brewtiful · 26/02/2026 07:51

sellupandgo · 26/02/2026 07:49

Possibly yes, but the thought of another few years here makes me feel a bit depressed.

Show quote history

I think this is one of those grass is greener situations.

By your own account you clearly like the house if you would pick it up and move it.

Neighbours change and the new neighbours might not be an improvement.

The area point is the most reasonable of your arguments but realistically there must be some good points to the area. Is the new area really that much better?

Jellycatspyjamas · 26/02/2026 07:52

Could he also be worried about the financial impact? If he’s already shouldering most of the financial burden maybe he’s not wanting to take on any more?